Day 186: It's Not MY Decision

In this blog I am continuing with the belief that my external world has authority over me and why I have accepted and allowed this authority.  From the previous day, Day 185: Proving Myself to the World, I am working with the following writing:

"In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my external world has authority over me where I created this belief that the external world - my environment and the beings in it - decide who, what and where I am in the system, regardless of my consent.

I forgive myself that have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because of this belief that my external world has authority over me, I am deliberately abdicating my ability to direct who, what, and where I am in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my external world - the environment and the people in it - to always direct me - to tell me who to be, where to be, and what I could be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own and put in the time, the research, and the actual physical footwork to explore and expand my potential where I actually consider, put into physical action, and move myself to bring about what it is that would give me the greatest satisfaction with myself and the one life here on Earth that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy road - the road most traveled, the road most worn down, and the road that I can go into automation on and simply follow the other traffic - because I know this road, it's my comfort zone, it's predictable, it takes very little effort if any effort at all to navigate and when the traffic I'm following makes a mistake, I can blame the traffic, those that have traveled before me, or the one leading at the front of the traffic, for making my travel experience inconvenient or problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and force others to make decisions for me and within this, expect that they make my life satisfactory and enjoyable for me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I deliberately place my external world and the beings within it as an authority over me so that I do not have to do the work required to be my own authority nor do I have to take responsibility when something goes wrong, when something unexpected comes up, or I don't like the result of a decision or event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external world and the beings in it when and as something comes up that I don't like - just because I wasn't a part of deciding or directing how something would go.  I say, "I would have done it this way ..." or "It should have gone this way ..." and say that it is 'their fault'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question: Why have I done nothing?

I mean, if the beings and things happening in my external world are 'so wrong, so irresponsible, and so uncaring', why do I give any part of it authority over me?  Why would I NOT stand up, make a decision, commit myself to it, and create my own life for myself?

The bottom line: I have been lazy and I have not only programmed that laziness into me but I have also deliberately made the decision to continue to be lazy despite the MANY opportunities to change my ways because it's easy, it's safe, and it's the neutral zone.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have given something or someone authority over me - as having the ability to direct, move, and change me without my consent - I stop, breath, and remind myself that I have actually given my full consent by my acceptance of external authority and my denial of self-responsibility, self-movement, and self-direction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am expecting or attempt to force others to make a decision for me so that I do not have to, I stop, I breath, and I use the tools that I have available for making practical, common sense decisions for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see something happening that I don't like or don't agree with and within this, trying to place blame on others because I was not a part of the decision process that lead to the event, I stop, breath, and ask myself, "Why have I done nothing to change this? What are some possible solutions if this were to come up again?"

I commit myself to STOP being lazy by not waiting for opportunities to come my way but to instead step out of my comfort zone and stop always taking the road most traveled.  I commit myself to allow myself to explore the world and see what I can do and to STOP limiting myself because I'm so set in my lazy ways.

I will continue next with how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and the physical abilities that have developed.

Day 165: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from writing and Self-Forgiveness on Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am and/or attempting to place my trust in others as per my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations in relation to Trust, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am forcing and/or attempting to force myself as my mind onto others as a way to try to manipulate, control, and influence others to act in a way that benefits me as a mind and gives my mind ‘life’ and makes my imaginations, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and definitions real.  Additionally, I realize that, with my imagination I construct, accept, and allow what works best for me and me alone, so to continue to accept and allow myself to manipulate and control others with Trust is selfish, one-dimensional, and does not align with my decision to expand my awareness and actually care for the beings outside of myself.

I commit myself to stopping placing my trust in others by reminding myself of the nature/starting-point of myself within and as my desire to place my trust in others in the first place which is for my benefit only – as a being and as a mind – to manipulate and control others so that I do not have to change.  Instead, I direct myself to change, to be the change, and to actually allow myself to care for others with the decision, into a moment of breath, to not knowingly manipulate and attempt to control others.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to do ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this belief is SO not realistic and all deception – I mean, if it was aligned with me as equality and oneness, as who I am at a beingness-level,  and what’s actually best, I wouldn't have tried over-and-over-and-over again to make myself believe that Trust, as per my romantic-imagination-mind definitions, is real.

I commit myself to stop attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to ‘do what’s right’ or ‘do what’s best’ by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into the deception and self-separation – and, instead, allow my awareness to expand to see the world and all of us beings within/on/as it and acting for/in/as a way that is best for us all as a group – this is real trust.

When and as I see that I am living or attempting to live by my self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ as ‘what is best for ME’ by intentionally directing a situation in a way that avoids conflict, emotional turmoil, someone taking something personal, and/or any negative outcome so that I am not ‘inconvenienced’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is for my own benefit and does not assist and support myself and/or others to expand situations/events/problems with understanding and coming to solutions, as inter-personally and as a group, that are agreed are best and workable for all.

I commit myself to no longer live out a self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ and instead live ‘what’s best for all’ as directing myself and myself within potential conflict situations with assisting and supporting myself and others to investigate the problem, placing solutions that are worthwhile and/or equally beneficial to everyone, and living/walking/being the solution.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make others happy and/or make it possible for others to have a positive experience with me as to build Trust, I stop and breathe.  First, I realize that I am attempting to manipulate others into a Trust relationship with me and second, I realize that it’s not practical, realistic, nor possible to make anyone outside of myself do/feel/think/be any way that is not their decisions to do/feel/think/be. 

I commit myself to stop attempting to make others happy and/or try to create positive experiences for people for my own benefit.  I remind myself that happiness and positive experiences are energetic reactions, energy never lasts and so the happiness and positive feelings do not last – it is not real.  It is actually physically impossible to make another and/or be a catalyst of others happiness and positivity for the long-term.  So, instead of using my time to manifest Trust from manipulation, deception, and physical impossibilities, I commit myself to work on changing my self-communication and interpersonal communication from self-interest for positive energy to awareness, understanding, clarity, and specificity.

When and as I see myself going into the negative polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others, abdicating my responsibility for others, and not allowing myself to be/become aware of the possible consequential outcomes of my actions and words within and as interpersonal communication, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am acting/speaking as if I have free will and/or a choice to walk away from the messes I leave behind with the assumption/expectation that others are responsible to sort through the mess and clean it up for themselves – when the reality is that it’s not best if I walk away and do not take responsibility for others because of the mess, as consequence and as the things I ‘try to forget’, will keep building and building and growing and growing until the stuff is so deep that I have to face it.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my words and actions by allowing myself to be aware of the potential consequential outflows and by working on directing myself accordingly as what’s best for all – within this I will be taking responsibility for others by not creating a platform for others to accumulate unnecessary consequence for themselves. It’s a win-win – the less consequence I create for myself, the less mistakes I have to go back and fix, and the more this frees all of us up to work on what’s immediately here rather than adding more on to what we already are required to do.

When and as I see that I am wanting and/or desiring to place myself as my Trust in the hands of another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing to prove that my romantic-mind-imagination of Trust is real and to prove that physical reality is not real/wrong, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am approaching Trust via my mind’s filter where I disregard what I am shown in physical reality and where I do not value myself as Life as indicated by my willingness to give pieces/parts of myself to something else to maintain an imagination and/or illusion.

I commit myself to stop filtering Trust via my romantic-mind-imagination filter and within this commitment I will assist and support myself with my process of stopping myself from separating myself from myself.  When and as the romantic-mind-imaginations of Trust come up, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate and I do not go there – I commit myself to no longer feed this imagination with energy and allow myself to let go of this imagination and to no longer exist within and as me.

I commit myself to STOP living out my mind-fantasy of Trust which directs me to look for Trust ‘somewhere out-there outside of myself’.  When and as I see that I am going into my mind-fantasy of Trust as indicated by me separating myself from myself with that searching, imagination wandering, and desire to find ‘that perfect person whom I can trust’, I stop, I breathe, and say, “No more.”  Instead of allowing myself to go into my mind in such moments, I allow myself to be here, breathing, slowing myself down, listen to my self-communication, and within this, using my imagination to explore and investigate possible ways that I can direct myself as to prove to myself that I can be trusted with myself and so, slowly and surely develop a relationship with myself built on self-trust.