Day 186: It's Not MY Decision

In this blog I am continuing with the belief that my external world has authority over me and why I have accepted and allowed this authority.  From the previous day, Day 185: Proving Myself to the World, I am working with the following writing:

"In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my external world has authority over me where I created this belief that the external world - my environment and the beings in it - decide who, what and where I am in the system, regardless of my consent.

I forgive myself that have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because of this belief that my external world has authority over me, I am deliberately abdicating my ability to direct who, what, and where I am in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my external world - the environment and the people in it - to always direct me - to tell me who to be, where to be, and what I could be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own and put in the time, the research, and the actual physical footwork to explore and expand my potential where I actually consider, put into physical action, and move myself to bring about what it is that would give me the greatest satisfaction with myself and the one life here on Earth that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy road - the road most traveled, the road most worn down, and the road that I can go into automation on and simply follow the other traffic - because I know this road, it's my comfort zone, it's predictable, it takes very little effort if any effort at all to navigate and when the traffic I'm following makes a mistake, I can blame the traffic, those that have traveled before me, or the one leading at the front of the traffic, for making my travel experience inconvenient or problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and force others to make decisions for me and within this, expect that they make my life satisfactory and enjoyable for me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I deliberately place my external world and the beings within it as an authority over me so that I do not have to do the work required to be my own authority nor do I have to take responsibility when something goes wrong, when something unexpected comes up, or I don't like the result of a decision or event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external world and the beings in it when and as something comes up that I don't like - just because I wasn't a part of deciding or directing how something would go.  I say, "I would have done it this way ..." or "It should have gone this way ..." and say that it is 'their fault'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question: Why have I done nothing?

I mean, if the beings and things happening in my external world are 'so wrong, so irresponsible, and so uncaring', why do I give any part of it authority over me?  Why would I NOT stand up, make a decision, commit myself to it, and create my own life for myself?

The bottom line: I have been lazy and I have not only programmed that laziness into me but I have also deliberately made the decision to continue to be lazy despite the MANY opportunities to change my ways because it's easy, it's safe, and it's the neutral zone.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have given something or someone authority over me - as having the ability to direct, move, and change me without my consent - I stop, breath, and remind myself that I have actually given my full consent by my acceptance of external authority and my denial of self-responsibility, self-movement, and self-direction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am expecting or attempt to force others to make a decision for me so that I do not have to, I stop, I breath, and I use the tools that I have available for making practical, common sense decisions for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see something happening that I don't like or don't agree with and within this, trying to place blame on others because I was not a part of the decision process that lead to the event, I stop, breath, and ask myself, "Why have I done nothing to change this? What are some possible solutions if this were to come up again?"

I commit myself to STOP being lazy by not waiting for opportunities to come my way but to instead step out of my comfort zone and stop always taking the road most traveled.  I commit myself to allow myself to explore the world and see what I can do and to STOP limiting myself because I'm so set in my lazy ways.

I will continue next with how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and the physical abilities that have developed.

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.