Day 187: I'm Awesome. I Don't Have To Change.

In this entry, I'm looking at how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities that I have developed over time. This is a continuation of Day 185: Proving Myself to the World where I first opened up the point with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to such an extent that if I see that the external world does not agree with nor recognize my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities - and within this, see my value - I tell myself that all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can do, is wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to see me, see what I can do, see my potential, see my as valuable, and want to make an investment in me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this whole scenario backwards - where I  make it about what others can see and do for me rather than what I can see and do for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience like this drop of self, like this loss of self when and as I tell myself that all that my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities are wasted.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not use my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities, that I will lose them and they will be gone forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to who I am and within this, not seeing the consequence of my mistake where at any moment, if my belief or illusion of myself of being a talented, skilled, experienced, and physically able person is challenged, disproved, ignored, or disregarded by myself via self-judgment or others - perceived or otherwise - I become disconnected from myself and then go into negative energetic experiences like sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a positive energetic experience when and as I am in these negative emotional states of sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive energetic experience when and as I see the opportunity to do so - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to support me to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to recognize me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to make me and my self-definitions real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and go into an energetic high when I am able to get external recognition.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic high of recognition where I must have it again, and again, and again.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I am needing, wanting, desiring, looking-for recognition of my talents, skills, experiences and physical abilities from my external world that this is a clear indication that I am not actually living up to my potential and that I am in-fact aware that I'm not living up to my potential because if I were, I wouldn't be looking outside of myself for validation.  It's like saying, "Hey so-and-so sees that I am awesome so that means that I don't have to change or improve on what I'm doing."

Again, laziness!

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to define myself by my positive past experiences or the things that I'm particularly good at by when and as I see myself going into the achievements of my past as a way to feel better about and/or justify me not moving here at this moment to challenge myself to develop new talents, new skills, and new abilities, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that everything that I have developed for myself in the past is because I worked at it over-and-over-again until I was satisfied with my performance and this is how I now apply myself to develop myself in other ways.

I commit myself to stop using others feedback as an excuse, justification, and/or reason for not pushing myself beyond where I am in my process at any given moment and within this, I commit myself to stop being lazy, to stop taking the easy road, and to stop trying to get through this life with as little effort as possible by when and as I see that I am limiting myself based on what I can do or what I have done successfully in the past, I stop and breath. Instead of going into my comfort-zone of laziness, complacency and mediocrity, I challenge myself to push myself and to give myself the time, patience, and physical practice required to become skilled at new things.

Day 186: It's Not MY Decision

In this blog I am continuing with the belief that my external world has authority over me and why I have accepted and allowed this authority.  From the previous day, Day 185: Proving Myself to the World, I am working with the following writing:

"In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my external world has authority over me where I created this belief that the external world - my environment and the beings in it - decide who, what and where I am in the system, regardless of my consent.

I forgive myself that have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because of this belief that my external world has authority over me, I am deliberately abdicating my ability to direct who, what, and where I am in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my external world - the environment and the people in it - to always direct me - to tell me who to be, where to be, and what I could be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own and put in the time, the research, and the actual physical footwork to explore and expand my potential where I actually consider, put into physical action, and move myself to bring about what it is that would give me the greatest satisfaction with myself and the one life here on Earth that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy road - the road most traveled, the road most worn down, and the road that I can go into automation on and simply follow the other traffic - because I know this road, it's my comfort zone, it's predictable, it takes very little effort if any effort at all to navigate and when the traffic I'm following makes a mistake, I can blame the traffic, those that have traveled before me, or the one leading at the front of the traffic, for making my travel experience inconvenient or problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and force others to make decisions for me and within this, expect that they make my life satisfactory and enjoyable for me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I deliberately place my external world and the beings within it as an authority over me so that I do not have to do the work required to be my own authority nor do I have to take responsibility when something goes wrong, when something unexpected comes up, or I don't like the result of a decision or event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external world and the beings in it when and as something comes up that I don't like - just because I wasn't a part of deciding or directing how something would go.  I say, "I would have done it this way ..." or "It should have gone this way ..." and say that it is 'their fault'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question: Why have I done nothing?

I mean, if the beings and things happening in my external world are 'so wrong, so irresponsible, and so uncaring', why do I give any part of it authority over me?  Why would I NOT stand up, make a decision, commit myself to it, and create my own life for myself?

The bottom line: I have been lazy and I have not only programmed that laziness into me but I have also deliberately made the decision to continue to be lazy despite the MANY opportunities to change my ways because it's easy, it's safe, and it's the neutral zone.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have given something or someone authority over me - as having the ability to direct, move, and change me without my consent - I stop, breath, and remind myself that I have actually given my full consent by my acceptance of external authority and my denial of self-responsibility, self-movement, and self-direction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am expecting or attempt to force others to make a decision for me so that I do not have to, I stop, I breath, and I use the tools that I have available for making practical, common sense decisions for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see something happening that I don't like or don't agree with and within this, trying to place blame on others because I was not a part of the decision process that lead to the event, I stop, breath, and ask myself, "Why have I done nothing to change this? What are some possible solutions if this were to come up again?"

I commit myself to STOP being lazy by not waiting for opportunities to come my way but to instead step out of my comfort zone and stop always taking the road most traveled.  I commit myself to allow myself to explore the world and see what I can do and to STOP limiting myself because I'm so set in my lazy ways.

I will continue next with how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and the physical abilities that have developed.

Day 131: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim, Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

 


Writing from Day 129:
Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this Thought as a way to scare myself into not changing, not doing what is best, and to not work on ways of improving my situation or allowing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to fear.  What I have not seen or heard within this communication to myself that I live in fear that I will lose everything that I care about within and as myself, that I fear losing myself, and I fear that I will not assist and support myself within this process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the THOUGHT to pop up in my mind as an image of me being cold, alone, scared, and everyone in my world that I have placed upon a pillar of importance as hating me, writing me out of their lives, and moving on without me.  I see anger and disappointment on their faces and I see them going about their daily lives where they choose to ignore me/pretend I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in the moment that the thought comes up, I have to decide whether or not I will participate with the thought.  It is here that I decide whether or not I will allow my fear to direct me or if I will direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand within and as my decision to stand by/for/as my decision to change, do what is best for myself and others, work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and pushing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become The Helpless Victim for so long that I accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thought that presents an opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of the comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and so not allow myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this Thought to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself where I get caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself.  If instead I had allowed myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it - I would have improved my relationship with myself and given myself an opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought to become more important/urgent and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and to live it. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how one Thought/Picture/Image can control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment which shows the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind, instead of living who I am here as the directive.