Saturday, March 21, 2020

Day 232: Free Choice

"I forgive myself that I failed to see that free choice in fact are the test of my character to see what I will choose and whether I will use the excuse of giving others the responsibility to forgive me and in this way remain in my self interest as I am through my own allowances not responsible or able to forgive myself and stop what I participate in to redirect myself to that which would be best for all life."  Creations Journey To Life - Day 1: Self-Forgiveness

Okay, so here sharing where I am at within myself, and my mind in relation to my lack of participation in the blogging and the sharing responsibility part of my process.  I have made commitments to myself to share myself and my process in my blog, specifically, and have not lived up to those commitments.  Why? Free choice.

A large part of my day is me working. I work from home online and am grateful for this - I usually don't have to do the rushing balancing act that most parents have to do, I am available to my family and friends for whatever they need and when they need it, and I get to work in my yoga pants. 

It's great though it is a double-edged sword.  It's not something that I see as an 'easy' job nor a job that I usually experience a satisfaction of my passions within it.  And it's usually busy. 

At the end of the day I often have the experience of being burned-out and mentally melted.  From here, I make dinner for the kids, clean up, read, study, write, maybe watch some TV, see what everyone is up to on Facebook on my phone and chat with friends for a bit before bed. 

The last thing I want to be doing when I am not working is doing anything on my computer.  I realize that I have come to connect my computer and doing things on my computer (like blogging) to the negative, often times stressful experiences that I have had at work.

I also see and am aware of how I have created a relationship of 'this is something I have to do' - more work, more responsibility.  Self-honestly, I know that I have dropped the ball here and have been going into things that I find more enjoyable and fun.  Justifying my decisions by exercising my power of 'free choice'.   And even further, having have the ability to justify or explain my choice as a Destonian walking my process:  But ... but, I have redefined FUN and ENJOYMENT and that's what I'm working on living right now ...

I know what I've been doing, not doing and why.  And it has come to the time where I'm currently standing at the 'y' in the road - do I do this or not? Will I be okay with myself if I don't?

No, I will not be okay with myself if I don't and a really don't want to live with the regret of not doing something that I could have done because I chose to go into self-interest or what 'felt better' instead.

Looking back at where I started and where I have come to be now - one thing I have become for sure is standing as point of Change.  Every day has been a process of facing the things that are uncomfortable for me and forging forward - observing, writing, understanding, self-forgiving, testing, living a 'different way', sharing and supporting with how to change in real-time, here, in what I consider to be the 'real world' in 'real moments' and with 'real people' that I come in 'real physical contact' with.

Desteni is the why and how I have become who and what I am now.  Not even close to being who I was 8-9 years ago when I started walking with this group of people.

I know that most of us, including myself, use these blogs for understanding and support, to break out of perceptions and patterns, to become better and to live or start living our potential.  It's time for me to step up, do the same, and give what I have been given.

Friday, November 22, 2019

Day 231: Secrecy, Hiding and Redefining My Blog

It has been almost 3 years since my last sharing of my self in a blog.  Within that 3-year time, I have separated from a relationship, reconciled, separated again, started a 'new' relationship, divorced, and then recently broken off the 'new' relationship.  I bring up the relationship points first as those are the one's that I have found have had the most profound impact on my process of self-awareness and my relationship with myself.  I have died a few times ... I have lost or let go of parts of myself that have been creating delusion and illusion.  It has been a painful process of releasing my self-definitions, the personalities that I had created while in the relationships, and adjusting to the quiet and empty spaces that were once occupied by someone else that is no longer with me.

An in-common point that has continued to come up in my relationships has been betrayal of trust, secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal.  When bringing this back to myself, I saw how I had been doing the exact same thing - keeping my process personal, not wanting to share the details of my life, having the idea that I shouldn't have to and that it's my life, my business.  And there were the fears that came up as well ... the fear of judgement and how I had been allowing the perceptions, opinions, and ideas about me to hold myself back from communicating myself, my life and my decisions.  Within this as well, my own judgments of others, my perceptions, my opinions, my energetic reactions, my backchat, my justifications, and how I change the way I move myself when deciding to separate myself from others.

To put things into perspective, I have several years of notebooks that contain my writing, my research of self-understanding, my self-forgiveness, my self-correction, and my redefining.  Over the past 3 years specifically, I have reasoned to myself that my hand-writing in my notebooks has been a more intimate process with my self-communication ...  keeping it personal with myself and only sharing from time-to-time when the opportunities to share or support come up.  It has also been convenient for me - I keep a notebook with me to jot down points and to write in before I go to bed at night.  It is has been my 'comfort zone' - I come from a generation in the education system where most everything was done in hand-writing and final drafts were submitted in type. 

Years of notebooks full of my personal process of self-awareness and self-perfecting

When exploring the common point of secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal or 'none of other's business' that continues to come up in my relationships, what immediately came up for me is that I haven't been sharing myself, my writing, my realizations, my process, and the details of my life in blog or with most everyone, really.  I have mostly been communicating with myself, whomever I am in a relationship with, or a select few people in my circle of family of friends - and even then I have only been sharing bits and pieces.  It became clear that sharing myself intimately, here, in my blog, is one way for me to step out of the secrets, hiding, and keeping this personal that continues to come up.  Be the change that I want to see.

From here, I commit myself to sharing myself here on my blog with others.  I commit myself to sharing myself openly, genuinely, intimately, and to work on / work through the points of judgment that come up rather than allowing them to hold me back from communicating.

My Blog = B - Log, Be Log.
My Be Log = A place to share and LOG/document MY self, my writing, MY self-forgiveness, MY realizations, MY life, MY problems and MY solutions that I walk/work-on/move-through as me BEing here. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Day 230: Rock Bottom

I have recently had the experience of hitting Rock Bottom.  For me, it was a place of having lost everything - my relationships, a business I have been building, my integrity, and parts of myself as who I had been working on creating myself to be.  There have been many times in my life where I have gotten to where I wanted to give up or not seeing the point of continuing to live but this Rock Bottom place, for me, was different in that what I had been hiding about myself and what I had created and manifested over months accumulated to the point of where I had no way out - the consequence of what I had created was inescapable.

Being at Rock Bottom is a milestone in my life that I will likely never forget - I never want to be in this place again.  However, what I was seeing in the few weeks since being a Rock Bottom is how I have still been in it in a way - where, even though I have been writing, self-reflecting, and getting a massive amount of support, I have been seeing the behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I haven't been wanting to give up - the very same behaviors, thoughts, and reactions that I have allowed to create and manifest my Rock Bottom which shows me that if I continue to make decisions that compromise my self-integrity and self-awareness that I will likely re-create and manifest this experience again.

Interesting, though, I have found that the temptation is there - to recreate the patterns that I know will lead me back to Rock Bottom, despite my seeing that I never ever want to go back there again.  For me, the temptation is blame and my reasons or justifications for how others are responsible for me making the decisions I have made, easily recalling memories and other evidence that makes it look like others are against me, that I'm in the right, and that I can do/think/say the things that I do because others are in the wrong.  Essentially, with blame, I give myself permission to be any version of myself - whether it's the best version of me or the worst.

Within the awareness that the cure for blame is to 'bring it back to self', self-honesty, and self-responsibility, it has become clear that the solution for not ever going back to Rock Bottom is the same: slowing myself down and looking at the nature of my thoughts, my inner dialogue, the conspiring, assumptions, ideas and my reasons for allowing these things to exist within me.  I realize that my reasons, along with my reactions, must go and that when I have reasons come up or in anyway start arguing something in my mind - that this is a problem for me to take responsibility for and in that moment, instead of going into it, to stop, redirect it back to myself and look at it self-honestly and how it is in-fact me communicating with me about me.

Back to basics.

An unfortunate consequences of getting lost is being in that very strange place of being aware but at the same time, having given up my depth and my ability to process what I am seeing and hearing in one moment.  Now, I understand what it means to not have access to life - before I had seen life as something external, something separate from me, something greater than me, and something profound.   Not the case at all.  I only have access to what I create - a few weeks ago, I had access to Rock Bottom and at this moment, cleaning up from the 'fall' and getting back on track.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Day 229: Moving On From What Happened

Moving on from what happened in my relationship is something that I have had the most difficulty with.  There has been this constant, pervasive fear that it will happen again and this belief that I have to be vigilant - like, I will fuck myself if I miss any one detail.  This one event in my relationship and in my life has triggered so many fears and completely changed how I see myself and my fellow human beings.  Trust has become non-existent in my life, my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.

The fears have actually become annoying and frustrating.  I have written them out, done the self-forgiveness, committed myself to change and still, they are here with me.  Along the way, I had this realization that I need to handle my mind fears in the same way that I do the other points that I have been changing in my life: when the fear comes up, don't go into it, and keep repeating this until I get myself out of the habit of going into the thoughts, reactions, and what-if fears.  Being the one to direct and decide for myself how I would handle these things as they came up has been supportive, however, the reactions, the thoughts, and the what-if fears still come.

Looking back, I see that part of the problem is that I have given in during times when I have not been strong and that this vigilance, consistency, and persaviness has been mis-directed externally instead of being vigilant and consistent with pervasive commitment with myself.

Another point is that I have been existing in a belief and physical experience of being stuck as as though I have no choice but to have to go through this and see it to the end.  This belief has brought me to the points of having very little enjoyment in my daily life and perceiving that I am obligated to and/or responsible for others as I have not been considering myself, taking time for myself, and have usually been putting others needs, wants, and desires ahead of my own.  From this emerged something interesting that a friend of mine noticed --  I have been using my assumption of responsbility for others as a way to not face what is really here with me.

Even more interesting is when my friend suggest that I let go and allow others the space to grow - she pointed out that, with my relationship specifically, that we have been holding each other back, that we have become dependent on each other, and have been very miserable as a result of this ... my mind immediately went into imagining a break-up scenerio - I had the experience of panic, worry, fear, what-ifs, sadness, and lonliness.  And I realized just how emotionally attached I am to another - that I have not been seeing things in this relationship clearly as they have become clouded with all of these fears, worries, and anxieties that I have avoided looking at.

So, what to do from here?

I have been working on relationship points for what seems all of my life - it has become clearer and clearer that it's my catalyst in assisting and supporting myself to get to the core of me. No matter how much I have resisted relationships, my mind continues to persist.  I could attempt to separate myself from intimate relationships completely but who I am, either in a relationship or not in a relationship, will still be here with me.  The problems are usually not with relationships or others - the issues have been mostly my emotionally veiled sense of perception.

My plan for myself is to let go.  I commit myself to let go of my fears, worries, anxieties and what-ifs by breathing, stopping myself from suppressing or distracting myself from them with the habit I have formed of putting others first and/or assuming responsibility for others.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to let go of my fears by making a list of what's coming up - even the little fears throughout the day - as I look at my relationships - and from this list, look where else the fears exist in my life outside of the relationship and ask myself questions: What can I learn about myself from this? Where did this come from? What can I do about this? How can I direct this situation?

As I walk this plan for myself, I commit myself to stop allowing emotions to veil what I'm looking at and how I'm looking at it by breathing, reminding myself that I can't look at anything constructively while reacting - that, if I move myself into the emotions that this will trigger the what-ifs which place me back into looping through the pattern.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with stopping myself from going into the temptation of emotions by identifying the emotions and forgiving the emotions.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Day 228: Damsel In Distress - Back To Self

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as a point of comfort, security, consistency and strength for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know others and forming a perception of who/what they are or have become, judge and then reject them and within this, not stand as an unconditional point of comfort, security, consistency and strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my outer actions are a mirror reflection of my inner actions - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know myself and forming perceptions about who/what I have become, to then judge and reject myself and from this starting point, to self-sabotage my ability to be comfortable with myself, secure, consistent, and strong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I reject others and myself when seeing how our minds work and how we respond to/act out our mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cross my arms, turn my back, walk away, and to not come back when I see what's going on with others and the decisions they have made that I judge and disapprove of.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this behavior onto others - as if it's something they will do to me - fearing my own behavior and that others will do to me what I have done to them.  Instead of standing in another's shoes and seeing how it can effect others as it has myself, understanding, and seeing where I can support, I have attempted to separate myself from it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into being overwhelmed and self-pity when and as I have seen things about myself that look to big or too extensive for me to sort out and within this, telling myself that I have been defeated, broken, and that I am alone and becoming sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I find myself becoming sad and having other negative emotional reactions to what's going on within and outside of me that seems to big or overwhelming, distract myself by focusing on activities from which I can get a positive energetic high - meanwhile, the issues do not get resolved or sorted and continue to accumulate.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coerce others to do the same - to focus on the positive or what feels good in the face of the negative or what looks/feels shitty. And so, not supporting others to focus on sorting out the issue(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave others, to never come come back, to hate, to stop caring, and to stop supporting as a quick fix for myself to not have to deal with the fears, judgments, thoughts, and insecurities that come up as I walk with others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand and be cool with myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when/as things come up in my mind about the decisions I have made.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize panic and anxiety to assist me to see that I have been or likely will be repeating the same mind/behavior pattern again if I do not change - continuing on with doing/thinking things that aren't supportive and accumulating the turmoil as a result of the self-conflict.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Day 227: Damsel In Distress

So, an interesting thing I noticed about myself a couple of weeks ago is how I have been going into an 'I Need You' Personality after I have participated in certain mind and behavior patterns that I don't particularly like about myself or when looking back on a decision or action that I have made that I have believed is wrong.

The things that I have seen about myself that I don't like and my behaviors that I see as wrong have triggered my fear of loss where in my mind I have imagined that if anyone finds out these things about me than I will lose the relationships and what I am getting out of the relationship like comfort, security, stability, commitment, affection, and care.

When faced with the fear of loss, it has been an 'oh shit ... how do I fix this or keep myself from losing these things?' moment and from there, I have automatically focused on how I can manipulate relationships in my favor.  In this case, my solution was to cast myself into the Damsel In Distress Role as the insecure, unstable, emotionally delicate, small and vulnerable female that says, "I'm not okay, I'm so small, I'm weak, I NEED YOU - to protect me, to hold me, to make everything okay for me ..."

Once I saw what I was doing - how I was manipulating others so that I could be comforted physically, emotionally and mentally instead of standing, facing myself, and taking responsibility for myself and changing what I was seeing, I stopped myself.  I realized that I had been abdicating myself, compromising others, and that this 'need' I had been demanding be satiated by an external source, distracted others from being able to focus on themselves and their own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need others for comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if others knew me for who I really am and have become, that I would be rejected and within that, lose my sources of comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength for/as myself.  Instead, placing myself in need/want/desire to get these things from an external source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected if anyone were to see my how my mind works and how I have been responding to/acting out my mind patterns.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out in my mind how others will cross their arms, turn their back on me, walk away, and never come back if they were to see what goes on in my mind and the decisions/mistakes I have made.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show myself the result of others finding out about me: me, defeated, alone, sad, and broken - and being a physical expression of those emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a conversation with myself about what's going to happen if/when/as others see the mistakes I have made with my decisions. I say to myself, "They are going to leave me. They are never going to come back. They are going to hate me. I'm never going to get things from them anymore. I will be alone ... Oh shit. How do I fix this so they never know or question me? I have to distract them."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself, "They are not able to understand," and/or, "They will never be able to understand me and be okay with me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into Panic with/as I have internal conversations about myself about what's going to happen to me if/when/as others become aware of who/what I have become and the decisions that I have made while living out/acting on my mind-patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I am getting from others for comfort, security, stability, strength, consistency, holding me, and pulling me back up on my feet when I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the Damsel In Distress with the sound signature of "I Need You" and making myself appear to be distressed, vulnerable, and physically smaller by folding myself into on myself while communicating worry, fear, and anxiety with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as the Damsel In Distress that is in need, have manipulated myself and others, abdicated myself, held myself and others back from moving forward in our processes, and to have created this false-self/false-reality - all from my self-interest and benefit only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for consequences that I have created for myself and others by hiding behind the Damsel In Distress That Needs You personality/character. And within this, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that it's simply something that I didn't allow myself to see in awareness until that moment and in that moment, how I had made the decision to change and not go into it.

To be continued...

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Day 226: Regret (and other emotions) Supports Me To Change

I commit myself to when and as I see something is not working, to do something about it.

I commit myself to stop making threats - to stop threatening to change things - and to instead move myself to change.

I commit myself to stop myself from prolonging situations that aren't improving nor aligning with the way that is best for me to be living with by when and as I become aware that things aren't working nor in alignment with what's best, I will no longer attempt to reason, justify, explain away, or ignore it.  I will instead sit down with myself, clear myself of reactions, decide on an action that is best, and then move on the decided change.

I commit myself to be my own change and to no longer to anticipate, hope, or expect others to be that change for me.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to become stuck in misery or being miserable by when and as I become miserable, I remind myself to use being miserable as a point of support to change - that the misery is not an acceptable long-term solution and within/as being miserable, I direct myself to explore solutions for myself that I can be satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into 'self-sacrifice' as have become aware that this personality and other similar to it, is a farce and an attempt to be something that hides something else about me that I have not wanted to face and change.

I commit myself to stop holding onto memories and times when things are 'okay' or 'good' by reminding myself that if things were actually 'good' or 'okay', they would always that way and would not go to the opposite polarity of being shit.  Additionally, when and as I see myself looking for the 'good times' and telling myself that things are or will be okay, I stop, breath, and look for the point that I am attempting to ignore or suppress and then re-direct myself to face it.

I commit myself to stop myself from allowing my fear of the unknown to influence my decisions by when and as I am in the process of making decisions, I will direct myself to make sure that I am clear on this point - and within this, also to remind myself of the potential within/as the unknown!

I commit myself to stopping fearing regret and fearing the potential that I may regret the decisions that I make.  The reality is that this is not the first nor the last time that I have become regretful - it's a part of me living, making changes, and fine-tuning. With regret, the point for me is to utilize it for my awareness to not repeat the same mistakes and patterns again.

I commit myself to stop fearing change by when and as the fear of change comes up in response to a changing situation or a situation the requires my direction to change, with all of the 'What ifs ...', thoughts, future projections, beliefs, and backchats come up, I stop, breath, self-forgive what's coming up then give myself time to look at the situation in a disciplined way and allow myself to embrace the opportunity to be creative with change and making changes.  I will work with change instead of running from it.

I commit myself to no longer allowing 'What If ...' thoughts to influence, direct and/or control my decisions or things about myself and living that I would like to change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into anger and frustration when things aren't going as I would like, hoped, and/or expected by when and as I see that things aren't going as I would have liked, how I would have hoped, or how I had expected, I stop and breath.  I self-forgive the information and emotions coming up and then re-direct myself to take a self-honest look at my self-expectations and what would be cool for me to live - as this is what is really required to be sorted out and worked on.

I commit myself to stopping myself from having temper tantrums by when and as the urge comes up to physically release all of my accumulated anger and frustration, I stop, I breath, I remove myself from the situation, continue to breath and be here until stable.  When and as the energy has dissipated, I self-forgive.  Here, I see, realize, and understand that my starting point with stopping and changing acting out temper tantrums is to NOT DO IT.

I commit myself to changing my responses by when and as I see myself expressing with words and behaviors that aren't cool, I look for what it is that I am attempting to express and for ways that I can express them in way that is not suppressing.  Here I utilize the tools of self-forgiveness and redefining myself.

I commit myself to utilize the moments that I become Miserable or Dissatisfied to look at where I have become miserable and dissatisfied with self and look at what it is that I can change about myself for self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction.