Day 132: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension, Part 2

In this blog I am writing Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 131 of the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment





I commit myself to no longer allow my fear of the thought of losing everyone/everything that I care about to direct me within and as my living - when and as I see that I am reacting to a thought of loss with fear, I stop.   I see, realize, and understand that my thought and my fear are not in my physical reality - these exist in my mind only.  I remind myself that my thought and my fear is not real and commit myself to no longer allowing my thoughts of loss and my fear in reaction to these thoughts to direct me.  Instead, I become the directive principle in my living and move myself based on what is best.

I commit myself to stop allowing a THOUGHT to scare me from changing, doing what is best, working on ways of improving my situation, and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I commit myself to stop fearing myself by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment which I then live because when I do this, I see that there is no reason to fear myself because as I use these tools and apply them, I become self-honest and aligned to who I want to be.

I commit myself to no longer allow my imagined faces of others as my Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to keep me from moving in a direction that I have decided is best.  When and as I see these dissing faces in my imagination and consider participating in a scenario/play-out with them, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is one of the ways that I have kept myself stuck in to the Helpless Victim Character and at the mercy of my mind.  Also, I see that I no longer need my internal Diss-Order of Multiple Personalities to 'help' me because I have real, actual support and assistance in my physical world.  I am not alone.

I commit myself to becoming the directive principle in my living by reminding myself that when a thought comes up I decide whether or not I will participate with the thought and that it is here that I decide whether or whether or not I will participate in my fear - and so here, I direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to stand for/by/as my decision to change, to do what is best, to work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and to push myself to stop out of my comfort zone.

I commit myself no longer accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thoughts that allow me to become The Helpless Victim - I remind myself that the Thoughts present and opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example of as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of one's comfort zone.

I commit myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I commit myself to stopping accepting and allowing my Thoughts to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself - I remind myself that this gets me caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself and instead of allowing myself to go into conflict with myself and get caught up in my mind, I instead allow myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it.  I commit myself to accept and allow myself to improve my relationship with myself and take the opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim Character.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the Thoughts of the Helpless Victim Character to become more urgent/important and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, being here, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and live it.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow ONE Thought/Picture/Image to control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment - within this, I commit myself to see the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind and to release myself from this influence with self-forgiveness and then stand as my decision to live who I am here as the directive.

Day 131: The Helpless Victim - Thought Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Thought Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim, Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

 


Writing from Day 129:
Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this Thought as a way to scare myself into not changing, not doing what is best, and to not work on ways of improving my situation or allowing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me," to fear.  What I have not seen or heard within this communication to myself that I live in fear that I will lose everything that I care about within and as myself, that I fear losing myself, and I fear that I will not assist and support myself within this process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the THOUGHT to pop up in my mind as an image of me being cold, alone, scared, and everyone in my world that I have placed upon a pillar of importance as hating me, writing me out of their lives, and moving on without me.  I see anger and disappointment on their faces and I see them going about their daily lives where they choose to ignore me/pretend I do not exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in the moment that the thought comes up, I have to decide whether or not I will participate with the thought.  It is here that I decide whether or not I will allow my fear to direct me or if I will direct myself to release myself from the fear with self-forgiveness and then stand within and as my decision to stand by/for/as my decision to change, do what is best for myself and others, work on implementing solutions that improve my situation, and pushing myself to step outside of my comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become The Helpless Victim for so long that I accept and allow myself to participate in and follow the Thought that presents an opportunity for me as an opposite of myself/who I have decided to be and my responsibility to myself and others/my world to stand as an example as what it means to do what is best, to improve the situation, and to push oneself to step outside of the comfort-zone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and so not allow myself to live in awareness and direct myself within and as what is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this Thought to take me into my mind and place me in direct conflict with myself where I get caught up in my Mind where I completely compromise myself.  If instead I had allowed myself to practically walk myself through the process of making a decision that is best and living it - I would have improved my relationship with myself and given myself an opportunity to contribute as an example of how one can live with and as the point of not accepting and allowing The Helpless Victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought to become more important/urgent and/or of greater value than myself stopping, breathing, and directing myself to make a decision that is best and to live it. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how one Thought/Picture/Image can control/determine the entirety of who I am in any given moment which shows the extent of which I have become influenced by the pictures and images within and as my mind, instead of living who I am here as the directive.

Day 130: The Helpless Victim - Fear Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction for the Fear Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.

The process from which The Helpless Victim Character emerged can be referenced within these posts:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment





Writing from Day 129:
Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Fear Dimension - Self Forgiveness:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear being alone in the world and because of this I fear what will happen to me if I say, "From here no more."  I fear that I will fail on my own and that I will screw up because there are still many decisions that I must stand for and stand as that I do not trust that I can be responsible with.  I fear that I will lose everything: my home, those I care about, my safety, my comfort-zone, and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'being alone in the world' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'what will happen to me if I say, "From here no more."' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'I will fail on my own and that I will screw up because there are still many decisions that I must stand for and stand as that I do not trust that I can be responsible with' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'losing everything: my home, those I care about, my safety, my comfort-zone, and my life' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will hurt me, degrade me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'others will hurt me, degrade me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me' to fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in my mind where my fear of loss, being alone, and failure exists - I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am here, breathing, and not participating in my mind that no fear exists - there is no fear of loss, no fear of being alone, and no fear of failure until I have a thought and imagine myself within the thought as possible event - I am aware that this is not real but time-and-time again I continue to place myself in situations within and as my imagination that always lead to something bad happening if/when/as I consider changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that when I engage a thought that I am accepting and allowing that thought to have power over me, direct me, and guide me until I find where I am scared and make myself believe that my thoughts and my fear are true and/or real.  I create my fear of loss, being alone, and failure simply to fear it.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my memories to assist me in my fear creation where I will go back to a time where I have experienced or been told that I will experience loss, being alone, and failure if/when/as I direct myself to go 'outside of the box' and/or go against my programming.  Instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that the past has no control over me and that I can change my behavior however or to whatever I see is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have scared myself into not making the best decisions for myself and my world.  I have used my fear of loss, failure, and being alone as excuses and reasons why I have done nothing to change my living and the world I live in in-spite of the evidence that I am required to act.

Fear Dimension - Self-Commitments
I commit myself to stop my fear of being alone, my fear of loss, and my fear of failure by re-Minding myself to breath when and as I see that I am engaging myself in a thought and/or imagination in my mind.  I commit myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction for the self-created points of fear that emerge when and as I stop, breath, and self-honestly investigate myself.

Within this same application of breathing and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I commit myself to stop fearing what would/could/will happen to me when and as I am required to make a decision that is best for me and will change my living.  As I write this, I see, realize, and understand that this fear of what would/could/will happen to me is further connected to my fear of change - so, I commit myself to stop making excuses and reasons for myself not to make changes and to instead, make the changes that I have shown myself that I am required to make because it is practical, responsible, in alignment with me being honest with myself and best for me to do so.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing my memories to assist me in not changing/making changes by re-Minding myself  that this does not benefit me nor anyone else in any way - it only feeds my fear to keep myself within my program, within control, and within my prison. 

To further assist and support myself with no longer accepting and allowing myself to play-out The Helpless Victim character, I commit myself to write out, self-forgive and self-correct a specific memory that's emerging that I did not see as being a traumatic event.

Day 129: The Helpless Victim

Here I begin writing out The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from the following writings:

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment




As The Helpless Victim, I see that the world is a dangerous place and that everyone within this world has the potential to harm me physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  No one can be trusted - and if, for one moment, if I were to let my guard down with another, they would take advantage and victimize me in some way.  When I am The Helpless Victim, I see that there is no way for me to change this - there is no help for me, there is no protection for me, and no one is going to stand up for me to make sure that I am always okay or to get me away from the person who is hurting, harming, victimizing, and/or abusive to me.  In my mind, I have created the belief that people will stand up for others who are being harmed and stand against those that are harming - like, everyone should take care of each other - and yet we don't.  This is frightening to me.

Also, as this character, if I am in a situation that I see myself as being trapped in where another is stronger than myself, I will project myself as needing the others help to 'be better' because I cannot help myself.  This is where an extreme form of dishonesty emerges as I will use Helplessness to manipulate others as a defense mechanism and within this sell myself out.  Because this is not who/what I want to be, this causes an extreme amount of conflict, confusion, and stress as the anger that I accumulate within myself that eventually blows - it's just like a bomb going off and my situation becomes unbearable which compromises me even further.

Fear Dimension
Ultimately, I fear being alone in this world.  I do not think that I can do this on my own and I do not think that I have the power to stand up for myself.  I fear standing up and saying, "From here, no more."  What will become of me if I do this?  What if I stand up and say, "No more" and that person writes me out of their life?  Worse, what if they hurt me, degrade me, defame me, and succeed in taking away what's important to me or the people/things that I have defined myself within and as?  What if I end up losing everything?

Thought Dimension
The thought that triggers this character is, "I might lose everything that I care about - I would be lost and no one will help me."

Imagination Dimension
In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Backchat Dimension
Internal conversations: "It's a dog-eat-dog world." "I would rather die than end up as a bag-lady." 
(And more - recorded in Backchat diary)

Reaction Dimension
In response to my thoughts, imaginations, and backchats, I react emotionally with disappointment, worry, anxiety, sadness, feeling 'small', and anger.   

Behavior Dimension
My behavior becomes jerky and edgy.  I begin moving around a lot and darting from one task to another.  When I am sitting or at rest, I curl into myself where I pull my knees close to my body and wrap my arms around myself.  When I'm full-blown into this character/personality/mind-possession, my eyes are WIDE open and I am on high-alert.  I speak my incoherent thoughts out-loud as means to try to make sense and/or to get others 'on my side' to stand-up for/take care of/protect me and/or justify my behavior, fears, and reactions.  My voice tightens and is either a 'small' voice or energetically forced.

Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction
Here I am writing Day 128: The Day I Fell - Self-Commitment



I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to push others by placing a guard on my thoughts and practicing counting my words.

I commit myself to push through my own resistances and challenge myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to take others reactions within an event or situation personally by reminding myself that whatever another is experiencing is not actually about me and to instead look at my own reactions which are an indicator of where I am not being honest with myself.

I commit myself to no longer express the Words 'Standing Up' as 'Fighting' and instead practice simply standing, breathing, being here, being honest with myself, when to be silent and when to speak. 

I commit myself to no longer make every event, situation, and experience about my own self exclusively and reminding myself that I am sharing this world with others who are equally experiencing events and situations.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to do what I want and/or what's important to me only by practicing giving as I would like to be given and equalizing those things with what I require for my self-development.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to be The Helpless Victim by assisting and supporting myself to write out this character, using the tool of self-forgiveness, and redefining my living with self-correction.

I commit myself to stop looking for shame and compassion in others and to instead change myself in response to my own shame and align myself with compassion.  When and as I see that I am looking to others to show me what I want, I remind myself that these are flag-points for me to align to become a person that is in-fact Good and can be Trusted.

I commit myself to remind myself that the only way I can fall is if I believe in a definition of myself and that when I say or think, "I Am ...", that whatever it is must be written out, self-forgiven, and self-corrected.  I see, realize, and understand that at this stage, the self-definitions I have created for myself are dishonest and are the cause/catalyst of a lot of my stress, trauma, and conflict.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to blame others for the consequences that have emerged for the decisions that I have made.  Instead I take responsibility for my decisions and consequences by changing what I able to change and walking with what I cannot change until I can change.  

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be/become a Skilled Manipulator as this character/personality is dishonest and has no integrity. I commit myself to stop this personality/character with writing, self-forgiving, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my guilt by seeing my guilt as a flag-point of where I am not being honest with myself - I assist and support myself with self-forgiveness when and as the guilt emerges.

I commit myself to stop running from myself by reminding myself that if I do not stop, face myself, and change that whatever I am running from will continue to happen over-and-over-and-over again and that eventually, there will be nowhere left to run because I'll be dead.  Within this, I commit myself to no longer allow myself to squander away my one life for fear of myself and what will become of me.

Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Here I am writing Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction


When and as I see that I am experiencing movement within me and about to speak within and as my reaction, I stop, I breath and I stabilize myself.  It has been suggested that I 'count my words' and so, from here, I direct myself to practice and test this application before I speak to see if it assists with removing the conflict and stress from my daily living.  When and as I count my words, I look and see if what I would like to say is best and/or supportive at that moment - if so, I speak, if not, I remain silent.

When and as I see that I am aligning my expression of Standing to Fighting which is indicated by me becoming unstable, not breathing, a rush of adrenaline, and an increased heart-rate, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that fighting does not work - regardless of how I try to define it as 'not fighting but something else' - Instead of fighting, I remove myself, walk-away, and stabilize myself with breathing.  I self-forgive myself for the points that I am reacting to and I integrate into myself a plan for self-correction.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force another outside of myself to change according to my wants and/or preferences, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that any change that another makes HAS to be SELF-DIRECTED - otherwise, there will be no real change - only temporary change.  This does not fix or solve any issues, situations or problems that emerge but instead continues a pattern with the same starting points and ending points over and over and over again.  Instead of distracting myself with others processes, I direct myself to focus on my own life-long process of awareness and development.

When and as I see that I am comparing my life to anothers life where I assign each a value and where my own value becomes More/God-Like/Magical/Enlightened as an extreme form of separation from others and myself as actually questioning and diminishing my value, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that continuing to allow myself to take this bait leads me further and further away from realizing myself as a human physical being and if I am to assist and support myself to remove and prevent stress from myself, that I must not allow the conflict with myself and others to accumulate.  Instead of allowing the separation to remain within and as me unchecked, I self-forgive myself for the comparison/positive-negative value points that emerge.

When and as I see that I am about to go on a missive to prove my righteousness as indicated by my physical rigidness, pressure in my face, and bringing points back to myself over-and-over again that prove that I am right, I STOP.  I see in the past that when I get to this point that I will 'fight to death' where I place myself in a position of compromising myself and instigating harm to myself physically - when and as I am in this possessed state, I no longer care nor consider the one life that I have been given as all that matters is that I Am Right.  Additionally, I do not consider my responsibility to others or how my words and actions will effect them.  This must stop.  Again, instead of fighting, I breath, I remove myself, I walk away, I stabilize myself, I self-forgive myself for the point that emerged in which myself as my Ego attempted to defend, I get to the core/source/origin point, and I realign myself to self-correction.

When and as I see/hear myself telling myself, 'That's not who I Am anymore!' - I stop.  I see that I am giving myself a part of me that I am attempting to separate myself from because I do not want to face and change myself.  Instead of running away from the personality/character/experience that's emerging, I embrace it and investigate the origin point as I apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am going into my past to define/compare/value myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that believing any ideas I've had about myself in my past is a way for myself to distract myself from who/what I am here, now, and in the moment of breathing.  Additionally, I'm aware that many of the memories I have about myself in the past aren't or may not be accurate because of the extensive amount of time that I have spent on changing the scenarios to fit how I would 'like' them to have happened and/or in such a way as to satisfy my self-interests and personality/character creation.  Instead of looking for 'clues' that may define me, I direct myself to use my memories as a tool to understand myself here, as who I have become - and from this point, to work on solutions to become a person that is best.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for making me the way that I am, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I created myself based on the opportunities and choices that were presented to me.  Instead of blaming others for what I have become, I bring the blame back to myself and investigate where/why/how I accepted the things about myself that I see as Bad/Wrong.  And from here, I work on removing these things about myself that are not aligned to me being the person that I can live with. 

Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Here I am writing, Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations

I see atleast 4 separate personalities/characters with the Traumatic Experiences that I have walked in these writings thus far: The Helpless Victim, The Fighter, The Surrenderer, and The Victor.  Suggest for myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself and my participation within and as these personalities.

There are times to speak and times to be silent.  I see that I have connected a positive meaning to the Word/expression Speak and a negative meaning to the Word/expression Silent - I immediately see where I allowed myself to define 'Speak' as a Good/Strength/Honesty and 'Silent' as Bad/Cowardice/Hiding-Something.  Suggest for myself to write out these Words, use the tools of self-forgiveness to become equal-to/understand these Words, and then to re-define these Words so that they can be lived without polarity.

I have connected/defined the expression of Stand Up to Fight and this clearly has not worked.  Suggest for myself to practically re-define/refine what it means for myself to Stand Up.

I have been continually attempting to force others to change for me according to my wants - even though I have been attempting this over-and-over-and-over again and not seeing any lasting change, I keep doing it.  Somewhere I decided to believe that I chose this life and that I hand-picked everyone and everything in my life/my world for the benefit/enrichment of myself.  Additionally, I have demanded that I be the center of attention and that all others are simply supporting characters where this is My Story and that others stories/lives have little to no significance and/or value in comparison to mine.  So, attempting to force/coerce/manipulate others to change is another way that I keep myself separate.

That to prove I am Right, I will compromise myself and place myself in harmful situations/events which shows that I value you my thoughts, my beliefs, my reactions, my excuses, my imagination, my wants/desires, and my fears above myself as real, living, and breathing physical substance.

That in order to feel better about myself as The Helpless Victim, that I must win to show myself and others that I have transcended these personality/character/experience/traumatic-events, that it is no longer me, that it is behind me, I am better than that, I am stronger than that, and in the end - I am The Victor.

I have been looking for the point in my lifetime where I fell because for some reason, I see myself as stronger during my early years.  Self-honestly, I see that this is not true - I did not experience myself as strong at all.  Additionally, I never have understood the best way for me to stand - so, how could I have ever stood?  And if I've never stood, how could I fall?

That others are not to blame for making me who/what I am - and that the decision to be dishonest was made by me.  It is the same as what I see in the world where we are given opportunities and within those opportunities we have a choice to make. No one but myself is to blame for my decisions made from/as my self-interests.

I have locked myself into a polarity trap within and as my Traumatic Events where if I can remember 'the positive things' and feel uplifted then the 'negative things' are simply the 'price I pay'.  While in this polarity trap, I have not allowed myself the time to consider/investigate how I experience myself - instead, I just run away to the next point within the trap.

When and as I stop fearing what I do not want to experience myself as/within and stop running from one polarity point to another,  I will assist myself in no longer accumulating stress as I will be walking, aligning myself to the points, and living self-honestly. 

Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Here, I am writing Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, push, and challenge authority regardless of the fact that I was shown time-and-time again that resisting, pushing, and challenging authority leads to negative consequences that could compromise my physical and mental well-being. I did not allow myself to consider nor see that there are times to speak and times to be silent - instead of practicing silence, I reacted to the events and situations because I saw it as a personal, unjust attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up for oneself means that one must fight back - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/define 'standing up' to/as 'fighting back' where my expression of standing up is fueled by fear, emotions, conflict, and anger.  I did not consider stopping, stepping back, and investigating a solution/redefinition of standing up because I've never allowed myself to be stable and clear of reactions so that I could redefine this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make events and situations 'about me' - where it is always 'about me', 'what I'm going through', 'what's going on in my world' and 'what's being done to me' - I do not allow myself consider what may be going on within and as another outside of myself that would have created them to be as they are.  I see others' existences as though they are/have been created FOR me and for MY world so have no value/definition/expectation other than what I assign/connect to them.  The consequences of this separation are: I do not see that I need to change, I do not consider redefining who/what/how I am, and I attempt to force others to change to fit into my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  When and as I saw that fighting did not work, that I went to the opposite polarity and sacrificed myself.  Additionally, I have not been self-honest about my decision to give in/fall because all-along, in my mind, my backchat was nasty and the expression of myself in this way was the ultimate form of spite as in my mind I was saying, "Go ahead.  You're only going to prove that I'm right and you're wrong - YOU'RE the bad person - not me."  Even as I played The Helpless Victim, I continued to challenge and test authority and continued to compromise myself and the one life that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a calm, pleasure when, in one moment, it stopped and I saw a glimpse of shame and compassion.  Finally - I won and saw myself as better than another which is what I was looking for all along. As I remember it, from this point, I wanted to maintain this experience of myself so I was careful to be Good and show that I could be Trusted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be honest with myself that this is not The Day I Fell - no.  In fact, I have never stood.  So, how could I have fallen if I have never stood?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone outside of myself created me to be the way that I am.  In relation to this Traumatic Event, where I blame someone outside of myself for making me a 'skilled manipulator', I am in-fact, not taking responsibility for my decision to evolve myself in this way as I had been looking for a way to gain an advantage, I saw the opportunity, I took it, and I integrated it into an as myself because it served my self-interest, empowered me over another, and eased my fear of loss/survival.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest that: Who I am within this event and the subsequent events that lead to another being removed from my life is Guilty.  I experience Guilt because my actions had a direct effect on a life that I cared for - the truth is, this person cared for me, taught me skills, allowed me to do things that most others did not get to do, and invested their time in me - they were essentially doing what they had been taught was best and were functioning from the same fears and reactions as myself.   I have carried this Guilt with me since the separation but never allowed myself to be shamed and instead, allowed my Ego to stand for me, in the way, and to keep my separated from myself so that I do not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flee from the guilt of being a catalyst that damaged anothers life - instead of facing guilt and looking at why I am judging myself so harshly, I run away from it so that it will continue to play over-and-over-and-over within and as me.  If I had stopped running, investigated myself, and allowed myself to be shamed for my self-dishonesty, I would have changed and from here, could have prevented myself from repeating/refining manipulation, guilt, self-punishment, polarity, and Ego separation which would have assisted me in not accumulating this extensive amount physical consequence, energy accumulation and stress.

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.