Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.

Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5

Here I am continuing with my process of understanding Animal Abuse.  For context, see:
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
And the documentary Earthlings

ART By Silvia Simone Gerssen

I am questioning my definition of Abuse because:

• I see abuse everywhere, in every 'thing' on this planet.
• When I am NOT being self-honest, I do not see myself as an abuser - I see everyone/thing else OUTSIDE of myself as The Abuser.
• I react to others stories, memories, and experiences of abuse/being abused as, "What the HECK? That is SO wrong." I experience a sorriness with the individual sharing their experience.  I want to hug, hold, and comfort the victim and I want to do everything within my power to separate the victim from their abuser.  I become angry with Earthlings hurting other Earthlings - I become angry, frustrated, and disappointed with Earthlings who ignore the Earthlings that are being hurt by other Earthlings.  I want the abuser, in any form that they have taken on this earth - animal, plant, insect, human, element - all that is HERE to STOP.  Even if it means removal. Just stop.  WHY does it have to be this way?

Now, when and as I ask others in my immediate environment the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?', I hear, "It is what it is ...", "It's God's Will ...", "That's life ...", "Survival of the fittest ...", "There's nothing any that I or any of us can do about it ...", "Yep.  We're all evil. Get used to it ..." or, "Not my concern, not my problem ..."

Honestly, I am equal to each and every one of these answers as the truth is, before participating with a group if beings that are working on standing up and taking responsibility for the abuse, my answer to the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?' was any of the above responses depending on what character I was acting, studying, or practicing at the time.  The fact that I have a 'new perspective' as 'NO MORE ABUSE PERIOD' changes nothing in my pattern of character creation - specifically, since I realize that as long as I am reacting to what myself or others see or share as 'abuse', that I have no clue what I'm standing for - how can I possibly give myself an opportunity to understand when I'm completely DISTRACTED by my reaction? I'm just another picketer, waiving a well-written sign in the air, while I use every possible character in my arsenal to get passerby's to not cross-the-line, to join us, or get out of the way.

Here is where I see myself - standing on the grass with my eye-catching sign of all the ugliness that is here.  From time to time, I get the attention from a curious, lonely, or guilty walker-by that wants to learn more but in the end I hear and see, "No thanks. Good luck, though.  I might check on you later to see how you're doing ..."  I see others as not 'getting it' - which is interesting because I GOT IT - loud and clear. Sure, there was a moment when I said, 'This person is INSANE ... I'm out of here ...' but I came right back for more in a matter of days.  Why?  Because all of my questions were answered honestly.  These people spoke to my common sense.  And they gave, and gave, and gave, and gave...

So. Honestly, truthfully, practically, and realistically, how am I allowing myself to define Abuse?  Because I can 'take others words for it' or allow my imagination to show me what abuse is, who the abusers are, who the victims are, etc. - over and over and over again BUT it's not getting me anywhere.

Oh, and another point:  Because we are ALL REACTING TO ABUSE, this leaves A LOT of room for deflection and deception.  I have proved this to myself recently.  Abuse is another Trump Card that I play to resist changing.  I've lived through some chaotic, confusing, emotional, unsafe and physically damaging times which I see myself as justified as using as an excuse and/or escape.  I can no longer allow myself to become this Abused Person Character nor can I accept this character of/as/from others.

Putting It Together
In relation to Animal Abuse and my reaction to the Earthlings documentary, I am reacting as my 'I'm An Abuser' and 'I Am/Was/Will Be Abused' Characters where I then justify becoming the 'I Can't' Character where I am allowing myself to resist as my mind and thus continue with my programming so that I do not allow myself the opportunity to establish an actual real relationship connection with myself via another Earthling.

Solution
In my next blog I will write my self-correction and self-commitment statements for my 'I Can't Watch This' Character. From there, I will investigate how I am living out my Abuse programming/Characters/definitions so that I can stop the reactions, GIVE myself an underSTANDING, and thus continue to establish a relationship of trust with myself.   Within this, I will continue watching Earthlings as my reaction indicates that I must walk this point with my awareness of my resistance.