Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.

Day 58: Nothing I Do Is Wrong - Self-Forgiveness, Continued

 

This blog is a continuation of:
Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong
Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued
Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for
Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued  
Day 53: I Am More - More Than You
Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,
Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued
Day 50: I Am Above This 
Day 49: I Am Perfect, and
Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my back-chat blame others for me not assisting and supporting myself where I tell myself within myself, "I can't work on this point because -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out." I have not wanted to see: That I am expecting others to do for me what I am not doing for myself and thus, I am abdicating myself. And, that I have been equally not supportive of others in my world by not making an effort to understand, not taking an interest in others work/blogs/activities, pushing others buttons, and not giving others space to work on figuring themselves out/developing themselves.  Instead of taking responsibility for this and directing this within my reality, I transformed it into blame in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in my world for something that I was, in-fact, doing myself instead of taking responsibility for not supporting myself and others and thus, within doing this, asking others in my world to equally support me so we all have the opportunity to become equal and one in taking responsibility for the support of ourselves and each other instead of me accepting and allowing the blame inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner-conflict in my mind toward others in my world through accepting and allowing myself to blame others in my back-chat instead of communicating with myself and others about not being supportive and within this, coming to a practical solution instead of accepting and allowing myself to generate more and more and more conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame within myself as my mind-back-chat instead of investigating my reactions towards others in my world within myself and then taking responsibility for what I'm experiencing, accepting and allowing within myself - but instead I've been taking it out on everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within my mind and because of this, I have been sabotaging my relationship with myself and my relationships with others in my world through not establishing communication with myself in investigating my own accepted and allowed mind-reactions of back-chat and thus not establishing effective communication with others in my world, where the relationship within me then became that of blame instead of equal and one consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to others within my mind as back-chat within blame instead of initiating actual direct and clear communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to come up and exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," was, in-fact, me speaking to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself to project it in blame towards others in my world and to not see, realize, and understand that I am doing the exact same thing in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to blame others in my world instead of taking responsibility for me in myself in my world, but instead accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame instead of me taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own tendency of not being supportive onto/towards others in my world where I create conflict with others in my world and not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that all along, I have been showing myself through others in my world that I have the exact same tendency of not being supportive - I didn't see, realize, nor understand this because I accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with blame.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am not taking responsibility for my not being supportive, that I am suppressing it, denying it, ignoring it with me and instead I am taking it on others in my world and projecting myself as a person who is not supportive onto/towards others only as it's more convenient to blame others rather than to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give into the convenience of blame in my mind through back-chat instead of taking responsibility for me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my communication with myself and others within my world through accepting and allowing myself to participate within back-chat of blame for something I did not take responsibility for and then trying to project my own responsibility onto/towards others in my world only and thus making everyone else the cause/source/origin of the problem, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that the blame that I am blaming others in my world for is in-fact what I have not taken responsibility for in my world, within myself.

The next blog: Self-Correction for 'Nothing I Do Is Wrong'.

Day 56: I Am More - Self-Correction, Continued

ART By MarlenVargas Del Razo

This blog entry is continued Self-Correction from Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You writings and Self-Forgiveness.  For additional context, refer to: Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

When and as I see myself separating myself from others from fear that others will bother me, bully me, challenge me, harass me, embarrass me, and/or talk shit about me, I stop. I clearly see, realize, and understand that I am fearing myself as I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked shit about others - and within this, I now see realize and understand that I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked shit about others to get attention from others within my world and that by separating myself from others that demonstrate these same behaviors, that I am separating myself from myself.  I commit myself to stop distancing myself from others within and as my mind by becoming equal-to what I am seeing in others that I am uncomfortable with via observing myself, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to no longer bully, harass, intentionally embarrass, or talk shit about others by slowing myself with breath and not allowing myself to act/speak out/as the narrator within me - instead, I commit myself to writing out my narrator, self-forgiving my narrator,  and self-correcting myself to act/speak out/as a being that values, cares, and considers life.

When and as I see that I am considering manipulating others for attention as indicated by myself feeling insecure, 'less-than', small, being 'little', 'curling into' myself, hearing my tone of voice change to a higher-pitch within me, and seeing myself within my mind as physically going to someone bigger than me for comfort, I stop - I commit myself to not act on my desire to comfort my insecurities by 'going-to' and/or manipulating another for attention, but to instead slow myself with breathing and go back within myself to the point/trigger in which I told and/or showed myself something that I experienced insecurity from and from here, write out my investigation of myself, self-forgive myself, self-correct myself and make a practical agreement with myself for a solution where I am giving myself what I am seeking in others.

Additionally within this, when I see myself going to the opposite polarity of 'being little' to 'being big', being strong, setting my jaw, becoming firm, flexing my muscles, and 'puffing' myself 'up', I stop, I breath, I relax.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself changing my character to manipulate depending on the environment and the beings within the environment so that I can get attention - I see, realize, and understand that any of these attention-getting behaviors as characters have been created by myself from a foundation of my fear of loss which I show to myself by not seeing myself as 'good enough', as 'missing out'/'missing something', and experiencing myself as insecure within this.  I commit myself to stop myself from acting out my attention-seeking-chameleon characters by NOT expressing/being what myself as my mind is telling/showing me to do in a moment to get attention, instead, I breath, I relax, and I bring myself here, and give myself and opportunity to BE here, as myself, in moments with others.

When and as I see myself working on a personality/character/plan that would place me in a position of importance/power/being THE ONE/being the savior, I stop. I now see, realize, and understand that my leadership role in my world is and had begun from a platform of fear of loss - where if I have had importance, respect, power, helped/protected others, and been the ONLY ONE that could do this for others, that I would secure my position in the world/in the group/on the team and thus be irreplaceable - I am starting to see the not cool consequences of this and thus, for the moment, I commit myself to stop myself from working on securing my place/my status/my position in my world and the others in my life by NOT ACTING on my programming that I created from fear - I commit myself to, instead, for the moment, develop and establish a trusting relationship with myself by showing myself that I can SUPPORT MYSELF with daily writing in my Journey To Life blog, catching up on and submitting assignments on-time, attending and participating in scheduled chats, stabilizing myself/my family/my animals/other life that I have taken responsibility for at home and effectively completing tasks within my survival system - EQUALLY.
 

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

 

Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.