Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 54: I Am More - More Than You (Cont.)

This blog entry is a continuation of Day 53: I Am More - More Than You, Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-CorrectionDay 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of, 'I deserve this more than you because I did more than you and thus I am more important than you,' to exist within and as me. I have not see, realized, nor understood that this is myself communicating to myself about myself in separation from myself where I projected myself on to others - what I am in fact telling myself is that I do not deserve more than others because I did not do the work and thus I am not important.  Instead of being honest with myself about how I really see myself negatively as less, I went to the positive polarity opposite and told myself I am more as this is how I maintained my satisfaction and comfort-ability with myself and thus trapping myself in a cycle of deception where I did not allow myself to see how I see myself for real because when I was learning how to survive my world, I saw, gave-in, and thus accepted that we human beings must see ourselves in a 'positive light' or we will be discarded, replaced, and/or rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself physically as being 'more' by lifting my chin up, turning my nose up, and not looking at others as if to pretend they do not exist within my world where I will also turn my eyes up and go into the 'fuzzy' place in my mind where I wait for the moments with others to be over.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this being 'upward' communicates the truth of myself to others that I only care about myself, do not want to see and/or understand others and I want to exists within my very own world and my very own bubble - within this physical expression I have been labeled a 'snob', a 'brat', 'spoiled', a 'baby', and/or 'princess'.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'enjoy'/take pleasure from these labels because I see/saw them as making me special, better, different, and more than others which in turn, gave me permission to act out my meaning/definitions/interpretations of these characters.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself that I become the Character That Is More Than You because I fear others - I have told myself that I can keep others from 'bothering' me, bullying me, challenging me, harassing me, embarrassing me, talking 'crap' about me, and at a 'safe' distance from me if I present myself as a person that is more than others within the reasoning that if one is more, one has control of themselves, others, and one's environment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a child - before I began to develop my Character That is More Than You - where my starting point was wanting, craving, and desiring attention from others and within this, I would bother, bully, challenge, harass, embarrass, and talk crap to others to get others attention - at the time, I did not realize that this behavior had negative meaning to the others in my life - all that I knew is that it got me attention and so I kept doing it until others became angry, annoyed, told me to go away, ignored me, and/or 'shut me out/off/down'.  I have not seen, until now, that this is where I learned to shut out others that I was uncomfortable with - and additionally, I had reasoned within myself that I/others would get 'shut out' if I/others were less than and not seen as important.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop, practice, and become my Character That Is More Than You when I was 7 years old where when I was around others that I saw as more than myself that I wanted attention from and yet I was fearful of because I saw myself as less than, I would make up stories of my greatness, how I did not need anyone, and how all of my dreams were coming true and I then paired this with dramatic charisma that I had learned from others in my world and the television - and it worked.  I went from having no friends to being accepted.  And from here, I continued to develop and 'tweak' the character and hid within this character until I got to high school and the character no longer 'worked' as 'The Rules' changed.

Self-Correction to follow in my next entry.

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