|'Characters Creating Anger' by Andrew Gable|
For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You
From here, I will be writing practical self-correction and self-commitments for self-forgiveness written for my fear of Loss of Respect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'. Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed. Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.
When and as I see myself becoming nervous, anxious, and/or worried about 'friending' others from my day-to-day, immediate world, as indicated to me by myself wanting to give others a 'heads up' that I share negative information on Facebook, I stop. I breath. I do not give in to myself narrating this fear of Loss of Respect for me and thus, I commit myself to not act/react/speak for/as/on-behalf of myself within my fear of Loss of Respect and instead, breath and simply accept a 'friendship request' and/or provide the information that another has requested so that they can connect/network with me.
When and as I see a picture of others in mind as 'talking about me' negatively where 'they' talk amongst themselves about me being 'insane/crazy' or that what I am doing is 'screwed up/not right', I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me projecting how I see myself on to others - that, in that moment, I am telling myself that I see myself as insane, crazy, screwed-up, not right, and being negative and within seeing this, I commit myself to suppress this negativity with blaming, becoming angry/frustrated/enraged at others and then telling myself why I am positive and not negative, and to instead, stop, breath, and assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for what I have negatively defined myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.
When and as I see that I am nervous, worried, and/or anxious when and as I share and/or discuss my Journey To Life, Honest Parent, and/or process blogs with others from my immediate world, I stop. I breath. I see, realize, and understand that I may be sharing/discussing points that I have not in-fact walked and/or become equal-to - and/or that I am re-acting to something within/as myself at that moment and within either of these possibilities, I commit myself to: Before posting a blog that I am struggling with and/or having a reaction to, to go back and re-read for any points that I have missed, have not yet walked, have not become equal-to and/or any reactions that I am trying to suppress and within this process, I commit myself to not share a blog unless I am clear of a reaction and to instead first walk and show myself that I am equal-to what I am sharing - and by giving this to myself I will remove self-doubt, the need to check myself with others, and establish a relationship of self-trust. Additionally, when in discussion with another about my writing, I commit myself to stop myself from reacting and to instead, breath, not follow the direction of the inner-dialogue within my mind, be silent, and observe my reactions so that I may assist and support myself to write the self-forgiveness and self-correction for my reactions.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.
When and as I see that, within my mind, I am playing out others reactions to me, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am distracting myself with others instead of bringing these points of reactions back to myself and that by allowing this, I am ignoring myself and not giving myself the opportunity to be/become equal-to and/or understand myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become. Within this, I commit myself to stop blaming others for my reactions to myself by when seeing that I am blaming, to stop, breath, slow myself down and bring the reaction point(s) back to myself so that I can take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up. And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.
When and as I see myself pushing myself to take a 'leap of faith' from a point of not trusting myself and not 'knowing' what's going to happen and so I place my trust and faith that others 'know' how to be responsible human beings, I stop and I see, realize, and understand that I am abdicating myself by 'putting myself in the hands of another' instead of taking responsibility and investigating myself thoroughly. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that it makes no common sense for me to push/engage with others that I am reacting to with disappointment, anger and distrust because it gets me no where. So, I commit myself to when I am seeing myself angry, disappointed, and distrustful of others, to not react, to not engage, and to not push myself by breathing, silencing myself, and bringing the points of anger, disappointment and distrust back to myself where I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-correction. Additionally, I commit myself to stop myself from taking 'leaps of faith' by making sure that I am standing by/as/for what I am expressing with absolute certainty that what I am expressing is me, equal-to me as clear and stable within that which I am expressing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog. I see what you're doing and it makes you happy. I don't agree with it, though." Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'
When and as I see that I am fearing how others react to me which is indicative of me experiencing an energy reaction of anxiety, worry, stress, imagining others relationship to me as me/as I would see my relationship to me as others, and/or anticipating that there will be conflict with others, I stop. I commit myself to investigating my anxiety, worry, stress, misunderstanding, confusion, and disagreement with myself by writing out my relationships with others and thus finding myself. I commit myself to practice being honest with myself instead of ignoring, suppressing, deflecting, and pawning my problems off on someone else - within this, I commit myself to giving myself logical, practical, real, and honest answers about myself with writing, investigating, self-forgiving, and requesting perspective/assistance/support when I am 'stuck'.