My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3. I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday. It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work. And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later. For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5
Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You
"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."
When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath. I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane. I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath. And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop. I breath. I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing. In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear. Why do this to myself? So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.
To be continued.