Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and on Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3, I looked at my Imagination.  In this blog, I'm writing out my Backchat.

Backchat

"It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized."
"It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of "It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind-blame-backchat on others instead of see, realizing, and understanding that I am communicating to myself about myself.  In relation to this back-chat of, "It's their fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized." I show myself pictures of myself leaving messes all over the house - but I do not want to see myself as the 'problem' so I project it onto others and change the picture from seeing myself as the problem to seeing others as leaving messes all over the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be clean and organized when I, am in-fact, not clean and organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to pick-up after themselves when I, am in-fact, not picking up after myself.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my mind-blame-projection onto others by telling myself, "Well.  Atleast -I- eventually get to my messes AND their messes and -they- do not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in response to an experience of guilt when others 'pick-up' after me rather than moving myself in breath as 'this gets done because it has to be done'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as the others that live in my home with me because if I had, I would have seen, realized, and understood that we are all equally overwhelmed with our environment and thus, it is easier to 'escape' into our mind where we can try to ignore the problem rather than fix it so that we all can enjoy our environment.  Because I did not allow myself to be equal to this point as myself and equal to this point as others, I blamed and became frustrated instead of working on a solution that we can all agree on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of, "It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it's my world's fault for making me the way that I am - it's my worlds fault for making me a person that exists in constant anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt, and frustration in relation to how my home 'has to look'.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I have accepted and allowed every memory and reaction to exist within and without side of me.  And, instead of investigating these reactions and memories, I simply accepted the reactions and memories as 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my home, the others in my home, and the others outside of my home that may come into my home rather than working on a plan for prevention.  Instead of communicating with my partner and my children about what needs to be done to keep our home in cool working order and thus prevent anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt and frustration in the future.

I commit myself to prevent my reactions to my home by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction.  As an additional level of support for myself and the non-Destonians in my home, I further commit myself to prevent reactions to our home by working out a 'plan of movement' for how we can work as a group to get our home to where we are 'comfortable' within it and then a 'plan of prevention' to keep the messes and disorganization from piling up in the future.

When and as I see that I am becoming angry, frustrated, and/or spiteful because I am cleaning up the messes of myself and others, I stop.  I bring myself out of my mind and back to myself here where I see, realize, and understand that we must be working on our home together as a group - and that I am not allowing this because I do not want to slow down so that I can assist and support others to understand/learn/agree-upon what we can do as a group to assist and support each other as prevention for any of us experiencing anger, frustration, overwhelmed-ness, and guilt.  I commit myself to stop compromising myself by taking on the largest percentage of responsibility to maintain/take-care/work-on our home by instead, in moments where I am seeing where I am reacting and/or there is no change to STOP and write down what I am reacting to/what is not changing so that we can discuss and work on solutions/preventions equally and realistically as a group.

In the next writing, I'll be looking at my Reactions.

Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/bravery

My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3.  I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday.  It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work.  And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later.  For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."

When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane.  I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath.  And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing.  In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear.  Why do this to myself?  So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.

To be continued.

Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2

Can I Walk Away In My Next Breath - By Andrew Gable

This blog is a continuation from Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes that I must face if I lose respect because I have defined myself as respectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which is separate from me within and as respect and believe that if I were to lose respect/if respect were to go away, that a part of me that I have separated myself would go away.  Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what myself (within separation) and others have defined, believed, expressed as 'being respectful' and within this, I show and tell myself that if I were to lose respect by not 'following the rules' of the definition, that I would lose others that I have connected myself to in my world, that I would lose their support, and that they would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself within and as others as MY beliefs, opinions, thoughts, back-chats, knowledge and information in relation to respect, how to get respect, and how to maintain respect - where if I were to let these go, I would go.  I would disappear.  Others would 'let go of' me, I would disappear from their world and thus, I would 'have to let go' of others and they would disappear from my world - I do not like this because I am not in-control of when, when, or how it happens and I can't have that -- I must have control of myself and my relationship with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and control others in my world because if I can control others in my world, I know that I am in-control and nothing - not myself, not others, no one-thing has to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and use characters paired with fear of losing respect as methods of control to keep myself and the human beings in my world as I want us to be, so that I can make sure that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change - within this, I have self-sabotaged myself with fear of losing respect of myself and from others as an excuse and justification to not self-support myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself to change my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'losing part of myself' as my characters and other human beings as the supporting characters in my world if I change == to Fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble, and having self-integrity will be difficult, painful, hell, tiresome, and lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble and having self-integrity' == to Fear because if were to 'let this fear go', I would remove a back-door for myself to not change.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of changing my character.

Continued in my next blog.