Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

ART By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself that a predominant reason that I do not want to die and that I do not want to leave this physical body, MY human body, is that I do not want to share with others what I have. Because I have defined everything in my world as MINE, I do not want to give it up unless it’s on MY TERMS.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself on in regards to death and other Destonian discussion regarding the ‘here-after’ and ‘swapping’, that I fear suffering, I fear pain, I fear losing what I ‘have’, and I fear that when I die, the work is just beginning and thus, there can be no rest for me – not here, not ‘there’, not anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will have a ‘new mommy’ if I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is better than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected it to the fear that if I die, my partner will choose a new partner that is a better mom than I could have ever been – and within this, I show/tell myself that my partner and my son are ‘happier’ and stable without me so that I can experience sadness, sorrow, depression and self-pity as, “Everyone is better off now that I’m gone.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is WORSE than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected to it the fear that if I die, my partner could choose a partner that is abusive to my son, that he may be raised Christian, and/or that he would be forced into the public school system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the positive and negative events within my fear of death/dying in my sleep to additional layers of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son and/or my partner’s reaction if they were to find me just dead – whether it be in the bed ‘in my sleep’ or on the floor ‘waking up from a heart attack in my sleep’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son and my partner will ‘freak out’ and be lost if/when/as they were to find me unexpectedly dead.  In my mind, I see my son crying, alone with my dead body and not knowing what to do – and I see my husband trying to revive me and when he can’t:  holding me, crying, rocking me.  This is some really fucked up imagery that’s mostly been learned via the media/Hollywood and we’ve all bought into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous when and as I think about what could happen if I were to die unexpectedly in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiousness and nervousness when and as I imagine all of the events, situations, and problems that could arise if I were to unexpectedly die in my sleep – What if I shit my pants when I die and others find me in a stinky, shitty, disgusting mess?  What if my son comes in to wake me up in the morning and finds me dead – who would he call, what would he do, would he be traumatized for the rest of his life? What about all the stuff I own? What happens when people start coming into my house and finding all of this unorganized stuff that I did not get to?  What will they think of me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety when I think about dying or dying in my sleep because I don’t know for certain the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I see others as separate from me, as being better/superior to me, and/or being ‘super-human’ in that they may transcend shitting themselves when they die when I have not – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am communicating to myself here that I, am in-fact, in fear that my body will have the ‘last laugh’/the ‘last word’ – and I do not like this – I must be in complete control, even at the moment of death to ‘avoid embarrassment’.  I am competing with myself in separation where I, as my mind, will not give up on WINNING, even in that last moment of breath and I, as my mind, will make sure that I get what I want from my body – even if I have to abuse my physical body with shame, embarrassment, guilt, remorse, nervousness, and anxiety for every moment for the rest of my ‘life’ here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I do not trust my physical body – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this relationship that I have created of ‘distrust’ with my physical body can be applied to other aspects of my life – to other humans, places, events, etc. – all because I cannot control any of these.  I live in constant polarity of seeing other humans, places, animals, events, nature, etc., as both greater and then, to compensate, lesser than me. Back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth.  Because I have not allowed myself to be/become equal-to/one/amalgamate with my physical body, other humans, places, animals, events, etc., everything that I have allowed to exist outside of me – because I cannot control these things – I have not allowed myself to establish a relationship of trust with any of them.  It’s the BIG FUCK-YOU – where I say, ‘Fine, if you won’t promise to do what I want and do it, fuck you - you no longer exist in my world, you’re dumb, you’re dead weight to me, we are done here.’ Separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate and sever all relationships within myself and everything outside of myself in my world when I say, “I Am Done,” and then run-away from the relationships that I have created instead of taking responsibility for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness, anxiety, and nervousness when faced with points within my relationship creations within myself and outside of myself as ‘others’ that I see myself as responsible for – instead of being self-responsible, I run away and try to ignore what I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I do not know how to handle the relationships that I’ve created instead of trusting myself, here as myself, in every moment of breath.  Bringing the point back to my fear of death and fear of dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety because I do not know how to handle/control anything that happens in the moment and after the moment of death – and because of this one point that makes no common sense, I have separated myself from my physical body rather than trusting myself here as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future of myself dying and dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the future’ to ‘fear of dying’/’fear of dying in my sleep’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of dying/dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how ‘things might be’ if/when/as I die and/or die in my sleep so that I feel and experience myself as having control over the future, because I fear the future.

More in the next blog.

Day 78: An Angel Watches Over Me

In this blog I am writing self-forgiveness in relation to my writings in my Honest Parent blog where I was looking at the point of Guardian Angels.  Within self-forgiveness I will be take responsibility for my beliefs in Angels/Powerful and Influential Entities as well as the consequences of my acceptance and allowance of these beliefs.  For context, see:



Dec 27, 2012 - On Guardian Angels and Dec 30, 2012 - Are Guardian Angels Real?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing - losing my life, losing my health, losing my identity, losing my children, and losing that which I see myself as possessing, and with this fear of losing, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an entity outside of myself with Great Mystical Powers and Influence that will assist me and save me if anything were to 'go really' wrong in my life that would threaten my life, my health, my identity, my children, and anything that I see myself as possessing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there are Angels watching over us Special Humans that have purpose, meaning, good hearts, doing 'good work', have a special place in God's Heart, and have connections in a Heaven that is waiting for us.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am 'invincible' and/or 'untouchable' by anything 'bad' because I am a Special Soul That Is Being Watched Over By A Guardian Angel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a specific Angel looking over me - in-fact, I have further created the image in a dream and thus from that image been able to transpose the image of my Guardian Angel onto my physical reality where I am the only one that can see, feel, and experience my Angel as being with me - even though no one can see her, I know she is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself with my mind-backchat, "If you don't have a Guardian Angel, it's your own fault because you don't believe or you're just a mean, nasty person that does not deserve an Angel."  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "If you don't have a Guardian Angel, it's your own fault because you don't believe or you're just a mean, nasty person that does not deserve and Angel," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react Positively when I get into a situation that I see is threatening that turns out 'okay' because it confirms my belief that I am still Special and that I have someone Special with Special Powers and Influence watching over me and keeping me from harm - I feel 'good' about myself, my life, and my purpose in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react Negatively when I get into a situation that I see is threatening that does not turn out in a way that I would have liked, expected, or hoped for because I tell myself that I 'probably did something wrong', that I was 'not good enough', and that My Special Entity With Special Powers and Influence is no longer watching me, looking out for me, or looking out for my best-interest.  Within this, because I experience myself as lost, worried, confused, over-whelmed, and in Emotional Turmoil and I do not like this, I will then react Positively and tell myself that I can do better - that is was just a fluke or that I am being tested as to make myself feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as confident, blessed, and knowing of my 'specialness' within and as myself and others telling me that I have an Angel or a Special Mysterious Entity watching over me - I square my shoulders, a tip my lips up at the edges, and I make my eyes rounder and 'sparkly'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the consequences of placing the responsibility of myself, my life and my livelihood within the protection of a entity outside of myself - Instead of taking care of myself and my physical body, I told myself that an entity would make sure that I was 'okay' - so, I would put off going to the doctor.  Instead of being cautious with my actions in my life, I had faith that I was protected - so I acted recklessly and once gave up everything that I had with the belief that I was blessed and would never have to worry about not having clothes, food, or shelter.  Additionally, because I placed the fate of myself in the hands of another outside of myself, I never taught or got myself in the habit of directing myself and instead, mis-placed my trust which led to one disappointment after another never seeing, realizing, or understanding that I have the Power of every moment of breath to direct myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have accepted and allowed myself to mis-place my responsibility and trust for the care and what is best for myself and humanity into the hands of an entity outside of myself, I have in-turn accepted and allowed an existence where we place our livelihood in the hands of our Education System, our companies that provide us with employment, our system of money, the banks, our State, our Country, the politicians, our Government - all of these that we as a group of humans separate ourselves from and blame each and every day of our lives instead of saying, "Thanks for the service that you have provided when I did not see myself as able - now that I'm seeing where we are required to make changes, it is time for us to establish a new agreement."

Self-Correction and Self-Commitment to follow in my next blog.

Day 71: Preventing Time-Related Stress

I will continue with 'I Have Everything - Part 2' in the next blog.

For the moment, I'm sharing an experience that I had this weekend.

A childhood friend of mine invited me to her parents house for some 'girls time away'.  An over-night adventure turned into over 24-hours of just 'chilling out' for me.  My friend has a little girl close to my son's age so the kids played which allowed me to move freely - it was quite awesome.  I did not watch the time - I set no limits as to where I needed to be a certain time and when I observed myself putting a rush on myself, I stopped, I breathed, and I remained where I was.  We ate when we wanted to eat, we drank when we wanted to drink, we all moved within what interested us in moments - not necessarily the same interests, but we were together.  It was very cool.  I noticed that I became clear, stable, and focused and my learning process expanded - like, there was this vast open space within me that was limitless.  I also saw that I was moving slowly and when I saw that I was speeding up, I would slow myself back down as this is how the others around me were moving.

When I came home, I was clear and I was still moving slow - so clear and so slow in-fact that there was a change - first, I noticed that I wasn't chewing on my right 'ring' fingernail nor my pinky and second, the ringing in my ears was gone.  This lasted for awhile until I began putting the pressure on myself to write/respond-to emails, get my blog entry done because I haven't shared the past couple of days, be with my partner, and communicate with another that I'm in conflict with.  At this point, the ringing in my left ear came back almost immediately.

So, I've been walking this time point for awhile and within the past 24 hours, I've come to see, realize, and understand what my life could actually be like if I remove this stressor.  Additionally, all should have the opportunity to experience themselves in this way - everyday of our life.  In one moment of all making the decision to support and implement an Equal Money System, this could be done.  Imagine the potential of the human within this - for me, it's mind-blowing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what life could in-fact be without the stress I put myself as my mind and body within/through via my reacting to a time clock.  I have not seen how simplified my life could be when and as I 'let go of time' because I have feared that if I 'let go of time' that I will 'lose time' or that I will lose myself within time - and this is not true.

Why, as a group, have we accepted and allowed ourselves to place ourselves within/through this stress of having to be somewhere at all times and by a specific time on a 'dead-line'?

Why have I accepted and allowed this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by an object/number/calculation outside of myself that I have separated myself from as a Clock and Time because I have accepted and allowed the System of Time that has been passed onto me from those that I have gone before me within the belief that if I do not agree with and/or comply with this system, that I will not survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, being unable to provide for myself and those I care about, and being seen as 'lazy' and not a part of the group if I was to not agree with and comply to time within my definition of what is required to survive and/or be successful within the world systems of money and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the prevention, for the moment, that I can give myself within and as my relationship to time is to stop my fear of losing time with writing and self-forgiveness; and then with re-directing myself within a commitment to breath and slow myself down as stress-prevention for myself.

When and as I see that I am rushing - that my thoughts/mind/body/movements are speeding, I stop.  I breath.  I slow myself and bring myself back to myself to where I am in a moment - I am here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am doing myself and others a great disservice by allowing myself to be distracted by time and that if I am watching a clock or thinking about where I have to be and for what reasons, that I am not here - I am instead, trying to get out of here and thus living in the future and this is not cool. 

I commit myself to the prevent myself from reacting to time by breathing and self-forgiving myself for the thoughts/reactions/back-chats/imaginings that come up within my mind and then re-direct myself to bring myself back to myself as me here and present.

I commit myself to not only gift myself with the prevention of stress in relation to time but to also show others that there is a gift that we can give each other as all which is an Equal Money System that will put an end to this rushing to meet deadlines to survive/avoid being seen as a failure.

 

Day 70: I Have Everything - Part 1

ART By Anna BrixThomsen

I have everything that I need and more than I want.  My home is filled with stuff.  It's everywhere.  And a great amount of my Time has be spent on organizing, moving, getting rid of, and getting more stuff. When I throw stuff out, give stuff away, or move stuff where I do not have to see it, it always comes back to the same - piled up somewhere.  Even if I am not out buying stuff, stuff always ends up here - I'm constantly given stuff.  It's distracting to me.  And what I want more than anything is to simply have a clear, well-organized space that's easy to maintain. But ... this stuff just won't go away ...

Self-Forgiveness for this point will be for the relationships that I have created/connected to this stuff as a whole.

Fear

- That I will die and all of this stuff will be left behind that I never sorted through - an thus, another will be responsible for sorting through what I could not get done myself.
- That others will visit my home and label me as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' for not creating a clean, organized space for my child to grow in 100% of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough time in my life to sort through myself, organize myself, and become responsible for myself/my world - and instead of seeing that I am speaking to myself about my fears and thus give myself an opportunity to become equal-to this fear, I projected this fear onto my environment as 'stuff' where I blamed all the stuff in my environment/home/living-space because it was easier to distract myself with 'stuff' outside of myself, react to it, and become overwhelmed within it as I exist in my mind only rather than bringing the 'stuff' back to myself  and seeing my relationship with myself within my relationship to 'stuff'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' as indicated to me by my projection onto myself as others as me.  Instead of stopping, breathing, and becoming equal-to this blame-projection with writing and self-forgiveness for where this 'messy, lazy person' and 'bad mom' relationship connection to an unorganized home originated from within my experiences, I accepted, I allowed it, I became it, and I tried to enforce it/impress it upon others so that I did not have to change.

When and as I see that I am becoming tired, overwhelmed, worried, and/or rushed to organize my home because I am anxious and hurrying to avoid any future embarrassment, I stop. I breath. I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that 1) death is going to come when it comes - I have no control over this nor do I have control over the reactions of others to what I may have left behind as done or not done - I do what I can with what time that I have and running around worrying, being tired, overwhelmed, hurried, rushed, and/or anxious to prepare for my death is not living, it's preparing to die; and 2) When I do die/leave my physical body and face my 'Creator'/myself, I would like to see that I was a life worth living and I would not like to see that I was a life of self-inflicted energetic reactions.

When and as I see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom', I stop.  I breath.  I baaaaaaack it up.  I see, realize, and understand that I am enforcing/impressing on myself and others my programming within the fear that if I do not support this programming and thus 'keep myself and others in check', that I will lose myself as a my positive definition of/as a 'neat freak' because I 'can't stand messes' and that 'I care about the health and well-being of others living with me'.  This is a polarity trap that I have set for myself to keep me locked in and not questioning the system/myself as a system where I tell myself that a mom that doesn't have the 'perfect' house is bad mom and within this, try to make myself better by becoming my positive definition of a 'good mom' and a 'good person' which includes having a 'perfectly clean and organized home'.

I commit myself to stop preparing myself to die and instead focus on being a life which I will do by breathing and being present here.

I commit myself to no longer accepting allowing my 'Perfect Mom-Perfect Person-Perfect Home' character and system programming to exist within and as me - I will show myself that this character/system programming is unrealistic as I investigate with Self-Forgiveness and then re-direct myself as a Real Mom-Real Person living in a Real Home. And within this, I commit myself to no longer impress this character/system programming on to others but to instead share practical, common sense direction.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness for Thoughts in next entry.

Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2

Can I Walk Away In My Next Breath - By Andrew Gable

This blog is a continuation from Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes that I must face if I lose respect because I have defined myself as respectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which is separate from me within and as respect and believe that if I were to lose respect/if respect were to go away, that a part of me that I have separated myself would go away.  Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what myself (within separation) and others have defined, believed, expressed as 'being respectful' and within this, I show and tell myself that if I were to lose respect by not 'following the rules' of the definition, that I would lose others that I have connected myself to in my world, that I would lose their support, and that they would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself within and as others as MY beliefs, opinions, thoughts, back-chats, knowledge and information in relation to respect, how to get respect, and how to maintain respect - where if I were to let these go, I would go.  I would disappear.  Others would 'let go of' me, I would disappear from their world and thus, I would 'have to let go' of others and they would disappear from my world - I do not like this because I am not in-control of when, when, or how it happens and I can't have that -- I must have control of myself and my relationship with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and control others in my world because if I can control others in my world, I know that I am in-control and nothing - not myself, not others, no one-thing has to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and use characters paired with fear of losing respect as methods of control to keep myself and the human beings in my world as I want us to be, so that I can make sure that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change - within this, I have self-sabotaged myself with fear of losing respect of myself and from others as an excuse and justification to not self-support myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself to change my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'losing part of myself' as my characters and other human beings as the supporting characters in my world if I change == to Fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble, and having self-integrity will be difficult, painful, hell, tiresome, and lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble and having self-integrity' == to Fear because if were to 'let this fear go', I would remove a back-door for myself to not change.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of changing my character.

Continued in my next blog.