Day 171: Is Appearance Everything?

Here continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from self-forgiveness on Day 170: Appearance Is Everything.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see myself becoming possessed/obsessed with/by physical beauty, as indicated by me going into the ways that I can make myself appear beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy to others in order to have an easier life and/or get something I want from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in this Beauty possession/obsession from a point of desiring positive experiences and controlling/manipulating others to get these experiences - and I allow this participation because in my mind as thoughts, imaginations, beliefs, and ideas, I show myself that my life will be easier and I will get the things that I want if I am beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy - which, requires much less effort than actually applying myself to develop skills, educate myself, and expand myself so that I am able to create a life for myself and by myself that I am satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into thoughts, imaginations, and possessions/obsessions with beauty and physical attractiveness by when and as the thoughts and/or imaginations come up in regards to beauty/physical-attractiveness, to make the decision to not participate - and I remind myself that I have been in these thoughts over-and-over-and-over again - it always begins and ends the same with me desiring a specific outcome, me showing myself how I can get this outcome via my physical appearance, and me acting it out in physical reality with real physical consequences. Within this, I commit myself to: instead of going into the ways that I can change/improve my appearance to improve my living, I look at the ways in which I can improve upon and change myself via education, learning new skills, and self-awareness - and to stop limiting myself. I also commit myself to look deeper into why I desire to control and manipulate others by when and as the points come up in-relation to how I can get others to do 'what I want' and/or how I see and/or would like things to work out as per my mind-fantasy, I breathe, slow myself down, observe my thought-process that got me to this point.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to go into the belief that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier, that I will not have to worry about others judging me nor speaking negatively about me, that there will be more opportunities for me, and that I will 'fit in' better, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am seeing how I am/have been allowing my programming to direct me and that I am communicating to myself about how I judge myself, limit myself, and attempt to force my physical body to align with my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty - and I do this from a point of fear - fear of getting to know myself and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into my beliefs about beauty and how it will benefit me if/when/as I allow my programming to direct me to align myself to my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty. First, I remind myself that it's physically impossible to shape my body as per my mind's definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations - I have tried and tried and tried and this has compromised me and my physical body. Next I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the Fears in relation to myself that are coming up. And finally, I allow myself the opportunity to get to know me - as me - instead of me as an image that I am attempting to project.

When and as I see that I am seeking out positive energetic experience via Beauty and/or fleeing from negative energetic experiences via 'Ugly' as indicated by me going into looking at ways that I can be more physically attractive to others and attempting to hide/mask/suppress/alter what I see about myself that is/may be unattractive to others, I stop and breath. I realize that I am limiting myself when and as I participate in these behaviors, patterns and polarities. I additionally realize that I am not standing and directing myself to create an admirable life for myself by paying attention to myself, accepting myself, respecting myself, and caring for myself.

I commit myself to stop seeking out positive energetic experiences of attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love from others and within this, stop attempting to make myself more physically attractive to others - and I commit myself to stop fleeing from the fear of having a negative experience of disregard, being ignored, being loathed, being bullied and/or being 'cast-out' by others. Instead of entering into negative and positive polarities and allowing myself to be directed by my mind in response to my wants, desires, fears, beliefs, and ideas, I allow myself to trust myself to direct myself in an admirable way - as what is best - and within this, trust my ability to pay attention to myself, accept myself, respect myself, and care for myself.

Day 170: Appearance Is Everything

I see physical Beauty as something that is required for myself to possess so that I can have an easier existence and get what I want from others. I have come to believe that if I am beautiful as per my mind's definition of physical beauty that my life will be easier because I will no longer worry about being judged by others, about others speaking negatively about my physical appearance, that there will be more opportunities for me in this world, that I will fit in better, and that I will not have to work as hard to make friends with others. During my time here on earth, I have seen and experienced the difference between being seen as 'ugly' and being seen as 'beautiful' where being seen as 'ugly', I have been disregarded, ignored, loathed, bullied and being a 'cast-out' - and on the opposite polarity, when I am seen as beautiful, I receive attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and Love - all of the things that I want from others because I have not given these things to myself. In addition, I see that I have also connected Beauty to Survival where the more beautiful I can project myself as being, the more money I can make and/or get from others. Within this, it is interesting that I have not questioned why I chose an industry to work in where 'appearance is everything' and how my income is dependent on others impressions of me and whether or not I provided a positive experience within my ability to assess and/or anticipate an individuals wants, needs, and desires.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see physical beauty as something that is required for myself to possess because I believe that if I am seen as beautiful and/or physically attractive that my existence here will be easier and I think that I will get 'what I want' from others. Within this, I have NOT seen how in my desire to possess physical beauty that I have allowed myself to become obsessed and possessed-by beauty and the desire to be beautiful/attractive - in-fact, I think about it constantly and continuously. Further, when and as I do not experience an 'easier' life and/or I do not get what I want from others, I blame it on my physical appearance as: I am not pretty/sexy/beautiful/attractive enough. I do not consider the things that I can actually change about myself to assist with my life to be easier - like skills, education, and self-awareness. And I do not ask myself why I want to control others and manipulate as to 'get what I want' from them - and why I have come to accept the belief that being beautiful/physically-attractive assists with controlling and manipulating others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier because I will no longer have to worry about others judging me or saying about me in a negative way. I tell myself that there will be more opportunities for me in this world if others see me positively, that I will 'fit in' better and that I will not have to work as hard to make friends with others. Here, I have completely disregarded my self-communication - it is actually me that is submitting to my own mind definition/picture/idea of physical beauty: It is me judging myself. It is me speaking about myself in a negative way. It is me limiting myself and not allowing myself to explore opportunities for myself within the world. It is me enforcing myself as my mind onto my body in an attempt to make my physical body 'fit in' to my definition/picture/idea of beauty. And it's me not wanting to actually get to know myself nor anyone else in the external world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect positive and negative energetic experiences in the past to Ugly and Beauty. I have connected being disregarded, ignored, loathed, bullied, and being an out-cast to 'Ugly' with a negative energetic charge and I have connected attention, admiration, acceptance, respect and Love to 'Beauty' as a positive energetic charge. Because I have not given myself attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love, I look to others to give this to me - it is a weakness that I use against myself as to ensure that I will not stand and that I will keep myself locked into a pattern of fleeing from a negative energetic experience and seeking out a positive energetic experience. If I were to develop and stand within/as/for points of self-attention, self-admiration, self-acceptance, self-respect, and self-love, I would not flee away from nor seek out these points because I would be equal and one with them.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2

Can I Walk Away In My Next Breath - By Andrew Gable

This blog is a continuation from Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes that I must face if I lose respect because I have defined myself as respectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which is separate from me within and as respect and believe that if I were to lose respect/if respect were to go away, that a part of me that I have separated myself would go away.  Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what myself (within separation) and others have defined, believed, expressed as 'being respectful' and within this, I show and tell myself that if I were to lose respect by not 'following the rules' of the definition, that I would lose others that I have connected myself to in my world, that I would lose their support, and that they would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself within and as others as MY beliefs, opinions, thoughts, back-chats, knowledge and information in relation to respect, how to get respect, and how to maintain respect - where if I were to let these go, I would go.  I would disappear.  Others would 'let go of' me, I would disappear from their world and thus, I would 'have to let go' of others and they would disappear from my world - I do not like this because I am not in-control of when, when, or how it happens and I can't have that -- I must have control of myself and my relationship with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and control others in my world because if I can control others in my world, I know that I am in-control and nothing - not myself, not others, no one-thing has to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and use characters paired with fear of losing respect as methods of control to keep myself and the human beings in my world as I want us to be, so that I can make sure that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change - within this, I have self-sabotaged myself with fear of losing respect of myself and from others as an excuse and justification to not self-support myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself to change my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'losing part of myself' as my characters and other human beings as the supporting characters in my world if I change == to Fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble, and having self-integrity will be difficult, painful, hell, tiresome, and lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble and having self-integrity' == to Fear because if were to 'let this fear go', I would remove a back-door for myself to not change.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of changing my character.

Continued in my next blog.