Here I am sharing writing and self-forgiveness for my Fear of Dying In My Sleep. For previous writings in-relation to my walking the point of death, see: Honest Parent Dec 22 2012: On Death
Recently, a family member died from a heart-attack in their
sleep. It was assumed that the family
member died painlessly. I did not buy
into this because a comedian on TV described a different scenario of those that
die in their sleep – that, what in fact happens is that one wakes up from
sleeping, grasping at their chest and gasping for air until they die and fall
right back into the place that they were sleeping prior to their heart-attack –
alone, looking as though one had died ‘peacefully’ with no one wiser to their
pain. Later, a woman described to me how
her husband had woken up from sleep and suffered a heart-attack – she watched
him die, she said she was powerless, and that it was horrific.
So, when I heard from my partner that my family member died
of a heart-attack in their sleep and that all assumed that the person had ‘probably
slept right through it’ with the reasoning that they had diabetes, I did not for
one moment believe this. Within my mind,
I saw my family member waking from sleep, grasping at their chest and neck with
fear while they tried to get air into their lungs until they died, falling right
back into the position that they had been sleeping in.
Physically, I crossed my arms in
front of me, set my jaw, and watched my partner’s features for any physical
indication that he was not convinced about the ‘painless story’. Not seeing any, I questioned myself, ‘…perhaps
diabetes would numb the heart area and maybe this person didn’t feel any pain …
maybe they did sleep through it …’ I communicated this to my partner and he
confirmed that diabetes could have numbed the pain, which is why the family
member didn’t wake up.
Either way, in the end, I had a faint
graven image of my family member in my mind – curled up in the fetal position
on their side in bed and gray.
They are dead.
I have always had a fear of dying in my sleep because I have
feared that if I died in my sleep that I would get lost in my dreams and that
it would take me a long time to find my way back to myself or back to
‘home’. Also, where I am now, I do not
want to miss any detail of my death.
When I die, I want to be aware that I am in fact dying and not suddenly wake
up in someplace where I don’t know where I am or how I got there. Additionally, I’m always afraid that I’m
going to ‘miss out on’ or lose an opportunity for an experience that
others have and/or had.
·
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get
lost’. Thus, I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to be
lost within the realization that I am here always.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘lose myself’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
losing myself in my sleep.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
connect losing myself in my sleep to fear and thus I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
losing my life while I am sleeping.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
connect losing my life while I am sleeping to fear and thus I forgive myself
for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping, dreaming, and/or
not aware.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
connect ‘losing the physical experience of death because I am sleeping,
dreaming, and/or not aware’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing – even at death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
connect ‘losing – even at death’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for
accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear myself changing at death – whether it be in my sleep or otherwise, however
I get there – where because I have defined myself by my characters, the way I
look, the people that I know, the ‘things that I own’, and my physical reality,
I fear losing this work that I have done to create the characters, the look,
the relationships with people, and the ‘things that I own’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define myself according to that which I have accepted and allowed to exist
separately from me within my world and thus, within and as that separation, I
believe, show, and tell myself that when I die, all of those parts that I have
separated myself from will be gone from me forever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define myself in placing myself in material and emotional possessions in my
world, where if I were to physically die, I would be gone, I would go, I would
disappear, I would forget/be forgotten – I can’t handle that; I have to control
my experiences and my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
try and control my experiences and my world because as long as I am able to
control my experiences my world, I see that I am in control and I do not have
change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
use a method of control in my world where I manipulate, lie, tell part-truths,
avoid, create conflict, speak knowledge and information, blame and enforce
guilt to control the human beings in my world to keep them locked-in to the way
that I want them to be so that I do not have to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that I might lose part of myself if I change. And bringing this point back to my fear of
death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to fear that I will lose the human beings and physical materials that I
control and possess – everything that I know that I can control with my methods
of control, are gone when and as I physically die and thus, lose myself and how
I have come to define myself within and through that which I have separated
myself from. I see death as the
‘ultimate change’ – the BIG change, the inevitable change that can happen at
any moment and the where, when and how of my death is the unknown variable that
I cannot control and instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this
is myself communicating to myself about my negative fear of losing everything
if I change, I tell myself that ‘to die would be a great adventure’ positively
and then ‘it happens when it happens’ as means of ‘settling’ myself within a
neutral standing in which I express my living as, ‘I have no power or control so I accept’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
‘losing parts of myself when and as I change from being here physically to not
when I physically die’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that changing from being here physically to not being here physically will
be difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and confusing. I have not seen, realized, nor understood
this is me communicating to myself about my perspective and living expression
within and as the point of change – my ‘not wanting to’ and resistance to
changing is actually myself self-sabotaging myself with fear of difficulty,
pain, hell, torture, fright and confusion – and because I have accepted and
allowed this fear to exist within and as me in relation to change, it has
in-fact become my relationship with change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
connect ‘changing being difficult, painful, hell, torture, frightening, and
confusing’ to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself
to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that I am not able to change.
Bringing this back to death and dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I die in my sleep that I
will fuck up death too – that I will lose out on that moment because I was
sleeping, sucked into my mind, and not aware.
Additionally, I fear that after my physical death that I will not be
able to change and that I will continue to repeat the same patterns
over-and-over-and-over again, not ‘get it right’, and be lost for eternity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear changes in my environment where ‘my environment’ in relation to death is: I fear that I will catch a disease from my
environment/my living/others that I cannot control that would be ‘the end of
me’ and kill me. As my mind where I negatively tell/show myself that I cannot
control others and the diseases that others spread so I must control myself by
positively demonstrating myself as ‘above disease/others with disease’ and so
neutralize my physical environment with separating myself from others when
there is a ‘flu’ going around and neutralize myself and the environments that I
control with chemicals that kill diseases.
I have not seen nor realized that the chemicals that I use to kill
and/or neutralize disease in my environment can also kill me – and thus,
fearing changes in my environment that could kill me manifests changes in my
environment that can kill me.
Additionally, until now, I have not seen, realized, nor understood just
how vicious, dangerous, and physically abusive neutrality is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear leaving this physical existence forever – and within this, I forgive
myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being in a non-physical
existence because I have no fucking clue how the here-after functions, how it
works, what the ‘rules’ are, how it ‘looks’ and how I must change myself to not
be lonely for eternity. Additionally, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death because I
fear that I will never be able to come back here within and as this physical
existence – because this physical existence is ‘all that I know’ and ‘all that
I have defined myself within and as’, I cannot imagine any other existence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
‘changes in my existence’ to fear of The Unknown and thus I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here-after – if there are
any beings around me at all. Within
this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any
changes in the beings in the here-after – where, I become uncomfortable and
insecure when I try to imagine what beings in the here-after are/will be ‘like’
because my mind cannot ‘wrap itself around’/see/make a connection and/or
relationship to that which I, as a mind consciousness system have never had an
experience with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect ‘changing/adapting to the beings around me in the here – after, if
there are any beings around me at all’ to fear.
And thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear changing because my fear of being alone – I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear that I will have to change my ‘role’ within existence over-and-over
again. Where I’m seeing the here-after
as hard-work that one CAN NOT simply just ‘settle’ into one position, master
the position, and make a choice later on of whether one stays within their
position or if one moves on. I am scared
that I will have to live many ‘illusionary’ lives in the here-after to their
fullest potential and once this is done, as I am about to live a life of
enjoyment and fun, I will be removed/removed myself and placed/place myself
within and as another.
Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next entry.
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