Day 84: What If I Die In My Sleep? - Part 2

Continuing from Day 82: What If I Die In My Sleep?

ART By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself that a predominant reason that I do not want to die and that I do not want to leave this physical body, MY human body, is that I do not want to share with others what I have. Because I have defined everything in my world as MINE, I do not want to give it up unless it’s on MY TERMS.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself on in regards to death and other Destonian discussion regarding the ‘here-after’ and ‘swapping’, that I fear suffering, I fear pain, I fear losing what I ‘have’, and I fear that when I die, the work is just beginning and thus, there can be no rest for me – not here, not ‘there’, not anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son will have a ‘new mommy’ if I die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is better than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected it to the fear that if I die, my partner will choose a new partner that is a better mom than I could have ever been – and within this, I show/tell myself that my partner and my son are ‘happier’ and stable without me so that I can experience sadness, sorrow, depression and self-pity as, “Everyone is better off now that I’m gone.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will choose a new partner that is WORSE than I am if I die – to add to this fear, I have connected to it the fear that if I die, my partner could choose a partner that is abusive to my son, that he may be raised Christian, and/or that he would be forced into the public school system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the positive and negative events within my fear of death/dying in my sleep to additional layers of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my son and/or my partner’s reaction if they were to find me just dead – whether it be in the bed ‘in my sleep’ or on the floor ‘waking up from a heart attack in my sleep’.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my son and my partner will ‘freak out’ and be lost if/when/as they were to find me unexpectedly dead.  In my mind, I see my son crying, alone with my dead body and not knowing what to do – and I see my husband trying to revive me and when he can’t:  holding me, crying, rocking me.  This is some really fucked up imagery that’s mostly been learned via the media/Hollywood and we’ve all bought into it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious and nervous when and as I think about what could happen if I were to die unexpectedly in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anxiousness and nervousness when and as I imagine all of the events, situations, and problems that could arise if I were to unexpectedly die in my sleep – What if I shit my pants when I die and others find me in a stinky, shitty, disgusting mess?  What if my son comes in to wake me up in the morning and finds me dead – who would he call, what would he do, would he be traumatized for the rest of his life? What about all the stuff I own? What happens when people start coming into my house and finding all of this unorganized stuff that I did not get to?  What will they think of me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety when I think about dying or dying in my sleep because I don’t know for certain the outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I see others as separate from me, as being better/superior to me, and/or being ‘super-human’ in that they may transcend shitting themselves when they die when I have not – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am communicating to myself here that I, am in-fact, in fear that my body will have the ‘last laugh’/the ‘last word’ – and I do not like this – I must be in complete control, even at the moment of death to ‘avoid embarrassment’.  I am competing with myself in separation where I, as my mind, will not give up on WINNING, even in that last moment of breath and I, as my mind, will make sure that I get what I want from my body – even if I have to abuse my physical body with shame, embarrassment, guilt, remorse, nervousness, and anxiety for every moment for the rest of my ‘life’ here on earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience nervousness and anxiety about dying and dying in my sleep because I do not trust my physical body – I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this relationship that I have created of ‘distrust’ with my physical body can be applied to other aspects of my life – to other humans, places, events, etc. – all because I cannot control any of these.  I live in constant polarity of seeing other humans, places, animals, events, nature, etc., as both greater and then, to compensate, lesser than me. Back-and-forth-and-back-and-forth.  Because I have not allowed myself to be/become equal-to/one/amalgamate with my physical body, other humans, places, animals, events, etc., everything that I have allowed to exist outside of me – because I cannot control these things – I have not allowed myself to establish a relationship of trust with any of them.  It’s the BIG FUCK-YOU – where I say, ‘Fine, if you won’t promise to do what I want and do it, fuck you - you no longer exist in my world, you’re dumb, you’re dead weight to me, we are done here.’ Separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to separate and sever all relationships within myself and everything outside of myself in my world when I say, “I Am Done,” and then run-away from the relationships that I have created instead of taking responsibility for them. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness, anxiety, and nervousness when faced with points within my relationship creations within myself and outside of myself as ‘others’ that I see myself as responsible for – instead of being self-responsible, I run away and try to ignore what I’ve created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I do not know how to handle the relationships that I’ve created instead of trusting myself, here as myself, in every moment of breath.  Bringing the point back to my fear of death and fear of dying in my sleep, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety because I do not know how to handle/control anything that happens in the moment and after the moment of death – and because of this one point that makes no common sense, I have separated myself from my physical body rather than trusting myself here as myself in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future of myself dying and dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the future’ to ‘fear of dying’/’fear of dying in my sleep’, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of dying/dying in my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create expectations of how ‘things might be’ if/when/as I die and/or die in my sleep so that I feel and experience myself as having control over the future, because I fear the future.

More in the next blog.