|ART By Rozelle Destonian De Lange|
For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog. I see what you're doing and it makes you happy. I don't agree with it, though." Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up. And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'. Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed. Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.
To be continued in next blog.