Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Here, I am writing Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist, push, and challenge authority regardless of the fact that I was shown time-and-time again that resisting, pushing, and challenging authority leads to negative consequences that could compromise my physical and mental well-being. I did not allow myself to consider nor see that there are times to speak and times to be silent - instead of practicing silence, I reacted to the events and situations because I saw it as a personal, unjust attack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that to stand up for oneself means that one must fight back - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect/define 'standing up' to/as 'fighting back' where my expression of standing up is fueled by fear, emotions, conflict, and anger.  I did not consider stopping, stepping back, and investigating a solution/redefinition of standing up because I've never allowed myself to be stable and clear of reactions so that I could redefine this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make events and situations 'about me' - where it is always 'about me', 'what I'm going through', 'what's going on in my world' and 'what's being done to me' - I do not allow myself consider what may be going on within and as another outside of myself that would have created them to be as they are.  I see others' existences as though they are/have been created FOR me and for MY world so have no value/definition/expectation other than what I assign/connect to them.  The consequences of this separation are: I do not see that I need to change, I do not consider redefining who/what/how I am, and I attempt to force others to change to fit into my definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  When and as I saw that fighting did not work, that I went to the opposite polarity and sacrificed myself.  Additionally, I have not been self-honest about my decision to give in/fall because all-along, in my mind, my backchat was nasty and the expression of myself in this way was the ultimate form of spite as in my mind I was saying, "Go ahead.  You're only going to prove that I'm right and you're wrong - YOU'RE the bad person - not me."  Even as I played The Helpless Victim, I continued to challenge and test authority and continued to compromise myself and the one life that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a calm, pleasure when, in one moment, it stopped and I saw a glimpse of shame and compassion.  Finally - I won and saw myself as better than another which is what I was looking for all along. As I remember it, from this point, I wanted to maintain this experience of myself so I was careful to be Good and show that I could be Trusted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be honest with myself that this is not The Day I Fell - no.  In fact, I have never stood.  So, how could I have fallen if I have never stood?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone outside of myself created me to be the way that I am.  In relation to this Traumatic Event, where I blame someone outside of myself for making me a 'skilled manipulator', I am in-fact, not taking responsibility for my decision to evolve myself in this way as I had been looking for a way to gain an advantage, I saw the opportunity, I took it, and I integrated it into an as myself because it served my self-interest, empowered me over another, and eased my fear of loss/survival.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest that: Who I am within this event and the subsequent events that lead to another being removed from my life is Guilty.  I experience Guilt because my actions had a direct effect on a life that I cared for - the truth is, this person cared for me, taught me skills, allowed me to do things that most others did not get to do, and invested their time in me - they were essentially doing what they had been taught was best and were functioning from the same fears and reactions as myself.   I have carried this Guilt with me since the separation but never allowed myself to be shamed and instead, allowed my Ego to stand for me, in the way, and to keep my separated from myself so that I do not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flee from the guilt of being a catalyst that damaged anothers life - instead of facing guilt and looking at why I am judging myself so harshly, I run away from it so that it will continue to play over-and-over-and-over within and as me.  If I had stopped running, investigated myself, and allowed myself to be shamed for my self-dishonesty, I would have changed and from here, could have prevented myself from repeating/refining manipulation, guilt, self-punishment, polarity, and Ego separation which would have assisted me in not accumulating this extensive amount physical consequence, energy accumulation and stress.

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.