Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

I continue to hear, "You're not doing enough.  You need to do more."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I hear that things are not going the way that I anticipated - and that it's caused by lack of participation and not meeting commitments.  I tell myself that I must be the one that's not doing enough and that this message is for me and for others like me that don't participate and/or possibly not contribute as much as others toward a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "You're not doing enough," and "I'm not doing enough," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not doing enough - In my mind I have a quota of tasks that I would like to complete on a daily basis that I tell myself would satisfy me 'doing enough'.  So, if I am not meeting every task that I tell myself are the basics that I should be doing every day, then I tell myself that I'm "not doing enough" and show myself within my imagination what would make me better, good enough, and doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.  Instead of being honest with myself that I am in-fact angry at myself, I tell myself that someone else is 'the problem' and allow other unsupportive backchat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time required to sit down and restructure my living after some changes.  I have not allowed myself to structure and re-direct myself in a self-honest way so that I am not longer reacting to hearing what's not being done or what needs to be done.  Instead, I allow myself to move from one polarity to another without actually deciding on anything - and this is a problem - I get caught up in my mind cycling through justifications and/or reasons for my emotions, inner-conflict, and other instabilities rather than simply making the decision and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear, "You're not doing enough. You need to do more," as a way to flee and not take responsibility so that I never hear what is actually being communicated.  I only hear what feels good and if what's being communicated feels bad, I tune it out using a myriad of excuses, reasons, justifications, backchats, and blame-projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop hearing rather than taking a practical inventory of myself so that I could come up with a stable plan.  I stop hearing because it's a quick and easy way out of anything that I do not feel comfortable with, do not understand, and do not experience confidence in my abilities to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and/or stop how I interact, experience, and learn from the world because I fear not surviving the situation - others may stop liking me and may kick me to the curb - this terrifies me because when I was a child, being left out, being left behind, or not being apart of the group was horrible.  So, instead of allowing myself to be here without fear where I can hear, I allow my past to haunt me - a past that doesn't even exist anywhere else but in my Mind.

 

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.