Day 146: Making It About Me

Part One of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate in thoughts about how what I am hearing must be about me, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I am participating with information that is being filtered through my mind and thus cannot be trusted - I am hearing only what I want to hear to keep myself distracted and disinformed.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this creates paranoia which is unnecessary.

I commit myself to when and as thoughts come up about how what I am hearing is about me, to allow myself to stop making everything about me and to instead, hear what is being said - actually listen to the message. 

I commit myself to practice no longer allowing myself to be distracted by my thoughts while hearing what another is saying via written or spoken communication by pushing myself to not take the thought-bait.  When and as I am in face-to-face or on the phone communication, I breath and allow myself to stay present.  When and as I am reading, listening-to, or watching something and I see that I am 'missing' parts and not hearing everything because I am participating with my thoughts, I stop and I go back to the beginning until I am able to hear and/or see all that's being communicated without drifting off into my thoughts.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate with the thought, 'You're/I am not doing enough - you/I need to do more' and other thoughts where I tell myself what I am, who/what I need to be doing - I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that these are thoughts that I programmed into myself from somewhere in my past and I kept them because it has motivated me to get things done - one way or another - and has rewarded me with many successes in the system.  So, instead of allowing these thoughts to direct and change who/what I am, it would be best for me to investigate their origin and see if I can use them to get things done in a non-abusive, non-conflicting, and self-directed way.

I commit myself to work on no longer allowing myself to be directed by the random 'I'm not doing enough - I need to do more' thoughts and to instead get rid of the fears surrounding these thoughts with self-forgiveness and get down to really understanding them and if I can direct/utilize them in some way that is supportive.

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

I continue to hear, "You're not doing enough.  You need to do more."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I hear that things are not going the way that I anticipated - and that it's caused by lack of participation and not meeting commitments.  I tell myself that I must be the one that's not doing enough and that this message is for me and for others like me that don't participate and/or possibly not contribute as much as others toward a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "You're not doing enough," and "I'm not doing enough," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not doing enough - In my mind I have a quota of tasks that I would like to complete on a daily basis that I tell myself would satisfy me 'doing enough'.  So, if I am not meeting every task that I tell myself are the basics that I should be doing every day, then I tell myself that I'm "not doing enough" and show myself within my imagination what would make me better, good enough, and doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.  Instead of being honest with myself that I am in-fact angry at myself, I tell myself that someone else is 'the problem' and allow other unsupportive backchat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time required to sit down and restructure my living after some changes.  I have not allowed myself to structure and re-direct myself in a self-honest way so that I am not longer reacting to hearing what's not being done or what needs to be done.  Instead, I allow myself to move from one polarity to another without actually deciding on anything - and this is a problem - I get caught up in my mind cycling through justifications and/or reasons for my emotions, inner-conflict, and other instabilities rather than simply making the decision and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear, "You're not doing enough. You need to do more," as a way to flee and not take responsibility so that I never hear what is actually being communicated.  I only hear what feels good and if what's being communicated feels bad, I tune it out using a myriad of excuses, reasons, justifications, backchats, and blame-projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop hearing rather than taking a practical inventory of myself so that I could come up with a stable plan.  I stop hearing because it's a quick and easy way out of anything that I do not feel comfortable with, do not understand, and do not experience confidence in my abilities to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and/or stop how I interact, experience, and learn from the world because I fear not surviving the situation - others may stop liking me and may kick me to the curb - this terrifies me because when I was a child, being left out, being left behind, or not being apart of the group was horrible.  So, instead of allowing myself to be here without fear where I can hear, I allow my past to haunt me - a past that doesn't even exist anywhere else but in my Mind.