Day 146: Making It About Me

Part One of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate in thoughts about how what I am hearing must be about me, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I am participating with information that is being filtered through my mind and thus cannot be trusted - I am hearing only what I want to hear to keep myself distracted and disinformed.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this creates paranoia which is unnecessary.

I commit myself to when and as thoughts come up about how what I am hearing is about me, to allow myself to stop making everything about me and to instead, hear what is being said - actually listen to the message. 

I commit myself to practice no longer allowing myself to be distracted by my thoughts while hearing what another is saying via written or spoken communication by pushing myself to not take the thought-bait.  When and as I am in face-to-face or on the phone communication, I breath and allow myself to stay present.  When and as I am reading, listening-to, or watching something and I see that I am 'missing' parts and not hearing everything because I am participating with my thoughts, I stop and I go back to the beginning until I am able to hear and/or see all that's being communicated without drifting off into my thoughts.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate with the thought, 'You're/I am not doing enough - you/I need to do more' and other thoughts where I tell myself what I am, who/what I need to be doing - I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that these are thoughts that I programmed into myself from somewhere in my past and I kept them because it has motivated me to get things done - one way or another - and has rewarded me with many successes in the system.  So, instead of allowing these thoughts to direct and change who/what I am, it would be best for me to investigate their origin and see if I can use them to get things done in a non-abusive, non-conflicting, and self-directed way.

I commit myself to work on no longer allowing myself to be directed by the random 'I'm not doing enough - I need to do more' thoughts and to instead get rid of the fears surrounding these thoughts with self-forgiveness and get down to really understanding them and if I can direct/utilize them in some way that is supportive.

Day 109: Are YOU A Shame?

I'm pausing from my walking my I Am Curious Character for a moment to take self-responsibility for a point that I was faced with today which was Shame.  When I was presented with a moment that I could experience shame, I put up my self-defenses immediately where instead of facing myself within and as a negative experience I was having with shame, I projected it onto others as being something that they're doing that's not best instead of allowing myself to see it within and as myself as my origin point.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience shame as a negative emotion where when I questioned myself, "Am I doing what's best?" and my answer was, "I could do better," I physically experienced a sinking in my stomach to which I responded to with, "But I tried - it may not have been a perfect effort but I did it when others did not."

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover-up the negative experience of myself with neutral and positive responses.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further separate myself from Shame by projecting it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I constantly and continuously exist within and as self-doubt and self-distrust because I do not allow myself to become equal to my mind within and as my companion thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the Word Shame with the thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Word Shame to trigger a pattern within and as me where I see myself negatively, have a physical pain reaction with which I invert into myself by suppressing it, smooth over my negative experience with neutral and positive affirmations, and then projecting the experience of myself on to others as a means to further separate myself from the Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from the Word Shame rather than embracing myself within and as Shame so that I am able to bring this piece of myself back to myself where I can take responsibility for the Word, see myself within and as the word, and give myself the opportunity to break myself from my trigger response to the Word so that I can self-correct myself and release myself from the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and flee from Shame because I have defined it as 'Bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word Shame to Bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, attach the Word Shame to anothers expression of anger and disappointment as they looked at me with a disgusted 'look' on their face and said, "You should be a-Shamed of yourself."  And when as the person that should be a-shamed, there was no way that I could see for myself fixing what I had done - it was permanent and could not be changed ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Shame as a point of acceptance for my actions and use it to tell myself I can not change, that it is fruitless to change and say within myself, "Why bother?"  Because it will not improve how another sees me.  I did not allow myself to change myself for myself within and as Shame - instead, I used it as an excuse or a backdoor out of my uncomfortable zone.

I forgive myself that I not accepted and allowed myself to see that I flee from Shame because I fear it - I fear being seen negatively - and specifically, I fear angering and disappointing others whom I see as greater than myself.  And because I did not see this, I did not see that Shame threatens my system of survival as I have become a People Pleaser to ensure my survival within the system.

When and as I see myself fleeing from myself within and as Shame, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that there is a point to be faced within myself as Shame that I must be self-honest and equal-to.  I breath, I slow myself, and I investigate my triggers for/of/as the experience of Shame and direct myself to to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit so that I can effectively free myself from the pattern.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fleeing from Shame and to instead embrace myself within and as Shame self-honestly with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment until I am no longer reacting to the Word Shame and thus triggering a pattern of separation from the experience of Shame.

Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2

Why am I judging myself so harshly??


Here I begin applying the Solution of Self-Forgiveness as self-directed from writings on Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 where I saw the extent of which I am judging myself.

Artwork By Scott Cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess myself as GOOD or BAD based on my review of myself within my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically find reasons within my memories of why I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgement of myself as being bad with guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of guilt to my judgement of myself of bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself for not standing within and as my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the thought and spoken Words of 'I Forgot' to a blank picture or nothingness within my mind.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the extent of which I have been looking to my mind for visual cues as a means to tell myself how I will react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am interpreting the pictures in my mind - just like when I was reading Tarot Cards - and that I have trained myself to interpret the pictures that I see to have specific meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative experiences/emotions within myself with the physical action of 'wincing' - I have not been aware of myself doing this and why and so I am not certain of when I started doing it.

Definition of Wincing = Wincing is an involuntary grimace or an involuntary slight move away because of pain, discomfort or anticipation of pain or discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'involuntarily' grimace or move away because of the pain and discomfort that I am subjecting myself to or are about to subject myself to rather than breathing, investigating why I am causing myself this pain of guilt, and work on stopping it. Instead of standing up and stopping it, I allowed it to go-on-and-on-and-on-and-on for many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being 'bad', 'dumb', 'naive', 'wrong' and 'not good enough' for not seeing, standing, stopping, and preventing this problem of myself inflicting pain on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself within my realization of myself trying to 'cover-up' my negative experiences of myself with good experiences of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad', 'stupid', 'slow', and 'too caught up in myself' to notice where I am being dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  I am lying to myself because I fear the badness in me and I fear others finding out about the badness in me and so I try to hide the 'badness' with what I tell myself that others will see as 'good' - the goodness of me. So I judge myself to keep myself 'in-check' and suppress myself with guilt, remorse, and disappointment to make certain that no one else ever sees the thoughts, memories, and pictures in my mind.  Because as hard as a try to make myself forget - I can't - all of my mistakes and all of the things that I have seen, done, spoke, and thought keeps coming back.

For many years prior to starting my self-forgiveness process, I was convinced that I was haunted and that a demon or an evil spirit was following me throughout my life and torturing me with this ringing in my ears, strange experiences, and whispers just beyond what I could hear.  I was certain that this evil presence could harm me and my family so I would 'ward it off' by surrounding myself and my family with the White-Blue Light and saying the Lords Prayer.

I was terrified and existed in absolute fear of what might happen at night when the lights were turned off or when I was alone during the day.

Interesting, huh?

Up next: More Self-Forgiveness!