Day 188: A Weak Spot Exposed

Jess Kubacik Art
http://jesskubacik.com/

Awhile back, someone asked me a question about something that I am responsible for that I see that I'm not directing effectively.  When I was asked the question, I immediately experienced discomfort - I did not want to answer the question because I was aware that I was taking the question personally.  In my mind I worked it out that if I answered the question - no matter if the answer was positive or negative - that the situation would work itself out fine because I have this belief that the person asking this question is a caring sort of person.  

I then answered the question directly and honestly.  The other person, upon hearing my answer, expressed mild-shock and then frowned.  Which, again, I took personal and experienced guilt and self-disappointment that I was not able to effectively demonstrate being responsible for a point.

From this state of guilt and self-disappointment, I quickly went on the defense and into my Ego where I made myself angry with backchat about what a bad person this other person is for judging, criticizing, and not being the caring person that they should be - I told myself that this person should be ashamed of themselves - among other nasty things in my secret mind where I planned my revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort when and as I am asked questions that I have defined as personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a question that someone outside of me is asking and make it personal because the question exposed a weak spot within and as me - an area of my living that I have not yet been effective at directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see me in a positive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged negatively by someone that I want to be a caring person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast another into the role of a 'caring person' where, when the other person was not able to be what I wanted them to be, I experienced mild shock and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to answer a question while in a state of reaction and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that responding while in a state of reaction will work out - which, it never does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the reactions I'm seeing in others are actually my own reactions being mirrored back at me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt and disappointment with myself and within this, allow myself to go into guilt and self-disappointment rather than ask myself: how can I more effectively direct this point that I responsible for?

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to go on the defense and into my Ego with my personalities and have secret conversations with myself where I am always in the right, that I'm doing the best I can, and that either I can't change or I don't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty, backchat, and plan my revenge against others all because I do not want to put in the effort required to make changes that will assist me to be more effective with a point that I am responsible for.

I commit myself to use discomfort as assistance and support by when and as I experience the discomfort, to not go into reaction and instead use that moment of discomfort to see where I am not being effective, where I am not standing, and where I am not living up to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to stop making uncomfortable interactions a personal attack by when and as points come up that I see as a weakness reflected back to me from my external environment, to stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into paranoia, fear, and my ego because a part of me that I am uncomfortable with is being exposed.  So, within this, I commit myself to, in such moments like this when my weaknesses are exposed to change my perspective and allow myself to instead investigate and try out various ways of changing the point until I am standing clear with the point.

I commit myself to stop desiring for others to see me in a positive way and I also commit myself to stopping myself from fearing others seeing me negatively by when and as I see myself desiring for others to see me in a positive way because I fear others seeing me negatively, I stop and breath.  I remind myself of my commitment to myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use others to feel better or worse about myself.  I remind myself of my self-agreement to communicate with myself and to bring back to myself these positive and negative experiences of myself that I am attempting to project upon others.

I commit myself to stop going into shock and disappointment when others do not respond in a way that I hope, belief, imagine and/or expect them too.  And I commit myself to stop attempting to force others into these character roles that I create for me and where I am apparently lacking because I don't want to change and create myself as these roles in a way that is ALL WAYS best.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to become nasty, spiteful, and revengeful by when and as I feel that fear and anxiety building within me to breath and stop.  I remind myself to not go into this fear and anxiety as this leads to the same place time-and-time-again where I go into my Ego, I show myself how I am right and everything/everyone else is wrong, and then go about showing it to the world - which, never works out how I imagine it working out (in my favor) in my mind.

Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2

Why am I judging myself so harshly??


Here I begin applying the Solution of Self-Forgiveness as self-directed from writings on Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 where I saw the extent of which I am judging myself.

Artwork By Scott Cook

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assess myself as GOOD or BAD based on my review of myself within my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically find reasons within my memories of why I am bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my judgement of myself as being bad with guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of guilt to my judgement of myself of bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed with myself for not standing within and as my self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the thought and spoken Words of 'I Forgot' to a blank picture or nothingness within my mind.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the extent of which I have been looking to my mind for visual cues as a means to tell myself how I will react.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I am interpreting the pictures in my mind - just like when I was reading Tarot Cards - and that I have trained myself to interpret the pictures that I see to have specific meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative experiences/emotions within myself with the physical action of 'wincing' - I have not been aware of myself doing this and why and so I am not certain of when I started doing it.

Definition of Wincing = Wincing is an involuntary grimace or an involuntary slight move away because of pain, discomfort or anticipation of pain or discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'involuntarily' grimace or move away because of the pain and discomfort that I am subjecting myself to or are about to subject myself to rather than breathing, investigating why I am causing myself this pain of guilt, and work on stopping it. Instead of standing up and stopping it, I allowed it to go-on-and-on-and-on-and-on for many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being 'bad', 'dumb', 'naive', 'wrong' and 'not good enough' for not seeing, standing, stopping, and preventing this problem of myself inflicting pain on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and be hard on myself within my realization of myself trying to 'cover-up' my negative experiences of myself with good experiences of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'bad', 'stupid', 'slow', and 'too caught up in myself' to notice where I am being dishonest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see:  I am lying to myself because I fear the badness in me and I fear others finding out about the badness in me and so I try to hide the 'badness' with what I tell myself that others will see as 'good' - the goodness of me. So I judge myself to keep myself 'in-check' and suppress myself with guilt, remorse, and disappointment to make certain that no one else ever sees the thoughts, memories, and pictures in my mind.  Because as hard as a try to make myself forget - I can't - all of my mistakes and all of the things that I have seen, done, spoke, and thought keeps coming back.

For many years prior to starting my self-forgiveness process, I was convinced that I was haunted and that a demon or an evil spirit was following me throughout my life and torturing me with this ringing in my ears, strange experiences, and whispers just beyond what I could hear.  I was certain that this evil presence could harm me and my family so I would 'ward it off' by surrounding myself and my family with the White-Blue Light and saying the Lords Prayer.

I was terrified and existed in absolute fear of what might happen at night when the lights were turned off or when I was alone during the day.

Interesting, huh?

Up next: More Self-Forgiveness!