Day 188: A Weak Spot Exposed

Jess Kubacik Art
http://jesskubacik.com/

Awhile back, someone asked me a question about something that I am responsible for that I see that I'm not directing effectively.  When I was asked the question, I immediately experienced discomfort - I did not want to answer the question because I was aware that I was taking the question personally.  In my mind I worked it out that if I answered the question - no matter if the answer was positive or negative - that the situation would work itself out fine because I have this belief that the person asking this question is a caring sort of person.  

I then answered the question directly and honestly.  The other person, upon hearing my answer, expressed mild-shock and then frowned.  Which, again, I took personal and experienced guilt and self-disappointment that I was not able to effectively demonstrate being responsible for a point.

From this state of guilt and self-disappointment, I quickly went on the defense and into my Ego where I made myself angry with backchat about what a bad person this other person is for judging, criticizing, and not being the caring person that they should be - I told myself that this person should be ashamed of themselves - among other nasty things in my secret mind where I planned my revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort when and as I am asked questions that I have defined as personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a question that someone outside of me is asking and make it personal because the question exposed a weak spot within and as me - an area of my living that I have not yet been effective at directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see me in a positive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged negatively by someone that I want to be a caring person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast another into the role of a 'caring person' where, when the other person was not able to be what I wanted them to be, I experienced mild shock and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to answer a question while in a state of reaction and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that responding while in a state of reaction will work out - which, it never does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the reactions I'm seeing in others are actually my own reactions being mirrored back at me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt and disappointment with myself and within this, allow myself to go into guilt and self-disappointment rather than ask myself: how can I more effectively direct this point that I responsible for?

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to go on the defense and into my Ego with my personalities and have secret conversations with myself where I am always in the right, that I'm doing the best I can, and that either I can't change or I don't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty, backchat, and plan my revenge against others all because I do not want to put in the effort required to make changes that will assist me to be more effective with a point that I am responsible for.

I commit myself to use discomfort as assistance and support by when and as I experience the discomfort, to not go into reaction and instead use that moment of discomfort to see where I am not being effective, where I am not standing, and where I am not living up to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to stop making uncomfortable interactions a personal attack by when and as points come up that I see as a weakness reflected back to me from my external environment, to stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into paranoia, fear, and my ego because a part of me that I am uncomfortable with is being exposed.  So, within this, I commit myself to, in such moments like this when my weaknesses are exposed to change my perspective and allow myself to instead investigate and try out various ways of changing the point until I am standing clear with the point.

I commit myself to stop desiring for others to see me in a positive way and I also commit myself to stopping myself from fearing others seeing me negatively by when and as I see myself desiring for others to see me in a positive way because I fear others seeing me negatively, I stop and breath.  I remind myself of my commitment to myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use others to feel better or worse about myself.  I remind myself of my self-agreement to communicate with myself and to bring back to myself these positive and negative experiences of myself that I am attempting to project upon others.

I commit myself to stop going into shock and disappointment when others do not respond in a way that I hope, belief, imagine and/or expect them too.  And I commit myself to stop attempting to force others into these character roles that I create for me and where I am apparently lacking because I don't want to change and create myself as these roles in a way that is ALL WAYS best.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to become nasty, spiteful, and revengeful by when and as I feel that fear and anxiety building within me to breath and stop.  I remind myself to not go into this fear and anxiety as this leads to the same place time-and-time-again where I go into my Ego, I show myself how I am right and everything/everyone else is wrong, and then go about showing it to the world - which, never works out how I imagine it working out (in my favor) in my mind.

Day 113: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 13

Why do I tell myself that I am fine?

Here I am writing Self-Correction from realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.






When and as I see myself ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point that I am faced with because I have connected the point to being BAD/negative/wrong, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I do not stop, breath, face the point, and become equal-to what I do not like about myself and/or what exists within and as me, that my pattern of separating myself from my physical body, blankness, and searching for something GOOD within an experience/memory prevents me from ever actually changing my starting point of having a BAD experience - and within this, because I do not become equal-to and change my starting point, my pattern continues over-and-over-and-over again.  So, instead of ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point, I re-direct myself to embrace the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from the reactions that I use as a trigger to separate, not take responsibility for, and to not change.

When and as I experience physical pain/uncomfortableness from memories/experiences, I do not suppress the pain and I do not hide within my mind where I can make myself numb.  I support myself within and as the pain with breathing and direct myself to investigate the what my thought was that triggered my GUILT and/or SHAME as I see, realize, and understand that in this moment I have an opportunity to change myself and my living so I embrace the moment, explore the connections, and push myself to get to my core/source/origin point.  Within this, I direct myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to realize myself, how I function and why I do what I do and thus work on a solution to change with the tools of self-correction and self-commitment.

When and as I see myself searching through my memories to find reasons/data/proof for why I am GOOD/positive/right, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that I am about to complete the cycle of not taking responsibility for myself as I am seeking out reasons, justifications, excuses and/or flat-out lies to ease myself from my negative experience of myself instead of changing myself so that I no longer have to tell myself that I'm not BAD and/or that any negativity does not exist within/withoutside of me.  Instead of making a cover-up story, I re-direct myself, again, to breath and go backwards through my mind process of WHY I saw myself as having to flee from the scene, WHY I judged myself so harshly, and WHY I needed to provide proof/come up with a story that I could show myself why I am not only innocent but also righteous.

I commit myself to facing the things/events/scenarios/experiences/memories that I tell myself are BAD/wrong, negative/unforgivable - to take responsibility for my mistakes and to vigilantly work on removing myself from my pattern of: thought/experience/memory -> shame/guilt/fear -> escape/separation -> excuses/reasoning/justification/lies/positive-affirmations that keeps me locked into my mind and my self-interest.  I commit myself to discovering my triggers that initiate my patterns/programmed responses.  I live up to these self-commitments to myself by breathing, slowing myself, going back-wards through my processes and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see that I am connecting NOT speaking self-forgiveness out-loud to BAD, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I connect my behaviors or lack of certain behaviors to BAD, that I am setting myself up for failure as I will manifest a negative experience within/as my relationship with myself and my process.  Within this, when and as I see that I am connecting BAD to my behaviors or lack of behaviors, I re-direct myself to investigate the connections and then trace the origins of my programming as to WHY I have set myself up in this way and from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself laughing at myself for my reactions and telling myself that, "I am FINE!" and/or "There was no reason for me to experience myself in this way!", I stop and I see that it is too late and I have completed the cycle of my abdication of myself.  I breath, bring myself back to here, and re-trace the details of my pattern.  I investigate why/where I was not effective in my application and self-correct myself.

When and as I see that I am about to step into my I Am Curious Character as indicated by myself 'Not Knowing' for sure the outcome/answer and thus I begin considering ways that I could find out and/or prove something to myself and others WITHOUT considering the consequences which is additionally indicated by me moving really fast and becoming agitated by outside distractions, I STOP.  I breath.  I slow myself down.  I direct myself to sit and write PROS and CONS of the decision that I am considering making and following through with.  I am now aware of the amount of stress that I put on my physical body when I possess myself with this character as I bounce back and forth between 'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I SHOULD!' and that it requires several hours after the matter to get myself and my physical body stable again.  So within considering what is best for my self-development AND my physical body, I see, realize, and understand that writing out my decisions and moving in the direction that I find is best is absolutely required.
 
When and as I see myself reacting to and/or fleeing from the judgements that I have connected to the personalities that I have stored within me as memories, I stop!  I breath, slow down and study these personalities - why did I store/learn/program myself with these specific personalities and images?  Why do I keep these personalities within and as me even though I am not in-contact with most of them outside of my mind?  Why do I use these personalities to judge myself? Why do I use these personalities to hide from the negativity of myself?  How are these personalities influencing my decisions and my every day living? Why am I afraid that these people are 'going to get rid of me for good this time'? -- I see, realize, and understand that I have been running away from this judgmental group of dissonant personalities and pretending as though these are of no consequence because I don't like what they're saying. Instead of running, I re-direct myself to stand, face myself as my accusers, write them out, and self-forgive. 

Day 109: Are YOU A Shame?

I'm pausing from my walking my I Am Curious Character for a moment to take self-responsibility for a point that I was faced with today which was Shame.  When I was presented with a moment that I could experience shame, I put up my self-defenses immediately where instead of facing myself within and as a negative experience I was having with shame, I projected it onto others as being something that they're doing that's not best instead of allowing myself to see it within and as myself as my origin point.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience shame as a negative emotion where when I questioned myself, "Am I doing what's best?" and my answer was, "I could do better," I physically experienced a sinking in my stomach to which I responded to with, "But I tried - it may not have been a perfect effort but I did it when others did not."

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover-up the negative experience of myself with neutral and positive responses.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further separate myself from Shame by projecting it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I constantly and continuously exist within and as self-doubt and self-distrust because I do not allow myself to become equal to my mind within and as my companion thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the Word Shame with the thoughts: I Am Not Good Enough. I could have done more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Word Shame to trigger a pattern within and as me where I see myself negatively, have a physical pain reaction with which I invert into myself by suppressing it, smooth over my negative experience with neutral and positive affirmations, and then projecting the experience of myself on to others as a means to further separate myself from the Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from the Word Shame rather than embracing myself within and as Shame so that I am able to bring this piece of myself back to myself where I can take responsibility for the Word, see myself within and as the word, and give myself the opportunity to break myself from my trigger response to the Word so that I can self-correct myself and release myself from the pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject and flee from Shame because I have defined it as 'Bad'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word Shame to Bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, attach the Word Shame to anothers expression of anger and disappointment as they looked at me with a disgusted 'look' on their face and said, "You should be a-Shamed of yourself."  And when as the person that should be a-shamed, there was no way that I could see for myself fixing what I had done - it was permanent and could not be changed ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Shame as a point of acceptance for my actions and use it to tell myself I can not change, that it is fruitless to change and say within myself, "Why bother?"  Because it will not improve how another sees me.  I did not allow myself to change myself for myself within and as Shame - instead, I used it as an excuse or a backdoor out of my uncomfortable zone.

I forgive myself that I not accepted and allowed myself to see that I flee from Shame because I fear it - I fear being seen negatively - and specifically, I fear angering and disappointing others whom I see as greater than myself.  And because I did not see this, I did not see that Shame threatens my system of survival as I have become a People Pleaser to ensure my survival within the system.

When and as I see myself fleeing from myself within and as Shame, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that there is a point to be faced within myself as Shame that I must be self-honest and equal-to.  I breath, I slow myself, and I investigate my triggers for/of/as the experience of Shame and direct myself to to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit so that I can effectively free myself from the pattern.

I commit myself to stopping myself from fleeing from Shame and to instead embrace myself within and as Shame self-honestly with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment until I am no longer reacting to the Word Shame and thus triggering a pattern of separation from the experience of Shame.