Day 182: Impatience

 

 

 

 

I notice that I am being impatient with myself and attempting to project that impatience onto others where I imagine that others see me as dumb, behind, exasperating. From here, I say to myself 'so-and-so must be losing patience with me' and the I imagine them rolling their eyes, sighing, and shaking their head.

I do the very same thing - all the time. Rolling my eyes, shaking my head, and sighing. All displays of disapproval. And I am aware that I'm doing it. So, essentially, what I'm looking at here is self-disapproval where I am I unsatisfied with myself and I experience being trapped in that - like, there's no way out of it for me - like, it's actually physically impossible for me to improve my intelligence or my falling behind and/or not being up to par.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to place/project my impatience with myself onto others as something others are experiencing instead of seeing that it's in-fact me experiencing the impatience, not bringing the point back to self, and not allowing myself to see a point that I can take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as dumb, slow-minded/slow-moving and exasperating and from that experience the negative emotion of being sad and 'sorry' for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as dumb, slow-minded/slow moving and exasperating - I am being WAY too harsh with myself - I am bullying myself and using abusive words against myself that are unnecessary and serve no purpose other than to diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of others sighing, rolling their eyes and shaking their head to exist within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the physical action of me sighing, shaking my head, and rolling my eyes as a show of impatience, disapproval and/or exasperation to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disapprove of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up being unsatisfied with myself - and within this believing that I can never be anything else/more/better because of my genetics, my upbringing, my experiences and my education.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within all of these accumulated negative emotions that are triggered by the belief/imagination/fantasy/assumption of someone outside of me is probably being impatient with me and within this sees me as dumb, slow-minded, slow-moving, not up to par, and/or falling behind the game.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to STAND within the storm of emotions, breath, and release myself from my reactions, my emotions, and my mind-control with self-forgiveness.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, on a beingness level, shift, collapse, and/or hide in fear from my emotions because I do not like what I am seeing, I do not want to own up to what I'm seeing, and I do not want to take responsibility for what I am seeing.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and/or play the victim in the relationship that I have with my mind where, when I go into victimization, I curl up in a little ball - not stand, I turn myself away - not see, and I go into my Ego bubble of 'safe' imaginations and fantasies - not aware. 

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I allow self-victimization because it benefits me - where I use myself as the victim as an excuse and give myself the permission to not take responsibility for myself.  So, in relation to experiencing impatience with myself, I use the underlying negative emotional, thinking, and imaginary layers of being dumb, being slow-minded, being slow-moving, being exasperated, being sad, and disapproval to deliberately not stand, not face myself as my mind, allow fears to exist within and as me, and not take responsibility for me creation of myself.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel such an extensive amount of energy into maintaining my impatience and my self as a victim rather than defining what it means and what it will take for me to be PATIENT as a living word, and within this, stopping my pattern and the amount of energy required to keep my self-dishonest pattern going.

Day 144: ADD and ADHD - What's The Difference?

1. What is the difference between ADD and ADHD?

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is a general term frequently used to describe individuals that have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. The terms ADD and ADHD are often used interchangeably for both those who do and those who do not have symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsiveness. 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the official name used by the American Psychiatric Association, and it encompasses hyperactive, impulsive, and/or inattentive behaviors.

Problem

• ADD and ADHD are being clumped together.  When one does a search for ADD, the symptoms, causes, and treatments for ADHD will show up on the search.  ADD and ADHD are two totally different problems for different reasons that are not understood.  One has to dig to find scientific differentiation between the two disorders.
• What is not understood is that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms.  Yes, the symptoms are quite real - however, what is not understood is how the person actually developed ADD and ADHD and how the person uses these mind-developments as a means to tune out their environment.
• Medical and Psychological sciences have not yet made a connection between the factors within a child's physical environment - from womb, birth, and on - and the child's development of ADD or ADHD.  There is a common thread that the mother smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol during her pregnancy with the child as well as a genetic pattern.  The sciences are not looking beyond this point - they never have.  Being a person with ADD, this lack of interest of the medical and psychological sciences in the actual causes and potential cures for ADD and ADHD has been something that is frustrating and aggravating because there is no actual support - no one knows what the heck is going on or is putting 1+1 together as to WHY there are so many beings with ADD and ADHD today as compared to 20 years ago.
• Instead of getting the core of the problem and using resources to assist the human in curing this disorder, those with ADD and ADHD are given Cocaine-like drugs, suggestions for changing their choices of food, behavior modification therapy, and/or a pat on the back and told, 'Good luck!'  There are some homeopathic remedies which are supportive in re-building the structure of the brain which assists with person's learning - however, again, we are not looking at fixing the core-source-origin point of the problem as we're not putting 1+1 together.
• The healthcare system is giving ADD patients the identical medications, therapies, and suggestions for ADHD living which is a huge mistake. 

Solution

Utilize the scientific resources that we have to fully understand the problem with ADD and ADHD.  See, realize, and understand that medicating the symptoms of ADD and ADHD that make others uncomfortable is not going to make the problem go away and that it's most likely going to get worse - also within this, stop giving those with ADD drugs that are designed for ADHD as this is actually makes a person with ADD into a person with ADHD.  

As it is realized that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms used to 'tune out' the environment, we must re-educate the person to no longer tune out their environment and to instead find ways of taking responsibility for it and changing it. 

We utilize our Psychologists to be an actual support point for assisting others with ADD and ADHD with making the best decisions and showing ways that these decisions can be lived - and we continue to do this until the person establishes self-trust and shows the ability to make the best decisions over-and-over-again. 

Reward

Instead of having generations upon generations of humans medicated with Meth-Amphetamines and other reality-altering drugs to assist them in ignoring the problems that are here and having to continually live with the consequences of this within our world, we create a new human that takes responsibility for their family, their community, and their world and has the ability to make the best decisions.

We can relax because we've actually solved a problem instead of ignoring it - and within this, improved our world for ourselves, others, and future generations of others.

Establish trust with ourselves and others in our world - trust with ourselves that nothing is 'too much' to handle and trust with others that they can handle problems, make the best decisions, and live in a way that is best for everyone. 

Day 142: SMOKE BREAK!

 

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it.

Day 113: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 13

Why do I tell myself that I am fine?

Here I am writing Self-Correction from realizations within my process of reviewing my Journey To Life - Day 2.






When and as I see myself ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point that I am faced with because I have connected the point to being BAD/negative/wrong, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that if I do not stop, breath, face the point, and become equal-to what I do not like about myself and/or what exists within and as me, that my pattern of separating myself from my physical body, blankness, and searching for something GOOD within an experience/memory prevents me from ever actually changing my starting point of having a BAD experience - and within this, because I do not become equal-to and change my starting point, my pattern continues over-and-over-and-over again.  So, instead of ignoring, denying, rejecting, and/or polarizing a point, I re-direct myself to embrace the BAD/negative/wrong that exists within and as me and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from the reactions that I use as a trigger to separate, not take responsibility for, and to not change.

When and as I experience physical pain/uncomfortableness from memories/experiences, I do not suppress the pain and I do not hide within my mind where I can make myself numb.  I support myself within and as the pain with breathing and direct myself to investigate the what my thought was that triggered my GUILT and/or SHAME as I see, realize, and understand that in this moment I have an opportunity to change myself and my living so I embrace the moment, explore the connections, and push myself to get to my core/source/origin point.  Within this, I direct myself to assist and support myself with the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to realize myself, how I function and why I do what I do and thus work on a solution to change with the tools of self-correction and self-commitment.

When and as I see myself searching through my memories to find reasons/data/proof for why I am GOOD/positive/right, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that I am about to complete the cycle of not taking responsibility for myself as I am seeking out reasons, justifications, excuses and/or flat-out lies to ease myself from my negative experience of myself instead of changing myself so that I no longer have to tell myself that I'm not BAD and/or that any negativity does not exist within/withoutside of me.  Instead of making a cover-up story, I re-direct myself, again, to breath and go backwards through my mind process of WHY I saw myself as having to flee from the scene, WHY I judged myself so harshly, and WHY I needed to provide proof/come up with a story that I could show myself why I am not only innocent but also righteous.

I commit myself to facing the things/events/scenarios/experiences/memories that I tell myself are BAD/wrong, negative/unforgivable - to take responsibility for my mistakes and to vigilantly work on removing myself from my pattern of: thought/experience/memory -> shame/guilt/fear -> escape/separation -> excuses/reasoning/justification/lies/positive-affirmations that keeps me locked into my mind and my self-interest.  I commit myself to discovering my triggers that initiate my patterns/programmed responses.  I live up to these self-commitments to myself by breathing, slowing myself, going back-wards through my processes and using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see that I am connecting NOT speaking self-forgiveness out-loud to BAD, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I connect my behaviors or lack of certain behaviors to BAD, that I am setting myself up for failure as I will manifest a negative experience within/as my relationship with myself and my process.  Within this, when and as I see that I am connecting BAD to my behaviors or lack of behaviors, I re-direct myself to investigate the connections and then trace the origins of my programming as to WHY I have set myself up in this way and from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself laughing at myself for my reactions and telling myself that, "I am FINE!" and/or "There was no reason for me to experience myself in this way!", I stop and I see that it is too late and I have completed the cycle of my abdication of myself.  I breath, bring myself back to here, and re-trace the details of my pattern.  I investigate why/where I was not effective in my application and self-correct myself.

When and as I see that I am about to step into my I Am Curious Character as indicated by myself 'Not Knowing' for sure the outcome/answer and thus I begin considering ways that I could find out and/or prove something to myself and others WITHOUT considering the consequences which is additionally indicated by me moving really fast and becoming agitated by outside distractions, I STOP.  I breath.  I slow myself down.  I direct myself to sit and write PROS and CONS of the decision that I am considering making and following through with.  I am now aware of the amount of stress that I put on my physical body when I possess myself with this character as I bounce back and forth between 'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I should'-'I shouldn't'-'I SHOULD!' and that it requires several hours after the matter to get myself and my physical body stable again.  So within considering what is best for my self-development AND my physical body, I see, realize, and understand that writing out my decisions and moving in the direction that I find is best is absolutely required.
 
When and as I see myself reacting to and/or fleeing from the judgements that I have connected to the personalities that I have stored within me as memories, I stop!  I breath, slow down and study these personalities - why did I store/learn/program myself with these specific personalities and images?  Why do I keep these personalities within and as me even though I am not in-contact with most of them outside of my mind?  Why do I use these personalities to judge myself? Why do I use these personalities to hide from the negativity of myself?  How are these personalities influencing my decisions and my every day living? Why am I afraid that these people are 'going to get rid of me for good this time'? -- I see, realize, and understand that I have been running away from this judgmental group of dissonant personalities and pretending as though these are of no consequence because I don't like what they're saying. Instead of running, I re-direct myself to stand, face myself as my accusers, write them out, and self-forgive. 

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9

What are the consequences of allowing oneself to exist as a child within one's mind where one says, "I'm just a Kid At Heart.  I will never grow up ... " ??  Read here and find out.

For additional dimensions within the exploration of this topic, refer to:

Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5



The Problem: The consequences of my acting out my Just A Kid character are that I never gave myself the opportunity to stand - when things get tough I experience turmoil, I rely on others to take care of me, I need someone outside of myself to confirm my experiences as 'special', I look to others for praise and I battle inside of me with these things because I judge myself as a result of me separating myself from this and defining myself as a strong, secure, and stable person.

When the truth is, I have been arguing for my limitations all along.  As this, I can find an excuse for myself in every moment for me not standing, not living my self-commitments, not sticking to my decisions, not taking control of my living, and not changing.

The Solution: See, realize and understand that when I do not live a practical self-commitment that I am being dishonest with myself as I formulate excuses - and within this seeing, realizing, and understanding, I direct myself within these moments when I am arguing for my limitations to instead self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these excuses to exist within and as me and then re-direct myself to complete what I have set out to do and/or what must be done.

The Reward: I will see change in myself and my living as I will no longer be participating in a fight within myself and thus actually getting done for myself what I set out to do.  As I see that I can be trusted with what is important to me, I will establish self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of me acting out my Just A Kid character - I have created a life that is filled with chaos, mental and emotional turmoil, instability, and break-downs because I have continually, over-and-over again argued for my limitations as I tell myself that I Am Just A Kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see that me not standing is me not 'doing what I said I would do' within and as my re-definition of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require another outside of myself to confirm, feed, and comfort my limitations so that I can make them real and thus continue within the pattern and not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself negatively within Guilt for not living up to my self-commitments - instead of standing as myself within the commitments that I have made for myself and making self-directed decisions in breath, I compare myself to others, judge myself, and from here, become guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself positively within my Escapism and separation when and as I am within this guilt.  Instead of facing the guilt, I flee from it and within this, perpetuate consequences.

Next up: Self-Commitment Statements for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1 processes.