Day 182: Impatience

 

 

 

 

I notice that I am being impatient with myself and attempting to project that impatience onto others where I imagine that others see me as dumb, behind, exasperating. From here, I say to myself 'so-and-so must be losing patience with me' and the I imagine them rolling their eyes, sighing, and shaking their head.

I do the very same thing - all the time. Rolling my eyes, shaking my head, and sighing. All displays of disapproval. And I am aware that I'm doing it. So, essentially, what I'm looking at here is self-disapproval where I am I unsatisfied with myself and I experience being trapped in that - like, there's no way out of it for me - like, it's actually physically impossible for me to improve my intelligence or my falling behind and/or not being up to par.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be impatient with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to place/project my impatience with myself onto others as something others are experiencing instead of seeing that it's in-fact me experiencing the impatience, not bringing the point back to self, and not allowing myself to see a point that I can take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as dumb, slow-minded/slow-moving and exasperating and from that experience the negative emotion of being sad and 'sorry' for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as dumb, slow-minded/slow moving and exasperating - I am being WAY too harsh with myself - I am bullying myself and using abusive words against myself that are unnecessary and serve no purpose other than to diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought of others sighing, rolling their eyes and shaking their head to exist within and as me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the physical action of me sighing, shaking my head, and rolling my eyes as a show of impatience, disapproval and/or exasperation to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disapprove of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up being unsatisfied with myself - and within this believing that I can never be anything else/more/better because of my genetics, my upbringing, my experiences and my education.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be trapped within all of these accumulated negative emotions that are triggered by the belief/imagination/fantasy/assumption of someone outside of me is probably being impatient with me and within this sees me as dumb, slow-minded, slow-moving, not up to par, and/or falling behind the game.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to STAND within the storm of emotions, breath, and release myself from my reactions, my emotions, and my mind-control with self-forgiveness.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, on a beingness level, shift, collapse, and/or hide in fear from my emotions because I do not like what I am seeing, I do not want to own up to what I'm seeing, and I do not want to take responsibility for what I am seeing.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become and/or play the victim in the relationship that I have with my mind where, when I go into victimization, I curl up in a little ball - not stand, I turn myself away - not see, and I go into my Ego bubble of 'safe' imaginations and fantasies - not aware. 

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I allow self-victimization because it benefits me - where I use myself as the victim as an excuse and give myself the permission to not take responsibility for myself.  So, in relation to experiencing impatience with myself, I use the underlying negative emotional, thinking, and imaginary layers of being dumb, being slow-minded, being slow-moving, being exasperated, being sad, and disapproval to deliberately not stand, not face myself as my mind, allow fears to exist within and as me, and not take responsibility for me creation of myself.  

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel such an extensive amount of energy into maintaining my impatience and my self as a victim rather than defining what it means and what it will take for me to be PATIENT as a living word, and within this, stopping my pattern and the amount of energy required to keep my self-dishonest pattern going.