Day 142: SMOKE BREAK!

 

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why.