Day 151: Fear Is Useless

While communicating with another, I saw that a fear of not being good enough emerged as a thought where I told myself that I am not educated to the level required to be equal to another.  What I was doing here is comparing myself to another and then judging myself as less than because there was a point that I simply was not familiar with.  This shows me that my starting point was dishonest because I did not approach the communication as a discussion but rather from a point of competition and proving that I am right - so, when I saw that I may not be right, this created instability within and as me where I go through the information and knowledge that I have stored as evidence that I can present to prove my position so that I do not have to face the fact that I do not have all of the understanding required, that I was missing parts that needed to be researched, and that I would actually have to put in the effort to do the research in order for the communication to continue moving.

Instead of seeing the simplicity in the experience as, "here is what I must research next", I went into my mind and made this much more difficult than is necessary where I make all sorts of assumptions, justifications, arguments, plans for ways in which I do not have to change, and all sorts of distracting inner-dialogue.

More and more I see how absolutely useless fear is other than showing me what I have accepted and allowed.  Allowing myself to exist in fear and get caught up in it with the consequences of this allowance is one of the worst uses of my time that I can see.  At the end of the day, it changes nothing - I am still here, I am still breathing, and I still have this point to direct.  Just because I found every reason I could possibly come up with for myself to not have to face the fear does not mean that the fear magically disappears!  No, it is still here and if I do not sort it out, it will continue to accumulate and influence me.

Additionally, I see that I can later use this fear as a reason to self-sabotage and back out of my objective to be a part of creating a world where every child born has a life worth living - which will most likely set me back and set me up to become angry at myself for not acting when I had the opportunity to do so.

As I have written this, it is interesting to see how I have completely inflated something simple with fear, competition, comparison, judgment, reactions, justifications, projection, assumptions, and resistance to change.  It is clear how important the process of writing is where I take something from the instability of my mind and bring it here to the physical world of stability where I can actually direct something and change it.




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• Why does No one seem to Understand me?
  
• Death Research – Burning Alive - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Love
  
• Drowning - Death Research - Part 1
• Heart Attack Death Research - Part 1
  
• Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race - Part 5
• The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Image and Imagination …
  
• 2013 - The Future of Consciousness - Seeing Dark Shapes/Figures
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• Kryon - My Existential History - Part 5+6
• Demons in the Afterlife - Part 1
  
• Psychic Animals - The Sheep - Part 1
• The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 5
  
• The Crucifixion of Jesus - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• What is Sex? Overview
• My Life as a Peace Activist
  
• The Spirituality of the Snail
• Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
  
• How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
  
• What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• Quantum Mind Self AwarenessStep 1 and Step 2
  
• 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• Quantum Systemization – Preview
• Life Review - The Buddha Experience
  
• Spirituality and Rebirth
• Self Awareness steps for the Elite - Introduction
  
• Life Review - My life of Co-Dependency
• Atlanteans - The Beginning - Part 1
  
• The Secret History of the Universe - The Creation of Energy - Part 4
• Life Review – My Life of Sin
  
• Life Review - Educated into a Sex-Slave
• Shocking Secrets of Masturbation - Programming Relationships through
  
• How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message
• Reptilians - Am I God - Part 3
  

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Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 137: Adderall or Life?

In the next several blogs I will be sharing the process I've walked with Adderall and some perspective, realizations, and research that I have found in relation to ADD and ADHD.

Adderall is a drug that is prescribed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Narcolepsy.  I was able to get a prescription for this drug because I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) by a Psychologist.

What IS Adderall?

Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine Mixed Salts or simply Amphetamine Salts sold under the brand name Adderall.


When I took Adderall, I experienced alertness, sociability, happiness, irritability, a significant weight loss, a rush of relief and a general feeling of being able to make it through my day and be okay.

The Problem of Adderall

I decided to stop taking Adderall for many reasons with the most important being that the drug was not supportive for my physical body and there was an increased risk of speeding the aging process and developing Parkinsons disease later in life.  When I made my decision, I was at a point in my process where I saw that it was time for me to choose whether or not I was going to use my time here to the best of my physical and mental ability and whether I would be a part of Life or not.  I chose to be here for as long as possible and to not speed up the process of death so that I could be a part of the change for a New World. Additionally, I had become addicted to the drug as I had convinced myself that I could not function normally in the world without it.

The Solution

I took 1-2 pills per day on-and-off for about 3 years.  After I had made my decision and my bottle of pills was low, I began taking 1/2 of a pill twice a day and then 1/2 to 1/4 once per day until the bottle was empty.  I did not call in to have my prescription re-filled.  It was within this time that I began assisting and supporting myself with writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.  I also was given full support as well as an education about Addiction via my Desteni I Process lessons.  When and as other points related to desiring Adderall emerge, I get support, I work on my self-realization process, I refine my self-correction, and I apply myself.

The Reward

Because I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on the drug or tell myself that I require the drug to survive in this world, I no longer make excuses, justifications and reasons for my continued use of a substance that is harmful to my physical and mental health.  This self-limitation is being removed.  I no longer experience the side-effect of irritability with myself because I made a self-honest decision that was best for myself and who I would like to be.  I am no longer taking a chemical that makes everything feel good or that fixes what I see as problems - instead, I am facing the points that come up and supporting myself with investigation, asking questions, testing answers, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.



In the following posts, I will be sharing what's been walked so far.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why. 

Day 134: What Are Ghosts? Are Ghosts Real?

For the past few weeks I have been writing in a parenting blog about the process of developing anger prevention within my living.  I will be continuing with the dimensions of the Helpless Victim Character here shortly.  For the moment, I'm taking a break from both writings to write about The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 3 which can be purchased at Eqafe.

This interview was sent to me as a gift today which was quite cool because I've had a lot of questions about the existence of ghosts, poltergeists, spirits, and other beings 'beyond the veil'.  And it was extremely supportive for my understanding of my many experiences with these beings throughout my life as it answered how these beings got here, why many of them were trapped, how/why they could be seen, what they were attempting to communicate, and how us humans in the physical world could have better assisted and supported them.

As I mentioned, ghosts, poltergeists, and spirits have been a point that I have been faced with for most of my existence here.  These experiences began when I was 7 years old and continued to intensify as I got older.  I have several spine-tingling ghost stories that I have enjoyed sharing with others through the years and within these, I often share the experiences of others who were there to witness what I had.  It was a wild ride - and in truth, I existed in absolute terror because I never knew what was going to happen each night nor how frighteningly insane it was going to be.  Also, because these experiences not only happened when I was alone but when others were around as well, I saw myself as helpless, unsafe, and vulnerable to unseen attacks that could lead to my death.

For the longest time, I was driven to find the answers to why I experienced these paranormal events, what these beings actually were, why they were here, and why they were in some places but not in others.  Within my search for answers, I would submerge myself in books about the subject and shows like Ghost Hunters and Celebrity Ghost Stories in an attempt to understand and to identify with others who had similar experiences to mine.  However, this never assisted me in understanding what was really going on, what the problem was, and how to actually direct the problem because the only 'answer' given was to get the being 'into the light'.  How could I get the being into 'the light' if I could not see 'the light' - which, apparently, the gift of 'seeing the light' is a gift that only a select few have.

So, it's really a shame that I allowed myself to react with such intense fear and traumatized myself with this fear instead of breathing, investigating, and seeing my responsibility within the creation of these beings so that I could have directed the point and taken the opportunity to assist and support other beings rather than trying to run from them or looking for ways to evacuate them from my living space.  

In the end, this interview assisted me in realizing why it is best to not be afraid of or ignore the things in my world that I see as  beyond my capacity to understand or do anything about.  It's pointless, really, because I'm going to have to face what I've accepted and allowed in one way or another and I'd rather face the consequence and apply practical solutions now instead of allowing the problems to accumulate to the point of no return.