Day 153: The Writing Ho-Hums

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a great amount of resistance to writing.  I have been experiencing 'blankness' where I would usually have something to write about at all times.  Many of the points that emerge throughout my day are either being directed or have easy, practical solutions.  For the other points, I tell myself that it may not be best to share and that it would be better for everyone if I walked these points in private.

In general, I have not been motivated to push myself.  Like the wind is out my sails.  I did not realize until recently how much I have relied on others to keep me motivated - and now I see just how much I have been relying on others to do this for me when that outside motivational support is no longer here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance to writing.  I accepted my 'blankness' and/or told myself that it would 'go away' and that I would be back to myself with topics to write about again.  I thought that I needed a break - that, maybe if I took a breather that I would soon have many things to write out and about.  So, the days passed and nothing changed - I did not have any 'pressing' points emerge that I felt a desire to write about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go deeper into my process of understanding myself because of fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear that I'm not directing 'new' points effectively, and fear that the things that I would like to write about will cause backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself as hard as I was pushing before because my relationships and daily living have become very stable where I am now able to support my family and others in a way that is best and I'm self-supporting myself with practical, common sense solutions.  I have been so accustomed to everything being a shit-storm during my existence and using this as my only point of self-motivation that when and as there is no longer uncontrollable chaos and turmoil in my immediate world, I see no reason to have to change anything else.  If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it', right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the fear of not being liked or causing problems/discomfort with others instead of not allowing this fear to influence me and to continue writing regardless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my desire to keep the darker stuff about myself private is in-fact me not wanting to expose this stuff to myself.  Why open up a can of worms when I've finally gotten some relief?

Day 151: Fear Is Useless

While communicating with another, I saw that a fear of not being good enough emerged as a thought where I told myself that I am not educated to the level required to be equal to another.  What I was doing here is comparing myself to another and then judging myself as less than because there was a point that I simply was not familiar with.  This shows me that my starting point was dishonest because I did not approach the communication as a discussion but rather from a point of competition and proving that I am right - so, when I saw that I may not be right, this created instability within and as me where I go through the information and knowledge that I have stored as evidence that I can present to prove my position so that I do not have to face the fact that I do not have all of the understanding required, that I was missing parts that needed to be researched, and that I would actually have to put in the effort to do the research in order for the communication to continue moving.

Instead of seeing the simplicity in the experience as, "here is what I must research next", I went into my mind and made this much more difficult than is necessary where I make all sorts of assumptions, justifications, arguments, plans for ways in which I do not have to change, and all sorts of distracting inner-dialogue.

More and more I see how absolutely useless fear is other than showing me what I have accepted and allowed.  Allowing myself to exist in fear and get caught up in it with the consequences of this allowance is one of the worst uses of my time that I can see.  At the end of the day, it changes nothing - I am still here, I am still breathing, and I still have this point to direct.  Just because I found every reason I could possibly come up with for myself to not have to face the fear does not mean that the fear magically disappears!  No, it is still here and if I do not sort it out, it will continue to accumulate and influence me.

Additionally, I see that I can later use this fear as a reason to self-sabotage and back out of my objective to be a part of creating a world where every child born has a life worth living - which will most likely set me back and set me up to become angry at myself for not acting when I had the opportunity to do so.

As I have written this, it is interesting to see how I have completely inflated something simple with fear, competition, comparison, judgment, reactions, justifications, projection, assumptions, and resistance to change.  It is clear how important the process of writing is where I take something from the instability of my mind and bring it here to the physical world of stability where I can actually direct something and change it.




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• Why does No one seem to Understand me?
  
• Death Research – Burning Alive - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Love
  
• Drowning - Death Research - Part 1
• Heart Attack Death Research - Part 1
  
• Parenting - Perfecting the Human Race - Part 5
• The Metaphysical Secrets of Imagination - Self Image and Imagination …
  
• 2013 - The Future of Consciousness - Seeing Dark Shapes/Figures
• Relationship Success Support - Intimacy Personality - Part 3
  
• Kryon - My Existential History - Part 5+6
• Demons in the Afterlife - Part 1
  
• Psychic Animals - The Sheep - Part 1
• The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 5
  
• The Crucifixion of Jesus - Part 1
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• What is Sex? Overview
• My Life as a Peace Activist
  
• The Spirituality of the Snail
• Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
  
• How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
• What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
  
• What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
• Quantum Mind Self AwarenessStep 1 and Step 2
  
• 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
• Relationship Success Support – Introduction
  
• Quantum Systemization – Preview
• Life Review - The Buddha Experience
  
• Spirituality and Rebirth
• Self Awareness steps for the Elite - Introduction
  
• Life Review - My life of Co-Dependency
• Atlanteans - The Beginning - Part 1
  
• The Secret History of the Universe - The Creation of Energy - Part 4
• Life Review – My Life of Sin
  
• Life Review - Educated into a Sex-Slave
• Shocking Secrets of Masturbation - Programming Relationships through
  
• How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message
• Reptilians - Am I God - Part 3
  

Music

• Ode to our Children
  
• I Finally Understand...
• Hell Spoof
• Viktor Persson - One Man One Vote
  
• Viktor Persson - Looking for More
• Himno del 2012
• Joao Jesus - The Message - What You Gonna Do Now

Day 141: Is ADD Real?

 

Is ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) Real?

Yes. ADD is a real, actual physical experience of limitation. In 1982, I became aware that 'something was missing' when learning fractions in the 4th grade and I could physically feel that my brain was not making the connections required to comprehend the material. In addition to not being able to make connections, I also had other behavioral issues such as: being 'off in the clouds', being disruptive at home and in-class, being 'out-of-control', impulsive, and aggressive. When I was a child, Psychologists had not yet started diagnosing anyone with ADD - in-fact, I was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old. So as I was growing up and being educated, the adults in my world were frustrated and so I was almost always in some sort of trouble. I was the kid in school who was often sent out of the classroom and made to sit in the hallway.

Unfortunately, my learning process was difficult to understand as those in my immediate environment were fast learners that excelled in school. And to make matters worse, my report cards often said something similar to: Carrie is intelligent and she could do so much better if she would apply herself.

I'm certain there are many that can relate to the report card.

Anyway, in my next blog I'll be going into the different therapies that I tried throughout the years as well as their effectiveness. And after that, showing how the way that I manage my living did not change until I began studying Eqafe learning materials, working on the Desteni 'I' Process courses, and participating with a group that is taking responsibility for themselves.

Relative Power Z-Score Maps from Quantitative Electroencephalography (QEEG)

Differences in activity in normal and ADD children
The brain maps on the left (1&2) are of normal individuals: a 14 year old female and 9 year old male. The ones on the right (3&4) are ADD individuals: a different 14 year old female and a different 9 year old male. Notice how the two ADD individuals (3&4) demonstrate high (more red) Theta and Alpha activity in their maps than do the normal individuals, respectively. High Theta wave activity is generally associated with drowsiness; High Alpha activity is generally associated with idleness. The ADD results (3&4) are characteristic of states of non-attentiveness, and too little stimulation of the reticular activating system, and probable inadequate number of connections. Thus the ADD/LD child can effectively "tune-out" his/her environment. In contrast, the normal children's results of low Alpha and Theta wave activity (1&2) are characteristic of alertness and focused attentiveness, demonstrating adequate stimulation of the reticular activating system, and thus, an adequate number of neural connections.

 (http://www.drugfreeadd.com/default/index.cfm/our-programs/add-adhd/medical-evidence/)

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why.