Day 195: Evil Forces - Fear Vs. Caution

In this blog I'm going into how I have been living the Word Force in response to my thoughts, imaginations, reactions and fears in relation to the Word and then taking responsibility and standing equal-to what I have blindly accepted as the meanings/definitions of the Word Force with self-forgiveness as to assist and support myself to no longer be influenced by the thoughts, imaginations, reactions, and fears that come up when or as I see, here, or speak the Word Force.

In a previous blog, I researched the dictionary and etymological definitions for the Word Force and found the good, the bad, and the ugly definitions and meanings that have been connected to Force and saw how I have allowed myself to be moved and changed by the Word Force depending on the situation, event, and/or context in which the word has been used and the energetic reaction - either positive, neutral, or negative - that I have connected to the specific situation, event, and/or context via actual, observed, shared and/or imagined experiences in the past.

So here I will begin self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment for how I am currently living the word Force in a NEGATIVE way.  I will be using my writings in the previous blog, Day 194: The Force - The Good, The Bad, The Downright Ugly as reference for this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Force is good, that Force is bad, and that Force is downright ugly, depending on the situation in which Force is used.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that, in regards to Force, and all of the definitions and meanings that are attached to it, that I haven't experienced the word negatively unless it impacts me specifically in a negative way somehow - by going against my ideas, my beliefs, and my morality.

And within this,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I have a negative experience with the word Force, to separate myself from what I'm seeing and hearing, to judge, and then to justify my negative experiences as well as the negative experiences and situations with others and the external environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where myself and others can forced to do things that are not best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where myself and others are forced against our will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where military, police, and other groups with weapons have authority to exert force upon myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where individuals and groups are allowed to conquer other individuals and groups with violent force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where myself and others are allowed to be hurt, assaulted, molested, raped, abused, and killed by force.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Force within the context of being forced to do things that are not best, forced to do things that are against my will and within this, being stuck. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my imagination where, in my  mind I play-out memories and or scenes of myself and others being harmed and/or killed by military, police, rapists, conflict, wars, and all sorts of weapons including those of 'mass destruction'.

I forgive myself that, as a child, I had accepted and allowed Force as being forced to do things that aren't best and/or being forced to do things against my will.  I realize that as a child I did not have any say in the matter and that I actually was physically forced to do things by persons of authority.  However, when I was old enough to be on my own, I did not question this authority and did not allow myself the opportunity to set myself free from it.  Further, I see where I have perpetuated this idea of Force by forcing myself, my will, and my authority onto others.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word Force as me exerting myself onto others to get a desired result.  And further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for how I have been living Force and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from how I am living Force instead of changing.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow a world where myself and others can be forced to do things that aren't not best.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow a world where myself and others are forced against our will.

And within this, I commit myself to no longer accept and allow a world where military, police, and other psychotic individuals and groups have the authority to exert force upon myself and others.  So thus I commit myself to no longer accept and allow a world where myself and others are allowed to be hurt, assaulted, molested, raped, and killed by force.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow myself to ignore, deny or separate myself from how Force is being lived out by myself, others, and this world in an abusive way.  And I commit myself to educate myself and then to show others how force is being lived out in an unacceptable way.

I commit myself to no longer accept and allow any psychopaths - those that deliberately exert abuse onto others for power and control - to have authority by committing myself to no longer allowing myself to separate myself from these beings, to understanding them, and to standing equal-to them.  Here, I commit myself to take responsibility for the creation of these individuals and groups by seeing where and how they exist within and as me - as above, so below, as within, so without - and as I see them as me and me as them, I care for them as I would care for myself where I use the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment as well as using the structure of Problem, Solution, Reward.

When and as I see that I am going into fear or have gone into fear in regards to the real physical and real scary forces that exist within this world, I stop and I breath.  I realize that when I have allowed fear of force, that this fear has moved and influenced me - and as this fear, I react and do not make decisions that are best because I am not seeing clearly.  So seeing all of this, I realize that fear of force and being cautious of force are not the same - fear moves me and being cautious is a self-directed action of common sense.  That being understood, I commit myself to longer allowing myself to go into and/or be moved by fear of force and I commit myself to be cautious with force.

When and as I see that I am considering using force in an unacceptable way by attempting to coerce, manipulate, threaten and/or exert my self/my will onto others and the external world as a means to see my desired result, I stop and I breath.  I realize that I must take responsibility for myself before I can expect that others/the world, can take responsibility - and that as I have solutions that I can share solutions.  So, I commit myself to test out ways of directing myself, others, and my external environment - from the starting point of caring and what is best - and allow myself to change my way of doing things.  And within this, I commit myself to no longer using the illusion of authority, scare tactics using my physical presence and possessions, threatening, or any other harmful or abusive form of Force.

Day 194: Force - The Good, The Bad, The Downright Ugly

Again, I am looking at the Word Force and this time adding an expanded dictionary definition as well as an etymological definition.

1. strength or energy as an attribute of physical action or movement.
   "he was thrown backward by the force of the explosion"
   

   synonyms:

   strength, power, energy, might, effort, exertion;

   antonyms:

   weakness

   • PHYSICS
     an influence tending to change the motion of a body or produce motion or stress in a stationary body. The magnitude of such an influence is often calculated by multiplying the mass of the body by its acceleration.
     
   • a person or thing regarded as exerting power or influence.
     plural noun: forces
     "he might still be a force for peace and unity"
     

     synonyms:

     agency, power, influence, instrument, vehicle, means "a force for good"

   • used with a number as a measure of wind strength on the Beaufort scale.
     "a force-nine gale"
     
2. coercion or compulsion, especially with the use or threat of violence.
   "they ruled by law and not by force"
   

   synonyms:

   coercion, compulsion, constraint, duress, oppression, harassment,intimidation, threats;

3. mental or moral strength or power.
   "the force of popular opinion"
   
   • the state of being in effect or valid.
     "the law came into force in January"
     

     synonyms:

     effective, in operation, operative, operational, in action, valid "the law is now in force"

   • the powerful effect of something.
     "the force of her writing is undiminished"
     

     synonyms:

     cogency, potency, weight, effectiveness, soundness, validity,strength, power, significance, influence, authority;

     antonyms:

     weakness

4. an organized body of military personnel or police.
   "a soldier in a UN peacekeeping force"
   

   synonyms:

   body, body of people, group, outfit, party, team;

   • troops and weaponry.
     plural noun: forces
     "concealment from enemy forces"
     
   • a group of people brought together and organized for a particular activity.
     "a sales force"
     
   • informal
     a police department.
     noun: the force
     
5. BASEBALL
   a force-out.
   
   • a situation in which a force-out is possible.
     

verb
verb: force; 3rd person present: forces; past tense: forced; past participle: forced; gerund or present participle: forcing

1. make a way through or into by physical strength; break open by force.
   "they broke into Fred's house and forced every cupboard door with ax or crowbar"
   

   synonyms:

   break open, burst open, knock down, smash down, kick in "the door had to be forced"

   • drive or push into a specified position or state using physical strength or against resistance.
     "she forced her feet into flat leather sandals"
     

     synonyms:

     propel, push, thrust, shove, drive, press, pump "water was forced through a hole"

   • achieve or bring about (something) by coercion or effort.
     "Sabine forced a smile"
     
   • push or strain (something) to the utmost.
     "she knew if she forced it she would rip it"
     
   • artificially hasten the development or maturity of (a plant).
     

     synonyms:

     extract, elicit, exact, extort, wrest, wring, drag, screw, squeeze "they forced a confession out of the kids"

2. make (someone) do something against their will.
   "she was forced into early retirement"
   

   synonyms:

   compel, coerce, make, constrain, oblige, impel, drive, pressurize,pressure, press, push, press-gang, bully, dragoon, bludgeon;

   • rape (a woman).
     
   • BASEBALL
     put out (a runner), or cause (a runner) to be put out, at the base to which they are advancing when they are forced to run on a batted ball.
     "I was forced at second base as the first half of a double play"
     
   • (in cards) make a play or bid that compels another player to make (a particular response); make a play or bid that compels (another player) to make such a response.
     "East could force declarer to ruff another spade"
     

Origin
Middle English: from Old French force (noun), forcer (verb), based on Latin fortis ‘strong.’

Etymological Dictionary Definition 

force (n.) 

c.1300, "physical strength," from Old French force (12c.) "force, strength, courage, fortitude; violence, power, compulsion," from Vulgar Latin *fortia (source also of Spanish fuerza, Italian forza), noun use of neuter plural of Latin fortis "strong" (see fort). Meaning "body of armed men, army" first recorded late 14c. (also in Old French). Physics sense is from 1660s; force field attested by 1920.

force (v.) 

c.1300, from Old French forcier "conquer by violence," from force (see force (n.)). Its earliest sense in English was "to ravish" (a woman); sense of "to compel, oblige" to do something is from c.1400. Related: Forced; forcing. 

As I wrote out in a previous blog, I have been living the Word Force as though there has been a stronger power than me, outside of me, making me do things regardless of whether I want to do them or not.  With the process of writing and self-forgiveness in regards to Force, I have realized that there is no force outside of myself that is making me do anything.  I mean, even if someone was holding a gun to my head in an attempt to force me, in the end, it would still be my decision of whether I would do something or not.  And from a physics stand-point, someone or something can physically move me depending on the mass and strength of the force.

In reality though, there is no one individual or outside force that is physically motivating me to do anything and it's clear that the Word Force is a word that I have been living out in my mind and not in real physical time. 

I am also adding that I have been seeing the Word Force as mostly as a negative word and when it comes up, I experience fear and then go right into resistance and avoidance. When looking at the definitions it is clear why because I have attached the word Force to things that I fear like: Rape, Violence, Physical Pain, Negative Military and Police Activities, Breaking, Coercion, and overall manifesting something into existence that is not best where there is no choice in matter. Another point that I would like to investigate is how, when I have said or thought about the Word Force, that I have had this strong physical presence that quickly rises within me like an in-breath where I have a body experience of becoming focused, solid, and determined in a way that pushes outward in to my external environment.  And finally, I see that there aspects of the Word Force that I like or that give me a positive experience - specifically in-relation to Force as Strength where when I see Force in the light of Strength, I experience a happiness, a hopefulness, a sort of relief or a sense of momentary freedom from all the the negativity that I have attached to the Word Force.

So in the next post I will be going into writing self-forgiveness for what's coming up for thoughts, imaginations, beliefs, reactions, fears, and behaviors in relation to the Word Force. Followed by writing out my plan for self-correction and self-commitment within no longer allowing myself to be influenced or moved by this word as something outside of me or separate from me. Then, I will share my living definition of the word which is how I will be living out the word via my physical movement and self-directed action, equal and one with the word.   

Day 189: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 1

When I began walking my process a few years ago, my starting point was that I did not have a choice - I saw that I must start writing and must start saying self-forgiveness -- or else.  I see that I have participated in a fear that I won't exist after death and participated in the fear that in one moment, I will be gone forever.  So, in my mind I see that I have been allowing this hope, faith, and belief that somehow (and I'm not exactly sure how) this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, taking responsibility, and creating myself as life will save me from the fate of being gone for eternity.

I remember being angry that I had to do this and I placed blame on the others that had walked this process before me and said, "Who are THEY to decide what will be become of me?"  As if, those that have gone before me were the new Gods or gatekeepers of after death existence and would be deciding whether or not I would be allowed to continue depending on my ability to no longer be The Mind, to take responsibility for myself, others, and all that is here, and to place myself  in a role that would assist with bringing about a world that is best.

Currently, I sometimes find that I have also gone into the fear of not making process because I see that I have been fearing not knowing what will be become of me if I don't get this in the one life that I have.  Now, what I see comes up the most often from this fearing is comparison where I have been comparing others processes to my own - what I am doing, what they are doing, what I am not doing, and what they are not doing.  I have said to myself, "Well, if that's as far as they have come, then I am good," or, "oh no, they are pulling ahead of me ... I'm falling behind ..."  I realize that belief I've had about my process is the same belief that I have participated in in-regards to my external world where I have seen life as a competition (and not in a cool way) where I am either the winner or the loser, survival of the fittest, and everyone is replaceable.  It is the same judgments that I have repeated over-and-over-again where I see myself as either good/bad/right/wrong in my mind - and with these judgments I have participated in the same positive and negative energetic reactions depending on whether or not I have seen myself as doing something good or bad and right or wrong.

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now.

Even though my starting point was from fear and I used that point to limit myself to not make process a part of my everyday living, I realize that I can now let that fear go and move on to changing my starting point to a point of daily self-support where I'm no longer waiting for or relying on my external environment to force me to do the things that I must do in my process and instead commit myself to this lifelong process that I have decided for myself and move myself day-to-day and breath-to-breath to do it because the reality is that this process has already improved my quality of living greatly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my decision to walk my process is not my choice.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice but to write, speak/write self-forgiveness, self-correct myself, and make self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, believe, and hope that self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and taking responsibility for myself and others will somehow save me from death or if that's not possible, at the very least, save me from not existing in the after-life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see how it's me and myself as the mind that fears dying and not existing - not me as a physical being.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that it has been my mind walking my process and not me as a physical being.  So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to walk my process for me without question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for me allowing my mind to walk my process for me and within this, for allowing myself to align myself and go into agreement with my mind in relation to process.  I see that I have been making this mistake for the simple reason that it is easier and now that I see my mistake and I see that it is the same pattern that I have been repeating with other points in my process, I see that I can physically apply myself to change this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those that have walked this process before me.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame them for my life changing in one moment - where, because of the information that was shared and with the honesty in which it was shared, I could no longer exist in a fantasy world and would now have to work on myself, sort myself out, stand up, and take responsibility for myself and the others immediately around me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand up from my initial shock in process and take responsibility for my own decision to start walking this process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine and believe that others have the power to decide what will become of me after death.  And because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others as an authority of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, replace one God with another - over-and-over-again in an attempt to place my hope, faith, belief, and trust in another to decide the best fate for me instead of trusting in myself to create my own destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point with walking my process to be fear.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself as a response to that fear rather than moving myself because it's best for me, because I value myself, because I want to do this for myself and because I see potential in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't make process.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will become of me if I don't make process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a starting point of fear, compare my process to others' processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better or worse about myself depending on how I judge myself in relation to other's processes.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive or negative thoughts, behaviors, and energetic experiences depending on whether I see myself as 'in the clear' or 'falling behind'.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to tell myself that it is not my choice to walk process by when and as I see myself telling myself that my decision to walk process was not my choice, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I and I alone made this decision to walk THIS specific process as prior to finding this solution, I found no other way to sort through myself and make changes.

I commit myself to no longer allow the belief that I have no choice but to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment by when and as I see myself considering this belief, I stop and breath.  I realize that I have separated myself from my choice when I have automatically made that choice something that's being forced on me from an outside source.  I remind myself that I am the one that has given myself no choice but to do this process for myself and that me choosing this for myself was actually quite a cool thing for me to do for myself.  So, within this, I commit myself to no longer use my choice to participate in process as a point of separation and instead see this decision to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment as a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to no longer allow my mind to walk my process for me and I commit myself apply myself in my process with daily physical movement.  And when and as I see myself not physically applying myself within my process in a day, I stop and breath.  I question my starting point for not moving myself to support myself and I self-forgive and self-correct excuses, justifications, reasons, beliefs and resistances for why I have not moved myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to go into judgement when I make the mistake of allowing my mind to direct my process by reminding myself that I am creating a new way of doing things for myself and that this takes time to integrate - so instead of wasting that time on judgement, I simply continue on as per my self-commitment and continue to forge ahead within my process.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to become, suppress, and/or direct blame and anger at anyone outside of myself for my 'life' changing in one moment.  When and as I see the blame and anger coming up in-relation to my participation in process, I stop and breath.  I bring these points of blame and anger back to myself and see where I have not been communicating with myself, where I have been self-dishonest, and where I am not taking responsibility for my process. Within this, I remind myself that I was the one that started asking questions about existence, I was the one that started researching, and I was the one that found the answers to my questions - there was no force outside of myself that pushed me to do this.


Within this agreement with myself, I commit myself to stand up from my initial shock in process, let it go, put my big girl boots on and move on.

I commit myself to removing my imaginations and beliefs about death, the afterlife, and what will become of me when my physical body dies. And within this process, I commit myself to removing my imaginations about a being - here or in the hereafter - that has the authority to determine who/what/where I will be and when and as this imagination comes up, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I am the one that decides who/what/where I am here and within the principle of 'as above, so below', I will be the one to decide who/what/where I am in the hereafter.  I commit myself to take back my authority and show myself that I can be trusted to make these decisions for myself by physically applying myself to do what is required to be done in my process.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself in process to others in their processes in an energetic way by when and as I see that I am comparing myself in process to where others are in their processes, I stop and breath.  Instead of going into judgement, I observe others processes and look for points that I can apply to my own process or where I can potentially support another within their process when seeing a point that I have walked.

Day 186: It's Not MY Decision

In this blog I am continuing with the belief that my external world has authority over me and why I have accepted and allowed this authority.  From the previous day, Day 185: Proving Myself to the World, I am working with the following writing:

"In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my external world has authority over me where I created this belief that the external world - my environment and the beings in it - decide who, what and where I am in the system, regardless of my consent.

I forgive myself that have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because of this belief that my external world has authority over me, I am deliberately abdicating my ability to direct who, what, and where I am in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my external world - the environment and the people in it - to always direct me - to tell me who to be, where to be, and what I could be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own and put in the time, the research, and the actual physical footwork to explore and expand my potential where I actually consider, put into physical action, and move myself to bring about what it is that would give me the greatest satisfaction with myself and the one life here on Earth that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy road - the road most traveled, the road most worn down, and the road that I can go into automation on and simply follow the other traffic - because I know this road, it's my comfort zone, it's predictable, it takes very little effort if any effort at all to navigate and when the traffic I'm following makes a mistake, I can blame the traffic, those that have traveled before me, or the one leading at the front of the traffic, for making my travel experience inconvenient or problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and force others to make decisions for me and within this, expect that they make my life satisfactory and enjoyable for me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I deliberately place my external world and the beings within it as an authority over me so that I do not have to do the work required to be my own authority nor do I have to take responsibility when something goes wrong, when something unexpected comes up, or I don't like the result of a decision or event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external world and the beings in it when and as something comes up that I don't like - just because I wasn't a part of deciding or directing how something would go.  I say, "I would have done it this way ..." or "It should have gone this way ..." and say that it is 'their fault'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question: Why have I done nothing?

I mean, if the beings and things happening in my external world are 'so wrong, so irresponsible, and so uncaring', why do I give any part of it authority over me?  Why would I NOT stand up, make a decision, commit myself to it, and create my own life for myself?

The bottom line: I have been lazy and I have not only programmed that laziness into me but I have also deliberately made the decision to continue to be lazy despite the MANY opportunities to change my ways because it's easy, it's safe, and it's the neutral zone.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have given something or someone authority over me - as having the ability to direct, move, and change me without my consent - I stop, breath, and remind myself that I have actually given my full consent by my acceptance of external authority and my denial of self-responsibility, self-movement, and self-direction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am expecting or attempt to force others to make a decision for me so that I do not have to, I stop, I breath, and I use the tools that I have available for making practical, common sense decisions for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see something happening that I don't like or don't agree with and within this, trying to place blame on others because I was not a part of the decision process that lead to the event, I stop, breath, and ask myself, "Why have I done nothing to change this? What are some possible solutions if this were to come up again?"

I commit myself to STOP being lazy by not waiting for opportunities to come my way but to instead step out of my comfort zone and stop always taking the road most traveled.  I commit myself to allow myself to explore the world and see what I can do and to STOP limiting myself because I'm so set in my lazy ways.

I will continue next with how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and the physical abilities that have developed.

Day 162: Allowing Myself To Get To Know 'New People'

Part Two of self-correction and self-commitment for Day 157: The Rock Star.
Part One is here.

When and as I see that I am attaching myself to and/or making/seeking/maintaining relationships with those that align to my mind's interpretation/definition of Rock Stars, Perfect, and/or The Best as indicated by me ignoring, devaluing, deliberately disassociating myself from, and separating myself from others who do not align with these personality definitions that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that these personalities are what I have told myself that I must become, be associated with, or related with in order to gain acceptance from my external world and that by giving into my fear of loss of acceptance and acting on it, I am limiting myself from realizing myself, expressing myself as myself, developing my potential, and getting to know parts of myself as I get to know others.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others by: when and as I see/hear myself communicating to myself that others are 'not like me', that they have nothing in common with me, or I am seeing traits that I have defined as undesirable that I do not want to be associated with, I stop, I breath, I get myself out of my mind and allow myself to explore and learn about others as it is here that I will learn more about myself or parts of myself that I have been suppressing, ignoring, and/or deliberately separating myself from.  Within this, I commit myself to self-forgive, self-correct, and self-commit for any energetic reactions that come up when I am getting to know anyone 'new'.

When and as I see that I am 'looking up to', worshiping, or placing someone on a pedestal that I would like to be and/or be by association, I stop.  I breath and I bring myself back to myself.  I see that this is a pattern that I have been participating in since I was a child and again, it goes back to a time where I believed that it was most important to be accepted by one's external environment and that I am inferior and must trust those that I see as superior.  I remind myself that this bouncing from one-person-to-another over-over-over-again to 'show me the way' has assisted me very little and leads to consequences that are the product of me not developing a relationship of acceptance, trust, respect, and integrity with myself.

I commit myself to STOP looking up to, worshiping, and/or placing others on a pedestal.  In addition to this, I commit myself to stop myself from acting on an attraction to what I am seeing in others as desirable traits that will 'get me somewhere' where I will want to spend as much time with them as possible in order to become them, integrate their personality into/as myself, and/or be associated with them.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping using others for my individual self-interests.  To actually live this commitment in a practical way, I will direct myself to 'not go there' when and as I experience positive energetic reactions of attraction and/or admiration in relation to another, breath, and remove myself, if required.  I write, I self-forgive, I self-correct, and I self-commit until I am done with this looking outside of myself and making relationships based-on what I can get out of it.  Instead of aligning myself to others for what they are so that I don't have to, I develop my own potential within the principle of what is Best For All.

Within this, I commit myself to, as a parent, to stop encouraging my children to look-up-to, worship and create a relationship with Rock Stars, Celebrities, Super Heroes, and other beings by reminding myself that my starting point is my desire for acceptance, my desire for a savior, my not wanting to take responsibility, and me not putting in the physical time and effort required to develop my own self and my own potential as a real human being - in other words, I commit myself to stop attempting to live out my self-interested desires and fears via my children.

I commit myself to show that the world is structured as it is because of the way that we accept and allow ourselves to exist.  Whether we're looking at Politics, Education, Religion, Corporations, or Government, it is all the same where we allow another to be an authority of us, make decisions for us, and direct us based on the belief that that one person has more value than ourselves - more money, more power, more education, more influence, more social status, more physical attractiveness - rather than actual physical proof of their ability to make decisions that are best for all and to actually follow-through with those decisions. 

Day 153: The Writing Ho-Hums

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a great amount of resistance to writing.  I have been experiencing 'blankness' where I would usually have something to write about at all times.  Many of the points that emerge throughout my day are either being directed or have easy, practical solutions.  For the other points, I tell myself that it may not be best to share and that it would be better for everyone if I walked these points in private.

In general, I have not been motivated to push myself.  Like the wind is out my sails.  I did not realize until recently how much I have relied on others to keep me motivated - and now I see just how much I have been relying on others to do this for me when that outside motivational support is no longer here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance to writing.  I accepted my 'blankness' and/or told myself that it would 'go away' and that I would be back to myself with topics to write about again.  I thought that I needed a break - that, maybe if I took a breather that I would soon have many things to write out and about.  So, the days passed and nothing changed - I did not have any 'pressing' points emerge that I felt a desire to write about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go deeper into my process of understanding myself because of fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear that I'm not directing 'new' points effectively, and fear that the things that I would like to write about will cause backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself as hard as I was pushing before because my relationships and daily living have become very stable where I am now able to support my family and others in a way that is best and I'm self-supporting myself with practical, common sense solutions.  I have been so accustomed to everything being a shit-storm during my existence and using this as my only point of self-motivation that when and as there is no longer uncontrollable chaos and turmoil in my immediate world, I see no reason to have to change anything else.  If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it', right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the fear of not being liked or causing problems/discomfort with others instead of not allowing this fear to influence me and to continue writing regardless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my desire to keep the darker stuff about myself private is in-fact me not wanting to expose this stuff to myself.  Why open up a can of worms when I've finally gotten some relief?

Day 124: The Day I Fell

Here I begin walking Traumatic Event 2.

The Day I Fell

I resisted authority, I pushed it, I questioned it, and I tested the limits.  For many years I fought against it and would not allow myself to give in - I would not for one moment allow the authority to know that what was happening was right, good, or in any way was what was best for me.  I remember the day when I finally gave up, opened myself up for whatever may come, prepared myself to take it until it was over, and said, "I don't care anymore.  Do what you're going to do to me and just get it over with."  And once I stopped resisting and fighting, the hand that was used to exert authority stopped.

For 10 years I stood up for myself and in the moment when I allowed myself to literally take myself off my feet and sacrifice myself, it was over - there was a sense of both calm and wrongness - like, what was done in the past had to be done yet there was a sort of shame in relation to the realization that I finally broke.

From here, I presented myself as controlled by authority - I became the Good One and the one that does as expected.  It's interesting - I had been told over the 10 years that I was a manipulator but did not actually become a skilled manipulator until after I fell.  Within a few months to a year, I found a way to get rid of the authority where I would not be seen as anything but an Innocent, Curious, and Honest Person - I ran with it and the every day problem was removed.

This is where I learned that being honest, being outspoken, testing, and taking a stand for oneself is not safe.  I learned, instead, that authority responds best to dishonesty, manipulation, and playing 'dirty pool'. I did not allow myself to let go of this memory so that I could use it to perfect my skills and show myself how to get what I want.

Up until I began writing this entry, I wondered where this behavior was rooted.  It's been destructive and I experience a great amount of shame for what I have done.  Now that I'm seeing it, I will continue with self-forgiveness in my next entry where I will be taking a closer look at how I reacted to Traumatic Event 2 and why, how I made myself feel in my mind and how I changed as a result.