Day 205: How I Become Hard and Uncaring - Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I'm writing self-forgiveness for points and realizations that came up about myself during an experience while in an experience of becoming hard and uncaring toward another that was sharing themselves as well as some possible relevant information about the dark side of the entertainment industry and the world -- Day 204: How I Became Hard and Uncaring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, in a moment of opportunity to educate myself, see and realize how I am making information look massive, innumerable, too big, or too time consuming to sort.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to process new information in my mind rather than writing out the points that I am seeing and/or are being presented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable with and thus separate myself from what I am hearing and within this, allow myself to to go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, when I go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments, and insecurities, tell myself that the beliefs, judgments and insecurities coming up are Not Me or are not Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, insecurities, and self-definitions that come up when I am working on something new and/or am in communication with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotions and feelings that come up when and as I have gone into reactions.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions and feelings by telling myself that I do not have time or that I will get to it later - instead of directing myself to make a note of it so that I can sort through what's coming up when I do have the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in denial - where, because when I have been in this denial of the truth of myself and trying to force myself to be someone that I'm not, I have gotten lost in not knowing who I really am or what I could be doing that is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and insecurities onto others - as if they belong to someone else and not to me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to suppress thoughts like, "It's because of them that I am this way, " or, "It's because of them that the world is the way it is," instead of self-forgiving myself when and as these thoughts come up - regardless of whether or not I'm aware they are are bullshit - and take responsibility for them just the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself that when I am in my mind and in my thoughts, that I can not hear what's going on outside of me.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being in my mind and my thoughts is the very same reason why I have not been able to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with another and demand in my mind that they must take responsibility for what they have done - rather than taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed, letting go of the anger, and allowing myself to see/hear what another is saying/writing/showing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize anger as a means to keep myself separate from others and to not allow myself to get to know them, understand them, be gentle with them, and care for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what was shared and make it personal - and within this taking it personal and wanting it to stop, I went through words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, and self-definitions that I have stored as information and knowledge - not an expression of me, and attempted to express the knowledge and information as Being Who I Am.  Here, I forgot that: when I have been making things personal, reacting, and going into my Ego, that it has been impossible to express myself in a fluid, genuine way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to write out my childhood history and experiences, my real beliefs about myself, my conflicts with myself and my confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to beliefs that I must shake things up in the world - that I must agitate things - and within this take prompts from what I can come up with in my mind from past experiences, information, and knowledge and attempt to change things in that way.  I realize that perhaps it works for some but it doesn't work for me.  I also realize realize that I am attempting to be/live out someone else's expression instead of allowing and trusting myself to be/live out my own.

Day 189: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 1

When I began walking my process a few years ago, my starting point was that I did not have a choice - I saw that I must start writing and must start saying self-forgiveness -- or else.  I see that I have participated in a fear that I won't exist after death and participated in the fear that in one moment, I will be gone forever.  So, in my mind I see that I have been allowing this hope, faith, and belief that somehow (and I'm not exactly sure how) this process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment, taking responsibility, and creating myself as life will save me from the fate of being gone for eternity.

I remember being angry that I had to do this and I placed blame on the others that had walked this process before me and said, "Who are THEY to decide what will be become of me?"  As if, those that have gone before me were the new Gods or gatekeepers of after death existence and would be deciding whether or not I would be allowed to continue depending on my ability to no longer be The Mind, to take responsibility for myself, others, and all that is here, and to place myself  in a role that would assist with bringing about a world that is best.

Currently, I sometimes find that I have also gone into the fear of not making process because I see that I have been fearing not knowing what will be become of me if I don't get this in the one life that I have.  Now, what I see comes up the most often from this fearing is comparison where I have been comparing others processes to my own - what I am doing, what they are doing, what I am not doing, and what they are not doing.  I have said to myself, "Well, if that's as far as they have come, then I am good," or, "oh no, they are pulling ahead of me ... I'm falling behind ..."  I realize that belief I've had about my process is the same belief that I have participated in in-regards to my external world where I have seen life as a competition (and not in a cool way) where I am either the winner or the loser, survival of the fittest, and everyone is replaceable.  It is the same judgments that I have repeated over-and-over-again where I see myself as either good/bad/right/wrong in my mind - and with these judgments I have participated in the same positive and negative energetic reactions depending on whether or not I have seen myself as doing something good or bad and right or wrong.

Over the past couple of months, I have also observed of myself reoccurring thoughts and experiences of being forced to do things.  Forced to work, forced to clean, forced to take care of my responsibilities and commitments, forced to do this, and forced to do that.  In my mind, I have seen almost everything as being forced on me and within this, I have disregarded the fact that I made the decision to do the things that I do on my own as well as the moments that I actually do enjoy what I'm doing.  I have not allowed myself to see this, though - instead I've placed blame and placed responsibility on something or someone outside of myself.  I realize that I have been doing this for most of life which makes it pretty clear why it's automatic now.

Even though my starting point was from fear and I used that point to limit myself to not make process a part of my everyday living, I realize that I can now let that fear go and move on to changing my starting point to a point of daily self-support where I'm no longer waiting for or relying on my external environment to force me to do the things that I must do in my process and instead commit myself to this lifelong process that I have decided for myself and move myself day-to-day and breath-to-breath to do it because the reality is that this process has already improved my quality of living greatly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that my decision to walk my process is not my choice.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no choice but to write, speak/write self-forgiveness, self-correct myself, and make self-commitments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine, believe, and hope that self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment and taking responsibility for myself and others will somehow save me from death or if that's not possible, at the very least, save me from not existing in the after-life.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see how it's me and myself as the mind that fears dying and not existing - not me as a physical being.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that it has been my mind walking my process and not me as a physical being.  So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to walk my process for me without question.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for me allowing my mind to walk my process for me and within this, for allowing myself to align myself and go into agreement with my mind in relation to process.  I see that I have been making this mistake for the simple reason that it is easier and now that I see my mistake and I see that it is the same pattern that I have been repeating with other points in my process, I see that I can physically apply myself to change this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at those that have walked this process before me.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame them for my life changing in one moment - where, because of the information that was shared and with the honesty in which it was shared, I could no longer exist in a fantasy world and would now have to work on myself, sort myself out, stand up, and take responsibility for myself and the others immediately around me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand up from my initial shock in process and take responsibility for my own decision to start walking this process.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imagine and believe that others have the power to decide what will become of me after death.  And because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others as an authority of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind, replace one God with another - over-and-over-again in an attempt to place my hope, faith, belief, and trust in another to decide the best fate for me instead of trusting in myself to create my own destiny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my starting point with walking my process to be fear.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself as a response to that fear rather than moving myself because it's best for me, because I value myself, because I want to do this for myself and because I see potential in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't make process.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what will become of me if I don't make process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from a starting point of fear, compare my process to others' processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel better or worse about myself depending on how I judge myself in relation to other's processes.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have positive or negative thoughts, behaviors, and energetic experiences depending on whether I see myself as 'in the clear' or 'falling behind'.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to tell myself that it is not my choice to walk process by when and as I see myself telling myself that my decision to walk process was not my choice, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I and I alone made this decision to walk THIS specific process as prior to finding this solution, I found no other way to sort through myself and make changes.

I commit myself to no longer allow the belief that I have no choice but to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment by when and as I see myself considering this belief, I stop and breath.  I realize that I have separated myself from my choice when I have automatically made that choice something that's being forced on me from an outside source.  I remind myself that I am the one that has given myself no choice but to do this process for myself and that me choosing this for myself was actually quite a cool thing for me to do for myself.  So, within this, I commit myself to no longer use my choice to participate in process as a point of separation and instead see this decision to write/speak self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment as a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to no longer allow my mind to walk my process for me and I commit myself apply myself in my process with daily physical movement.  And when and as I see myself not physically applying myself within my process in a day, I stop and breath.  I question my starting point for not moving myself to support myself and I self-forgive and self-correct excuses, justifications, reasons, beliefs and resistances for why I have not moved myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to go into judgement when I make the mistake of allowing my mind to direct my process by reminding myself that I am creating a new way of doing things for myself and that this takes time to integrate - so instead of wasting that time on judgement, I simply continue on as per my self-commitment and continue to forge ahead within my process.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to become, suppress, and/or direct blame and anger at anyone outside of myself for my 'life' changing in one moment.  When and as I see the blame and anger coming up in-relation to my participation in process, I stop and breath.  I bring these points of blame and anger back to myself and see where I have not been communicating with myself, where I have been self-dishonest, and where I am not taking responsibility for my process. Within this, I remind myself that I was the one that started asking questions about existence, I was the one that started researching, and I was the one that found the answers to my questions - there was no force outside of myself that pushed me to do this.


Within this agreement with myself, I commit myself to stand up from my initial shock in process, let it go, put my big girl boots on and move on.

I commit myself to removing my imaginations and beliefs about death, the afterlife, and what will become of me when my physical body dies. And within this process, I commit myself to removing my imaginations about a being - here or in the hereafter - that has the authority to determine who/what/where I will be and when and as this imagination comes up, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I am the one that decides who/what/where I am here and within the principle of 'as above, so below', I will be the one to decide who/what/where I am in the hereafter.  I commit myself to take back my authority and show myself that I can be trusted to make these decisions for myself by physically applying myself to do what is required to be done in my process.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself in process to others in their processes in an energetic way by when and as I see that I am comparing myself in process to where others are in their processes, I stop and breath.  Instead of going into judgement, I observe others processes and look for points that I can apply to my own process or where I can potentially support another within their process when seeing a point that I have walked.

Day 166: Be Brutally Honest With Me - Part 1

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

Recently, a friend asked me to be ‘more honest’ with them than I’d ‘ever been before’ regarding my recollection of details of a past event that they were sorting through. I agreed to this and gave my friend all of the information that I could remember in relation to the event. I assumed that the truth would assist my friend to sort out, understand, and work on solutions for problems that emerged from the past event – this was not the case though. My friend, instead became depressed, would not talk with me the next day, became angry with me, and ultimately decided to end the friendship. I experienced shock for several days because it did not go the way I thought it would go because in mind, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, and that good people are honest and speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because honest truth will save you … it will set you free. So, here again, I automatically act on the belief system that I have integrated into and as me. Someone asks for honesty, I answer them honestly. I do not question it – I just go right into it! And I do this again and again and again even though my being honest NEVER produces the positive result that I imagine.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be brutally honest with a friend when I was aware that their mental state was unstable as indicated by their emotional, pleading, and desperate tone of voice and expression with words that indicated depression on the phone. I believed that if I gave my friend what they were asking for – a brutally honest account of events and personal experiences – that this would assist them to stabilize. Instead of actually assisting and supporting my friend by asking questions, hearing them, allowing myself to fully understand the situation, directing the points to discussion and within this, getting them to a place where they are clear and stable, I automatically responded to a friend’s request without considering how the outcome of my brutal honesty would actually result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the honest truth would assist a friend to sort out, understand, and work on solution or problems – in my mind I saw us looking at the information in a practical way, sorting through it together, getting to really understanding why this particular event occurred in the first place, and share perspectives on possible solutions. Because I was running the scenario quickly through my mind and seeing only how everything would work out and be a ‘bonding experience’, I did not consider the reality of a friend in that moment who required my attention, assistance, and support with hearing, understanding, and directing from a point of what’s best for the friend rather than what I show myself is going to work out for ME in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shock because a situation that I had worked out in my mind according to my beliefs about honesty, does not actually work in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I do, seeing the consequences, writing out my beliefs that I participate in, and self-correcting myself, I go into my mind to try to figure out ‘what am I doing or did wrong’ and ‘why am I not good enough’ as this distracts me from me showing myself that my beliefs are not real at all - my beliefs are blown to pieces in one moment – and I do not want to face the fact that what I believe about honesty is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, that good people are honest, and that good people speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because the God’s Honest Truth will save you and set you free. Regardless of the fact that I see over and over and over again that honesty and being honest is/does none of these things, I believe it – I want to believe it. I want to believe it because I experience a positive feeling of hope for myself and my fellow human beings. I want to give honesty this power and authority because if I do and if it works out then we’re all okay! I mean, that’s the agreement right? If we’re honest then there won’t be so many consequences if any at all. WRONG. And if I had allowed myself to see, remember, and be aware instead of keeping myself in this belief bubble about honesty, I would have seen that these beliefs about honesty are some of the biggest lies I’ve told myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically act on the belief system that I have connected to Honesty – I do not slow down and go through the steps of asking myself questions nor do I direct myself in the best way – nope, I just go for it! If someone outside of me asks me for honesty, I tell them as much detail as I can remember which is often broken up so I go backwards and forwards on the timeline of events – which, as I look at it here is more like messy mind purging and less like clear communication of events. So, I do this mind-purge in addition to not directing a discussion to investigating and practicality – and I’ve never allowed myself to look at my behavior and changed it, no, I expect the person whom I’m in communication with to ‘take it as it is’ and ‘deal with it’. And meanwhile, my body is buzzing, I’m shaking, my chest is tight and my solar-plexus is in knots with fears and reactions because I’m not taking responsibility for myself, not respecting myself, and not being honest with myself.

Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.

Day 150: Fine-Tune Instead of Tuning-Out

Part Four of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Three is here, Part Two is here and Part One is here.



When and as I see that I have stopped hearing when and as I am in a situation, event, or change that I experience as uncomfortable, not understanding, nor having confidence in my ability to take responsibility for, I stop and I breath myself back to hear.  I see, realize, and understand that when I stop hearing, I have gone into my thoughts, reactions, fears, Ego and imagination rather than taking the opportunity to take a self-inventory of myself during this moment where a self-dishonesty emerged.  Instead of escaping into my mind where I cannot hear, I allow myself to breath and investigate myself.  In relation to this point of practically supporting myself to live my commitments and responsibilities self-honestly, I direct myself to write out what it is that is that I would like to do, the possible ways that it can be done, and the pros and cons as this will assist and support me in making a decision that is practical, considerate of the consequences, and best for all.

I commit myself to improve my hearing by assisting and supporting myself to work out problems in a practical, common sense way rather than immediately reacting with fear, escaping into my thoughts and imaginations, and making decisions for and as my Ego.  In relation to situations, events, or changes, I commit myself to utilize the writing process for integrating commitments and responsibilities that are important to me and/or assist and support myself with being self-honest and cool with myself. 

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to change, interact, have an experience, or learn from the world because of my immediate reactions of fear, I stop, breath, and slow down my processing.  I see, realize, and understand that these specific social fears that I have are created by memories of not being liked, being left out, or not being a part of the group.  As with my other childhood memories, this is the past that I am accepting and allowing myself to live in and not here.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that having these fears aren't necessary for me to participate with a group and that in-fact, group participation is MUCH more easier and enjoyable when and as I let my fears and memories go.  I continue to remind myself that my memories are not Who I Am and I assist and support myself to self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these memories to change anything about Who I Am, how I relate to others, my stability, my common sense, and my perspectives.

I commit myself to stop allowing fear-based memories to define and/or change Who I Am, how I interact, what I experience, and what I learn from others, the environment that I am in, and the world by reminding myself that my memories are the past and it is not necessary that I live in the past nor use them to define my future - Who I Am is here, in this moment of breath.  As an additional level of self assistance and support, I utilize the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the points of fear-based memories that I am not effectively directing so that I can research the parts of myself that require removal, re-alignment, re-definition, and/or re-direction.

Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 2

Day 124: The Day I Fell
Day 125: The Day I Fell - Self-Forgiveness
Day 126: The Day I Fell - Self-Realizations
Here I am writing Day 127: The Day I Fell - Self-Correction


When and as I see that I am experiencing movement within me and about to speak within and as my reaction, I stop, I breath and I stabilize myself.  It has been suggested that I 'count my words' and so, from here, I direct myself to practice and test this application before I speak to see if it assists with removing the conflict and stress from my daily living.  When and as I count my words, I look and see if what I would like to say is best and/or supportive at that moment - if so, I speak, if not, I remain silent.

When and as I see that I am aligning my expression of Standing to Fighting which is indicated by me becoming unstable, not breathing, a rush of adrenaline, and an increased heart-rate, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that fighting does not work - regardless of how I try to define it as 'not fighting but something else' - Instead of fighting, I remove myself, walk-away, and stabilize myself with breathing.  I self-forgive myself for the points that I am reacting to and I integrate into myself a plan for self-correction.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force another outside of myself to change according to my wants and/or preferences, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that any change that another makes HAS to be SELF-DIRECTED - otherwise, there will be no real change - only temporary change.  This does not fix or solve any issues, situations or problems that emerge but instead continues a pattern with the same starting points and ending points over and over and over again.  Instead of distracting myself with others processes, I direct myself to focus on my own life-long process of awareness and development.

When and as I see that I am comparing my life to anothers life where I assign each a value and where my own value becomes More/God-Like/Magical/Enlightened as an extreme form of separation from others and myself as actually questioning and diminishing my value, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that continuing to allow myself to take this bait leads me further and further away from realizing myself as a human physical being and if I am to assist and support myself to remove and prevent stress from myself, that I must not allow the conflict with myself and others to accumulate.  Instead of allowing the separation to remain within and as me unchecked, I self-forgive myself for the comparison/positive-negative value points that emerge.

When and as I see that I am about to go on a missive to prove my righteousness as indicated by my physical rigidness, pressure in my face, and bringing points back to myself over-and-over again that prove that I am right, I STOP.  I see in the past that when I get to this point that I will 'fight to death' where I place myself in a position of compromising myself and instigating harm to myself physically - when and as I am in this possessed state, I no longer care nor consider the one life that I have been given as all that matters is that I Am Right.  Additionally, I do not consider my responsibility to others or how my words and actions will effect them.  This must stop.  Again, instead of fighting, I breath, I remove myself, I walk away, I stabilize myself, I self-forgive myself for the point that emerged in which myself as my Ego attempted to defend, I get to the core/source/origin point, and I realign myself to self-correction.

When and as I see/hear myself telling myself, 'That's not who I Am anymore!' - I stop.  I see that I am giving myself a part of me that I am attempting to separate myself from because I do not want to face and change myself.  Instead of running away from the personality/character/experience that's emerging, I embrace it and investigate the origin point as I apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am going into my past to define/compare/value myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that believing any ideas I've had about myself in my past is a way for myself to distract myself from who/what I am here, now, and in the moment of breathing.  Additionally, I'm aware that many of the memories I have about myself in the past aren't or may not be accurate because of the extensive amount of time that I have spent on changing the scenarios to fit how I would 'like' them to have happened and/or in such a way as to satisfy my self-interests and personality/character creation.  Instead of looking for 'clues' that may define me, I direct myself to use my memories as a tool to understand myself here, as who I have become - and from this point, to work on solutions to become a person that is best.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for making me the way that I am, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I created myself based on the opportunities and choices that were presented to me.  Instead of blaming others for what I have become, I bring the blame back to myself and investigate where/why/how I accepted the things about myself that I see as Bad/Wrong.  And from here, I work on removing these things about myself that are not aligned to me being the person that I can live with. 

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

 

Here I am continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitments started on Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10.

When and as I see that I am attempting to ignore, avoid, get out of, and/or distract myself from living up to my commitments, responsibilities and tasks that I have agreed to as indicated by myself telling myself: "I do not have to apply myself all of the time.", "I have walked this point and lived it enough already.", "This doesn't apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now.", "I have transcended this point.", and/or "This is just too risky for me to give up - I need this about me to make it in this world." - I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me giving myself reasons and excuses not change and instead of allowing myself to agree to the voice because it is what I want to hear, I remind myself of my commitment, I remind myself why I made this commitment, I remind myself of the consequences if I do not live up to my commitment and I live my words and do what I said I was going to do.

I commit myself to not allow myself to be directed by my inner-voice that I use to sneak away from my commitments, responsibility, and tasks by directing myself to stick to the decision I have made to stand for/as/of/within what I said I was going to do.

When and as I hear myself saying within and without that, "I have never committed to anything in my entire life.", I do not allow myself to agree with this statement and thus do not allow myself within not agreeing with this statement to recall memories and experiences of myself to confirm that this statement is true/real.   I see, realize, and understand that my memories and my experiences of myself are tools that I am required to work with so when they come up unexpectedly, I investigate them but do not allow myself to be directed by them - instead, I move myself to direct myself through and as my memories so that I may understand myself, why I am the way that I am, and release myself from the reactions associated with the memories and experiences.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being a person that has 'never committed to anything in life' by first, seeing, realizing, and understanding that I accepted and allowed this definition of myself - I created it - second, not accepting and allowing it as a definition of myself by stopping the excuse in it's tracks and re-tracing to the original memories, experiences, and thoughts that I had where I did not want to face myself.

I will continue with self-correction and self-commitments.