Day 187: I'm Awesome. I Don't Have To Change.

In this entry, I'm looking at how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities that I have developed over time. This is a continuation of Day 185: Proving Myself to the World where I first opened up the point with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to such an extent that if I see that the external world does not agree with nor recognize my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities - and within this, see my value - I tell myself that all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can do, is wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to see me, see what I can do, see my potential, see my as valuable, and want to make an investment in me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this whole scenario backwards - where I  make it about what others can see and do for me rather than what I can see and do for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience like this drop of self, like this loss of self when and as I tell myself that all that my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities are wasted.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not use my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities, that I will lose them and they will be gone forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to who I am and within this, not seeing the consequence of my mistake where at any moment, if my belief or illusion of myself of being a talented, skilled, experienced, and physically able person is challenged, disproved, ignored, or disregarded by myself via self-judgment or others - perceived or otherwise - I become disconnected from myself and then go into negative energetic experiences like sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a positive energetic experience when and as I am in these negative emotional states of sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive energetic experience when and as I see the opportunity to do so - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to support me to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to recognize me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to make me and my self-definitions real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and go into an energetic high when I am able to get external recognition.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic high of recognition where I must have it again, and again, and again.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I am needing, wanting, desiring, looking-for recognition of my talents, skills, experiences and physical abilities from my external world that this is a clear indication that I am not actually living up to my potential and that I am in-fact aware that I'm not living up to my potential because if I were, I wouldn't be looking outside of myself for validation.  It's like saying, "Hey so-and-so sees that I am awesome so that means that I don't have to change or improve on what I'm doing."

Again, laziness!

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to define myself by my positive past experiences or the things that I'm particularly good at by when and as I see myself going into the achievements of my past as a way to feel better about and/or justify me not moving here at this moment to challenge myself to develop new talents, new skills, and new abilities, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that everything that I have developed for myself in the past is because I worked at it over-and-over-again until I was satisfied with my performance and this is how I now apply myself to develop myself in other ways.

I commit myself to stop using others feedback as an excuse, justification, and/or reason for not pushing myself beyond where I am in my process at any given moment and within this, I commit myself to stop being lazy, to stop taking the easy road, and to stop trying to get through this life with as little effort as possible by when and as I see that I am limiting myself based on what I can do or what I have done successfully in the past, I stop and breath. Instead of going into my comfort-zone of laziness, complacency and mediocrity, I challenge myself to push myself and to give myself the time, patience, and physical practice required to become skilled at new things.

Day 163: Excuses, excuses ...

"Truth and Lies"
Artwork by Andrew Gable
2013

 My last blog writing was on October 12, 2013.  In the past, I have missed a few weeks here and there but never to this extent.  The excuses started when I began writing in a personal journal instead of sharing writings in the blog and from there I told myself that I had other things that were more urgent for me to complete.  As the weeks passed, I would come up with other reasons: the computer isn't working, the computer room isn't clean enough for me to focus, I'm tired, I'm too busy with family responsibilities, I have to catch up on my TV series, and I just don't feel like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait over two months to write in my blog - over two months of procrastinating that I have allowed myself to accumulate the consequences of me not doing what I agreed for myself to do.  So, now, I am faced with points of worry, anxiety, fear, and anger that I have not directed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," to exist within and as me.  I allowed this excuse because it benefited me in the moment - if I had instead looked back to the times when I did not share writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment,  I was not 'fine' - in-fact, I experienced instability because I was not being self-honest and standing within and as my self-commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse, "Writing in my personal journal fulfills my daily requirement for writing," to exist within and as me.  I got into this habit of writing in my personal journal when I was physically injured - this assisted with keeping myself stable at the time, however, after healing I was more than able to continue with my Journey To Life blog and decided to continue writing in my notebook because it was easier and it benefited me.  An additional problem that I saw but did not push myself to correct is that I would bounce from writing and self-forgiving one experience to the next with very little self-correction and self-commitments so I have not actually changed.  By writing in private, I decided time and time again to not hold myself accountable.

When and as I see myself allowing the excuse, "I've missed a few weeks of writing in the past and I was fine," I stop.  I realize that I am accepting this excuse/reason/justification because it appeals to my self-interest and it's what I want to hear in the moment - it's not actually a real account of events, just something that I worked out in my mind as to avoid self-responsibility - it is self-dishonest because time and time again I have shown myself that I am not 'okay' when I decide not to share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to no longer allowing the excuse, "I'll be fine if I miss a few weeks of writing in my Journey To Life blog," by when and as the excuse/reason/justification comes up, I remind myself that I have not been 'fine' when I decide not to share in my Journey To Life blog for longer than a week and instead of giving in to my self-interests, I remind myself of my self-commitment to share writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments in my blog and no longer accept and allow resistance as procrastination, excuses, reasons, and justifications. 

When and as I see that I am considering procrastinating or waiting to write in my Journey To Life blog, I stop.  I realize that when I procrastinate with writing in my blog that I create unnecessary consequence for myself as worry, anxiety, fear, and anger.

I commit myself to STOP procrastinating with writing in my Journey To Life blog by setting specific days of the week that I will write in my Journey To Life blog and doing it.

When and as I see that I am allowing the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily requirement for writing," I stop.  I realize that writing in a personal journal and/or notebook is self-support for when I am not physically able to use a computer.  Additionally, I realize that the decision to continue to write in a personal journal/notebook and not share my writings, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-correction is me not wanting to hold myself accountable and is me exercising my Free Will as spite. 

I commit myself to stop using the excuse/reason, "Writing in my personal journal and/or notebook fulfills my daily writing requirement for writing," by reminding myself that writing in my personal journal and/or notebook does not fulfill my commitment to share my process of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrections, and self-commitments for change and within this, I commit myself to hold myself accountable and responsible by sharing my process publicly.

Day 97: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 10

How do I change from being Just A Kid to a mature, stable and responsible human being? 

To see how I have gotten here, read:


Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Sleep of reason brings monsters (2005) by Andrew Gable

The Problem: I have made the decision to change and within this decision have made several self-commitments to myself.  Some of the self-commitments may have not been practical or when I made these self-commitments I was basing them off what others saw as best for themselves without investigating the points self-honestly for myself.  The greater percentage of the self-commitments that I have made ARE practical and livable, however, I have not actually committed myself to many of these decisions and spoken/written word to change within my definition of the word Commitment which is 'do what you say you're going to do'.  As shown in Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9 , the consequence of this equals to a pattern of emotional turmoil which is not best for myself or others.

The Solution: When and as I make a self-commitment to myself to change, I Do What I Say I Am Going To Do within the specificity that I have stated. If I state that I am not eating sugar for 21 days where 'eating sugar' means that I do not consume any products that have sugar listed in the ingredients, then I do not consume any food that has sugar listed in the ingredients for 21 days.  Within my commitment to myself, I do not allow excuses nor argue for my limitations - I do it until it is done.

The Reward: Seeing myself, for the first time ever, as a person that I want to be which is mature, direct, stable, and responsible.  And in-fact, living this as me for real - not just in some imaginary dimension in my mind.

Self-Correction and Self-Commitments for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1

When and as I see that I am connecting the words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence' to fear as indicated by myself having a fear reaction in my solar-plexus when as I see, speak, or hear the Words Commitment, Failure, and/or Consequence, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is a moment of opportunity to open a point that I may have missed or suppressed so within this,  I bring myself back to here and then direct myself with a review my minds thoughts and reactions previous to my physical reaction to pin-point what triggered the fear response.

I commit myself to stopping my fears from controlling, moving, and directing me and instead control, move, and direct my fears as a method of investigating myself with the assistance of my mind and physical body to pin-point what is causing a fear reaction within and as me. 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that 'I fear that I will disappoint, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was', I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this statement of myself makes no sense, is not real, and is a back-door excuse for a moment that I did not want to do something - because as long as I am living my commitments then fear that I will disappoint myself, let myself down, or go back to the way that I was, does not exist.

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling myself, taking the bait, and then reacting to 'I might fail, that I might disappointment myself, that I might let myself down, and that I might go back to the way that I was' by standing within/for/as my self-commitments.  Within this, I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to consider these back-door-out excuses by seeing, realizing, and understanding that allowing these will only lead to the consequence of inner-conflict.

When and as I see that I am imagining that 'consequence is out to get me', I laugh. I see, realize, and understand that consequence is a product of me and my living - I created it - it is not a separate entity from me and thus I must bring it back to myself and see where my application requires support, assistance and/or fine-tuning.  Instead of fleeing from the Big Scarey Consequence Monster when and as it comes, I re-direct myself to breath through my experience, stand, and assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction within the realization that moments to see myself self-honestly are gift and not a curse.

I commit myself to, when and as facing consequence, to breath, stand, and assist and support myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction so that I can flag-point and address areas of my living that I have not been effective as per my decision to change.

More to come in the next entry.

Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9

What are the consequences of allowing oneself to exist as a child within one's mind where one says, "I'm just a Kid At Heart.  I will never grow up ... " ??  Read here and find out.

For additional dimensions within the exploration of this topic, refer to:

Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5



The Problem: The consequences of my acting out my Just A Kid character are that I never gave myself the opportunity to stand - when things get tough I experience turmoil, I rely on others to take care of me, I need someone outside of myself to confirm my experiences as 'special', I look to others for praise and I battle inside of me with these things because I judge myself as a result of me separating myself from this and defining myself as a strong, secure, and stable person.

When the truth is, I have been arguing for my limitations all along.  As this, I can find an excuse for myself in every moment for me not standing, not living my self-commitments, not sticking to my decisions, not taking control of my living, and not changing.

The Solution: See, realize and understand that when I do not live a practical self-commitment that I am being dishonest with myself as I formulate excuses - and within this seeing, realizing, and understanding, I direct myself within these moments when I am arguing for my limitations to instead self-forgive myself for accepting and allowing these excuses to exist within and as me and then re-direct myself to complete what I have set out to do and/or what must be done.

The Reward: I will see change in myself and my living as I will no longer be participating in a fight within myself and thus actually getting done for myself what I set out to do.  As I see that I can be trusted with what is important to me, I will establish self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the consequences of me acting out my Just A Kid character - I have created a life that is filled with chaos, mental and emotional turmoil, instability, and break-downs because I have continually, over-and-over again argued for my limitations as I tell myself that I Am Just A Kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see that me not standing is me not 'doing what I said I would do' within and as my re-definition of Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require another outside of myself to confirm, feed, and comfort my limitations so that I can make them real and thus continue within the pattern and not change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself negatively within Guilt for not living up to my self-commitments - instead of standing as myself within the commitments that I have made for myself and making self-directed decisions in breath, I compare myself to others, judge myself, and from here, become guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself positively within my Escapism and separation when and as I am within this guilt.  Instead of facing the guilt, I flee from it and within this, perpetuate consequences.

Next up: Self-Commitment Statements for my Journey To Life Review - Day 1 processes.