In this entry, I'm looking at how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities that I have developed over time. This is a continuation of Day 185: Proving Myself to the World where I first opened up the point with writing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to such an extent that if I see that the external world does not agree with nor recognize my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities - and within this, see my value - I tell myself that all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can do, is wasted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to see me, see what I can do, see my potential, see my as valuable, and want to make an investment in me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this whole scenario backwards - where I make it about what others can see and do for me rather than what I can see and do for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience like this drop of self, like this loss of self when and as I tell myself that all that my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities are wasted.
Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not use my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities, that I will lose them and they will be gone forever.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to who I am and within this, not seeing the consequence of my mistake where at any moment, if my belief or illusion of myself of being a talented, skilled, experienced, and physically able person is challenged, disproved, ignored, or disregarded by myself via self-judgment or others - perceived or otherwise - I become disconnected from myself and then go into negative energetic experiences like sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a positive energetic experience when and as I am in these negative emotional states of sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive energetic experience when and as I see the opportunity to do so - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to support me to feel better about myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to recognize me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to make me and my self-definitions real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and go into an energetic high when I am able to get external recognition.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic high of recognition where I must have it again, and again, and again.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I am needing, wanting, desiring, looking-for recognition of my talents, skills, experiences and physical abilities from my external world that this is a clear indication that I am not actually living up to my potential and that I am in-fact aware that I'm not living up to my potential because if I were, I wouldn't be looking outside of myself for validation. It's like saying, "Hey so-and-so sees that I am awesome so that means that I don't have to change or improve on what I'm doing."
Again, laziness!
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to define myself by my positive past experiences or the things that I'm particularly good at by when and as I see myself going into the achievements of my past as a way to feel better about and/or justify me not moving here at this moment to challenge myself to develop new talents, new skills, and new abilities, I stop and breath. I remind myself that everything that I have developed for myself in the past is because I worked at it over-and-over-again until I was satisfied with my performance and this is how I now apply myself to develop myself in other ways.
I commit myself to stop using others feedback as an excuse, justification, and/or reason for not pushing myself beyond where I am in my process at any given moment and within this, I commit myself to stop being lazy, to stop taking the easy road, and to stop trying to get through this life with as little effort as possible by when and as I see that I am limiting myself based on what I can do or what I have done successfully in the past, I stop and breath. Instead of going into my comfort-zone of laziness, complacency and mediocrity, I challenge myself to push myself and to give myself the time, patience, and physical practice required to become skilled at new things.
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