Day 187: I'm Awesome. I Don't Have To Change.

In this entry, I'm looking at how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities that I have developed over time. This is a continuation of Day 185: Proving Myself to the World where I first opened up the point with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to such an extent that if I see that the external world does not agree with nor recognize my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities - and within this, see my value - I tell myself that all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can do, is wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to see me, see what I can do, see my potential, see my as valuable, and want to make an investment in me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this whole scenario backwards - where I  make it about what others can see and do for me rather than what I can see and do for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience like this drop of self, like this loss of self when and as I tell myself that all that my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities are wasted.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not use my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities, that I will lose them and they will be gone forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to who I am and within this, not seeing the consequence of my mistake where at any moment, if my belief or illusion of myself of being a talented, skilled, experienced, and physically able person is challenged, disproved, ignored, or disregarded by myself via self-judgment or others - perceived or otherwise - I become disconnected from myself and then go into negative energetic experiences like sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a positive energetic experience when and as I am in these negative emotional states of sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive energetic experience when and as I see the opportunity to do so - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to support me to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to recognize me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to make me and my self-definitions real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and go into an energetic high when I am able to get external recognition.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic high of recognition where I must have it again, and again, and again.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I am needing, wanting, desiring, looking-for recognition of my talents, skills, experiences and physical abilities from my external world that this is a clear indication that I am not actually living up to my potential and that I am in-fact aware that I'm not living up to my potential because if I were, I wouldn't be looking outside of myself for validation.  It's like saying, "Hey so-and-so sees that I am awesome so that means that I don't have to change or improve on what I'm doing."

Again, laziness!

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to define myself by my positive past experiences or the things that I'm particularly good at by when and as I see myself going into the achievements of my past as a way to feel better about and/or justify me not moving here at this moment to challenge myself to develop new talents, new skills, and new abilities, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that everything that I have developed for myself in the past is because I worked at it over-and-over-again until I was satisfied with my performance and this is how I now apply myself to develop myself in other ways.

I commit myself to stop using others feedback as an excuse, justification, and/or reason for not pushing myself beyond where I am in my process at any given moment and within this, I commit myself to stop being lazy, to stop taking the easy road, and to stop trying to get through this life with as little effort as possible by when and as I see that I am limiting myself based on what I can do or what I have done successfully in the past, I stop and breath. Instead of going into my comfort-zone of laziness, complacency and mediocrity, I challenge myself to push myself and to give myself the time, patience, and physical practice required to become skilled at new things.

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.

Day 156: Unwinding

"I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out."- Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical warnings that showed clearly that I was required to slow down.  I did not want to slow down because I get a positive energetic charge out of moving fast and showing others how effective I am.  Instead of taking the opportunity to practice self-discipline and respect for my self as flesh, I gave into my desire to experience respect from my external world as it assist me as my Ego to feel good.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny that I may have a physical limitation when and as I continually twisted and turned my ankles.  I have not wanted to see and be honest with myself that: because of my years of participating with and as my mind, I have in-fact aged.  This, combined with the years of hard physical labor have compromised the structure of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand, realize, and see that I am NOT invincible and that I am aging - just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that it was impossible for me to slow down.  This was a lie that I told mysef to justify my desire to hold on to my individuality.  It has become quite clear that it is possible for me to slow down because since my injury, I have been required to move extremely slow - where, if I do not move slow there is a consequence of pain and/or permanent damage to the structure of my leg.

Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability.

Day 140: I Need Adderall: Requirement, Addiction, or Justification?

With the assistance, support, education, and the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction I was able to let go my dependence on Adderall and the fear that I could not survive or 'be okay' without it.  In this post, I'm showing how this was done.




Writing

I have defined myself as An Addict – I say, “I Am An Addict”, and in my world this is perfectly acceptable to be An Addict and all that is required for one to gain acceptance is to admit it – and once one as admitted it, it becomes one’s justification for participating in activities that are considered ‘bad’ for oneself. It has been easy for me to be An Addict.

I have defined myself as addicted to several things.  I have often told myself and others that ‘if there’s something to be addicted to, I will be addicted to it’.

I am currently working on my addiction to Adderall and my obsession with this drug consumes me - so I will be focusing specifically on this point.

Every day that I wake up without Adderall, I begin with the thought and expression of myself as, “different day, same crap” – without this drug I experience myself as unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unmotivated, unhappy, and complacent. My general attitude is sarcastically as ‘yay – another day, woopty-doo, I wonder how much weight I’ve gained –today-!’. I do not want to leave my home and I am bored with the tasks that I participate in while being in my home.

I make a decision at several points during my day to not call up and have my prescription for this drug filled at the pharmacy and I do this because of the commitments that I have made to myself as well as to show my self that I can stop this addiction with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am addicted to Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that I am addicted to Adderall to not stop taking the drug and when/as I am not taking/consuming the drug, I use this excuse and justification of myself being addicted to think about the drug and think of reasons to start taking the drug again so that I do not end my relationship with/to the drug. I tell myself: I am addicted to Adderall, I need it to be ‘okay’, I can’t stop this addiction, and I need this drug to gain control over my life/my body because my life/my body is out of my control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I Am An Addict and thus, within and as myself telling myself this I act out the part of an addict where I express myself as needing a drug, like Adderall, to make it through my day, my daily tasks, my job, and my over-consumption of food. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached the Word Addict to the Word Adderall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, “I am addicted to Adderall – I am an addict,” where I tell myself within and as myself that I speak and play-out the part of ‘Admission of Guilt’ that I will not have to take responsibility for my decision to take Adderall, I will not have to change, and I can go back to taking it whenever I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to Adderall because I told myself that it ‘could happen’ and gave myself permission to form an addiction to the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to replace Adderall with Sugar which I am well-aware is of almost equal harm to my physical body as Adderall. Within my walking this process of removing Adderall from life forever, I see that I punish myself with the sugar – I am aware that I feel physically like crap after I eat sugar and that I experience pain and discomfort in my digestive system – and yet, I continue. I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand why I punish myself with sugar consumption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt for abusing my body with Adderall – where a specific, observable indication of my abuse is my teeth that darkened, changed shape, began to break/rot, and became painful. Unfortunately, I never allowed myself to be shamed by the harm I caused my physical body because of the extent of separation I have created with my physical body where I see it as a separate entity for/from me. And thus, because I never allowed myself to be a shamed for what I have done, I have not changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I what I did to my teeth and ignored the problem – angry that I lost a tooth (a body part) and angry because of the amount of money I have had to spend to get my mouth healthy again because of the crippling pain. Within this, I am angry at myself that I had to live through an extensive amount of pain that pretty much had me unable to function before I directed myself to do anything about the problems in my mouth.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that ‘being angry’ at myself changed nothing in my application because I would still take Adderall if I saw a loophole and I would again not take care of my physical body within the justification and excuse that: It’s too expensive, I don’t have time, or I just can’t for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the consequences of my Adderall abuse – even after I did research on Meth-Salts which are an ingredient in the drug and found that it can be linked to Parkinsons Disease. Because I don’t want to give the drug up and desire the physical/mental/emotional positive effects of the drug, I hurt myself, my physical existence, and the future quality of my physical existence – the future consequences of my actions/decisions are easy to ignore because I tell myself that, “I will be fine,” and that “I’m healthy. I never get sick. I am strong.” And that, “I age slower than others so I have more time to play with.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with ‘having to give up’ my Adderall addiction – where, because I did not want to let this point go, I continue to bring it up over-and-over again in my writing. I blame almost all of my problems on myself stopping taking Adderall – my weight gain, my lack of ‘energy’, my ‘not caring’, my lack of motivation to get up in the morning, my not wanting to participate with others in my world, my not wanting to exercise, my not wanting to leave the house, my not getting big projects done around the house, and my depressed ‘mood’. Because I am blaming my problems on something outside of myself, I am not standing – and as long as I allow it to continue, I will never establish self-acceptance and self-trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” as if someone outside of myself was making me do it. When, in fact, it was a direct decision that I made to stop taking it because of the damage it can cause to my physical body, my self-development, and my standing as an example of a responsible, trustworthy human being. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I am separating myself from my decision to change, I am not allowing my decision to ‘stick’ because if I allowed myself to stick to my decision, I would change. And I don’t want this – what I want is an easy, ‘for now’ way out instead of the having to face myself.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that, “I had to give up Adderall,” for someone/something outside of myself as a means to not take responsibility for myself if I fail because if I decided to start taking Adderall again, I can say to myself, “I did not do this for ME. I did this for THEM. And until I do this for me, there’s no point in bothering to give up this point.” I have not seen nor realized that I have programmed myself to give up on my decisions and my commitments to live a specific way that is best for me because I have accepted this – I have heard it MANY times where we tell one another over-and-over-again, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, “If you’re doing this for someone else and not yourself, it will never work – you’ll just go right back to it.” I do not see, realize, nor understand when I do this that I am giving myself and others a backdoor out of our commitments and life decisions – For myself, I am making it ‘okay’ for me to fail so that I do not have to experiencing myself negatively within guilt, shame, anger, or the imagined verbal abuse of my inner personalities. I have never allowed myself to embrace my guilt, shame, anger, self-abuse, and the personalities that exists within my mind because I have told myself that it is ‘too painful’ and pain is BAD – and anything BAD must be resisted, ignored, run-away-from.

Yesterday, I found an empty bottle of my Adderall prescription on my jewelry box – it was odd because it looked like it had been ‘placed’ there. I saw the bottle and immediately got excited, “I wonder if there is anything left in there? Did my partner find this and leave it out for me? Am I being tested to see how I will react to seeing the bottle? Does my partner want me to start taking this again – is he in hopes that if I see this bottle that it will trigger me to call up the pharmacy and re-fill it?” I held the bottle ‘lovingly’ in my hands, opened it up, I looked in and then ran my finger around the inside to see if there was a ½ of a pill or maybe some ‘crumbs’ – nothing. I smelled the bottle, and again nothing. I sighed, put the cap back on, and dropped my shoulders – I was a mixture of sad and missing it - I missed the relationship I had with the drug which I connected to a life without the pain, anger, and disappointment of being overweight.

I see that I have associated Adderall with giving me the ONE thing that I have always wanted for myself since I was very young and that is to have a normal-sized body – I was able to achieve this in a matter of months and I was free from a life-long experience of outside judgment, bullying, and non-acceptance. This is something that I have not been able to give myself – I have been on special ‘diets’ ever since I can remember – none of them worked. As I gain weight back, I experience constant fear, physical discomfort as my physical freedom to move diminishes and obviously, I make myself emotional within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look to Adderall to give me something that I have not given myself. I have not been patient and have always wanted immediate results – and within this, I have not allowed myself the time to stabilize myself and my body and instead say to myself, “I will deal with this later, tomorrow, when I get a day-off, or when I get some time.” Which, I never do. So the problem accumulates because I do not give myself the opportunity to change/make changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotion of ‘Sad’ to lack-of/missing Adderall. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as longing/wanting/needed/craving Adderall where I allow my relationship with the drug to have power over me and change me mentally, emotionally, and physically in a moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience lacking and a deep void within myself in which I further experience myself as hopeless because of my desire for Adderall. I want to escape the pressure, the stress, and the physical discomfort that I feel in my body and see in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I take Adderall that the experience I have in/as my physical body is more aligned with my physical mind-body – when I am on Adderall I move my physical body extremely fast, I have constant physical reactions through-out my days, I am on High, I perceive myself as having an unlimited amount of energy, I communicate well with other’s as mind-consciousness systems, and I tell myself how good I feel and that this makes me happy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a drug to force my physical body to align with my physical-mind-body – Instead of considering and/or allowing myself to work on aligning my physical-mind-body with my physical body where I am moving myself to make change rather than relying on an outside source. Additionally within this, because I never worked at aligning my physical-mind-body to my physical body, I have not tested to see if I could make a change with myself that is lasting – unlike drugs where I need to take them every day or twice a day to maintain my alignment.

Realizations

I see, realize and understand that I am not really addicted to Adderall. I am using the Word Addicted to justify myself wanting, needing, and desiring the drug so that I can have an excuse for myself to start taking the drug again because when/as/if I start taking the drug again, I tell myself that all I have to do to accept myself within my decision is to tell myself and others, “I am not in-control of this. This is stronger than me. It has power to give me something that I am not able to give myself. I need this to be okay.”

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using the Word Addicted to explain an experience of myself within want/need/desire where my want/need/desire is so strong that I tell myself that I may not survive/be stable without it.

I see, realize, and understand that I have connected Adderall to myself experiencing myself positively and because I do not like to experience myself negatively, it is easier to call up, get a prescription, go the pharmacy, fill it, and in the matter of moments, escape that which I see is negative about myself and my living. Via my Journey To Life blog, I have found that this is part of my pattern that locks me into not changing or considering a ‘way out’ so it’s best to stop it.

I see, realize, and understand that Adderall damages my physical body – and even though I am not aware of all the consequences of this abuse at the moment, I have investigated and found that use of amphetamines can cause/lead-to Schizophrenia and Parkinsons Disease. Additionally, I have been told that the drug ‘ages’ the body – and this is something that is definitely not best for myself as I have lots of work to do here before I leave this physical existence.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to give to me what I have not allowed me to give to myself – specifically in regards to the body-size/shape that I am most comfortable. Suggest here for me to continue to investigating this point for myself as I am seeing that the problem may not only be with my food choices and/or the quantity of food that I eat – it is also linked to the amount of stress that I have allowed to accumulate within/as me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have been using Adderall to force my physical body to align with my mind and my systems that I live in – and thus, I see a cool opportunity here to work on aligning my mind and my systems to my physical body.

Self-Correction

 

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I am addicted to Adderall, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is me justifying my wanting, needing, and desiring to start taking the drug again and not taking responsibility for the point. Instead of allowing myself to separate myself from my wanting, needing, and desiring to take Adderall, I direct myself to take the opportunity to explore points that I may have missed by breathing, slowing myself down, and investigating the process that led me to wanting/needing/desiring the drug as I see, realize, and understand that I have had a negative experience of myself that I am trying to escape from.

I commit myself to stopping myself from trying to escape from a negative experience of myself with the assistance of Adderall by allowing myself to actually experience the negative of myself so that I can work on understanding my negative experiences – within this, I will stabilize myself with breathing and assist and support myself with writing and self-forgiveness.

When and as I see that I am telling myself that I need Adderall because I have become or may become unstable, I STOP. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that I am able to stabilize myself by breathing and that this is better than any drug because it is here with me, it actually keeps me alive, and the effects are lasting and supportive.

I commit myself to question my wants, needs, and desires as I see, realize, and understand that I created these attachments and ‘lack of things’ in my mind. Within this point, I will continue to investigate myself and find out what I am not giving myself/allowing myself to have/punishing myself and why.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, needing, considering, and/or thinking about calling in a prescription for Adderall because I am experiencing myself negatively – I STOP. I see, realize, and understand that I am facing my pattern that I have committed myself to stopping. I do not call, I do not seek out the drug, and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. Instead, I breath until I am stable and then assist and support myself with writing out my negative experience and self-forgiving myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that the only solution to my instability is Adderall – I see, realize, and understand that the solution to my instability is to stabilize myself with breathing – this is not something outside of me, it is something with/in/as me that I will have with me until I die. Instead of looking outside of myself for ways to stabilize myself, I re-direct myself remain here with myself and BREATH – this is ‘faster-acting’, more effective, and last longer than any drug.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I am in great health, that I am untouchable by disease, and that I do not age so it’s ‘okay’ to take Adderall because the reported consequences do not apply to me – I stop. I see, realize, and understand that even though I am not aware of the consequences at this moment, that there may be damage at a level that I cannot see. Also, as I see my world, I see that consequences are happening sooner than later and that it’s best not to get caught up in these consequences IN ADDITION to the daily consequences/tests that I am faced with – to allow this to happen would essentially be me giving up on myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing discomfort with myself within/as my physical body and thus consider Adderall as a possible solution to make myself comfortable – I stop. I remind myself that I do not need a drug to make comfortable. I breath and allow myself to be here with my physical discomforts as I see, realize, and understand that what I am physically experiencing is nothing to be afraid of, I do not have to separate myself from it, and it’s not weird – in-fact, being here with/in/as my physical body is a cool way to see how well I am doing within my process of sorting out and managing my life.

I commit myself to stopping myself from automatically telling myself that there is an easy way out for me – that everything will get easier for me if I call in my prescription for Adderall and that it’s ‘okay’ – I will do this by reminding myself that I have chosen to walk my process here – and yes, it is not easy but a ‘way out’ is self-dishonest and delusional. And from here, I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I have established a point of self-trust.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to place myself in a position of where I could get ‘caught up’ in Adderall again – I do not look for it and I do not accept the drug if it’s offered to me. When and as I struggle with this and/or am in a position of where I could potentially compromise myself on this point, I say, “No,” and remove myself from the temptation. Within this, I continue to work on points that emerge with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction until I am no longer struggling and/or in conflict with myself about saying No to Adderall.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force my physical body to move at the speed/frequency/vibration of my mind and/or my physical world by either considering taking drugs or creating an energy high for myself, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless – for one, doing this to my body hasn’t really improved much in my world/my mind and two, going faster creates much more work for me later as it takes a lot more time to stabilize my body/my life than it would if I were to breath and move forward steadily.

I commit myself to aligning myself as my mind to my physical body and stopping myself from forcing my physical body to align with myself as my mind by allowing myself to be here in/as/with my physical body, breathing, and ‘getting toknow’ myself with/in/as my physical body as I see, realize, and understand that it is here in my physical body that I can check myself, test my progress, and/or communicate with myself about points that I must be self-honest with myself about.

Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11

 

Here I am continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitments started on Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10.

When and as I see that I am attempting to ignore, avoid, get out of, and/or distract myself from living up to my commitments, responsibilities and tasks that I have agreed to as indicated by myself telling myself: "I do not have to apply myself all of the time.", "I have walked this point and lived it enough already.", "This doesn't apply to me anymore so I can do what I want now.", "I have transcended this point.", and/or "This is just too risky for me to give up - I need this about me to make it in this world." - I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me giving myself reasons and excuses not change and instead of allowing myself to agree to the voice because it is what I want to hear, I remind myself of my commitment, I remind myself why I made this commitment, I remind myself of the consequences if I do not live up to my commitment and I live my words and do what I said I was going to do.

I commit myself to not allow myself to be directed by my inner-voice that I use to sneak away from my commitments, responsibility, and tasks by directing myself to stick to the decision I have made to stand for/as/of/within what I said I was going to do.

When and as I hear myself saying within and without that, "I have never committed to anything in my entire life.", I do not allow myself to agree with this statement and thus do not allow myself within not agreeing with this statement to recall memories and experiences of myself to confirm that this statement is true/real.   I see, realize, and understand that my memories and my experiences of myself are tools that I am required to work with so when they come up unexpectedly, I investigate them but do not allow myself to be directed by them - instead, I move myself to direct myself through and as my memories so that I may understand myself, why I am the way that I am, and release myself from the reactions associated with the memories and experiences.

I commit myself to stopping myself from being a person that has 'never committed to anything in life' by first, seeing, realizing, and understanding that I accepted and allowed this definition of myself - I created it - second, not accepting and allowing it as a definition of myself by stopping the excuse in it's tracks and re-tracing to the original memories, experiences, and thoughts that I had where I did not want to face myself.

I will continue with self-correction and self-commitments.

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

'Characters Creating Anger' by Andrew Gable

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

From here, I will be writing practical self-correction and self-commitments for self-forgiveness written for my fear of Loss of Respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'.  Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed.  Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous, anxious, and/or worried about 'friending' others from my day-to-day, immediate world, as indicated to me by myself wanting to give others a 'heads up' that I share negative information on Facebook, I stop.  I breath.  I do not give in to myself narrating this fear of Loss of Respect for me and thus, I commit myself to not act/react/speak for/as/on-behalf of myself within my fear of Loss of Respect and instead, breath and simply accept a 'friendship request' and/or provide the information that another has requested so that they can connect/network with me.

When and as I see a picture of others in mind as 'talking about me' negatively where 'they' talk amongst themselves about me being 'insane/crazy' or that what I am doing is 'screwed up/not right', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me projecting how I see myself on to others - that, in that moment, I am telling myself that I see myself as insane, crazy, screwed-up, not right, and being negative and within seeing this, I commit myself to suppress this negativity with blaming, becoming angry/frustrated/enraged at others and then telling myself why I am positive and not negative, and to instead, stop, breath, and assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for what I have negatively defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.

When and as I see that I am nervous, worried, and/or anxious when and as I share and/or discuss my Journey To Life, Honest Parent, and/or process blogs with others from my immediate world, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I may be sharing/discussing points that I have not in-fact walked and/or become equal-to - and/or that I am re-acting to something within/as myself at that moment and within either of these possibilities, I commit myself to: Before posting a blog that I am struggling with and/or having a reaction to, to go back and re-read for any points that I have missed, have not yet walked, have not become equal-to and/or any reactions that I am trying to suppress and within this process, I commit myself to not share a blog unless I am clear of a reaction and to instead first walk and show myself that I am equal-to what I am sharing - and by giving this to myself I will remove self-doubt, the need to check myself with others, and establish a relationship of self-trust.  Additionally, when in discussion with another about my writing, I commit myself to stop myself from reacting and to instead, breath, not follow the direction of the inner-dialogue within my mind, be silent, and observe my reactions so that I may assist and support myself to write the self-forgiveness and self-correction for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.


When and as I see that, within my mind, I am playing out others reactions to me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am distracting myself with others instead of bringing these points of reactions back to myself and that by allowing this, I am ignoring myself and not giving myself the opportunity to be/become equal-to and/or understand myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.  Within this, I commit myself to stop blaming others for my reactions to myself by when seeing that I am blaming, to stop, breath, slow myself down and bring the reaction point(s) back to myself so that I can take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up.  And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.

When and as I see myself pushing myself to take a 'leap of faith' from a point of not trusting myself and not 'knowing' what's going to happen and so I place my trust and faith that others 'know' how to be responsible human beings, I stop and I see, realize, and understand that I am abdicating myself by 'putting myself in the hands of another' instead of taking responsibility and investigating myself thoroughly.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that it makes no common sense for me to push/engage with others that I am reacting to with disappointment, anger and distrust because it gets me no where.  So, I commit myself to when I am seeing myself angry, disappointed, and distrustful of others, to not react, to not engage, and to not push myself by breathing, silencing myself, and bringing the points of anger, disappointment and distrust back to myself where I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to stop myself from taking 'leaps of faith' by making sure that I am standing by/as/for what I am expressing with absolute certainty that what I am expressing is me, equal-to me as clear and stable within that which I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog.  I see what you're doing and it makes you happy.  I don't agree with it, though."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'

When and as I see that I am fearing how others react to me which is indicative of me experiencing an energy reaction of anxiety, worry, stress, imagining others relationship to me as me/as I would see my relationship to me as others, and/or anticipating that there will be conflict with others, I stop.  I commit myself to investigating my anxiety, worry, stress, misunderstanding, confusion, and disagreement with myself by writing out my relationships with others and thus finding myself.  I commit myself to practice being honest with myself instead of ignoring, suppressing, deflecting, and pawning my problems off on someone else - within this, I commit myself to giving myself logical, practical, real, and honest answers about myself with writing, investigating, self-forgiving, and requesting perspective/assistance/support when I am 'stuck'.