Day 204: How I Become Hard and Uncaring

This past week, I had the opportunity to communicate with someone that works in the entertainment industry and is very famous.  The purpose of this discussion was to expose the dark side of this world and to show how celebrities are used, manipulated, abused and expected to participate in specific actions to ensure their success, their personal wealth, and for some, their survival and the survival of the people that they care about.  For themselves, they said this was a healing process - that they were breaking the rules - though, for them it was worth it to communicate with the people outside of the world that they exist in as it reminded them of a time when they were normal and the process assisted them to re-align themselves with their humanity.  They said that they were in a unique position of having a group of others around that protected them in a way.

For me, the things that I heard and was shown seem massive.  Like, there are an innumerable amount of points to be sorted out and directed. However, I see how I drive myself when researching new connections and within this, how I do not slow down and support myself with my process through writing - so obviously, I am processing most of this information in my mind which is going to make it seem too big and time consuming to sort through.

More importantly though, I must be self-honest and share that I went into this with some judgments and insecurities.  See, even though I was participating and reminding myself to be open to what was being said and to not make it personal, I saw all of these thoughts about myself running in the background - most (if not all) of which, I attempted to suppress with comforting words like, "This is not me coming through," or, "I am this way, not that that way," or "I am beyond seeing and experiencing myself like this ..."  

I was lost in denial.  So much in-fact that I was determined to show how the personal points that were coming up for me were not actually about me but about something else or something that someone was doing - who they are, how they got to who, what, and where they are, and how the system works.  

I eventually had become angry from all of this and found that I was wanting for this famous individual to take responsibility for what they had done, participated in, and perpetuated.  The consequence of my reactions, suppression, and projections is that my ability to hear and make a connection had been compromised.  I stopped communicating fluidly, I physically felt hardened, and my words became short and sharp.

My head started to hurt which is a flag-point that I use to show myself that I am too much in my thoughts and that I am not getting anywhere by trying to process or sort through what's going on.  For me, it's a reminder to stop participating with the thoughts until I am able to write.  So, the thoughts would come up and I would say, "No.  This is not getting me anywhere," and I then went about arranging myself some space and time to write in my personal journal as these were the points that kept coming up again and again and again - how I was taking this whole thing personal and attempting to pin it on someone or something else and trying to come up with words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, or self-definitions that would make it NOT about me.

I sat down with my journal and I wrote out every thought that was running rampant in mind.  These are some things that I have not wanted to face - childhood experiences, my real beliefs about myself, and how I have always allowed these experiences and beliefs to place me in conflict with myself, confuse, influence, and change who/what I am in any given moment.

Later, when I returned to the discussion and reviewed what had been shared, I saw so many points that I had missed as I was in my thoughts and then reacting. I see that I was fortunate that the entire discussion has been documented on a public platform on the internet - if it had not been, and I had been face-to-face, I would have missed an opportunity to fully understand the presenter and what was being presented.

I also found that when I was no longer in my thoughts nor on the defense in my Ego, that I was able to be more gentle, genuine, and caring.  So, points that I saw were important for me to make were well-received. From this,  I see that I also must stop giving in to this idea that I have to get into places and shake people up which is something that I have been doing for a long time with the belief that it works when in reality it does not.

Day 197: My Way

A point that has repeatedly resurfaced for me throughout time has been me seeing that things must be done 'my way'.  I have seen myself going into this mindset with my children, my other family members, my partnership with my husband, my friends, my career, how I have lived leadership roles, how I work in the system, my education process, and day-to-day living like paying bills and how the house is cleaned.   In my mind, in order for things to be perfect, these things must be done 'just so'.

Image source: rewondered.com

When I have seen reality - when I have seen that I cannot make others do things my way - I have attempted to give up on others, myself, my ideas, my beliefs, and my known way of doing things. However, because my ideas and beliefs about what's best have still existed within me as memories, experiences, and physical ways of doing things that 'work' for me over time, I have never really ever been able give up my ideas, beliefs and ways of doing things - nor have I ever been able to give up on myself and others.

I realize that this giving up never lasts which indicates to me that it's an energetic experience which is not real and then on the other-hand, this having to do things 'my way' is quite real because it is my pre-programming, I have accepted the imprinting of others' words and behaviors, and I have also allowed it to become a part of me because of my utilization of my pre-programming, my participation with the illusions I've created in my mind, and my acting out what I have seen in others when they have gotten things done 'their way'.

As I look at the point, I see that this point exists within all of us - our need for our beliefs to be right and our desire to have our ideas be perfect. So, perhaps I'm not only facing a personal or a interpersonal problem but also an existential predicament.

Because we are physically and mentally separate from each other, we have the tendency to make ourselves the center of existence - we alone live and breath with ourselves day-after-day-after-day.  We may share ourselves and our physical space with others but when it comes down to it, we always only have ourselves within and as us.  Pair that isolation with a mind that records our personal experiences, functions in a constant state of self-preservation and survival, and maintains it's existence by utilizing that energy generated when one gets one own way or not, and our ability to see, be aware of and consider others, beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things is impaired.

Further, when another challenges, opposes, or is not in agreement with our beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things, we can become quite nasty because these are points that we have defined ourselves by, have been living out, and see as who we are - and who we are is what we choose in our own way - and in that respect, is perfect.  And being Perfect As You Are is just another idea that's thickly layered on and around our existing ideas and beliefs to keep them and ourselves in place.

Another dimension I have seen is having to do with insecurity.  I recently listened to a discussion entitled Insecurity: Going Deeper: Introduction - Atlanteans – Part 248 on Eqafe which assisted me to see where and why I created this fear of being wrong or doing something wrong and how my insecurity has been triggered when I have been faced with something where there is a potential for me to mess it up or to get in trouble somehow.

And today, I listened to Everything Must Be Just So - Life Review which opened my eyes up to how I have been attempting to control others and how things go as to avoid insecurity and avoid going into something that is unpredictable, is outside of my comfort zone, is challenging, looks overwhelming or may change something in some way.

Which brings me to the fear of the unknown - the things I don't understand, the things I can not predict the outcome of, and the things that I simply have not known what to do with because I have not familiarized myself with these things and haven't known what to do with or about them.  This is where I have had the tendency to react and to handle these unpredictable things with emotions.

Being emotional hasn't improved my situation much - and even if I did somehow manage get out of not facing a point that I'm not comfortable with by having a tempter tantrum, convincing myself and others that I'm not capable of dealing with the thing, or going into doing these things 'my way', I have not challenged myself to be able to handle whatever life brings and so I have not allowed myself to accept and participate with life.

After investigating all of this, I see that the solution is to breath and not react - and perfect this.  I also see that it's an absolute must to participate with life by understanding, problem-solving, and directing the things that are new, unfamiliar, or seemingly beyond my ability to control.

More to come.

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.

Day 172: Procrastination & Laziness

 

The acts of procrastination and laziness are behaviors that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as for as long as I can remember. When moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of a responsibility, work on an assignment, work on a project, and/or do something that requires actual physical application, I say, “I'll do it later”, “I will get to that at a better time”, “I have plenty of time to get this done” or “This can wait, I'd rather be doing something else right now”. Instead of getting done what I can get done in the moment, I decide to lounge on the furniture, play simple games, or pace around the house in waiting and wanting for something interesting to happen. The result of this procrastination and laziness is that my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects accumulate and as they accumulate more-and-more-and-more, I experience being overwhelmed, tell myself that what's accumulated is 'too much', it is 'too late', and I give up on some things - especially the projects and tasks that will now take a lot of time and physical labor to get done. When it gets to this point of where it's 'too much' or 'too late' and become overwhelmed, I will go into a depression because I see that there is no hope, no point, and that nothing I can do will make any difference. I would like to be a person that gets things done, that is self-disciplined, and self-willed - which causes conflict within me because who I am and how I am accepting and allowing myself to live are not at all aligned with a self-motivated person that actually lives a life here - to the contrary, I have trapped myself with complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more which is not living here but instead in my mind with the past moments that I told myself I'd do later and imagined future-projections where I see myself in my mind with everything done and comfortable with myself and my external environment.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the acts of procrastination and laziness for as long as I can remember - I have seen in my external world many examples of those that are self-disciplined, self-willed, self-motivated and get things done and in my imagination I see how it is possible for me to be this way and yet, I have not physically moved myself to create and be this for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say, “I'll do it later,” “I will get to this at a better time,” “I have plenty of time to get this done,” or “This can wait ... I'd rather be doing something else right now,” when and as moments come up within my day that I can do chores, take care of responsibilities, work on an assignment and/or do something that requires actual physical application and movement. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lounge on the furniture, play games, and/or pace around the house instead of physically moving myself to get things done - I wait around for these things to get done or for a later date when I could get help from a source outside of myself and while I'm waiting, I entertain myself because I am bored while waiting. This makes no sense! Why do I deliberately place myself into situation where I will become bored - Especially when there are so many opportunities to NOT be bored, be productive, and be a contributing member to my family, to those that I work with, and society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my chores, my responsibilities, my assignments, and my projects to accumulate. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and thus experience that the accumulation is 'too much' or 'too late' and then allow myself to give up only because what now needs to be done will require more physical movement than if I had moved myself in the moment to work on and/or get these things done. Here, instead of seeing that this too-muchness and too-lateness is a reaction to a mind-projection where in my mind I take a small point and blow it up into something HUGE - I do not see it for what it is and push myself to move and no longer be mind-controlled, I believe what I am seeing and telling myself within and as my mind. In that moment where I could move myself, I make it quite easy for myself to move away, ignore, and hide from what is required to get done - I mean, if the thought comes up that I 'don't have to do it right now', it makes it REAL right? Obviously NOT given the state of the accumulation that I'm looking at and sorting through. It is interesting how I have never questioned my mind and will believe my mind over and above what I am seeing in actual physical reality - and if I am in agreement with my mind because I am showing myself, as my mind, what I would like to see - what does that tell me about who/what I am?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a mind and physical state of depression after I have told myself time-and-time-again 'it's too much' or 'too late' and have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by accumulation for an extended period of time. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for, access, pull-up, and have an inner-dialogue with myself of, “There is no hope, no point, and there's nothing I can do that will make a difference ...” as an excuse/reason/response that explains to myself why I am not moving myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself - in any way - to become the self-disciplined and self-willed person that I would like to be. Instead, I allowed myself to go into complacency, lethargy, and waiting around for something more - for something to happen in some sort of future-self-projection that would change me to want to and/or suddenly become self-willed and self-disciplined.

Day 171: Is Appearance Everything?

Here continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from self-forgiveness on Day 170: Appearance Is Everything.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see myself becoming possessed/obsessed with/by physical beauty, as indicated by me going into the ways that I can make myself appear beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy to others in order to have an easier life and/or get something I want from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in this Beauty possession/obsession from a point of desiring positive experiences and controlling/manipulating others to get these experiences - and I allow this participation because in my mind as thoughts, imaginations, beliefs, and ideas, I show myself that my life will be easier and I will get the things that I want if I am beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy - which, requires much less effort than actually applying myself to develop skills, educate myself, and expand myself so that I am able to create a life for myself and by myself that I am satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into thoughts, imaginations, and possessions/obsessions with beauty and physical attractiveness by when and as the thoughts and/or imaginations come up in regards to beauty/physical-attractiveness, to make the decision to not participate - and I remind myself that I have been in these thoughts over-and-over-and-over again - it always begins and ends the same with me desiring a specific outcome, me showing myself how I can get this outcome via my physical appearance, and me acting it out in physical reality with real physical consequences. Within this, I commit myself to: instead of going into the ways that I can change/improve my appearance to improve my living, I look at the ways in which I can improve upon and change myself via education, learning new skills, and self-awareness - and to stop limiting myself. I also commit myself to look deeper into why I desire to control and manipulate others by when and as the points come up in-relation to how I can get others to do 'what I want' and/or how I see and/or would like things to work out as per my mind-fantasy, I breathe, slow myself down, observe my thought-process that got me to this point.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to go into the belief that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier, that I will not have to worry about others judging me nor speaking negatively about me, that there will be more opportunities for me, and that I will 'fit in' better, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am seeing how I am/have been allowing my programming to direct me and that I am communicating to myself about how I judge myself, limit myself, and attempt to force my physical body to align with my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty - and I do this from a point of fear - fear of getting to know myself and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into my beliefs about beauty and how it will benefit me if/when/as I allow my programming to direct me to align myself to my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty. First, I remind myself that it's physically impossible to shape my body as per my mind's definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations - I have tried and tried and tried and this has compromised me and my physical body. Next I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the Fears in relation to myself that are coming up. And finally, I allow myself the opportunity to get to know me - as me - instead of me as an image that I am attempting to project.

When and as I see that I am seeking out positive energetic experience via Beauty and/or fleeing from negative energetic experiences via 'Ugly' as indicated by me going into looking at ways that I can be more physically attractive to others and attempting to hide/mask/suppress/alter what I see about myself that is/may be unattractive to others, I stop and breath. I realize that I am limiting myself when and as I participate in these behaviors, patterns and polarities. I additionally realize that I am not standing and directing myself to create an admirable life for myself by paying attention to myself, accepting myself, respecting myself, and caring for myself.

I commit myself to stop seeking out positive energetic experiences of attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love from others and within this, stop attempting to make myself more physically attractive to others - and I commit myself to stop fleeing from the fear of having a negative experience of disregard, being ignored, being loathed, being bullied and/or being 'cast-out' by others. Instead of entering into negative and positive polarities and allowing myself to be directed by my mind in response to my wants, desires, fears, beliefs, and ideas, I allow myself to trust myself to direct myself in an admirable way - as what is best - and within this, trust my ability to pay attention to myself, accept myself, respect myself, and care for myself.

Day 166: Be Brutally Honest With Me - Part 1

"CONSUMED By The Idea of Yourself" - Charcoal and Chalk Pastel on Paper, 11x14inch, by Andrew Gable

Recently, a friend asked me to be ‘more honest’ with them than I’d ‘ever been before’ regarding my recollection of details of a past event that they were sorting through. I agreed to this and gave my friend all of the information that I could remember in relation to the event. I assumed that the truth would assist my friend to sort out, understand, and work on solutions for problems that emerged from the past event – this was not the case though. My friend, instead became depressed, would not talk with me the next day, became angry with me, and ultimately decided to end the friendship. I experienced shock for several days because it did not go the way I thought it would go because in mind, I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, and that good people are honest and speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because honest truth will save you … it will set you free. So, here again, I automatically act on the belief system that I have integrated into and as me. Someone asks for honesty, I answer them honestly. I do not question it – I just go right into it! And I do this again and again and again even though my being honest NEVER produces the positive result that I imagine.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be brutally honest with a friend when I was aware that their mental state was unstable as indicated by their emotional, pleading, and desperate tone of voice and expression with words that indicated depression on the phone. I believed that if I gave my friend what they were asking for – a brutally honest account of events and personal experiences – that this would assist them to stabilize. Instead of actually assisting and supporting my friend by asking questions, hearing them, allowing myself to fully understand the situation, directing the points to discussion and within this, getting them to a place where they are clear and stable, I automatically responded to a friend’s request without considering how the outcome of my brutal honesty would actually result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that the honest truth would assist a friend to sort out, understand, and work on solution or problems – in my mind I saw us looking at the information in a practical way, sorting through it together, getting to really understanding why this particular event occurred in the first place, and share perspectives on possible solutions. Because I was running the scenario quickly through my mind and seeing only how everything would work out and be a ‘bonding experience’, I did not consider the reality of a friend in that moment who required my attention, assistance, and support with hearing, understanding, and directing from a point of what’s best for the friend rather than what I show myself is going to work out for ME in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shock because a situation that I had worked out in my mind according to my beliefs about honesty, does not actually work in physical reality. Instead of seeing what I do, seeing the consequences, writing out my beliefs that I participate in, and self-correcting myself, I go into my mind to try to figure out ‘what am I doing or did wrong’ and ‘why am I not good enough’ as this distracts me from me showing myself that my beliefs are not real at all - my beliefs are blown to pieces in one moment – and I do not want to face the fact that what I believe about honesty is a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that honesty brings people closer together, that honesty is the best policy, that good people are honest, and that good people speak the truth no matter what the consequences are because the God’s Honest Truth will save you and set you free. Regardless of the fact that I see over and over and over again that honesty and being honest is/does none of these things, I believe it – I want to believe it. I want to believe it because I experience a positive feeling of hope for myself and my fellow human beings. I want to give honesty this power and authority because if I do and if it works out then we’re all okay! I mean, that’s the agreement right? If we’re honest then there won’t be so many consequences if any at all. WRONG. And if I had allowed myself to see, remember, and be aware instead of keeping myself in this belief bubble about honesty, I would have seen that these beliefs about honesty are some of the biggest lies I’ve told myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically act on the belief system that I have connected to Honesty – I do not slow down and go through the steps of asking myself questions nor do I direct myself in the best way – nope, I just go for it! If someone outside of me asks me for honesty, I tell them as much detail as I can remember which is often broken up so I go backwards and forwards on the timeline of events – which, as I look at it here is more like messy mind purging and less like clear communication of events. So, I do this mind-purge in addition to not directing a discussion to investigating and practicality – and I’ve never allowed myself to look at my behavior and changed it, no, I expect the person whom I’m in communication with to ‘take it as it is’ and ‘deal with it’. And meanwhile, my body is buzzing, I’m shaking, my chest is tight and my solar-plexus is in knots with fears and reactions because I’m not taking responsibility for myself, not respecting myself, and not being honest with myself.

Day 165: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from writing and Self-Forgiveness on Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am and/or attempting to place my trust in others as per my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations in relation to Trust, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am forcing and/or attempting to force myself as my mind onto others as a way to try to manipulate, control, and influence others to act in a way that benefits me as a mind and gives my mind ‘life’ and makes my imaginations, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and definitions real.  Additionally, I realize that, with my imagination I construct, accept, and allow what works best for me and me alone, so to continue to accept and allow myself to manipulate and control others with Trust is selfish, one-dimensional, and does not align with my decision to expand my awareness and actually care for the beings outside of myself.

I commit myself to stopping placing my trust in others by reminding myself of the nature/starting-point of myself within and as my desire to place my trust in others in the first place which is for my benefit only – as a being and as a mind – to manipulate and control others so that I do not have to change.  Instead, I direct myself to change, to be the change, and to actually allow myself to care for others with the decision, into a moment of breath, to not knowingly manipulate and attempt to control others.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to do ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this belief is SO not realistic and all deception – I mean, if it was aligned with me as equality and oneness, as who I am at a beingness-level,  and what’s actually best, I wouldn't have tried over-and-over-and-over again to make myself believe that Trust, as per my romantic-imagination-mind definitions, is real.

I commit myself to stop attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to ‘do what’s right’ or ‘do what’s best’ by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into the deception and self-separation – and, instead, allow my awareness to expand to see the world and all of us beings within/on/as it and acting for/in/as a way that is best for us all as a group – this is real trust.

When and as I see that I am living or attempting to live by my self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ as ‘what is best for ME’ by intentionally directing a situation in a way that avoids conflict, emotional turmoil, someone taking something personal, and/or any negative outcome so that I am not ‘inconvenienced’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is for my own benefit and does not assist and support myself and/or others to expand situations/events/problems with understanding and coming to solutions, as inter-personally and as a group, that are agreed are best and workable for all.

I commit myself to no longer live out a self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ and instead live ‘what’s best for all’ as directing myself and myself within potential conflict situations with assisting and supporting myself and others to investigate the problem, placing solutions that are worthwhile and/or equally beneficial to everyone, and living/walking/being the solution.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make others happy and/or make it possible for others to have a positive experience with me as to build Trust, I stop and breathe.  First, I realize that I am attempting to manipulate others into a Trust relationship with me and second, I realize that it’s not practical, realistic, nor possible to make anyone outside of myself do/feel/think/be any way that is not their decisions to do/feel/think/be. 

I commit myself to stop attempting to make others happy and/or try to create positive experiences for people for my own benefit.  I remind myself that happiness and positive experiences are energetic reactions, energy never lasts and so the happiness and positive feelings do not last – it is not real.  It is actually physically impossible to make another and/or be a catalyst of others happiness and positivity for the long-term.  So, instead of using my time to manifest Trust from manipulation, deception, and physical impossibilities, I commit myself to work on changing my self-communication and interpersonal communication from self-interest for positive energy to awareness, understanding, clarity, and specificity.

When and as I see myself going into the negative polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others, abdicating my responsibility for others, and not allowing myself to be/become aware of the possible consequential outcomes of my actions and words within and as interpersonal communication, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am acting/speaking as if I have free will and/or a choice to walk away from the messes I leave behind with the assumption/expectation that others are responsible to sort through the mess and clean it up for themselves – when the reality is that it’s not best if I walk away and do not take responsibility for others because of the mess, as consequence and as the things I ‘try to forget’, will keep building and building and growing and growing until the stuff is so deep that I have to face it.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my words and actions by allowing myself to be aware of the potential consequential outflows and by working on directing myself accordingly as what’s best for all – within this I will be taking responsibility for others by not creating a platform for others to accumulate unnecessary consequence for themselves. It’s a win-win – the less consequence I create for myself, the less mistakes I have to go back and fix, and the more this frees all of us up to work on what’s immediately here rather than adding more on to what we already are required to do.

When and as I see that I am wanting and/or desiring to place myself as my Trust in the hands of another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing to prove that my romantic-mind-imagination of Trust is real and to prove that physical reality is not real/wrong, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am approaching Trust via my mind’s filter where I disregard what I am shown in physical reality and where I do not value myself as Life as indicated by my willingness to give pieces/parts of myself to something else to maintain an imagination and/or illusion.

I commit myself to stop filtering Trust via my romantic-mind-imagination filter and within this commitment I will assist and support myself with my process of stopping myself from separating myself from myself.  When and as the romantic-mind-imaginations of Trust come up, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate and I do not go there – I commit myself to no longer feed this imagination with energy and allow myself to let go of this imagination and to no longer exist within and as me.

I commit myself to STOP living out my mind-fantasy of Trust which directs me to look for Trust ‘somewhere out-there outside of myself’.  When and as I see that I am going into my mind-fantasy of Trust as indicated by me separating myself from myself with that searching, imagination wandering, and desire to find ‘that perfect person whom I can trust’, I stop, I breathe, and say, “No more.”  Instead of allowing myself to go into my mind in such moments, I allow myself to be here, breathing, slowing myself down, listen to my self-communication, and within this, using my imagination to explore and investigate possible ways that I can direct myself as to prove to myself that I can be trusted with myself and so, slowly and surely develop a relationship with myself built on self-trust.

Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1

It Seems So Easy In My Mind
By Andrew Gable

I see that I very much want to place my trust in others because I have a romantic idea of trust where, in my mind, I see the perfect trust as: trusting that others will always do the ‘right’ thing within considering what would have the best outcome for everyone.  Looking deeper, I see that within this ‘best’ or ‘right’ outcome, that the person should/would consider the experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings, and  reactions of all the individuals that are included-in and/or are effected by what one does as to not create conflict, problems, or ‘hurting another’s feelings’.  I realize that my romantic ideal of Trust is not realistic nor is it practical and I understand that it is impossible to ‘make everyone happy’ in their minds and I have also come to realize that we are responsible for our individual experiences, thoughts, feelings, and reactions – and here, instead of allowing myself to be aware of how my thoughts, words, and actions affect others and directing myself from that awareness, I have gone into the opposite polarity of abdicating my responsibility to others by hoping and attempting to trust that others will take responsibility for their experiences, thoughts, emotions, feelings, and reactions, regardless of what myself and others say and/or do. So, I have used information and knowledge with my romantic idea of Trust and not done anything and still trusting that others will do the ‘right thing’- I see that I have changed the context of my imagination in regards to Trust in my mind rather than investigating Trust and looking at why I attempt to place my trust in others when I have learned in real physical time that to do so ends with self-dishonesty and self-distrust.  It is clear, however, that I am required to stop living out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that exists separate from me in my external world and use my imagination of Trust as a starting point for self-communication and establishing self-trust that I will direct my words, actions, and thoughts in a way that is best for all.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others as to act-on and/or act-in-response-to my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations, and beliefs in relation to Trust – within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see and realize that forcing myself as my mind onto others is me attempting to manipulate, control and influence others with what I have come to believe is Perfect Trust – a belief and definition that I constructed within/as/from the starting point of how I can benefit in the best way for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make myself believe that others will always do the ‘right thing’ or ‘the best thing’, regardless that I observed and experienced over-and-over-and-over-again that others rarely, if ever, do the ‘right thing’ or the ‘best thing’ as per my mind’s judgment of ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’ and/or what is actually supportive for all – as an equal opportunity to have a life worth living – in physical reality.  I have not allowed myself to see how messed up my version of Trust is – it’s all about ME, what benefits ME, what’s right for ME, what’s best for ME, ME, ME, ME!!! When all along, Trust has nothing to do with me as an individual personality and everything to do with what is best for each and every one of us as a group living here on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and live by the principle that ‘what is best’ is to handle, be mindful of, and direct situations where the outcome prevents conflict, emotional turmoil, and/or any negativity on an individualized, personal level.   My starting point here is not from actual caring for someone’s reactions, it’s from my extensive hatred of conflict, emotional outbursts, and blame-projections – to place it simply: It makes me and/or the ‘others I Trust’ look bad if someone has a negative experience as a result of something that me and/or the ‘Person That I Trust’, is perceived as responsible for the negative outcome – and this is inconvenient for me because I do not like ‘looking bad’ OR taking the time to go back, investigate ‘what went wrong’, fix the mistakes myself and others have made, and work out solutions that all are in agreement on.  So here, again, I defined ‘what’s best for all’ as ‘what’s best for ME’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect Trust to ‘making everyone happy’ where if I can do something in such a way that ‘makes everyone happy’ with no negative reactions and/or outflows then I see myself as being seen by others as Trustworthy and someone that others can come to ‘make everything okay’.  Regardless of my awareness that it is not practical, realistic, nor possible to ‘make’ anyone do/feel/think/be any way that I would like, I continue to try.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the opposite polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others and abdicating my responsibility to others by saying, “I am not responsible for them.  It’s not my fault they are reacting.  It’s their responsibility to direct the points that come up for them,” as if I should be able to do, say, and think as a please and leave the consequential mess for someone else to sort through and clean up. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question why I place my Trust in others – regardless of the fact that reality has shown me time-and-time-again that me placing my Trust in others ends with me experiencing self-dishonesty and self-distrust, I do not investigate why it’s not working out for me and I do not test out other ways of being.  It’s become automatic where I want to give others my trust to such an extent that it’s a physical expression of handing someone my heart, myself as everything I believe and stand-for, and my life – I want someone to prove that my imagination of Perfect Trust is real and I’m willing to give up pieces of myself as Life as physical substance to get this proof.  Here I have not seen the obvious: that I am filtering this desire/want/need through and as my mind as indicated by my willingness to give up pieces of myself as Life so that I can maintain and hold-onto an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that can be found in the external world that’s separate from me rather than allowing myself to see, explore, learn for myself what Trust really is and how it can be applied in the external world, via my actions and decisions, that are best for all.  If I had not allowed myself to become distracted by trying to find Trust ‘somewhere out there’, I may have seen and realized that I could have just as easily worked on developing Trust within, as, and for myself by allowing myself to listen-to, communicate-with, and build a relationship-with myself.

Day 100: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 13

Continuing here with Self-Commitments.
For other posts within my Journey To Life Review - Day 1, see:


Day 99: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 12
Day 98: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 11
Day 97: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 10
Day 96: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 9
Day 95: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 8
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5
Day 91: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 4
Day 90: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 3
Day 89: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 2
Day 88: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 1

I commit myself to stopping feeding my fears and 'believing what I hear' from outside information that I have not investigated for myself. When and as I am presented with an opinion or belief that I am not familiar with, I no longer allow myself to integrate this information into/as myself and instead move myself to investigate what I am hearing and from there, decide if I am in agreement or not in agreement.

I commit myself to standing up for myself and stopping myself from allowing another to stand up for me, make my decisions, and direct me in my daily movement when and as I am able to do so on my own.

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow another to face and/or clean up the messes of my consequences for me.

I commit myself to stopping myself from getting caught up in my own self-interests and ignoring the nastiness in this world - and thus I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to believe things like guns, greed, violence, abuse, poverty, and war are necessary evils in our world and simply the 'Nature of Things' and that 'someone else will take care of it if it gets out of control' - an instead, stand up and do what I am able to assist and support my world and the others in my world to change these things that are NOT supposed to be here.

I commit myself to stopping myself as using my world, the state of my world, and the 'dangerous, untrustworthy' beings in it as an excuse to not stand up, live my Words, and be a participant in creating a world that is worthy for each other, our children, and all other life on this planet

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling myself that 'I Am Irresponsible' as this is not true and another excuse that I've used and allowed myself to define myself as so that I can have a back-door out of my Word. As I live as my commitments, this definition of myself cannot exist.

I commit myself to stopping myself from telling and showing myself that I do not deserve a better quality of living by, when and as I see that I am punishing myself within and as my secret mind, I investigate my life and where I programmed myself to tell, show, and believe these things.