Day 165: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 2

Here continuing with Self-Correction and Self-Commitment from writing and Self-Forgiveness on Day 164: Trust - A Romantic-Mind-Fantasy - Part 1.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am and/or attempting to place my trust in others as per my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations in relation to Trust, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am forcing and/or attempting to force myself as my mind onto others as a way to try to manipulate, control, and influence others to act in a way that benefits me as a mind and gives my mind ‘life’ and makes my imaginations, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and definitions real.  Additionally, I realize that, with my imagination I construct, accept, and allow what works best for me and me alone, so to continue to accept and allow myself to manipulate and control others with Trust is selfish, one-dimensional, and does not align with my decision to expand my awareness and actually care for the beings outside of myself.

I commit myself to stopping placing my trust in others by reminding myself of the nature/starting-point of myself within and as my desire to place my trust in others in the first place which is for my benefit only – as a being and as a mind – to manipulate and control others so that I do not have to change.  Instead, I direct myself to change, to be the change, and to actually allow myself to care for others with the decision, into a moment of breath, to not knowingly manipulate and attempt to control others.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to do ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is best’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this belief is SO not realistic and all deception – I mean, if it was aligned with me as equality and oneness, as who I am at a beingness-level,  and what’s actually best, I wouldn't have tried over-and-over-and-over again to make myself believe that Trust, as per my romantic-imagination-mind definitions, is real.

I commit myself to stop attempting to make myself believe that I can trust others to ‘do what’s right’ or ‘do what’s best’ by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into the deception and self-separation – and, instead, allow my awareness to expand to see the world and all of us beings within/on/as it and acting for/in/as a way that is best for us all as a group – this is real trust.

When and as I see that I am living or attempting to live by my self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ as ‘what is best for ME’ by intentionally directing a situation in a way that avoids conflict, emotional turmoil, someone taking something personal, and/or any negative outcome so that I am not ‘inconvenienced’, I stop and breathe.  I realize that this is for my own benefit and does not assist and support myself and/or others to expand situations/events/problems with understanding and coming to solutions, as inter-personally and as a group, that are agreed are best and workable for all.

I commit myself to no longer live out a self-interested definition of ‘what is best for all’ and instead live ‘what’s best for all’ as directing myself and myself within potential conflict situations with assisting and supporting myself and others to investigate the problem, placing solutions that are worthwhile and/or equally beneficial to everyone, and living/walking/being the solution.

When and as I see that I am attempting to make others happy and/or make it possible for others to have a positive experience with me as to build Trust, I stop and breathe.  First, I realize that I am attempting to manipulate others into a Trust relationship with me and second, I realize that it’s not practical, realistic, nor possible to make anyone outside of myself do/feel/think/be any way that is not their decisions to do/feel/think/be. 

I commit myself to stop attempting to make others happy and/or try to create positive experiences for people for my own benefit.  I remind myself that happiness and positive experiences are energetic reactions, energy never lasts and so the happiness and positive feelings do not last – it is not real.  It is actually physically impossible to make another and/or be a catalyst of others happiness and positivity for the long-term.  So, instead of using my time to manifest Trust from manipulation, deception, and physical impossibilities, I commit myself to work on changing my self-communication and interpersonal communication from self-interest for positive energy to awareness, understanding, clarity, and specificity.

When and as I see myself going into the negative polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others, abdicating my responsibility for others, and not allowing myself to be/become aware of the possible consequential outcomes of my actions and words within and as interpersonal communication, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am acting/speaking as if I have free will and/or a choice to walk away from the messes I leave behind with the assumption/expectation that others are responsible to sort through the mess and clean it up for themselves – when the reality is that it’s not best if I walk away and do not take responsibility for others because of the mess, as consequence and as the things I ‘try to forget’, will keep building and building and growing and growing until the stuff is so deep that I have to face it.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my words and actions by allowing myself to be aware of the potential consequential outflows and by working on directing myself accordingly as what’s best for all – within this I will be taking responsibility for others by not creating a platform for others to accumulate unnecessary consequence for themselves. It’s a win-win – the less consequence I create for myself, the less mistakes I have to go back and fix, and the more this frees all of us up to work on what’s immediately here rather than adding more on to what we already are required to do.

When and as I see that I am wanting and/or desiring to place myself as my Trust in the hands of another from the starting point of desiring/wanting/needing to prove that my romantic-mind-imagination of Trust is real and to prove that physical reality is not real/wrong, I stop and breathe.  I realize that I am approaching Trust via my mind’s filter where I disregard what I am shown in physical reality and where I do not value myself as Life as indicated by my willingness to give pieces/parts of myself to something else to maintain an imagination and/or illusion.

I commit myself to stop filtering Trust via my romantic-mind-imagination filter and within this commitment I will assist and support myself with my process of stopping myself from separating myself from myself.  When and as the romantic-mind-imaginations of Trust come up, I stop, I breathe, and I do not participate and I do not go there – I commit myself to no longer feed this imagination with energy and allow myself to let go of this imagination and to no longer exist within and as me.

I commit myself to STOP living out my mind-fantasy of Trust which directs me to look for Trust ‘somewhere out-there outside of myself’.  When and as I see that I am going into my mind-fantasy of Trust as indicated by me separating myself from myself with that searching, imagination wandering, and desire to find ‘that perfect person whom I can trust’, I stop, I breathe, and say, “No more.”  Instead of allowing myself to go into my mind in such moments, I allow myself to be here, breathing, slowing myself down, listen to my self-communication, and within this, using my imagination to explore and investigate possible ways that I can direct myself as to prove to myself that I can be trusted with myself and so, slowly and surely develop a relationship with myself built on self-trust.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.

Day 137: Adderall or Life?

In the next several blogs I will be sharing the process I've walked with Adderall and some perspective, realizations, and research that I have found in relation to ADD and ADHD.

Adderall is a drug that is prescribed for ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and Narcolepsy.  I was able to get a prescription for this drug because I have been diagnosed with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) by a Psychologist.

What IS Adderall?

Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine Mixed Salts or simply Amphetamine Salts sold under the brand name Adderall.


When I took Adderall, I experienced alertness, sociability, happiness, irritability, a significant weight loss, a rush of relief and a general feeling of being able to make it through my day and be okay.

The Problem of Adderall

I decided to stop taking Adderall for many reasons with the most important being that the drug was not supportive for my physical body and there was an increased risk of speeding the aging process and developing Parkinsons disease later in life.  When I made my decision, I was at a point in my process where I saw that it was time for me to choose whether or not I was going to use my time here to the best of my physical and mental ability and whether I would be a part of Life or not.  I chose to be here for as long as possible and to not speed up the process of death so that I could be a part of the change for a New World. Additionally, I had become addicted to the drug as I had convinced myself that I could not function normally in the world without it.

The Solution

I took 1-2 pills per day on-and-off for about 3 years.  After I had made my decision and my bottle of pills was low, I began taking 1/2 of a pill twice a day and then 1/2 to 1/4 once per day until the bottle was empty.  I did not call in to have my prescription re-filled.  It was within this time that I began assisting and supporting myself with writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.  I also was given full support as well as an education about Addiction via my Desteni I Process lessons.  When and as other points related to desiring Adderall emerge, I get support, I work on my self-realization process, I refine my self-correction, and I apply myself.

The Reward

Because I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to be dependent on the drug or tell myself that I require the drug to survive in this world, I no longer make excuses, justifications and reasons for my continued use of a substance that is harmful to my physical and mental health.  This self-limitation is being removed.  I no longer experience the side-effect of irritability with myself because I made a self-honest decision that was best for myself and who I would like to be.  I am no longer taking a chemical that makes everything feel good or that fixes what I see as problems - instead, I am facing the points that come up and supporting myself with investigation, asking questions, testing answers, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.



In the following posts, I will be sharing what's been walked so far.

Day 136: Guarding My Thoughts and Words

When and as I see myself reacting to a topic, situation, or event within which I experience a compulsion to speak, I stop - I place a guard on my thoughts and words.  I do not participate - I remove myself if I must, get myself stable with breathing and then write out the topic, situation, or event and what I am seeing as a problem within the topic, situation, or event.  From here, I self-forgive for why I am reacting and what I want to say - which, I see, realize and understand is actually what I want to say to myself and work out a solution for. 

I commit myself to stop speaking when and as I experience a compulsion by allowing myself to be aware of myself within and as compulsion as indicated by imaginations that play into my fear, increased blood-pressure, movement in my solar-plexus, and jerky physical movements. 

I commit myself to further practice perfecting putting a guard on my thoughts and words by allowing myself to slow myself down so that I can stop myself when and as I am faced with a physical, mental, and/or emotional reaction. 

When and as I see that I am putting myself in-conflict with myself as indicated by the amount of thought, effort, time, justifications, and reasons for my actions, reactions, and my allowance of myself existing in-conflict with myself and others, I STOP.  I see, realize, and understand that this self-dishonesty takes a lot more time and effort to keep up and/or maintain and that it is best to make it simple for myself by taking a moment to write out what's going on and bring the points that emerge within this back to myself with self-forgiveness.

 

I commit myself to stopping placing myself in-conflict with myself by re-Minding myself that it takes a great deal more effort and time to justify my actions with reasons for 'why I did what I did' - additionally, I re-Mind myself that any reaction that I have after a thought is a response to fear -- that my thoughts are showing me who/what I am and because I fear what I am showing myself, I attempt to separate myself with a reaction when and as I say, 'Oh, that's not me ... let me show myself why'.

Within this,
I commit myself to watch my thoughts and to investigate where these thoughts are coming from by allowing myself to slow myself so that I can actually see/hear my thoughts and then look-back at my memories which will assist and support me in seeing and understanding where my thoughts are actually coming from and why. 

Day 122: How Could You Do This To Me?? -- Self-Correction

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 3

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
In this blog, I am walking Day 122: Self-Correction



When and as I see that I am playing-out memories of past traumatic events and experiences, I stop.  I see, realize and understand that I am replaying these memories so that I can re-live myself being hurt, angry and vulnerable to show myself how/why others cannot be trusted and counted for support.  Instead of projecting myself within/as/from my past onto others, I bring these points of self-communications back to myself where I take responsibility rather than saying, "How could you do this to me?" which is blame and fleeing away.

When and as I see that I'm recalling my past experiences to show myself or to prove to myself that I am a bad person, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I cannot change my experiences in the past nor can I change who/what I was.  I remind myself that the past does not define who/what I am and that who/what I am can be determined here in breath where I remove what is bad and keep what is good.

When and as I see that I am going into my history to try out different 'if-then' scenarios where I try to correct past mistakes with, "If I had done THIS, then THAT would have happened," I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that when I do this I am programming myself for a future response that will be within/as my own self-interest - additionally within this, I see that this is in-part of how I create desire within and as myself where I fear that I will miss out on an opportunity for myself to live out my 'if-then' imaginations.  I see that breaking myself of the 'if-then' habit will assist and support me in breaking free from my patterns, programming, and stopping myself from becoming different characters/personalities.

When and as I see that I am attempting to force others into my definitions of what they 'should be' depending on what role they have in my living, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this not only creates unreal expectations of others but that it also creates conflict within and outside of myself.

When and as I see that I am waiting for or expecting some sort of an apology and/or sorry-ness from another outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is pointless and that I can not control what others do or say.  Instead of trying to control others with a single-point that I'm obsessing over, I re-direct myself to bring that point back to myself where I self-forgive and self-correct as I see, realize, and understand that the only being that I can move/direct/change is myself.

When and as I see that I am looking outside of myself for another to provide a pre-defined/imagined safety, caring, and relationship of trust, I stop.  Instead of expecting, hoping, and/or desiring for another to give me safety, caring, and/or a relationship of trust, I continue to investigate ways of giving these to myself and to support a solution that will give all the opportunity to do the same.

Day 121: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Forgiveness

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 2

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
In this blog, I am walking Day 121: Self-Forgiveness



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to play-out the memory of myself within a shocking/traumatic event to incite thoughts of betrayal and being unloved to which I react with experiencing myself again-and-again as hurt, vulnerable, and angry.  Additionally, I use this memory to prove that others cannot be trusted and that, when I am experiencing a traumatic, shocking, and/or stressful event, the only person countable for support and assistance is myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I deserve to be hurt, betrayed, and unloved because of my bad behavior - because I have been bad, I tell myself that I have brought these things onto myself and that if I had been good that I would have earned better treatment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force others into my definition of what a loving person is.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and force myself into my definition of what a loving person is.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood the great amount of conflict that I have created for myself by forcing myself and trying to force others into being something that is not real and that none of us are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect an apology from outside of myself instead of bringing this point back to myself and forgiving myself for the extensive amount of trauma that I make myself re-live over-and-over-and-over again.  Instead of facing my memories and releasing these memories with writing and forgiveness, I choose to cling to my memories as a reminder of why others deserve my spite, my anger, and my aggression as well as to remind myself why I deserve to receive spite, anger, and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the memories of myself within traumatic events because I fear that I will forget and that I will 'set myself up' to get hurt again.  Within and as this fear of loss, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am manifesting these fear within my mind where I continue to hurt myself time-and-time-and-time-again - so, this fear is in-fact useless, has not protected me, and has not changed anything in my living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that another outside of myself can provide safety, care, and trust.  Because of this image/belief that I created, I have been on the constant look-out for another that I can depend on to provide this for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for another to keep me safe, cared for, and show that others outside of myself can be trusted.  Within and as this desire, I have made decisions that are not in the best interest of anyone - including myself - and I have created undesirable consequences.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, nor understand that the safety, caring, and trust that I'm looking for outside of myself are actually the points that I must bring/give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and separate myself from my memories and because of this separation, attempting to ignore, and running-away-from, I have not allowed myself to change my ways of living to establish my well-being, self-care, self-trust, and self-love.

Day 111: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 9

By MFM Art

Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8, Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7,  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.

Consequence Dimension:

I see, realize, and understand the consequences of me accepting and allowing myself to follow my mind curiosity where I give into my desire for knowledge and information which leads to myself placing myself in situations that it would be best to not compromise myself and/or others in - when and as I am in this energy possessed state, I do not consider how my actions and/or words will effect myself, my self-development and others outside of myself.  Within this, because my starting point is from desire, I often lead myself to that 'place of no return' where if I have a moment of clarity I will continue doing what I have decided to do because I have already set myself in-motion - here, I begin experiencing a great amount of regret which I try to cover-up by justifying my motivation as being 'what's best' when it's really not.  Instead of allowing myself to stand up and say, "No - I'm not going there," I continue to stay in my pattern of taking the bait, going on an energy high, compromising myself, reacting in fear, covering up the negativity of myself that emerges, telling myself that my actions have no consequence/effect on myself and others, and then continuing the cycle again.

And so, I see, realize, and understand the Consequences that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring into my world and to myself as a result of me giving into an energy high addiction and then try to hide my fear, guilt, and regret with my 'It's going to be fine' character personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself without consideration for myself and my relationship with others into a 'place of no return' where instead of taking this moment as an opportunity to change where I make a decision that considers the outcome for myself and my relationship with myself and others, I placed my desires/wants/needs as imagined positive energy experiences that I created in my mind before physical, practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop this behavior pattern when and as I first saw the consequences during the first time that I participated in my mind curiosity where I could have woken up immediately and realized what I am doing to myself, my own life, and my relationships with others and from here, immediately made the decision to no more accept and allow it but to stick to my self-commitment to change, establish self-trust, and be a person with integrity.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change and instead manipulate myself with reactions of fear, regret, and guilt from where I create another character personality as the 'It's Going To Be Fine' and within this character personality blame others outside of myself in response to the voices in my head as, "Deal with it," without seeing, realizing, and understanding that I am in-fact angry and frustrated with myself for doing something that could compromise my integrity and my relationship with others because I did not stop, slow myself down, and consider all of the consequences of my desired actions before making a decision to follow-through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within and as my curiosity and continue to abdicate my responsibility and 'play naive/dumb' within this behavior when I know exactly what I am doing, accepting, and allowing - and further more how I go to the extent of blaming others 'for not allowing me to be free do what I want' and create additional characters of 'It's Going To Be Fine' and 'Deal With it' - rather than face the situation self-honestly and the consequences that I've manifested.  Instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in, I hide within and as my mind.

Will continue.