Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.