Day 171: Is Appearance Everything?

Here continuing with self-correction and self-commitment statements from self-forgiveness on Day 170: Appearance Is Everything.

SELF-CORRECTION AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see myself becoming possessed/obsessed with/by physical beauty, as indicated by me going into the ways that I can make myself appear beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy to others in order to have an easier life and/or get something I want from others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am participating in this Beauty possession/obsession from a point of desiring positive experiences and controlling/manipulating others to get these experiences - and I allow this participation because in my mind as thoughts, imaginations, beliefs, and ideas, I show myself that my life will be easier and I will get the things that I want if I am beautiful/pretty/attractive/sexy - which, requires much less effort than actually applying myself to develop skills, educate myself, and expand myself so that I am able to create a life for myself and by myself that I am satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into thoughts, imaginations, and possessions/obsessions with beauty and physical attractiveness by when and as the thoughts and/or imaginations come up in regards to beauty/physical-attractiveness, to make the decision to not participate - and I remind myself that I have been in these thoughts over-and-over-and-over again - it always begins and ends the same with me desiring a specific outcome, me showing myself how I can get this outcome via my physical appearance, and me acting it out in physical reality with real physical consequences. Within this, I commit myself to: instead of going into the ways that I can change/improve my appearance to improve my living, I look at the ways in which I can improve upon and change myself via education, learning new skills, and self-awareness - and to stop limiting myself. I also commit myself to look deeper into why I desire to control and manipulate others by when and as the points come up in-relation to how I can get others to do 'what I want' and/or how I see and/or would like things to work out as per my mind-fantasy, I breathe, slow myself down, observe my thought-process that got me to this point.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to go into the belief that if I am beautiful, as per my mind's definition of physical beauty, that my life will be easier, that I will not have to worry about others judging me nor speaking negatively about me, that there will be more opportunities for me, and that I will 'fit in' better, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am seeing how I am/have been allowing my programming to direct me and that I am communicating to myself about how I judge myself, limit myself, and attempt to force my physical body to align with my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty - and I do this from a point of fear - fear of getting to know myself and express myself.

I commit myself to stop going into my beliefs about beauty and how it will benefit me if/when/as I allow my programming to direct me to align myself to my mind definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations of physical beauty. First, I remind myself that it's physically impossible to shape my body as per my mind's definitions/pictures/ideas/imaginations/expectations - I have tried and tried and tried and this has compromised me and my physical body. Next I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction for the Fears in relation to myself that are coming up. And finally, I allow myself the opportunity to get to know me - as me - instead of me as an image that I am attempting to project.

When and as I see that I am seeking out positive energetic experience via Beauty and/or fleeing from negative energetic experiences via 'Ugly' as indicated by me going into looking at ways that I can be more physically attractive to others and attempting to hide/mask/suppress/alter what I see about myself that is/may be unattractive to others, I stop and breath. I realize that I am limiting myself when and as I participate in these behaviors, patterns and polarities. I additionally realize that I am not standing and directing myself to create an admirable life for myself by paying attention to myself, accepting myself, respecting myself, and caring for myself.

I commit myself to stop seeking out positive energetic experiences of attention, admiration, acceptance, respect, and love from others and within this, stop attempting to make myself more physically attractive to others - and I commit myself to stop fleeing from the fear of having a negative experience of disregard, being ignored, being loathed, being bullied and/or being 'cast-out' by others. Instead of entering into negative and positive polarities and allowing myself to be directed by my mind in response to my wants, desires, fears, beliefs, and ideas, I allow myself to trust myself to direct myself in an admirable way - as what is best - and within this, trust my ability to pay attention to myself, accept myself, respect myself, and care for myself.

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

I continue to hear, "You're not doing enough.  You need to do more."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I hear that things are not going the way that I anticipated - and that it's caused by lack of participation and not meeting commitments.  I tell myself that I must be the one that's not doing enough and that this message is for me and for others like me that don't participate and/or possibly not contribute as much as others toward a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "You're not doing enough," and "I'm not doing enough," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not doing enough - In my mind I have a quota of tasks that I would like to complete on a daily basis that I tell myself would satisfy me 'doing enough'.  So, if I am not meeting every task that I tell myself are the basics that I should be doing every day, then I tell myself that I'm "not doing enough" and show myself within my imagination what would make me better, good enough, and doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.  Instead of being honest with myself that I am in-fact angry at myself, I tell myself that someone else is 'the problem' and allow other unsupportive backchat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time required to sit down and restructure my living after some changes.  I have not allowed myself to structure and re-direct myself in a self-honest way so that I am not longer reacting to hearing what's not being done or what needs to be done.  Instead, I allow myself to move from one polarity to another without actually deciding on anything - and this is a problem - I get caught up in my mind cycling through justifications and/or reasons for my emotions, inner-conflict, and other instabilities rather than simply making the decision and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear, "You're not doing enough. You need to do more," as a way to flee and not take responsibility so that I never hear what is actually being communicated.  I only hear what feels good and if what's being communicated feels bad, I tune it out using a myriad of excuses, reasons, justifications, backchats, and blame-projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop hearing rather than taking a practical inventory of myself so that I could come up with a stable plan.  I stop hearing because it's a quick and easy way out of anything that I do not feel comfortable with, do not understand, and do not experience confidence in my abilities to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and/or stop how I interact, experience, and learn from the world because I fear not surviving the situation - others may stop liking me and may kick me to the curb - this terrifies me because when I was a child, being left out, being left behind, or not being apart of the group was horrible.  So, instead of allowing myself to be here without fear where I can hear, I allow my past to haunt me - a past that doesn't even exist anywhere else but in my Mind.

 

Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 117: How Has Stress Changed Me?

Traumatic Events and Stresses

 In the is blog series, I will be writing about Traumatic Events and Stress, how I reacted to these events, what my energy experience was, how I made myself feel in my Mind, how I changed as a result, and how I can change now to no longer accept and allow the past to determine who I am.

Additional Content:
Day 115: How Am I Currently Living With and Directing Stress? 
Day 116: How Do I React To Stressful Events?

How has stress changed me? 
How have I changed as a result of my reactions to my experiences?

I exist in constant and continuous dread of events, experiences, or problems that I cannot control because I fear the consequences if I were to fail and/or make the wrong decision. 

I do not trust others perspectives as being equally as applicable as my own and that in the event that I am given suggestions, I must be convinced that it there is potential for these suggestions to work.


I have polarized myself within and as two conflicting personalities: Weak and Strong - the consequence of this is that I am tense because of the conflict within myself.  In my mind, I see this experience of myself as being in the middle of a tug-of-war rope and being pulled in opposite directions while I strain, clench my teeth, and redistribute my weight to not get over-taken to either direction.

Within this picture representation I have within myself as the victim of polarity, I see that this is dishonest because I often choose to be either the Weak or Strong characters/personalities depending on what gets me what I want in that moment.

I realize that Life, as it has existed for me, did not come with an Instruction Manual as to how to become the Best Human Being For All and that because of this, I have created myself from what I've witnessed has worked for others and what was gained for themselves.  Many of the characters/personalities that I have stored within and as me are in-conflict.  And because I have been scared to say or do the 'wrong thing', I never trusted myself to be myself - and the personalities are so extensive at this point, that it's difficult to remember who/what that self is.  What I -do- remember is not being liked by many others prior to me changing myself as I see their faces and actions of disapproving, experience frustration, and/or not understanding my expressions.  I also continue to haunt myself with cruel spoken words.

I must keep myself physically moving and do not allow myself to relax and enjoy moments in life because I flee from guilt, worry, fear, and not wanting to face the uncomfortableness that I experience within my physical body.  Within this, when I am busy moving and in my mind, I do not experience the constant tingling-twitching-vibrating-pulsating sensation in my skin and I'm able to tune out the ringing in my ears.

I have surrendered to the thought, belief, and idea that there is nothing I can do to change my situation.

I ignore, disregard, or 'brush-off' the reflections of me that are seen in my world because I have already defined myself/my Ego identity.  I tell myself that no one knows me, my life, and my body but me - and this is interesting as it makes me wonder where/why I learned this scripted line as I'm seeing it is quite far from the truth.