Day 191: Measurable Force

In reference to an earlier post, Day 190: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 2, a friend suggested that I expand the definition of the word Force. Within the suggestion, she included an expanded dictionary definition, an etymological definition as well as a living definition that could be lived in a practical way without energetic charge.  I have included the support here:

Force = Physical action or movement

In relation to the word 'force' I'd suggest to expand the definition to specifically include what force is, since physical action or movement could also describe other words, whereas force also has its specific characteristics.

I looked it up and force is defined as: 

"In physics, a force is any influence which tends to change the motion of an object. In other words, a force can cause an object with mass to change its velocity, i.e., to accelerate" (wikipedia)

This is interesting in relation to the experienced of 'being forced' - because it is like when one feels forced, it is the same as feeling moved by someone/something else and/or that one's movement is changed by something/someone - fascinating. 

When looking at the etymological definition of the word the following definition steps forth: 

force (n.) Look up force at Dictionary.com
c.1300, "physical strength," from Old French force (12c.) "force, strength, courage, fortitude; violence, power, compulsion," from Vulgar Latin *fortia (source also of Spanish fuerza, Italian forza), noun use of neuter plural of Latin fortis "strong" (see fort). Meaning "body of armed men, army" first recorded late 14c. (also in Old French). Physics sense is from 1660s; force field attested by 1920. (source:http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=force)

So force comes from the word strong and it could then be redefined as 'strong physical action or movement'.

I found this support really cool because it assisted me to see a couple of points.

First, that I was rushing through redefining Force into a living word because I wanted to get on to some other points that I have been walking outside of my blog.  And this is a pattern that I keep playing out - not only in my writings but also in my immediate physical environment where I can see several projects that I have started and have not finished - even though I have the all the materials and tools required to do so.  Within this, I have come to see that having several things going at once is not 'bad' and it's not necessary for me to go into self-judgment on it.  I have also found that I am quite cool with myself physically moving from project to project as long as I am making progress and seeing change.  The key, however, is making sure that my movement is balanced where I give my personal process, my home projects, my work, and other commitments equal attention.  So, if I find that I am intentionally avoiding doing something, I stop and take a look at why I am avoiding it.  Which brings me to the second point:

Prior to my friend pointing out that there were other expanded meanings of the word Force, I was already aware of the other meanings and definitions.  However, as I was researching definitions, I intentionally ignored and disregarded any definitions that contained words that I experienced an internal physical movement/uncomfortableness or reaction to when seeing or reading them.

For the next part of this blog, I will be directing the point of my rushing through things because of my relationship to time and my sense of urgency when it comes to my process and getting things done. And in the blog to follow, I will be opening up the point of why I intentionally avoid allowing myself to focus on the redefinition process - which actually works into some points that I'm walking outside of this blog in relation to my learning process.  I will also be working with my friend's suggested living definition of the word Force as being a 'strong physical action or movement'.


So with my rushing, I have found that I have had some beliefs.  One is that I have limited amount of time in which to get things done - which is true in some regards but not always the case.  Another belief is that I will have a better of experience of myself once I get things done - like, the sooner I get something done the better I will feel, the more I can relax and do what I want - you know, the 'light at the end of the tunnel' sort of mindset.

A biggie for me as well is how easy I have been distracted and how I have acted impulsive while in that distraction - not considering time and responsibilities in that moment nor the consequences of not considering either.  Also, while I have been in distraction, I have had the tendency to place all of my being into it where I have had the belief that if I do this - that if I give something my ALL - that I will have a certain desired outcome.  Which, obviously rarely happens so, disappointed, frustrated and/or bored, I have put that task aside for 'another day' and then move on, again, to whatever distraction or task suits my desire to feel better, entertained and/or most productive in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that I have a limited amount of time to get things done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have a better experience of myself once I get thing done and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through things that I am working on because in my mind, I see myself as being able to to relax and do whatever I want after - which I have connected a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling to.

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling and experience to the idea of relaxing and imaginations of doing what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a 'light at the end of the tunnel' mindset where I believe that if I can get through the tedious, the time consuming, the labor, and/or the boring stuff that something good, gratifying, and/or fulfilling will be there for me when I 'get through it'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted while working on things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on impulse when I become distracted and physically move myself to change what I am doing without considering time and responsibilities in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of me going from one activity to another in any given moment - depending on what interests me most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of my self into whatever I am doing to such an extent that I will not be aware of what's going on outside of me, time, and the other responsibilities that must be taken care of it within that day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I 'put my ALL' into something, that I will have a positive result - which in my mind is a desired result of perfection based on something that I have already seen in my external reality that I believe must be emulated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become disappointed, frustrated, and/or bored with something that I'm working on if/when/as I have seen that what I am working on does not align with the idea of perfection that I have taken from somewhere in my external world and stored within me as a memory of 'the way it should be'.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk away from what I am working on because I have become disappointed and/or frustrated with the work - from which, I go into my ego and tell myself I'm bored, a waste of my time, or something that I can work on later which I have accepted and allowed as a reasonable excuse or justification to walk away from what I am working on in any given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing what I have allotted time to do because I either fear that it's not going to come out the way I would like it, because I am not being entertained, or because what I am doing requires a lot of physical application.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop what I am doing and go off to do whatever interests me, entertains me, and/or suits me best as my mind in any given moment.
 
So, bringing the point back to Force.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an Immeasurable Force - where the strength of my actions - what I put the strength of my mind focus, my physical time, and my inner beingness into completing - is not measurable and not countable because I am busy rushing through things and/or not seeing my work through to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to believe that I have a limited amount of time to get things done and I commit myself to no longer allow myself to limit myself with the excuse of time by when and as I see me telling myself how my time is limited, I stop and breath.  Realistically, I see that yes, I only have a certain amount of time with my days to get things done and yes, I have many responsibilities and points to direct within a day - however, I remind myself that this is not an excuse to go into giving up and distracting myself myself within whatever looks entertaining or most productive at the moment.  And so, I commit myself to stay on task - or return to that task after something has come up - within the time I have allotted to that task and to not let myself be distracted because of a positive or negative experience that I may be having as I work on what's required to be done.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be of the mind that there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' by when and as I see that I am telling or showing myself that cool things that I get to do when I get my work done, I stop and breath.  Firstly, I realize that there is actually rarely a light at the end of the tunnel - the path always leads back to the same place and is in-fact an illusion.  Secondly, I question myself: why do I need something cool and fun to happen? Why do I need to be entertained? Why can't I simply be here with myself working on what I am working on?  Why do I not like what I am doing or the way that I'm doing it?  So, I commit myself to utilize the moments of working on things as a point of self-support to get to stop making the experiences into personal issues and to get to know myself.

I commit myself to unravel myself from my current relationships and experiences with Time by walking the point slowly and seeing myself through the fear, anger, irritation, and frustration with myself and then redefining my physical movement with Time.

I commit myself to STOP allowing myself to be distracted by when and as I see my attention wander away from what I have committed myself to doing to something that I'm seeing is more fun, more cool, or a better use of my time within the day, I stop and breath.  I remind myself of my commitment to stay on task and if/when/as I see what is coming up as 'what I could be doing instead' and requires my attention, I write down the point for myself to direct for when I am done doing or the allotted time for the task is done.  Obviously, within this, I allow myself to be aware and responsive to what's going on in my external environment and allow myself to be understanding and flexible in regards to the others around me and their physical and/or mental requirements throughout the day - I will continue to stand as a point of support.

I commit myself to stop attempting to recreate and emulate into my physical reality what I have allowed myself to see and store as a memory of 'perfection' from my mind's perspective by when and as I see myself telling or showing myself how something I'm doing 'should be' or is 'supposed to be' based on something I have seen or come to believe, I stop and breath.  I do not allow myself to accept this excuse nor do I allow the experience to change me from focusing on what is required to be done nor do I allow this to limit me from doing something and within this doing something, doing it with my utmost potential.  Within this, I commit myself to let go of any mind beliefs or ideas I have about what I am doing, say self-forgiveness as I work, and allow myself to express myself within and as what I am working on.

I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the thought, "I can do this later ..." to release me from what I am doing that is required to be done.  And when and as I see that there is a task that can in-fact be done later or is best to be done later, I direct accordingly from a point of self-honesty practicality where I make a plan of when/how I will do something and commit myself to seeing that plan through.

I commit myself to always working on ways of placing my time and focus equally into the things.

And I commit myself to restructuring my time and my focus if/when/as I see myself NOT distributing my time and focus to what's required to be done.

I commit myself to stop attempting to separate myself from what I am doing.

I commit myself to being a Measurable Force where the product of my strong physical movement and action - that which I see through to an utmost potential - can be seen, counted, and measured.

Interesting.

Day 160: Reality Check -> Invincibility

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 156: Unwinding

When and as I see that ignoring my physical warnings that I need to slow down which can be clearly seen as I move fast from one task to another, do not pay attention to where my body is is physical space, and where I am energized because I am experiencing myself as effective based off of the amount of tasks I am completing and within this looking-for or getting a desired outcome of acceptance and/or respect from my external world, I stop.  I breath in and I breath out until I have slowed myself, until I am clear of immediate reactions, and present here in physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that when I am in mind while at the same time zooming around in my physical body without awareness of my physical body, that I am creating the possibility for me to become injured - this is a pattern that I have been participating in for quite some time - so, instead of continuing doing the same thing over-and-over again, I now see that I have an opportunity to change and respect myself as flesh by practicing self-discipline and allowing myself to be aware of and direct how I move in physical reality.

I commit myself to practicing self-discipline with my physical movements where instead of going into my mind as I move my body, I allow myself to breeeeeeeeeath, be here, be aware of my physical movements, and direct myself as flesh.  I see, realize, and understand that I have been participating in this pattern of reacting, reacting, reacting for a LONG time, so within this, I commit myself to be patient with myself - here I state this is not an allowance for me to open up a backdoor out of my self-commitment to change - this is me practicing steady gentleness.

When and as I see/hear myself denying that I have physical limitations where I tell myself that I can 'do anything', that I do 'not age', or show myself in my imagination that I am invincible, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand the reality of my physicality: Because of my participation in/with/as my mind, the decisions that I have made in regards to my physical care, and years of working labor while in my mind and making decisions that are not best for my physical health, that I have compromised my physical body.  Here, again, I direct myself to my physical awareness, get to know myself, be honest with myself, and see what can actually realistically physically do without compromising myself.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I Am Special, different, and/or better than everyone else - specifically in relation to how I do not 'look my age' like others do, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me going into the Superiority and/or Better-Than dimension of self-judgement where I compare myself to others as a way to feel better about myself as my Ego.  This is an image of myself that I have created in my mind as an escape from the negativity that I experience from other comparisons where I see myself as Inferior and/or Less-than.  Neither polarity assists me in improving myself, changing myself, or making decisions that are best for all in my physical reality.  So, within this realization, I see that it is best if I stop my participation in this belief as to actually assist and support myself to step-out-of-the-box of my mind and explore my actual genetic potential.

I commit myself to GIVING myself the opportunity to explore myself and my potential as a living, breathing, physical human being expressing here by letting go of and releasing myself from my beliefs of myself that I have held onto for a positive energetic charge - here, to live up to my self-commitment, I assist and support myself to write-out, self-forgive, self-correct, and clear myself of my individualized self-definitions that support myself as my mind being Special, Different, Better-Than.

When and as I see that I am about to tell myself or speak out-loud that 'I cannot slow down', I stop.  I breath.  I remind myself that this is a lie that I use as justification to not change and that I have in-fact proven that I CAN slow down and that I am actually required to so. 

So, within this, I commit myself to slowing down by breathing and allowing myself to be aware of my physical speed - I remind myself that it is best for me, my family, and that which I am committed to for me to not burn myself out.  When/as/if I see that my application of slowing down is not effective, I commit myself to ask for support and/or perspectives in regards to how I can become more effective.

Day 139: How I Use Fear To Keep Me On Adderall

Here are self-correction and self-commitments for self-realizations from

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like The High.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

When and as I see that my application is not effective because I am not facing and/or dismissing the points that come up within communication with myself and others as indicated by myself justifying who I am and what I do, I see, realize and understand that I am cheating myself out of an opportunity to see myself as I am and thus not allowing myself the opportunity to change. I see, realize and understand that I must change – there is NO WAY OUT for me and there is NO GOING BACK – I have made the decision and the commitment to stand and within that, the only choice I have is to change and do what is best for/as all Life, including my own.

I commit myself to stop NOT facing myself, to stop dismissing points that come up within communication with myself and others, and to stop justifying myself for who I am and what I do by breathing, not taking communication with myself and others as personal, hearing, and then assisting and supporting myself to change with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stop myself from looking for ‘another way’ or a ‘better way’ to walk my process and instead push as the group is pushing, and stand as the group is standing.

When and as I see myself not wanting to give up anything, I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about a self-interest that I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off – this gets me no-where as I am cheating and deceiving myself and others. Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I have been willing to abuse my body for a Reward of a Better Mood and Increased Stamina and thus, I have been abusing Life/Substance for a momentary High which is irresponsible, not cool and just plain ignorant.

I commit myself to giving up my self-interests by assisting and supporting myself to writing out, self-forgiving, and self-correcting myself for what I am deliberately ignoring and/or putting off what I do not want to give up.

I commit myself to stop myself from abusing, cheating, and taking off years of myself, my life, and my physical body/substance for the Rewards of Better Moods and Increased Stamina – starting first with stopping myself from taking Adderall, speed, energy drinks or energy/fat-burning/metabolism pills.

When and as I see that I am in a polarity cycle of negativity, positivity and neutrality as indicated by my ups, my downs, and then my balancing out with excuses and justifications, I commit myself to stop my participation in the polarity cycle and to assist and support myself by taking responsibility for myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to release myself from these cycles/patterns.

When and as I see that I am abdicating myself as indicated by my backchat where I tell myself ‘I can’t …’ or see others outside of myself as ‘unable’, I stop. I see, realize and understand that no one is going to walk my process for me and that no one is going to make me walk my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that I am communicating to myself about my abdication of myself within the words of ‘Can’t …’ and ‘unable’.

I commit myself to stop deceiving and lying to myself about what I can’t or what I’m not able to do by investigating myself and looking honestly at what I have done, how far I come, where I want to be, what is required for me to get where I want to be and what is actually, for real, physically practical for me to accomplish and how I will accomplish my purpose/objective/goal.

I commit myself to developing/establishing a relationship of self-trust and self-understanding with myself by writing out my purposes/goals/objectives, what I can practically do to accomplish/complete my purposes, goals, and objectives, and then self-commit myself to move on/with my plan.

When and as I see that I am suppressing my anger as indicated by me physically grinding my teeth while telling myself that I’m not angry, that I am not sad, that I am above emotions, that I am clear, that I am stable, that I am focused, or any other positive affirmation, I stop. I see, realize and understand that my suppressing emotions only prolong my process. Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this suppression is having a detrimental effect on my body – I NEED MY TEETH and thus it is neither within my best interest nor my future survival for me to grind them down.

I commit myself to stop myself from suppressing my emotions by being aware of myself physically grinding my teeth and within this awareness, stopping, breathing, slowing myself down and walking myself backward through my thoughts and reactions – and from here, I commit myself to write out what’s ‘grinding my gears’ that I do not want to see/see myself as equal-to, self-forgiving myself for these suppressed thoughts and reactions, and then self-correcting myself as I now see, realize, and understand that I am giving myself a direct link to realizing myself and thus, I commit myself to exploring/realizing myself via this obvious mind to physical body suppression.

When and as I hear/see myself telling/showing myself that I am going to become fat because I am giving up something outside of myself, I see, realize, and understand that this is myself using one of my greatest fears against me as a way to keep myself from changing – I am using my fear of being fat/being physically big, round, bulbous/becoming disconnected with myself to keep me locked into a pattern of compromising and abusing my body as I go from one polarity – being big bodied to the opposite polarity – being small bodied.

I commit myself to writing out my fears of being fat as well as my experiences within not being fat and from here, forgiving myself for the memories, experiences, and current living within each polarity so that I can self-correct myself to no longer have this fear have power and/or influence over my decisions.

Day 138: Let's Be Honest: I Like the High

On November 5, 2012 is when I decided to no longer hide from my dependence on Adderall and to instead begin writing about it.  At this point in my walking my dependence, I shared the writings in private and not public because I was not yet prepared to discuss the situation in public and I saw that revealing this could put a strain on some relationships that were already in conflict.

So, this point emerged when I reacted to the statement: You're Higher Than The Rest of Us.

Here it is:

I have been in conflict for many months within my decision to take Adderall - AKA, amphetamine salts. I have justified to myself that I NEED this drug to effectively live up to my work, home, and other responsibilities. I have told myself that this drug assists me in staying focused, alert, 'social', and requiring a very small amount of sleep, however, I am seeing that I have been lying to myself. The truth is, I LIKE this drug - I like being on High, I like being seen as having a great amount of stamina, I like going fast, and I LOVE it that I do not suffer from the 'lows' that others around me are experiencing.

So, yes, I AM, in physical fact, higher.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, 'You are higher than the rest of us," with dismissal - I have not allowed myself to see that I am receiving a clear indication of why my application is not effective in that by making myself physically, mentally, and emotionally higher than others, that I am cheating myself and others as I am not allowing myself to be equal-to and one with myself and others. From close to the very start of my decision to take Adderall again,  it became clear to me that I was not standing equal-to and one with myself and others and yet instead of taking responsibility for my decision at that moment and stopping all of my fears in relation to stopping myself from taking this drug, I continued as it was easier to justify myself as needing this for my 'own reasons' and thus separate myself from others rather than facing the physical resistance that I saw others experiencing. I saw but did not want to be honest with myself that the consequence of this decision would separate me by my own accord as within my understanding of oneness and equality. I told myself that I was not working as hard as others and thus I am not allowed to stand equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a moment of 'being high' to self-sabotage my participation in my world where there were many times that I dropped out of participating in activities that were best because I feared having to change myself to be/become equal-to others and did not want to give up my High Reward - I have sold myself out for a Reward where the cost is my future physical self and the Reward is a guarantee that I won't become Low, that I am now 'thin', that I can engage others within a demonstration of high-energy, and that I can push my body to the point of agony.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience MANY moments of negativity within my taking of Adderall as Regret, Shame, and Guilt for not standing and then positively as telling myself that I am 'doing the right thing' and in the end it would 'all pay off', and the neutral as, 'I'll stop when I am ready and/or have less responsibility'. I have seen this negative to positive to neutral cycle within myself but have not moved myself to change myself nor remove myself from this cycle via my own direction - instead, from my point of neutrality, I waited for and outside 'sign' that CLEARLY and without a doubt would show me that 'it is time - are you life or are you not - are you here with us or are you not' before taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot do this without Adderall," and "If I do not take Adderall, I'm going to go 'down'," and "Yeah ... you're bringing the rest of us down, you need an addy," to exist within and as me. I have not allowed myself to hear myself communicating to myself that I see myself as not being able to move and direct myself effectively without the assistance of something/someone outside of myself and that if I am not 'high' that I will bring others 'down' - and instead of taking responsibility, investigating, and assisting and supporting myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction, I accepted the lie and allowed myself to live-out the lie over-and-over again rather than de-bunking the lie and giving myself the gift of self-trust via understanding and then agreement with myself to move myself in a way that is best rather than desiring for others to move with me and my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see  - or see and dismiss that when I am taking Adderall, that I clench and grind my teeth until my jaw is sore because I am angry and 'grinding my gears' and yet, I suppress this within telling myself that, "I'm on Adderall. I cannot be angry! I cannot be sad! I am above this! It is all THEIR FAULT - it must be! I am clear, focused and getting MY work done! GO ME!" - I have definitely not allowed myself to see until now that I use my information and knowledge about Adderall, to tell myself that I am POSITIVE, amazing, and perfect rather than seeing, realizing, and understanding that the REAL indicator is my physical body and that I am demonstrating to myself that I am willing to put myself in pain and ignore my body's signals which are telling me that all is not cool in exchange for the promise of positivity/Good Things.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept the belief that Adderall has magically changed me from a fat person to a thin person and because of my fear of getting 'big' again and my telling myself that if I stop taking Adderall that I will become physically big and no longer be comfortable in/with my body, I tell myself that is not in my best interest to stop taking Adderall. I have not seen nor realized that Adderall has not made me physically thinner and that what has actually made me physically thinner is increased physical activity, dehydration, and improper nutrition because I have trapped myself within my mind-backchat where I ignore my physical body instead of being aware of what my physical body needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that if stop taking Adderall, that I will become heavy again and within this, for every day of the 8 days that I have not taken Adderall, I weigh myself to see if there is any change - On days where it looks as though I've gained weight, I become frustrated, worried, anxious, and angry and say, "What am I gonna do? I'm going to be fat and miserable again -- I can't go back there ..." and on the days where my weight is below a certain marker, I say, "Phew. Okay. I'm okay. Maybe it wasn't the Adderall making me thin ..." I have not see, realized, nor understood that I am going from one polarity to another, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute as I allow myself to swing back and forth between being 'okay' with myself and then in the next moment, 'not okay' with myself.