Day 210: The Way Life Should Be

In this blog, I am applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment to thoughts that I have had while in my I'm Missing Out Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, "I never get to do what I want," after I have seen that I am not able to do something that I want to do or if I haven't gotten to do something that I had wanted to do.  As I hear myself and the words now, it sounds like a pouty-voiced temper tantrum - where, if I were to act it out, I would pout, clench my fists, stomp my foot and whine.  Had I not reacted to things not going my way - or for that matter, not gone into my and imagined how things could go in the first the place - I would have been stable and better able to see the moment in a down-to-earth, mature way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame on others when and as there has been something that I want to do but can't.  I have been turning my dissatisfaction with my life and myself onto others and not taking responsibility for the decisions that I have made while attempting to live out a fantasy of unrealistic events and expectations of 'what life should be' in my mind.  It is an alternate reality that doesn't hold up in the physical world outside of my mind - and yet, despite my ideas, beliefs, and plans of how I can live out my fantasies rarely working out and causing a lot of conflict with myself and others, I have not allowed myself to let go of my beliefs nor have I stopped recreating them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief that life is 'too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things'. I have bought into these words because they have benefited me on my path of attempting to live out my fantasies of 'what life should be' - nice words that have been covering up and supporting my fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have often times imagine myself as really old lady who is looking back on my young life in regret of all of the things that I could have done but didn't.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this future-projection of myself to exist within and as me as I realize that picture is something I picked up somewhere from watching TV or a movie or I read it somewhere along the way - it's an implant that I accepted and allowed because it aligned with my fears of growing old, loss, missing out, and negative emotional experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there are 'so many things to do and so many people to meet - and there's not enough time to do it in'. I see that this is a belief that I created for myself by repeating it to myself over-and-over again after I heard a friend say something similar a few times - and I wanted to be like her: popular, a master socializer, and a free spirit - as this would have insured that I was liked, included in everyone's plans, and free to join in whatever others were doing.  Thing is, I've never been 'free' to join in what others are doing as I would like to which has produced a significant amount of conflict, some consequence that I'm not really cool with, and decisions that had not considered what is best for everyone that could potentially be effected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be doing, seeing, and experiencing what others are instead of doing, seeing, and being who/what I am and have been.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as one of my friends or past relationships come up in my mind with the memories of experienced that I have connected to them and then wonder, "What fun are they having without me?" and "What have I been missing?"  Instead of going into what I have been missing or what I have apparently 'lost' because I'm not getting fun or whatever other experience from the relationship/friendship anymore, I could have simply enjoyed the memories and the times we had together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, "I always miss everything!" in a whiney voice. Lol.  This is not true and me playing out a character (and not even a unique one) to get some sort of a reaction out of  myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, "It's not fair that others can be there and doing the things that I want to do when I can't."  Somewhere I have come up with this belief and idea that life is supposed to be fair when it obviously is not.  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unreal expectations of what life is and trying to force life into these ideas instead of realizing I can't control life, letting go of this belief that life is supposed to be fair, and being in/with/as life without preconceived notions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have driven myself from starting points of greed and self-interest - so, when I say, "If I don't this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't," it has meant that I have not wanted to share and that I have not wanted others to have what I want for myself.  Why would I continue to allow myself to exist in this way when, looking at the world,  I see the consequences of living/being/thinking in this way?

I commit myself to stop going into reacting when and as points come up that are not aligning with my ideas and beliefs of the way 'things should be' and/or 'my way' as I have worked them out to be in my mind.  When and as the beliefs and ideas come up, I stop, breath, and question the ideas and beliefs by asking myself, "Where is this coming from?  How am I living out this point? How is this benefiting me? What are the consequences? What can I do to physically change this point?"

Within this, I commit myself to stop going into my imaginations from a point of self-interest with the intent of seeing how things could play out in a positive way for me by when and as I see there is an opportunity for me to do or experience something, I stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into anticipation, excitement, or any other positive feelings or any of the images that may be coming up in my mind.  I remain clear and stable - observing what's coming up and self-forgiving if possible or necessary - and direct myself from here.

I commit myself to stop the pattern of going into want and desire in regards to what others are doing and experiencing by when and as I see myself going into imagining what it would be like for me in their situation, I stop, breath, and bring my attention and focus back to myself, where I am, what I am doing, and what I'm already working on for goals and fun activities.

I commit myself to stop the fear of becoming old and within this, the fear of existing in regret by reminding myself that I will truly be fortunate if I am able to become old and of all the things that I've done, the regrets that I have had are a result of me being in my mind in separation rather than being here in the moment - letting go, taking it in, giving back, and allowing myself to enjoy myself, others and whatever is going on if anything at all.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of attempting to be someone else or attempt to live out their life and instead focus on living my own - I commit myself to my own adventure into the unknown.

I commit myself to giving myself what I have been looking for experiences and other people to give to me by when and as I see myself looking to an external source for me to have a desired experience, I stop and breath.  I bring the point back to myself, investigate it, and see if I can come up with ways of giving it to myself! I will make a game of it and create some fun for myself.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of forcing myself as my ideas, beliefs, and the way I think 'things should be' onto external reality by when and as the fear comes up as indicated by the tightness in my solar plexus and the urge to 'speak my mind', I stop, breath, and allow myself to let it go.  I mean, life as it exists isn't fair - and it will never be fair until it's fair for everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop my mind and physical patterns of greed and self-interest by changing my ways - I will give as I have been given or as I would like for myself, I will take the time to consider others and where they are coming from and I will support where I am able and always work on creative ways of expressing this support.

Day 160: Reality Check -> Invincibility

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 156: Unwinding

When and as I see that ignoring my physical warnings that I need to slow down which can be clearly seen as I move fast from one task to another, do not pay attention to where my body is is physical space, and where I am energized because I am experiencing myself as effective based off of the amount of tasks I am completing and within this looking-for or getting a desired outcome of acceptance and/or respect from my external world, I stop.  I breath in and I breath out until I have slowed myself, until I am clear of immediate reactions, and present here in physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that when I am in mind while at the same time zooming around in my physical body without awareness of my physical body, that I am creating the possibility for me to become injured - this is a pattern that I have been participating in for quite some time - so, instead of continuing doing the same thing over-and-over again, I now see that I have an opportunity to change and respect myself as flesh by practicing self-discipline and allowing myself to be aware of and direct how I move in physical reality.

I commit myself to practicing self-discipline with my physical movements where instead of going into my mind as I move my body, I allow myself to breeeeeeeeeath, be here, be aware of my physical movements, and direct myself as flesh.  I see, realize, and understand that I have been participating in this pattern of reacting, reacting, reacting for a LONG time, so within this, I commit myself to be patient with myself - here I state this is not an allowance for me to open up a backdoor out of my self-commitment to change - this is me practicing steady gentleness.

When and as I see/hear myself denying that I have physical limitations where I tell myself that I can 'do anything', that I do 'not age', or show myself in my imagination that I am invincible, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand the reality of my physicality: Because of my participation in/with/as my mind, the decisions that I have made in regards to my physical care, and years of working labor while in my mind and making decisions that are not best for my physical health, that I have compromised my physical body.  Here, again, I direct myself to my physical awareness, get to know myself, be honest with myself, and see what can actually realistically physically do without compromising myself.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I Am Special, different, and/or better than everyone else - specifically in relation to how I do not 'look my age' like others do, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me going into the Superiority and/or Better-Than dimension of self-judgement where I compare myself to others as a way to feel better about myself as my Ego.  This is an image of myself that I have created in my mind as an escape from the negativity that I experience from other comparisons where I see myself as Inferior and/or Less-than.  Neither polarity assists me in improving myself, changing myself, or making decisions that are best for all in my physical reality.  So, within this realization, I see that it is best if I stop my participation in this belief as to actually assist and support myself to step-out-of-the-box of my mind and explore my actual genetic potential.

I commit myself to GIVING myself the opportunity to explore myself and my potential as a living, breathing, physical human being expressing here by letting go of and releasing myself from my beliefs of myself that I have held onto for a positive energetic charge - here, to live up to my self-commitment, I assist and support myself to write-out, self-forgive, self-correct, and clear myself of my individualized self-definitions that support myself as my mind being Special, Different, Better-Than.

When and as I see that I am about to tell myself or speak out-loud that 'I cannot slow down', I stop.  I breath.  I remind myself that this is a lie that I use as justification to not change and that I have in-fact proven that I CAN slow down and that I am actually required to so. 

So, within this, I commit myself to slowing down by breathing and allowing myself to be aware of my physical speed - I remind myself that it is best for me, my family, and that which I am committed to for me to not burn myself out.  When/as/if I see that my application of slowing down is not effective, I commit myself to ask for support and/or perspectives in regards to how I can become more effective.

Day 71: Preventing Time-Related Stress

I will continue with 'I Have Everything - Part 2' in the next blog.

For the moment, I'm sharing an experience that I had this weekend.

A childhood friend of mine invited me to her parents house for some 'girls time away'.  An over-night adventure turned into over 24-hours of just 'chilling out' for me.  My friend has a little girl close to my son's age so the kids played which allowed me to move freely - it was quite awesome.  I did not watch the time - I set no limits as to where I needed to be a certain time and when I observed myself putting a rush on myself, I stopped, I breathed, and I remained where I was.  We ate when we wanted to eat, we drank when we wanted to drink, we all moved within what interested us in moments - not necessarily the same interests, but we were together.  It was very cool.  I noticed that I became clear, stable, and focused and my learning process expanded - like, there was this vast open space within me that was limitless.  I also saw that I was moving slowly and when I saw that I was speeding up, I would slow myself back down as this is how the others around me were moving.

When I came home, I was clear and I was still moving slow - so clear and so slow in-fact that there was a change - first, I noticed that I wasn't chewing on my right 'ring' fingernail nor my pinky and second, the ringing in my ears was gone.  This lasted for awhile until I began putting the pressure on myself to write/respond-to emails, get my blog entry done because I haven't shared the past couple of days, be with my partner, and communicate with another that I'm in conflict with.  At this point, the ringing in my left ear came back almost immediately.

So, I've been walking this time point for awhile and within the past 24 hours, I've come to see, realize, and understand what my life could actually be like if I remove this stressor.  Additionally, all should have the opportunity to experience themselves in this way - everyday of our life.  In one moment of all making the decision to support and implement an Equal Money System, this could be done.  Imagine the potential of the human within this - for me, it's mind-blowing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand what life could in-fact be without the stress I put myself as my mind and body within/through via my reacting to a time clock.  I have not seen how simplified my life could be when and as I 'let go of time' because I have feared that if I 'let go of time' that I will 'lose time' or that I will lose myself within time - and this is not true.

Why, as a group, have we accepted and allowed ourselves to place ourselves within/through this stress of having to be somewhere at all times and by a specific time on a 'dead-line'?

Why have I accepted and allowed this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by an object/number/calculation outside of myself that I have separated myself from as a Clock and Time because I have accepted and allowed the System of Time that has been passed onto me from those that I have gone before me within the belief that if I do not agree with and/or comply with this system, that I will not survive in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a failure, being unable to provide for myself and those I care about, and being seen as 'lazy' and not a part of the group if I was to not agree with and comply to time within my definition of what is required to survive and/or be successful within the world systems of money and relationships.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the prevention, for the moment, that I can give myself within and as my relationship to time is to stop my fear of losing time with writing and self-forgiveness; and then with re-directing myself within a commitment to breath and slow myself down as stress-prevention for myself.

When and as I see that I am rushing - that my thoughts/mind/body/movements are speeding, I stop.  I breath.  I slow myself and bring myself back to myself to where I am in a moment - I am here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am doing myself and others a great disservice by allowing myself to be distracted by time and that if I am watching a clock or thinking about where I have to be and for what reasons, that I am not here - I am instead, trying to get out of here and thus living in the future and this is not cool. 

I commit myself to the prevent myself from reacting to time by breathing and self-forgiving myself for the thoughts/reactions/back-chats/imaginings that come up within my mind and then re-direct myself to bring myself back to myself as me here and present.

I commit myself to not only gift myself with the prevention of stress in relation to time but to also show others that there is a gift that we can give each other as all which is an Equal Money System that will put an end to this rushing to meet deadlines to survive/avoid being seen as a failure.

 

Day 69: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 7

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

This blog is continued Self-Correction from:
Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

For context, see writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"The fear you experience is not in-fact real – if you'd remove it you wouldn't miss it – it doesn't give you food, shelter, clothes, or the ability to pursue your interests. Other people can't even see your fear as it's a completely subjective experience that exist only in you – and you make it real through basing your decisions according to the fear." - Viktor Persson

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

When and as I attach fear of loss to my job or having to change jobs as indicated by my physical panic reaction, myself not breathing, and my mind speeding forward to the possibilities of 'what could be', I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that I am creating this fear as a means to keep myself 'in-check', under-control, and on a specific path that does not give me the opportunity to realize myself - because if I am distracted by fear and motivated by fear I will not question myself, I will only react.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that 'changing jobs' is nothing more than changing scenery where the picture is different but all within as myself are the same - all points to be walked.  Fearing changing jobs has never kept never kept me from changing jobs - so, this makes no sense for me to hold onto this point.  Further, I see, realize, and understand that what is fueling my fear of changing jobs is my fear of embarrassment, fear of lost time/personal-physical investment, my fear of failure, my fear of others seeing me as a failure, and thus, my fear of losing respect from others.  All fears - and the only person that is making these fears real is myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to fear that I will lose a job or have to change jobs because of 'something I wrote' by practically seeing first, that if I need to be cautious within my system of survival that I will have indicators as I have witnessed this process; second, I trust myself to re-direct myself toward a solution that ensures that my system of survival remains stable; and third, in my world, job removal does not happen without several prior warnings and/or indicators - and again, within this, I will direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop myself from fueling my fear of loss of respect with other fears by breathing, investigating myself, and becoming equal-to my fears with Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to slowing myself as my mind down as I have recently seen, realized, and understood that an indication of my mind racing forward is my experience of myself within a 'head blurr' and within this, I have practiced breathing to clear myself and this works - so, when I am in this blurry experience, I commit myself to not allowing myself to 'check-out', 'shut-down', and/or 'get caught within my thoughts' by breathing and thus clearing myself immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



When and as I see that I am fearing being seen and/or interpreted as being disrespectful as indicated by myself experiencing myself as 'sorry', remorseful, regretful and/or panicking where I try to scurry and make 'it right again', I stop, I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this is my Fear of Loss that is connected to/a product of my Fear of Embarrassment and my Fear of Change - within this, I see, realize and understand that the core and/or connecting point of all of my fears is my Fear of Not Being In-Control - not being in-control of others, not being in-control of my environment, and not being in control of my self. 

I commit myself to freeing myself from this System of Fear as I see that it 'divides' me/separates me, breaks me apart, keeps me trapped within a continuous state of conflict and overwhelmed by the extensive amount of relationship connections that I have created between fear, other beings, my environment, and my self.  To bring this commitment into being, I commit myself to explore, self-forgive, and walk the correction of every one of these fear connections - as I committed myself to in the previous blog - by writing everything in my world and my connection/relationship to these things.

Let's see where it goes from here.

Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/bravery

My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3.  I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday.  It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work.  And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later.  For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."

When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane.  I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath.  And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing.  In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear.  Why do this to myself?  So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.

To be continued.

Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong

This blog entry is continued writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction from Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued,  Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You , Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person



"Nothing I do is wrong."

Lol.

So, as I have been working on changing myself and my living with self-forgiveness and self-correction, I was given and opportunity to test my application and it did not work as when someone in my immediate world said, again, "Yeah, we ALL know that you're more than this, that you're better than this and that all the decisions that you make are right ..." and I reacted - I got real angry because I had told this person that I was working on this point of seeing myself as more, better, and right and instead of allowing me the space to figure it out and trust that I was working on it, they PUSHED.  I got pissed off, spouted off several 'F-Bombs' and walked away with an expression of, "Get the fuck away from me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a moment of insanity when I bring the comment, "Nothing you do is wrong ..." back to myself.  I laugh, I rub my face, my eyes, and I push on my fore-head.  Within my mind, I say, "What the fuck -- Nothing I do is RIGHT ... what the hell is wrong with these people ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness when someone outside of myself tells me, with a tiny bit of sarcasm, "Nothing YOU do is WRONG," - when I hear this, anger rises up from within me and I clench my teeth to suppress myself from exploding while the back-chat builds and builds and builds: "Jesus fucking christ, I'm walking this fucking point - cut me some slack here.  I'm writing it out, I'm doing the work - ARE YOU" -- and instead of breathing, I allow the back-chat and eventually release my back-chat on my accuser within complete energy possession.

Breeeeeeeeath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my immediate world to support me within my writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction by reading my blogs, being gentle with me as I work on points, and being careful to not 'trigger' points that I am working on self-correcting.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others to support me to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my mind see that others in my immediate world will support me by taking an interest in my writing, respect my honesty and my decision to take on the points that are coming up, and be gentle with me as I 'figure it out'.  In the picture in my mind I see others giving me a supportive hug, a thumbs up, a caring smile, and a quietness about them as they give me the required space to work myself out.

It Seems So Easy in my Mind - By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my world always supporting me to take over in my mind and thus allow myself to become energy possessed - where if I do not get the support that I expect from others in my immediate world, then I immediately go into back-chat towards myself as, "I do nothing right ..." and others as, "-I- am doing the work -- and -you're- not," because I believe that the others in my immediate world that I support should support me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by allowing myself to expect for others in my immediate world to support me that I am accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage my self-relationship and others relationships with themselves and expanding themselves to begin writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting - instead, I tell myself that MY chosen way is the RIGHT way and in telling myself this, I demonstrate via my words, communications and physical expressions that any other way is wrong. Thus, instead of allowing others to develop a self-relationship, I am expecting that others, first and foremost, revolve and change around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my relationship with others in my immediate world through not giving others my support when and as I see that they are not doing what I see as right by writing, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and reading Journey To Life blogs and in this, I have isolated myself from the people in my world because I see them as doing 'it all wrong' and thus expect that all must do it my way, the right way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not," to exist within and as me when others in my immediate world do not support me by being gentle, being respectful, allowing me the space to 'figure it out', and being aware that my triggers/'buttons' may be sensitive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask the others in my world to support me by being gentle, being respectful, and allowing me space to 'figure it out' before testing out my triggers/buttons but instead I reacted in back-chat of, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in back-chat to others in my immediate world where in my mind I make assumptions instead of asking them for their support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and react to my back-chat rather than establishing and developing real communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create mind-back-chat towards others within hearing, "We all know that you are more than this, that you are better than this, and that all the decisions you make are right ..." instead of physically communicating with them.

Self-Forgiveness continued in next blog.