Day 209: My 'I'm Missing Out' Character

I have been walking my Fear of Missing Out.  I have previously written two blogs on the point, Day 207: Fear of Missing Out and Day 208: No More Fear of Missing Out. If you are facing a similar point, I definitely suggest listening to Missing Out - Fears & Phobias on EQAFE.

In this blog, I am going deeper into understanding my Fear of Missing Out by dissecting the I Am Missing Out Character that I've created from and in support of this fear of missing out.  In the next blog, I will be writing self-forgiveness for what comes up in this self-investigation process.

THOUGHTS

• I never get to do what I want.  
• Others are holding me back from doing what I want.  
• Life is too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things in life.  
• When I'm old, I will regret not doing everything that I had wanted to do in my life.  
• So many things to do and so many people to meet - and not enough time to do it in.  
• I just want to be able to do, see, and experience what others are.  
• I wonder what fun they are having with out me - what am I missing?
• I always miss everything.
• It's not fair that others can be there and doing those things while I can't.
• If I don't do this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't.

IMAGINATIONS

• Imagine myself stuck in the house doing nothing and being bored while my friends are laughing, talking, dancing, bonding, and having a good time.
• Imagine someone telling me that I cannot go and do something that I want to do.
• Imagine myself as an old person looking back at my life and experiencing deep regret and sadness for all of the things that I did not see, do, and/or experience for myself.
• Imagine my friends standing around together, looking for me, and asking each other, "Where's Carrie?" And then one answering, "Oh, she said she couldn't come." And then another rolling their eyes as if it was my choice to not be with them - like, I am happier without them than with them - which isn't true at all.  I imagine myself explaining this to them and them not believing me.
• Imagine myself as on the outside looking in.
• Imagine someone else enjoying what I saw was my experience that I was not able to experience myself.

BACKCHATS

• "I hate it that they are having fun without me. I bet they don't even notice that I'm not there."
• "It's THEIR fault that I cannot do what I want to be doing."
• "If it weren't for the fact that I have to work and support a family, I could do whatever I want."
• "My parents ruined any opportunities that I had as a child and teenager and now the responsibilities and commitments that I have had since then have been ruining my chance to have a fulfilling life."
• "My family holds me back from having fun and doing what I want."
• "My life has been wasted."
• "They think that I don't care."
• "They think that I'm making up excuses."
• "They don't understand that there's nothing I can do."
• "Well, if they don't believe me, then screw them."
• "That was MY experience.  I don't want them to have it if I can't. No fair."

REACTIONS
Boredom, disappointment, sadness, dissatisfaction, anger, annoyance, victimized, punished, stuck, sheltered, resigned, spiteful, worried, presumptuous, depressed, powerlessness, selfishness, jealousy.

PHYSICAL BEHAVIOR

• Slumped shoulders and sad face
• Frowning
• Clenched jaws

FEARS

• That I am going to die before I get to get the things that I want to do.
• That I am going to be left out and that I will feel sad and lonely.
• That people will stop asking me to do things with them and I will feel sad and lonely.
• That I will lose opportunities.
• That I will lose my friends.
• That I will die alone and no one will notice that I'm gone.
• That I will not be 'in the know' and/or missing out on information and experiences.
• That I will never know freedom like other people do.
• That I missed out on life and now it's almost too late for me.
• That someone else will have and enjoy something that should be mine but can't have.

CONSEQUENCES

• I have been in my mind worrying about the things that I want to do before I die instead of actually living and being satisfied with the things that I have done.
• I have been paranoid about being left out or not being asked to do things because the experience of being sad and lonely has been uncomfortable.
• I have often taken on too much, stayed out too long, put a lot of physical strain on my body and have made MANY decisions from a point of self-interest rather than considering everything and everyone equally.
• I have become a 'people pleaser' and have often said, "Yes," when the best answer would have been, "No", "I'm actually busy doing something else" or "We'll see."
• I have given in to peer pressure - been easily influenced by external sources.
• I have almost always experienced myself as a victim - and within this, focused on and accepted the problem instead of taking a step back and focusing on what's really important and going for it.
• I have had a negative relationship with time - as though it has power over me and is the enemy.
• I have seen others as competition and driven myself to 'get there' or get something before they do.
• I have not wanted to share.
• I have been focusing on my needs/wants/interests first instead of equally considering the needs/wants/interests of others and myself.

Seeing the character in-front of me, I realize that one of my main current issues I am dealing with and have not directed is me being married and having a family where I have connected 'being married' and 'having a family' to 'missing out'.   I see there are other points I have connected to 'missing out' that play-out in my daily life, though, for the moment, in the next blog, I will write self-forgiveness for the apparent points and see how things go from there.

Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 56: I Am More - Self-Correction, Continued

ART By MarlenVargas Del Razo

This blog entry is continued Self-Correction from Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You writings and Self-Forgiveness.  For additional context, refer to: Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

When and as I see myself separating myself from others from fear that others will bother me, bully me, challenge me, harass me, embarrass me, and/or talk shit about me, I stop. I clearly see, realize, and understand that I am fearing myself as I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked shit about others - and within this, I now see realize and understand that I have 'bothered', bullied, challenged, harassed, embarrassed, and talked shit about others to get attention from others within my world and that by separating myself from others that demonstrate these same behaviors, that I am separating myself from myself.  I commit myself to stop distancing myself from others within and as my mind by becoming equal-to what I am seeing in others that I am uncomfortable with via observing myself, writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to no longer bully, harass, intentionally embarrass, or talk shit about others by slowing myself with breath and not allowing myself to act/speak out/as the narrator within me - instead, I commit myself to writing out my narrator, self-forgiving my narrator,  and self-correcting myself to act/speak out/as a being that values, cares, and considers life.

When and as I see that I am considering manipulating others for attention as indicated by myself feeling insecure, 'less-than', small, being 'little', 'curling into' myself, hearing my tone of voice change to a higher-pitch within me, and seeing myself within my mind as physically going to someone bigger than me for comfort, I stop - I commit myself to not act on my desire to comfort my insecurities by 'going-to' and/or manipulating another for attention, but to instead slow myself with breathing and go back within myself to the point/trigger in which I told and/or showed myself something that I experienced insecurity from and from here, write out my investigation of myself, self-forgive myself, self-correct myself and make a practical agreement with myself for a solution where I am giving myself what I am seeking in others.

Additionally within this, when I see myself going to the opposite polarity of 'being little' to 'being big', being strong, setting my jaw, becoming firm, flexing my muscles, and 'puffing' myself 'up', I stop, I breath, I relax.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself changing my character to manipulate depending on the environment and the beings within the environment so that I can get attention - I see, realize, and understand that any of these attention-getting behaviors as characters have been created by myself from a foundation of my fear of loss which I show to myself by not seeing myself as 'good enough', as 'missing out'/'missing something', and experiencing myself as insecure within this.  I commit myself to stop myself from acting out my attention-seeking-chameleon characters by NOT expressing/being what myself as my mind is telling/showing me to do in a moment to get attention, instead, I breath, I relax, and I bring myself here, and give myself and opportunity to BE here, as myself, in moments with others.

When and as I see myself working on a personality/character/plan that would place me in a position of importance/power/being THE ONE/being the savior, I stop. I now see, realize, and understand that my leadership role in my world is and had begun from a platform of fear of loss - where if I have had importance, respect, power, helped/protected others, and been the ONLY ONE that could do this for others, that I would secure my position in the world/in the group/on the team and thus be irreplaceable - I am starting to see the not cool consequences of this and thus, for the moment, I commit myself to stop myself from working on securing my place/my status/my position in my world and the others in my life by NOT ACTING on my programming that I created from fear - I commit myself to, instead, for the moment, develop and establish a trusting relationship with myself by showing myself that I can SUPPORT MYSELF with daily writing in my Journey To Life blog, catching up on and submitting assignments on-time, attending and participating in scheduled chats, stabilizing myself/my family/my animals/other life that I have taken responsibility for at home and effectively completing tasks within my survival system - EQUALLY.