Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction

ART by Gian Robberts

This blog entry is the Self-Correction for: Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You writings and Self-Forgiveness.  For additional context, refer to: Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

When and as I see that I am experiencing myself within/as being and/or telling myself that I am MORE than others, I stop.  I bring myself back to here within breath as I see, realize, and understand that for me to justify myself as being more that I would have had a thought about myself as less that I did not see because I was not present.  I commit myself to stop myself from not being here, present, and observing myself as my thoughts - and within this, I commit myself to when I see myself as justifying/showing/telling myself that I am more, to stopping, breathing, and going back-ward through my thought process to pin-point where I had seen myself as less, why, and/or what the trigger point was.  From here, I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to remove the 'I Am Less Than' points to, in turn, remove the 'I Am More Than' points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

When and as I see myself within and/or as the experience of ups-downs-medians/highs-lows-middles via thought and/or behavior cycles/patterns, I stop.  I breath and bring myself back to here.  I see, realize, and understand that I am showing myself my patterns and/or polarity cycles and so - I commit myself to stopping/removing from/as myself my polarity cycles by writing out my polarity cycles, self-forgiving my polarity cycles, and then establishing and developing practical agreements with myself for how I can break out of these polarity cycles with self-corrective statements and self-commitments so that I can in-fact, be free.

When and as I see myself considering/wanting/desiring to purchase product because I tell myself that myself or someone I care for needs it/may need it, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that for me to purchase this product on impulse that, within the current system, that it will be required for me to work more and/or make up for 'the loss' somewhere within my weekly allowances - I am essentially selling moments of my life and my enjoyment of my life for a product that will end up in a pile somewhere, in storage, being given away, having to be lugged around from room to room within my commitment/partner-agreement to organize, and/or thrown in the trash.  I commit myself to stop purchasing/accepting products/items within a moment of impulse, desire, want, and narration within me saying 'this is on sale ... you might need this later'.  Within this, I commit myself to thoroughly research myself, the product/item, and myself within the pros and cons of taking on the responsibility of the product/item.

Additionally, within seeing, realizing and understanding that when I am taking/purchasing objects/items/products of physical substance, that I am required to give back of equal-to substance, I commit myself to researching ways, as a part of my pre-purchasing process of acceptance/responsibility of a product, to give back into my world substance equal-to what I am considering purchasing/accepting/taking responsibility for.

When and as I see myself wanting and desiring to become a chameleon and blend into my world because I have allowed myself to fear resistance, change, being alone, others reactions, and/or embarrassment, I stop and breath through the fear and bring myself back here within seeing, realizing, and understanding that fear is stupid, fear is not real, and what I am in-fact fearing is myself.  Within my commitment to develop and establish a relationship of trust with myself, I commit myself to stop myself from going into a fear reaction when faced with points that could assist and support me with changing my programming/myself by breathing through my fears, laughing because of my fears, writing out my fears, self-forgiving myself for my fears, and then developing self-corrective applications for the points that trigger my fears.  From here, I commit myself to support and stand for that which I have researched as being The Best Way.

When and as I see that I am projecting on to others and thus separating from myself my thoughts and seeing myself as 'less' as indicated by my mind-backchat-projections onto others as 'less than me', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about how I see myself within that moment and the reasons that I think/see/show myself to myself as this way.  I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to be equal-to my backchat communication with/to/about myself by writing and self-forgiveness.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that I am fearing being discarded, replaced, and/or rejection which, to me, is equal-to death and thus the fear of death and being alone with myself - within seeing this, I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk myself through/with my fear of death and/or being alone with myself via writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction because there's no practical, realistic reason to be holding on to these fears - lol.

When and as I see myself activating my 'snob', 'brat', 'spoiled', 'baby' and/or 'princess' characters, as indicated by myself turning my physical expression upward and making my mind go fuzzy so that I do not have to take any responsibility within the event/environment/situation, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that by 'turning myself up', I am in fact, 'turning myself down' as turning down an opportunity to see myself, my fears and my reactions as thoughts, emotions, feelings, and physical behaviors within events/environments/situations that I am uncomfortable.  I commit myself to stop separating myself from others, my world, and myself as myself, others, and my world by  breathing and remaining here hearing and seeing my trigger reactions and then assisting and supporting myself to free myself from these trigger reactions with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

Additionally, because I see myself over-compensating and/or swinging to the opposite polarity of 'Capable Greatness' as I remove and free myself from the 'More Than You' and 'Less Than You' characters, I see, realize, and understand that I'm required to establish, develop, and integrate humbleness within and as me - I commit myself to stop myself from allowing myself as my Ego to step in and re-start the cycle of more-or-less by investigating, defining, walking, and self-correcting myself to become humble.

Self-Correction continued in next post.

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4

Here I continue Self-Forgiveness statements for
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3

ART by Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself show myself a picture of myself as a very young child swinging a black cat around by it's tail until it died. Within this picture, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this picture as an outsider and/or observer where I am watching a scene of a me-child with soft, curly baby-hair in a diaper.  When and as when I place myself inside myself as a child, I experience nothing - no emotions, no fears, no cares - and the actual act of swinging the cat by it's tail was 'something to do' in that moment - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to know, with 100% certainty, if I in-fact anticipated that the cat would die or not as I have allowed myself to become my consciousness and separated myself from myself to such a degree that I do not trust my memories prior to starting kindergarten at age 5.  Within this realization of where I am at the moment when I look back to myself at the age of 3 or 4 when I killed that cat, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not caring if I removed a life.  I forgive myself that I see myself as a person that does not care nor do I have to care because who I was at 3 or 4 was my 'natural state of being' and thus have given myself permission to be a person that is going to do what I want REGARDLESS of the consequences.

Because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to do what I want, regardless of the seen and/or justifiable unseen consequences because I can use this memory of myself as an excuse of 'it's who I am/it's my TRUE nature' to do whatever I want to myself and other living and breathing beings/creatures because it is what interests me in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse of 'she didn't know any better' where I accepted myself as not 'knowing any better' because within that, I saw that I was free from blame.  What I did not see what was going on is that even though I was TOLD that I was free from blame, I was not.  Because I questioned myself as I saw others reacting in fear, embarrassment, and mistrust - over and over again, I abused myself with blame, embarrassment, and doubt over and over and over again until I made myself 'sorry' where I was sorrowful and experienced grief and remorse for what I had done to prove to myself and the world that I was 'a good girl, -really-'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as a Sorry-Good-Girl-FOR REAL as a means to make the pain of guilt, remorse, and embarrassment to GO AWAY.  Even though I have said I AM SORRY over and over and over again to absolve myself from my guilt of hurting, disappointing, scaring, manipulating, lying to, and/or not seeing myself as being good, I was absolved from NOTHING.  As:

• I did not change when I said and expressed my sorry-ness.
• I continued to abuse myself with the memory of what I had done as what I saw was 'wrong'.
• I accepted what I have done as 'wrong' and abused myself with my wrongness and so I have allowed others to become the authority of me where I accept what others told me of myself as being wrong and thus allowed myself to be mentally/physically/socially/emotionally abused as a person 'in the wrong'.  I allowed myself to believe/tell myself/see myself as 'deserving it'.
• I rationalized have that my abuse of others was/is 'okay' and/or justifiable if another was in the wrong or had 'done me wrong' or 'broken the pre-determined rules'.
• I saw MYSELF as abused and thus saw myself in others that I saw as being abused as -I- had been abused and from this I judged and then became angry with back-chat - and when I expressed my anger and disappointment at another for their wrongness, I expected to see and/or hear sorry-ness and if I did not see/hear sorry-ness then I would express my anger to others where I would demand JUSTICE and thus build a jury of my peers who would assist me in the persecution of the abuser where we would decide/agree AS A GROUP whether or not to 'let it slide', 'make it hard' for the accused via the threat of exile until we determined they could be trusted again, DEMAND CHANGE, or remove them from ourselves completely.  But ... if any time the accuser came to us and expressed their utmost sorry-ness, sorrow, and remorse for their 'wrong', we accepted the abuser back ... and said, "Aww. See.  Look.  They are trying to change."  And then, "Maybe we were too hard on them ..."

What I did not see here within this pattern is how guilt and the possibility of oneself/the group being in the wrong absolves each other from actually having to change.  I also did not see how Self-Doubt sabotages any chance of change in ourselves, each other and the world which tells me that we have not allowed ourselves as a group within our agreement of the system to stand for anything with 100% certainty which indicates to me that we are all aware that this cycle/system is really messed up - however, we are trapped in it within neutrality, as 'nothing we can do about it' as 'oh well, best thing I can do is cover my own butt'.

And how did this ENTIRE CYCLE start? In that ONE MOMENT of REACTION.

Within this realization,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see, realize, understand, and thus apply myself as a responsible, solution-directed PARENT where in that one moment where I had the choice to 'React' or 'Do Not React', I REACTED.  Because I have seen being able to react as normal, understandable, justifiable, and MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT as a human being with emotions, feelings and pre-determined expectations of RIGHT and WRONG, I did it. I did not see how the consequences of this one moment would perpetuate a system/pattern/cycle/entrapment of myself, others in my life, humans, animals, and all other Earthlings within outrage, abuse, guilt, and complacency.   

To be continued.