Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2

ART by Rozelle Destonian De Lange

On day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  Here I am continuing with Thoughts.

Thoughts

- A person in my immediate life walking through the door and seeing that the house is messy or that I haven't completed my 'chores' - they are disappointed, begin questioning me, and then become extremely angry.

- Same person is anxious before guests come into the home: will clean for a day or two if someone is coming into the house that they do not 'know', uncomfortable about 'neat people' coming to visit, nervous/defensive/embarrassed/apologetic if someone drops by unexpectedly and they haven't cleaned.

- Before I was 5 or 6, we didn't have much 'stuff' and life seemed easier and simpler.  As I got older and stuff accumulated, it was time-consuming to maintain and distracting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to another coming into my home because I see that I am not 'good enough', that I haven't 'done enough' and that they will find a flaw in my housework and demonstrate/communicate their disappointment, begin questioning me but not listening to my answers and thus become angry - I do not like experiencing myself as not good enough, as disappointing others, not 'knowing' the 'right' answers or as insecure within having no control over what another says or does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my home being 'messy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the 'stuff' in my house - because the more 'stuff' that I have, the more 'stuff' I have to worry about making sure it's in order and the higher the 'risk' of myself experiencing myself as anxious, nervous, distracted, and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous, anxious, distracted, insecure, frustrated and/or angry when someone gives me a 'gift' that is not something that I would use every day because I see the gift as 'yet another thing' for me to have to be responsible for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be come angry when others get me gifts or 'stuff' that I do not 'use everyday' because I have connected gifts and stuff that I don't use everyday to more work and less Time - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect anger and frustration to the 'stuff' in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and depressed with the stuff in my house because I just don't know what to do with it all - additionally, I fear 'giving it away' or 'getting rid of it' because there may come a day when I will need it and in the moment that I need it and if I don't have it when I need it, I will have to buy another one or go without. Additionally, I experience guilt when I see myself giving/selling 'stuff' to others because I don't want them to have to go through the same negativity that I am in connection with 'stuff' as I see it as 'pawning it off' on others.

When and as I see that I am becoming overwhelmed with not knowing 'what to do' with the objects in my home as indicated by the frustration, blame, and anger I am projecting on these objects and thus my going into a pattern of avoidance so that I do not have to experience the frustration, blame, anger, and overwhelming-ness, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that within this I am perpetuating a pattern and if I remain in this pattern that nothing will change - that if I do not look at my anger, frustration, and blame self-honestly by bringing these points back to myself that I will continue to experience myself as overwhelmed, not get anything done, and not push to make improvements within my life, my environment, and my world.

So, in self-honesty and bringing the frustration, blame, and anger back to myself instead of projecting these experiences on to objects:
I see, realize, and understand that I am frustrated and angry with myself for not meeting the unreal expectations I have set for myself in relation to sorting myself, my environment, and my world out.  This is not going to happen over-night - this is going to take years - and in-fact, it could take me longer than others because of the choices that I have made within my career, the lives that I am responsible for, my network, and my home - this is my life, this is my reality.
 

I commit myself to be patient with myself and to not 'rush' my process by moving myself to sort myself, my reality, my environment, and my world with moments and days instead of hours of Time on a clock as my process of self-support is one point that I can move in this way.

I commit myself to stopping my pattern of becoming overwhelmed by stopping my participation in the avoidance of frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat by instead, re-directing myself to self-forgive my frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat and within this, take responsibility for myself within these points so that I can actually make a change and/or make some progress with myself and my environment.

When and as I experience anxiety as a reaction to the thought of a family member visiting my home, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is a reaction to judging myself and thus a fear of embarrassment that I have adopted from others' experiences of themselves within my world.  There is no realistic grounds for this judgement and fear to exist upon - and further, WHO exactly came up with this rule that my house has to look a certain way in order for me to be accepted? And WHY am I perpetuating this rule when it's obvious that it sucks?

I commit myself to no longer accept nor perpetuate the Rule that One's House Must Look A Certain Way and to instead, move myself to get done what needs to get done to ensure that my home is safe and comfortable.

I commit myself to remove the judgements of myself living within my home and thus remove the judgements of how others live in their homes by self-forgiving the points that come up within my daily process in relation to how a home is 'supposed' to look and why.  

Additionally, as I explore the point now, I see that I am looking at a point of competition as well, where if my home is cleaner than another than I experience a 'good feeling' about myself - this is not cool. Why is it that I need a 'good feeling' and why must I place myself as 'better' than and 'above' another to get it?

 This will continue with the Imagination Dimension.

Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/search/label/bravery

My last blog was on Wednesday, November 28 and it is now Monday, December 3.  I was busy at work this past week preparing for a large event for 450 guests on Saturday where the work went into Sunday.  It is astounding to me how much time I 'lose' when I'm at work.  And time has been a point that I have been walking which I will share later.  For the moment, I'm picking up where I left off from:

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

Which was Self-Correction from writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose respect, that I will not be able to 'show my face' in the the town that I live in, the city that I work in, and the places in my world that I frequently go to/like to go to - I fear that others in my environments will reject me, be afraid of me, be nervous around me, be uncomfortable around me, judge me, and 'look' at me as if to communicate that they think/see me as insane."

When and as I see that I am fearing showing who I am as what I stand for and as, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this has nothing to do with others and has everything to do with me - I am the only one that rejects me, I am the one that fears changing, I am the one that is nervous with myself and uncomfortable with being with myself, I am the one that judges me, and I am the one that communicates to myself that I must be fucking insane.  I commit myself to stop projecting my rejection, my fear, my nervousness, my uncomfortableness, my judgement, and myself seeing myself as insane onto others and using them as a point of blame and to stand within and as this commitment, I investigate these points as they come up within me and/or as I 'interpret' that these points are coming up outside of me and/or directed at me from outside of me - I do this in breath.  And from here, I assist and support myself to become equal-to these points with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'physical places and the people within those physical places' to my fear of losing respect and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see that I am connecting a physical place with fear of loss, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that attaching a fear of loss to a place does not make a place 'mine', does not make a place 'safe', and does not keep the place from being removed or myself from being removed from a place - it changes nothing.  In-fact, I have seen, realized, and understood this via watching how the fear of loss actually works within this physical world in that - if I fear losing something, a place, a person, or whatever it is, I will eventually lose it so it makes no sense to hold onto this crap with fear.  Why do this to myself?  So, I commit myself to stop myself from making fear of loss connections with places, things, and people by first become aware of the relationship my connections with the 'things' in my life, one-by-one/moment-to-moment and then write these relationship connections out, day-to-day and a few pieces at a time - then self-forgive myself and give myself the gift of getting rid of all of this crap.

To be continued.

Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

 

I fear losing respect from others if I write about my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose the respect of others if I share, write, and expose my characters that I have created for myself that I have been living as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I want, need, and desire to hold on to the characters that I have created and as such, I have used my fear of loss of respect from others to ensure that I would not lose my characters and thus, within this, I was able to continue to create characters and sub-characters which 'evolved' my characters that I created which made them 'more real' which made me think, believe, and tell myself that the characters I created were/are me.

I forgive myself that I have/ accepted and allowed my fear of losing the respect of others to be equal and one with my fear of death where I tell myself that that if I were to lose the respect of others in my world because of a character that I have shared, written about, and/or exposed, that I'm 'taking the chance' of losing my system of survival as my job and those 'above me' in power that have the 'say' of whether I work and make money or not. I tell myself that others 'above me' may not like what they see about me and thus will begin the process of removing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live-out my life within and as my fear of losing respect.  I have not seen, realized,nor understood that by accepting and allowing myself to live within and as fear of losing respect, that I have manifested the fear in my life in my world - this is proven by the fact that I have lost the respect of others over-and-over-again - so holding on to my fear of losing respect has changed nothing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to self-direct myself to consider and/or imagine what my life would be like if I were to let go of my fear of losing respect because it was easier for me to simply hold onto my fear of losing respect, compound it, and make it more real for myself rather than taking responsibility for it. Additionally, I been so distracted, caught up, and/or enslaved by my fear of losing respect, that I did not allow myself  to stop my participation within and as my mind as my fear of losing respect so that I could, for a moment, consider who I would be without the illusion of fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of losing respect is real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my acceptance and allowance of myself within and as my fear of losing respect has impacted my world where because I have perpetuated, nurtured and maintained my fear losing respect, I have in-turn, perpetuated, nurtured and maintained the fear of losing respect in my world.  There is no real respect in this world because if there were real respect, it would be the same yesterday and tomorrow as it is today and it would be the same respect for all equally - and because I accept and allow my respect of others and myself to change day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute, I thusly accept and allow it to exist with my world.

I forgive myself that I have, as an additional dimension of perpetuating, nurturing, and maintaining my fear of losing respect, passed this fear onto my children where I have taught them that if they express themselves freely, that they may in-turn, be at risk of losing respect of others and thus losing their system of survival -- I did not see, realize, nor understand that by me passing this onto others, that I was creating additional 'Me's' who would live out my fear of losing respect, be/become 'people pleasers' and then go on to pass my fear of losing respect on to others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed the back-chat of, "Holy crap. Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the back-chat of, "Holy crap.  Did that person REALLY just say that about themselves?! I have just lost any and all respect for them ..." is myself communicating to myself about myself where I am telling myself that I have lost respect for myself - which is an additional indicator that my holding onto my fear of losing respect changed nothing AND that I, am in-fact, abusing myself/beating myself up withinside and withoutside of myself when I communicate myself honestly.  Because I have projected this back-chat onto others instead of investigating myself within and as the back-chat, I did not allow myself an opportunity to see, realize, nor understand where this self-abuse is coming from within me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I 'beat myself up', punish myself, and abuse myself with fear, emotions/sadness, conflict, confusion, and the experience of falling/failing when and as I express myself with self-honesty and free expression because self-honesty and free expression were/was/is violently punished or threatened to be violently punished within my world - we do not like to see or hear the truth of ourselves through the lives, words, and actions of others, especially when those lives, words and actions are as/of/from a child.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of the memories and programming that I accept and allow myself to abuse, torment, hate, suppress, conflict, and confuse myself with.  Instead of letting go, I live out my memories and programming over and over and over again within re-calling pictures that I have stored in my mind so that I can experience an energetic reaction of negativity which I will then project onto others as blame, hatred, and spite to then experience a positive reaction when seeing myself as an 'innocent, the good guy, and only a child/baby', and thus be 'okay' with myself as the neutral within telling myself, "It's over now.  You're a survivor. There's nothing you can do until they come to you and tell you how wrong and sorry they are."

I will continue in my next blog entry.

Day 47: I Know What You're All About ...

Continued from:  Day 46: That Is SO Not True About Me,  Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

I commit myself to trusting that I am completing tasks, responsibilities, objectives, goals, chores and/or work  effectively and to the best of my ability. And within this commitment:

When and as I see that I am doubting myself and my abilities to effectively complete a task that is well within my ability to do so, I stop.  I breath through the fear of failure.  I see, realize and understand that I have NEVER FAILED - I have made mistakes - and as I make mistakes, I correct my mistakes, move on, test my correction and re-adjust if/when/as it's required to do so.

I see, realize and understand that correction is simple - in fact, I have been doing it my entire life within my character creation process - the difference now is that I go back and correct within the principle of what is best for all instead of what is best for myself exclusively.

When and as I see/hear myself back-chatting as others to myself and thus responding with my own dialogue that I pair with a physical demonstration that anticipates others expectations, I STOP.  I see and realize that I am talking with/to myself about my own expectations and I now see, realize and understand that to respond/react physically to my expectations by slave-driving myself and my body is NOT COOL and within this, I re-direct myself to self-forgive and self-correct myself in the moment then move on as additionally, I am seeing that it takes LESS TIME to stop, self-forgive, and self-correct and MORE TIME to obsess and fix details as a response to my back-chat that do not change/improve anything of substance.

I commit myself to no longer adopting/teaching myself philosophies and/or tenets that do not prove to be true in all cases and in every application.

I commit myself to allowing myself and others an equal opportunity for change and within this, I commit myself to breathing when in the company of myself/others and seeing who we really are rather than who I THINK we are.

When and as I see/hear/tell myself that I THINK any one person is any one 'way' or of one design as per my correlation of one to a memory of another, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am not seeing who myself and others really are - I am seeing us as who/what I've pre-defined us as within a past moment of fear that I stored within myself.  Within seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been projecting past experiences with/of myself onto myself and others, I re-direct myself to instead breath through the fear and allow myself to BE in moments with myself/others and in this way, 'get to know' myself/others as who/what we really are.