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| ART by Rozelle Destonian De Lange |
On day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything. Here I am continuing with Thoughts.
Thoughts
- A person in my immediate life walking through the door and seeing that the house is messy or that I haven't completed my 'chores' - they are disappointed, begin questioning me, and then become extremely angry.
- Same person is anxious before guests come into the home: will clean for a day or two if someone is coming into the house that they do not 'know', uncomfortable about 'neat people' coming to visit, nervous/defensive/embarrassed/apologetic if someone drops by unexpectedly and they haven't cleaned.
- Before I was 5 or 6, we didn't have much 'stuff' and life seemed easier and simpler. As I got older and stuff accumulated, it was time-consuming to maintain and distracting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to another coming into my home because I see that I am not 'good enough', that I haven't 'done enough' and that they will find a flaw in my housework and demonstrate/communicate their disappointment, begin questioning me but not listening to my answers and thus become angry - I do not like experiencing myself as not good enough, as disappointing others, not 'knowing' the 'right' answers or as insecure within having no control over what another says or does.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my home being 'messy'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the 'stuff' in my house - because the more 'stuff' that I have, the more 'stuff' I have to worry about making sure it's in order and the higher the 'risk' of myself experiencing myself as anxious, nervous, distracted, and insecure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous, anxious, distracted, insecure, frustrated and/or angry when someone gives me a 'gift' that is not something that I would use every day because I see the gift as 'yet another thing' for me to have to be responsible for.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be come angry when others get me gifts or 'stuff' that I do not 'use everyday' because I have connected gifts and stuff that I don't use everyday to more work and less Time - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect anger and frustration to the 'stuff' in my home.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and depressed with the stuff in my house because I just don't know what to do with it all - additionally, I fear 'giving it away' or 'getting rid of it' because there may come a day when I will need it and in the moment that I need it and if I don't have it when I need it, I will have to buy another one or go without. Additionally, I experience guilt when I see myself giving/selling 'stuff' to others because I don't want them to have to go through the same negativity that I am in connection with 'stuff' as I see it as 'pawning it off' on others.
When and as I see that I am becoming overwhelmed with not knowing 'what to do' with the objects in my home as indicated by the frustration, blame, and anger I am projecting on these objects and thus my going into a pattern of avoidance so that I do not have to experience the frustration, blame, anger, and overwhelming-ness, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that within this I am perpetuating a pattern and if I remain in this pattern that nothing will change - that if I do not look at my anger, frustration, and blame self-honestly by bringing these points back to myself that I will continue to experience myself as overwhelmed, not get anything done, and not push to make improvements within my life, my environment, and my world.
So, in self-honesty and bringing the frustration, blame, and anger back to myself instead of projecting these experiences on to objects:
I see, realize, and understand that I am frustrated and angry with myself for not meeting the unreal expectations I have set for myself in relation to sorting myself, my environment, and my world out. This is not going to happen over-night - this is going to take years - and in-fact, it could take me longer than others because of the choices that I have made within my career, the lives that I am responsible for, my network, and my home - this is my life, this is my reality.
I commit myself to be patient with myself and to not 'rush' my process by moving myself to sort myself, my reality, my environment, and my world with moments and days instead of hours of Time on a clock as my process of self-support is one point that I can move in this way.
I commit myself to stopping my pattern of becoming overwhelmed by stopping my participation in the avoidance of frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat by instead, re-directing myself to self-forgive my frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat and within this, take responsibility for myself within these points so that I can actually make a change and/or make some progress with myself and my environment.
When and as I experience anxiety as a reaction to the thought of a family member visiting my home, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that this is a reaction to judging myself and thus a fear of embarrassment that I have adopted from others' experiences of themselves within my world. There is no realistic grounds for this judgement and fear to exist upon - and further, WHO exactly came up with this rule that my house has to look a certain way in order for me to be accepted? And WHY am I perpetuating this rule when it's obvious that it sucks?
I commit myself to no longer accept nor perpetuate the Rule that One's House Must Look A Certain Way and to instead, move myself to get done what needs to get done to ensure that my home is safe and comfortable.
I commit myself to remove the judgements of myself living within my home and thus remove the judgements of how others live in their homes by self-forgiving the points that come up within my daily process in relation to how a home is 'supposed' to look and why.
Additionally, as I explore the point now, I see that I am looking at a point of competition as well, where if my home is cleaner than another than I experience a 'good feeling' about myself - this is not cool. Why is it that I need a 'good feeling' and why must I place myself as 'better' than and 'above' another to get it?
This will continue with the Imagination Dimension.
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