Day 70: I Have Everything - Part 1

ART By Anna BrixThomsen

I have everything that I need and more than I want.  My home is filled with stuff.  It's everywhere.  And a great amount of my Time has be spent on organizing, moving, getting rid of, and getting more stuff. When I throw stuff out, give stuff away, or move stuff where I do not have to see it, it always comes back to the same - piled up somewhere.  Even if I am not out buying stuff, stuff always ends up here - I'm constantly given stuff.  It's distracting to me.  And what I want more than anything is to simply have a clear, well-organized space that's easy to maintain. But ... this stuff just won't go away ...

Self-Forgiveness for this point will be for the relationships that I have created/connected to this stuff as a whole.

Fear

- That I will die and all of this stuff will be left behind that I never sorted through - an thus, another will be responsible for sorting through what I could not get done myself.
- That others will visit my home and label me as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' for not creating a clean, organized space for my child to grow in 100% of the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not have enough time in my life to sort through myself, organize myself, and become responsible for myself/my world - and instead of seeing that I am speaking to myself about my fears and thus give myself an opportunity to become equal-to this fear, I projected this fear onto my environment as 'stuff' where I blamed all the stuff in my environment/home/living-space because it was easier to distract myself with 'stuff' outside of myself, react to it, and become overwhelmed within it as I exist in my mind only rather than bringing the 'stuff' back to myself  and seeing my relationship with myself within my relationship to 'stuff'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom' as indicated to me by my projection onto myself as others as me.  Instead of stopping, breathing, and becoming equal-to this blame-projection with writing and self-forgiveness for where this 'messy, lazy person' and 'bad mom' relationship connection to an unorganized home originated from within my experiences, I accepted, I allowed it, I became it, and I tried to enforce it/impress it upon others so that I did not have to change.

When and as I see that I am becoming tired, overwhelmed, worried, and/or rushed to organize my home because I am anxious and hurrying to avoid any future embarrassment, I stop. I breath. I slow myself down and I see, realize and understand that 1) death is going to come when it comes - I have no control over this nor do I have control over the reactions of others to what I may have left behind as done or not done - I do what I can with what time that I have and running around worrying, being tired, overwhelmed, hurried, rushed, and/or anxious to prepare for my death is not living, it's preparing to die; and 2) When I do die/leave my physical body and face my 'Creator'/myself, I would like to see that I was a life worth living and I would not like to see that I was a life of self-inflicted energetic reactions.

When and as I see that I am judging myself as a 'messy, lazy person' and a 'bad mom', I stop.  I breath.  I baaaaaaack it up.  I see, realize, and understand that I am enforcing/impressing on myself and others my programming within the fear that if I do not support this programming and thus 'keep myself and others in check', that I will lose myself as a my positive definition of/as a 'neat freak' because I 'can't stand messes' and that 'I care about the health and well-being of others living with me'.  This is a polarity trap that I have set for myself to keep me locked in and not questioning the system/myself as a system where I tell myself that a mom that doesn't have the 'perfect' house is bad mom and within this, try to make myself better by becoming my positive definition of a 'good mom' and a 'good person' which includes having a 'perfectly clean and organized home'.

I commit myself to stop preparing myself to die and instead focus on being a life which I will do by breathing and being present here.

I commit myself to no longer accepting allowing my 'Perfect Mom-Perfect Person-Perfect Home' character and system programming to exist within and as me - I will show myself that this character/system programming is unrealistic as I investigate with Self-Forgiveness and then re-direct myself as a Real Mom-Real Person living in a Real Home. And within this, I commit myself to no longer impress this character/system programming on to others but to instead share practical, common sense direction.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness for Thoughts in next entry.