In this blog I am writing out, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and making self-commitments to change for my Reactions to the point, "I Have Everything". For previous work within this point, see:
Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2 - Thoughts
Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3 - Imagination
Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4 - Backchat
Reactions
Negative - Rushing around my home from one task to another with no clear direction - within this, sighing, rubbing my face, expressing myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sighing and rubbing my face as I express myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time' when I look and see all the tasks I must complete in my home before I can experience myself as 'comfortable'. I have not seen, realized, nor understood how angry I have become that I do not allow myself to move slowly and/or rest because I tell and show myself that there's always 'something more to do' and that my house must be/look a certain way before I can truly relax. Everyday of my life has been me racing against the clock because with each passing day, it never gets better and so I tell myself that I am simply not working hard enough or that I am not doing enough with my time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with others as well as myself that I cannot relax/rest when and as others are relaxing. I have not allowed myself to slow myself down enough to hear myself tell myself that the time spent doing things that I might enjoy or that require me to be off my feet are a waste of my time. And thus, I have allowed myself to be/become resentful of others that are able to relax, rest, slow themselves down, and not be compelled/motivated/driven to constantly be 'on the move'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not being able to relax, rest, and or enjoy moments 'off my feet' because the way I'm seeing others is as lazy - and if they would take the time to assist me with what needs to be done instead of relaxing, resting, and participating in times that they enjoy, that chores/things that need to get done around my house would get done twice as fast and then we would all have the opportunity to relax. I'm seeing myself as doing all of the work and/or the only person in my home motivated to create a comfortable, safe, relaxing, and clutter-free environment for myself and my family.
Positive - When I make progress within cleaning/clearing out areas in my home and making them organized, I experience accomplishment and happiness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively to being in an area of my home that I have cleaned/cleared and/or organized to my mind's standards and definitions of what 'looks' best where when I am able to make myself physically and mentally comfortable and/or stable in a space in my home, I experience a 'sense' of 'accomplishment' and 'happiness'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' my home only if specific tasks are completed.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about myself when I am projecting my reactions, emotions, and feelings onto my home. I have not allowed myself to see: that I am uncomfortable with myself unless I 'look' clean, well-organized, and 'attractive enough'; that I do not 'like' myself nor experience accomplishment and/or happiness if I do not appear to myself and others as clean, clear, and organized. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by myself as my mind's eye/view of what 'clean, cleared, and organized' looks like and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of this unreal expectation of myself, to never have developed self-love.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the 'sense of' 'happiness' and 'accomplishment' as positive feelings to cover up the truth of my matter which is: I don't like myself very much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I will 'only like me' when I do what I, as my mind, direct myself to do - and within this, allowing myself to chase after an infinite dangling carrot instead of being here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the person that I see myself being/becoming in the future is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am never going to be 'good enough' for myself if I continue to direct myself based on what I, as my mind, shows/tells me is required for me to be 'good enough'.
When and as I see myself within a loop of returning back to something in my physical environment over and over again within my environment as an obsessive pattern of checking with my mind to see if what I've done is 'good enough'. I stop. I BREATH. I see, realize, and understand that this is me from/as my mind, entrapping me into an obsessive-compulsive pattern as to make sure that my time continues to be 'tied up', instead of giving myself time to realize myself within physical relaxation. I commit myself to stop going back to projects and/or work that I've done within my environment to check to see if my 'mind approves' by slowing myself down so that I can see myself within this pattern and actually telling myself to STOP - and thus, I do not allow myself to be trapped.
When and as I see that I am looking toward a version of myself that is not how/what/where I am in that moment, I stop. I bring myself back to who I am, here. I see, realize, and understand that who/what/where I am is/has been/ever will be here in the moment in breath. I commit myself to stop creating a version of myself as how, what, who, and where I will be in the future within the realization that this is not real - this person does not exists - and so, I stop - I breath myself back to myself in the moment.
When and as I see that I am trying to cover up the negatives that I see around me and/or within me with positives, I stop. I back up my process of thoughts that lead to my positive thought to the original negative point. I self-forgive myself in the moment for accepting and allowing the negative, positive, polarity, and over-compensating points to exist within and as me. I commit myself to stopping this pattern of covering of the negative stuff with positive stuff.
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