Backchat"It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized."
"It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of "It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized," to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind-blame-backchat on others instead of see, realizing, and understanding that I am communicating to myself about myself. In relation to this back-chat of, "It's their fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized." I show myself pictures of myself leaving messes all over the house - but I do not want to see myself as the 'problem' so I project it onto others and change the picture from seeing myself as the problem to seeing others as leaving messes all over the house.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be clean and organized when I, am in-fact, not clean and organized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to pick-up after themselves when I, am in-fact, not picking up after myself. Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my mind-blame-projection onto others by telling myself, "Well. Atleast -I- eventually get to my messes AND their messes and -they- do not."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in response to an experience of guilt when others 'pick-up' after me rather than moving myself in breath as 'this gets done because it has to be done'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as the others that live in my home with me because if I had, I would have seen, realized, and understood that we are all equally overwhelmed with our environment and thus, it is easier to 'escape' into our mind where we can try to ignore the problem rather than fix it so that we all can enjoy our environment. Because I did not allow myself to be equal to this point as myself and equal to this point as others, I blamed and became frustrated instead of working on a solution that we can all agree on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of, "It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized," to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it's my world's fault for making me the way that I am - it's my worlds fault for making me a person that exists in constant anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt, and frustration in relation to how my home 'has to look'. I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I have accepted and allowed every memory and reaction to exist within and without side of me. And, instead of investigating these reactions and memories, I simply accepted the reactions and memories as 'who I am'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my home, the others in my home, and the others outside of my home that may come into my home rather than working on a plan for prevention. Instead of communicating with my partner and my children about what needs to be done to keep our home in cool working order and thus prevent anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt and frustration in the future.
I commit myself to prevent my reactions to my home by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction. As an additional level of support for myself and the non-Destonians in my home, I further commit myself to prevent reactions to our home by working out a 'plan of movement' for how we can work as a group to get our home to where we are 'comfortable' within it and then a 'plan of prevention' to keep the messes and disorganization from piling up in the future.
When and as I see that I am becoming angry, frustrated, and/or spiteful because I am cleaning up the messes of myself and others, I stop. I bring myself out of my mind and back to myself here where I see, realize, and understand that we must be working on our home together as a group - and that I am not allowing this because I do not want to slow down so that I can assist and support others to understand/learn/agree-upon what we can do as a group to assist and support each other as prevention for any of us experiencing anger, frustration, overwhelmed-ness, and guilt. I commit myself to stop compromising myself by taking on the largest percentage of responsibility to maintain/take-care/work-on our home by instead, in moments where I am seeing where I am reacting and/or there is no change to STOP and write down what I am reacting to/what is not changing so that we can discuss and work on solutions/preventions equally and realistically as a group.
In the next writing, I'll be looking at my Reactions.
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