Day 184: The Gift of Reaction

Recently, someone said to me, "You're always trying to make it look like I'm not doing my job," and, "You're always so rude towards me."  I found that I took these statements as quite a hard blow because in my mind, I have this idea of myself as being a supportive and responsible person and in-relation to this specific person, I have given them care, I have sacrificed my time, I have provided them financial stability, and I have assisted them with work and social related skills.

I reacted to what they were saying about me because there was something that was being said about me that I did not want to face and be honest with myself about out which was that there were many times when I had been rude to this person and there were certainly times within my thoughts, my backchat, and my actions, where I had attempted to make it look like this person was not doing their job - where, I created a believable story in my mind of how this person is ineffective, unmotivated and distracted and a result of that, this person only does their work half-way or not at all.

Because I allowed this judgmental story of the other person to exist within and as me and did not direct the point to self-forgiveness and self-correction, I allowed myself to see myself as justified for being rude or would tell myself that I wasn't actually being rude and that I was being supportive which covered up the fact that I was handling another in a way that I would not like to be handled myself. And this is why I reacted because I was being held accountable for my thoughts, words, and deeds as well as, at the same time, being shown where I could change myself and improve upon how I communicate, share, and support others.

So, looking at it self-honestly, I am aware that I must change this point, otherwise, I am going to continue to be influenced by it each and every time that it comes up in my day-to-day living.  And the only way to change it is to stop allowing myself to go into my thoughts and backchats in regards to what others are doing and instead focus on my own participation and process and really get into perfecting how I am doing things and make sure that I am living up to my own expectations, my own guidelines, and my own principles.

During the time that this point opened up, I was working a lot of hours at work and so my solution for sorting out where I was not standing was to speak the self-forgiveness and self-correction during my 30 minute commute in the car to work.  This is where I saw that the other person - the one who said that I was rude and making it seem as though they weren't doing their job - was actually doing quite an effective job of supporting my self-awareness, self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-correction.  They did all the work for me and all that was required is that I open it up, take a look, be humble, embrace it, and be grateful for the gift of myself and the opportunity to change, to RE-ACT something about myself that is out of alignment.

Day 123: How Could You Do This To Me? -- Self-Commitments

Traumatic Event 1 - Part 4

Day 120: How Could You Do This To Me?
Part 2 - Day 121: Self-Forgiveness 
Part 3 - Day 122: Self-Correction
In this blog, I am walking Day 123: Self-Commitments





I commit myself to stopping my participation play-outs with/as/in my memories where instead of allowing myself to participate, going-all with, and imagine ideal outcomes, I commit myself to re-direct my memories to writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.

I commit myself to stopping my projecting my past experiences, memories, events, and traumas onto others as pre-determined blame, opinion, and assumption.  I commit myself to re-mind myself that when I project I am self-communicating and, instead of separating myself from this communication, I bring this communication back to myself where I investigate myself within this communication, write it out, self-forgive, and self-correct.

I commit myself to stop punishing myself with my past experiences and memories by first reminding myself that the past is not here - it is done, it does not define me, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Additionally, I commit myself to remind myself that me going back to my past over-and-over-and-over again is another point of self-communication that I am trying to ignore rather than become equal-to and change myself that it does not happen again in the future.    I commit myself to stop hiding from myself, allow myself to write out my past experiences, my participation in my past experiences, my reactions to my past experiences, and to take responsibility for myself within and as my past experiences with self-forgiveness.  From here, I commit myself to write self-correction and self-commitment until my past experiences no longer direct/move me and it is done.

I commit myself to stopping myself from defining/re-defining personalities/characters with 'if-then' statements by reminding myself of my commitment to stopping myself from attempting/trying to change and/or rescript my past experiences, events, and memories.

I commit myself to stop attempting/trying to force others into pre-defined supporting characters within seeing, realizing, and understanding that this is pointless, causes conflict, and sets me up for disappointment.

I commit myself to stop looking for apologies, remorse, regret and 'I'm sorry', from others outside of myself by assisting and supporting myself to give this to myself with self-forgiveness where I take responsibility for my thoughts, mind-participation/acceptance/allowance, my reactions, and my decisions that have physically and mentally caused me harm.

I commit myself to investigate ways of caring for myself, creating a safer environment for myself, and strengthening my self-trust.  Within this, I commit myself to assisting, supporting, and standing for a solution that will provide this care, safety, and self-trust for everyone.

Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and on Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3, I looked at my Imagination.  In this blog, I'm writing out my Backchat.

Backchat

"It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized."
"It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of "It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind-blame-backchat on others instead of see, realizing, and understanding that I am communicating to myself about myself.  In relation to this back-chat of, "It's their fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized." I show myself pictures of myself leaving messes all over the house - but I do not want to see myself as the 'problem' so I project it onto others and change the picture from seeing myself as the problem to seeing others as leaving messes all over the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be clean and organized when I, am in-fact, not clean and organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to pick-up after themselves when I, am in-fact, not picking up after myself.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my mind-blame-projection onto others by telling myself, "Well.  Atleast -I- eventually get to my messes AND their messes and -they- do not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in response to an experience of guilt when others 'pick-up' after me rather than moving myself in breath as 'this gets done because it has to be done'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as the others that live in my home with me because if I had, I would have seen, realized, and understood that we are all equally overwhelmed with our environment and thus, it is easier to 'escape' into our mind where we can try to ignore the problem rather than fix it so that we all can enjoy our environment.  Because I did not allow myself to be equal to this point as myself and equal to this point as others, I blamed and became frustrated instead of working on a solution that we can all agree on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of, "It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it's my world's fault for making me the way that I am - it's my worlds fault for making me a person that exists in constant anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt, and frustration in relation to how my home 'has to look'.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I have accepted and allowed every memory and reaction to exist within and without side of me.  And, instead of investigating these reactions and memories, I simply accepted the reactions and memories as 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my home, the others in my home, and the others outside of my home that may come into my home rather than working on a plan for prevention.  Instead of communicating with my partner and my children about what needs to be done to keep our home in cool working order and thus prevent anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt and frustration in the future.

I commit myself to prevent my reactions to my home by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction.  As an additional level of support for myself and the non-Destonians in my home, I further commit myself to prevent reactions to our home by working out a 'plan of movement' for how we can work as a group to get our home to where we are 'comfortable' within it and then a 'plan of prevention' to keep the messes and disorganization from piling up in the future.

When and as I see that I am becoming angry, frustrated, and/or spiteful because I am cleaning up the messes of myself and others, I stop.  I bring myself out of my mind and back to myself here where I see, realize, and understand that we must be working on our home together as a group - and that I am not allowing this because I do not want to slow down so that I can assist and support others to understand/learn/agree-upon what we can do as a group to assist and support each other as prevention for any of us experiencing anger, frustration, overwhelmed-ness, and guilt.  I commit myself to stop compromising myself by taking on the largest percentage of responsibility to maintain/take-care/work-on our home by instead, in moments where I am seeing where I am reacting and/or there is no change to STOP and write down what I am reacting to/what is not changing so that we can discuss and work on solutions/preventions equally and realistically as a group.

In the next writing, I'll be looking at my Reactions.

Day 58: Nothing I Do Is Wrong - Self-Forgiveness, Continued

 

This blog is a continuation of:
Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong
Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued
Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for
Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued  
Day 53: I Am More - More Than You
Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,
Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued
Day 50: I Am Above This 
Day 49: I Am Perfect, and
Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my back-chat blame others for me not assisting and supporting myself where I tell myself within myself, "I can't work on this point because -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out." I have not wanted to see: That I am expecting others to do for me what I am not doing for myself and thus, I am abdicating myself. And, that I have been equally not supportive of others in my world by not making an effort to understand, not taking an interest in others work/blogs/activities, pushing others buttons, and not giving others space to work on figuring themselves out/developing themselves.  Instead of taking responsibility for this and directing this within my reality, I transformed it into blame in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others in my world for something that I was, in-fact, doing myself instead of taking responsibility for not supporting myself and others and thus, within doing this, asking others in my world to equally support me so we all have the opportunity to become equal and one in taking responsibility for the support of ourselves and each other instead of me accepting and allowing the blame inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create inner-conflict in my mind toward others in my world through accepting and allowing myself to blame others in my back-chat instead of communicating with myself and others about not being supportive and within this, coming to a practical solution instead of accepting and allowing myself to generate more and more and more conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame within myself as my mind-back-chat instead of investigating my reactions towards others in my world within myself and then taking responsibility for what I'm experiencing, accepting and allowing within myself - but instead I've been taking it out on everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within my mind and because of this, I have been sabotaging my relationship with myself and my relationships with others in my world through not establishing communication with myself in investigating my own accepted and allowed mind-reactions of back-chat and thus not establishing effective communication with others in my world, where the relationship within me then became that of blame instead of equal and one consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to others within my mind as back-chat within blame instead of initiating actual direct and clear communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to come up and exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take an interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," was, in-fact, me speaking to myself, but I accepted and allowed myself to project it in blame towards others in my world and to not see, realize, and understand that I am doing the exact same thing in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the back-chat, "I cannot work on this point because -you- do not support me, -you- do not understand, -you- do not take interest in my blogs, -you- are pushing my buttons, and -you- won't give me the space to work on this and figure this out," to blame others in my world instead of taking responsibility for me in myself in my world, but instead accepted and allowed myself to resort to blame instead of me taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my own tendency of not being supportive onto/towards others in my world where I create conflict with others in my world and not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that all along, I have been showing myself through others in my world that I have the exact same tendency of not being supportive - I didn't see, realize, nor understand this because I accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with blame.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am not taking responsibility for my not being supportive, that I am suppressing it, denying it, ignoring it with me and instead I am taking it on others in my world and projecting myself as a person who is not supportive onto/towards others only as it's more convenient to blame others rather than to take responsibility for myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give into the convenience of blame in my mind through back-chat instead of taking responsibility for me and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my communication with myself and others within my world through accepting and allowing myself to participate within back-chat of blame for something I did not take responsibility for and then trying to project my own responsibility onto/towards others in my world only and thus making everyone else the cause/source/origin of the problem, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that the blame that I am blaming others in my world for is in-fact what I have not taken responsibility for in my world, within myself.

The next blog: Self-Correction for 'Nothing I Do Is Wrong'.

Day 57: Nothing I Do Is Wrong

This blog entry is continued writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction from Day 56: I Am More Than You - Self-Correction, Continued,  Day 55: I Am More - More Than You - Self-Correction for Day 54: I Am More - More Than You - Continued,  Day 53: I Am More - More Than You , Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person



"Nothing I do is wrong."

Lol.

So, as I have been working on changing myself and my living with self-forgiveness and self-correction, I was given and opportunity to test my application and it did not work as when someone in my immediate world said, again, "Yeah, we ALL know that you're more than this, that you're better than this and that all the decisions that you make are right ..." and I reacted - I got real angry because I had told this person that I was working on this point of seeing myself as more, better, and right and instead of allowing me the space to figure it out and trust that I was working on it, they PUSHED.  I got pissed off, spouted off several 'F-Bombs' and walked away with an expression of, "Get the fuck away from me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience a moment of insanity when I bring the comment, "Nothing you do is wrong ..." back to myself.  I laugh, I rub my face, my eyes, and I push on my fore-head.  Within my mind, I say, "What the fuck -- Nothing I do is RIGHT ... what the hell is wrong with these people ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience uncomfortableness when someone outside of myself tells me, with a tiny bit of sarcasm, "Nothing YOU do is WRONG," - when I hear this, anger rises up from within me and I clench my teeth to suppress myself from exploding while the back-chat builds and builds and builds: "Jesus fucking christ, I'm walking this fucking point - cut me some slack here.  I'm writing it out, I'm doing the work - ARE YOU" -- and instead of breathing, I allow the back-chat and eventually release my back-chat on my accuser within complete energy possession.

Breeeeeeeeath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my immediate world to support me within my writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction by reading my blogs, being gentle with me as I work on points, and being careful to not 'trigger' points that I am working on self-correcting.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others to support me to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in my mind see that others in my immediate world will support me by taking an interest in my writing, respect my honesty and my decision to take on the points that are coming up, and be gentle with me as I 'figure it out'.  In the picture in my mind I see others giving me a supportive hug, a thumbs up, a caring smile, and a quietness about them as they give me the required space to work myself out.

It Seems So Easy in my Mind - By Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the expectation of others in my world always supporting me to take over in my mind and thus allow myself to become energy possessed - where if I do not get the support that I expect from others in my immediate world, then I immediately go into back-chat towards myself as, "I do nothing right ..." and others as, "-I- am doing the work -- and -you're- not," because I believe that the others in my immediate world that I support should support me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that by allowing myself to expect for others in my immediate world to support me that I am accepting and allowing myself to self-sabotage my self-relationship and others relationships with themselves and expanding themselves to begin writing, self-forgiving, and self-correcting - instead, I tell myself that MY chosen way is the RIGHT way and in telling myself this, I demonstrate via my words, communications and physical expressions that any other way is wrong. Thus, instead of allowing others to develop a self-relationship, I am expecting that others, first and foremost, revolve and change around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my relationship with others in my immediate world through not giving others my support when and as I see that they are not doing what I see as right by writing, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and reading Journey To Life blogs and in this, I have isolated myself from the people in my world because I see them as doing 'it all wrong' and thus expect that all must do it my way, the right way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not," to exist within and as me when others in my immediate world do not support me by being gentle, being respectful, allowing me the space to 'figure it out', and being aware that my triggers/'buttons' may be sensitive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask the others in my world to support me by being gentle, being respectful, and allowing me space to 'figure it out' before testing out my triggers/buttons but instead I reacted in back-chat of, "I do nothing 'right' -- but atleast -I- am doing the work and -you're- not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately react in back-chat to others in my immediate world where in my mind I make assumptions instead of asking them for their support.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to and react to my back-chat rather than establishing and developing real communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create mind-back-chat towards others within hearing, "We all know that you are more than this, that you are better than this, and that all the decisions you make are right ..." instead of physically communicating with them.

Self-Forgiveness continued in next blog.