Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and on Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3, I looked at my Imagination.  In this blog, I'm writing out my Backchat.

Backchat

"It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized."
"It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of "It's -their- fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my mind-blame-backchat on others instead of see, realizing, and understanding that I am communicating to myself about myself.  In relation to this back-chat of, "It's their fault that I cannot keep my home clean and organized." I show myself pictures of myself leaving messes all over the house - but I do not want to see myself as the 'problem' so I project it onto others and change the picture from seeing myself as the problem to seeing others as leaving messes all over the house.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to be clean and organized when I, am in-fact, not clean and organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to pick-up after themselves when I, am in-fact, not picking up after myself.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my mind-blame-projection onto others by telling myself, "Well.  Atleast -I- eventually get to my messes AND their messes and -they- do not."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself in response to an experience of guilt when others 'pick-up' after me rather than moving myself in breath as 'this gets done because it has to be done'.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as the others that live in my home with me because if I had, I would have seen, realized, and understood that we are all equally overwhelmed with our environment and thus, it is easier to 'escape' into our mind where we can try to ignore the problem rather than fix it so that we all can enjoy our environment.  Because I did not allow myself to be equal to this point as myself and equal to this point as others, I blamed and became frustrated instead of working on a solution that we can all agree on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat of, "It's -their- fault that I -have- to be clean and organized," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that it's my world's fault for making me the way that I am - it's my worlds fault for making me a person that exists in constant anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt, and frustration in relation to how my home 'has to look'.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I have accepted and allowed every memory and reaction to exist within and without side of me.  And, instead of investigating these reactions and memories, I simply accepted the reactions and memories as 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my home, the others in my home, and the others outside of my home that may come into my home rather than working on a plan for prevention.  Instead of communicating with my partner and my children about what needs to be done to keep our home in cool working order and thus prevent anxiety, overwhelmed-ness, anger, guilt and frustration in the future.

I commit myself to prevent my reactions to my home by assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness and self-correction.  As an additional level of support for myself and the non-Destonians in my home, I further commit myself to prevent reactions to our home by working out a 'plan of movement' for how we can work as a group to get our home to where we are 'comfortable' within it and then a 'plan of prevention' to keep the messes and disorganization from piling up in the future.

When and as I see that I am becoming angry, frustrated, and/or spiteful because I am cleaning up the messes of myself and others, I stop.  I bring myself out of my mind and back to myself here where I see, realize, and understand that we must be working on our home together as a group - and that I am not allowing this because I do not want to slow down so that I can assist and support others to understand/learn/agree-upon what we can do as a group to assist and support each other as prevention for any of us experiencing anger, frustration, overwhelmed-ness, and guilt.  I commit myself to stop compromising myself by taking on the largest percentage of responsibility to maintain/take-care/work-on our home by instead, in moments where I am seeing where I am reacting and/or there is no change to STOP and write down what I am reacting to/what is not changing so that we can discuss and work on solutions/preventions equally and realistically as a group.

In the next writing, I'll be looking at my Reactions.

Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3

 

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 71: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and in this blog I'm looking at the Imagination Dimension in relation to points that came to the surface when writing this point.

Imagination

I imagine that everything that I have in my home is neat, organized, clean and in the same place every time.  To me, this is perfection that I can live, be comfortable, relax and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my imagination set the standard of the 'perfect home' where everything within the home is neat, organized, clean, and in the same place every time - always.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that I have set an expectation of myself that I have not come close to achieving since I was between the ages of 22 and 25.  Because I -was- able to achieve that which was what I saw as a 'close to perfect' home in my past, I keep going back to my past and trying to re-create my past so that I can again experience the comfortableness that I had at that moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration, confusion, anger, and blame because I have not been able to get my home back to the 'way it was' many years ago.  And within this, I have continually made it so that I cannot have a 'simple', organized, and clean home because I must 'have everything'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I tell myself that I 'need' everything because many years ago, I gave up my perfectly organized home where I had 'everything that I needed', threw-out/gave-away/sold most of my belongings, and had to start over from scratch where instead of picking out only what I needed or working with what I had - I kept buying stuff and or accepting stuff from others because I was trying to re-build the life that I once had.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that because after I 'gave up' my home/belongings and began the process of re-establishing myself in a different location with 'nothing', that I learned to accept 'hand-outs' - no matter what these hand-outs were - and thus, even after I re-established myself, I experienced an obligation to others to 'take their stuff' and to express appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store pictures within my mind of rooms where there is barely nothing in them aside a bed, a chair, a lamp, and one or two random objects - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached this picture of bare rooms to the thoughts of, "That is a perfect space with no more than what one needs.  That is how I would like my spaces to be. By today's standards, the persons living in that home would be seen as 'poor' ... but it's so simple.  I wish I could live like that," and then the negative as, "It's not possible ... it would take too much work and my family would not be happy ... so I am stuck with all this stuff," that I turn into a positive, "Anything is possible.  I will work on it!  I can do this!"  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am trying to do something to my home and my living that is not realistic - I live in 2012 and live with two other beings who do not 'see' what I imagine as a 'perfect home' as being their 'perfect home' - in-fact, they are comfortable being surrounded by things and collections of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress pictures, images, and memories of the past onto my present and future living environment instead of being here, breathing here, and seeing who I am within the relationships that I have connected to all of the objects in my home.

When and as I see that I am super-imposing past pictures, images, and memories of environments onto my present and future environment, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that it's best for me to be present within my present with the presents I have as a present to myself.  

I commit myself to stop projecting the past and/or imagined pictures onto my present living environment as I see, realize, and understand that it does not exist and instead, work on bringing myself here in breath as the moment of breath is all that is real.

I commit myself to bring the points as objects in my environment back to myself where I investigate these points, determine if these points are what's best, and keep and/or remove these points as required within what's best.  Within this, I use the tools of self-forgiveness for the objects within my home as I sort through Everything to determine what 'stays' and what I 'let go of' and from here, walk the process of removal of objects as required.

Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2

ART by Rozelle Destonian De Lange

On day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  Here I am continuing with Thoughts.

Thoughts

- A person in my immediate life walking through the door and seeing that the house is messy or that I haven't completed my 'chores' - they are disappointed, begin questioning me, and then become extremely angry.

- Same person is anxious before guests come into the home: will clean for a day or two if someone is coming into the house that they do not 'know', uncomfortable about 'neat people' coming to visit, nervous/defensive/embarrassed/apologetic if someone drops by unexpectedly and they haven't cleaned.

- Before I was 5 or 6, we didn't have much 'stuff' and life seemed easier and simpler.  As I got older and stuff accumulated, it was time-consuming to maintain and distracting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to another coming into my home because I see that I am not 'good enough', that I haven't 'done enough' and that they will find a flaw in my housework and demonstrate/communicate their disappointment, begin questioning me but not listening to my answers and thus become angry - I do not like experiencing myself as not good enough, as disappointing others, not 'knowing' the 'right' answers or as insecure within having no control over what another says or does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my home being 'messy'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the 'stuff' in my house - because the more 'stuff' that I have, the more 'stuff' I have to worry about making sure it's in order and the higher the 'risk' of myself experiencing myself as anxious, nervous, distracted, and insecure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous, anxious, distracted, insecure, frustrated and/or angry when someone gives me a 'gift' that is not something that I would use every day because I see the gift as 'yet another thing' for me to have to be responsible for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be come angry when others get me gifts or 'stuff' that I do not 'use everyday' because I have connected gifts and stuff that I don't use everyday to more work and less Time - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to connect anger and frustration to the 'stuff' in my home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience being overwhelmed and depressed with the stuff in my house because I just don't know what to do with it all - additionally, I fear 'giving it away' or 'getting rid of it' because there may come a day when I will need it and in the moment that I need it and if I don't have it when I need it, I will have to buy another one or go without. Additionally, I experience guilt when I see myself giving/selling 'stuff' to others because I don't want them to have to go through the same negativity that I am in connection with 'stuff' as I see it as 'pawning it off' on others.

When and as I see that I am becoming overwhelmed with not knowing 'what to do' with the objects in my home as indicated by the frustration, blame, and anger I am projecting on these objects and thus my going into a pattern of avoidance so that I do not have to experience the frustration, blame, anger, and overwhelming-ness, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that within this I am perpetuating a pattern and if I remain in this pattern that nothing will change - that if I do not look at my anger, frustration, and blame self-honestly by bringing these points back to myself that I will continue to experience myself as overwhelmed, not get anything done, and not push to make improvements within my life, my environment, and my world.

So, in self-honesty and bringing the frustration, blame, and anger back to myself instead of projecting these experiences on to objects:
I see, realize, and understand that I am frustrated and angry with myself for not meeting the unreal expectations I have set for myself in relation to sorting myself, my environment, and my world out.  This is not going to happen over-night - this is going to take years - and in-fact, it could take me longer than others because of the choices that I have made within my career, the lives that I am responsible for, my network, and my home - this is my life, this is my reality.
 

I commit myself to be patient with myself and to not 'rush' my process by moving myself to sort myself, my reality, my environment, and my world with moments and days instead of hours of Time on a clock as my process of self-support is one point that I can move in this way.

I commit myself to stopping my pattern of becoming overwhelmed by stopping my participation in the avoidance of frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat by instead, re-directing myself to self-forgive my frustration, anger, and blame-back-chat and within this, take responsibility for myself within these points so that I can actually make a change and/or make some progress with myself and my environment.

When and as I experience anxiety as a reaction to the thought of a family member visiting my home, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is a reaction to judging myself and thus a fear of embarrassment that I have adopted from others' experiences of themselves within my world.  There is no realistic grounds for this judgement and fear to exist upon - and further, WHO exactly came up with this rule that my house has to look a certain way in order for me to be accepted? And WHY am I perpetuating this rule when it's obvious that it sucks?

I commit myself to no longer accept nor perpetuate the Rule that One's House Must Look A Certain Way and to instead, move myself to get done what needs to get done to ensure that my home is safe and comfortable.

I commit myself to remove the judgements of myself living within my home and thus remove the judgements of how others live in their homes by self-forgiving the points that come up within my daily process in relation to how a home is 'supposed' to look and why.  

Additionally, as I explore the point now, I see that I am looking at a point of competition as well, where if my home is cleaner than another than I experience a 'good feeling' about myself - this is not cool. Why is it that I need a 'good feeling' and why must I place myself as 'better' than and 'above' another to get it?

 This will continue with the Imagination Dimension.