Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3

 

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 71: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and in this blog I'm looking at the Imagination Dimension in relation to points that came to the surface when writing this point.

Imagination

I imagine that everything that I have in my home is neat, organized, clean and in the same place every time.  To me, this is perfection that I can live, be comfortable, relax and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my imagination set the standard of the 'perfect home' where everything within the home is neat, organized, clean, and in the same place every time - always.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that I have set an expectation of myself that I have not come close to achieving since I was between the ages of 22 and 25.  Because I -was- able to achieve that which was what I saw as a 'close to perfect' home in my past, I keep going back to my past and trying to re-create my past so that I can again experience the comfortableness that I had at that moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration, confusion, anger, and blame because I have not been able to get my home back to the 'way it was' many years ago.  And within this, I have continually made it so that I cannot have a 'simple', organized, and clean home because I must 'have everything'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I tell myself that I 'need' everything because many years ago, I gave up my perfectly organized home where I had 'everything that I needed', threw-out/gave-away/sold most of my belongings, and had to start over from scratch where instead of picking out only what I needed or working with what I had - I kept buying stuff and or accepting stuff from others because I was trying to re-build the life that I once had.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that because after I 'gave up' my home/belongings and began the process of re-establishing myself in a different location with 'nothing', that I learned to accept 'hand-outs' - no matter what these hand-outs were - and thus, even after I re-established myself, I experienced an obligation to others to 'take their stuff' and to express appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store pictures within my mind of rooms where there is barely nothing in them aside a bed, a chair, a lamp, and one or two random objects - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached this picture of bare rooms to the thoughts of, "That is a perfect space with no more than what one needs.  That is how I would like my spaces to be. By today's standards, the persons living in that home would be seen as 'poor' ... but it's so simple.  I wish I could live like that," and then the negative as, "It's not possible ... it would take too much work and my family would not be happy ... so I am stuck with all this stuff," that I turn into a positive, "Anything is possible.  I will work on it!  I can do this!"  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am trying to do something to my home and my living that is not realistic - I live in 2012 and live with two other beings who do not 'see' what I imagine as a 'perfect home' as being their 'perfect home' - in-fact, they are comfortable being surrounded by things and collections of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress pictures, images, and memories of the past onto my present and future living environment instead of being here, breathing here, and seeing who I am within the relationships that I have connected to all of the objects in my home.

When and as I see that I am super-imposing past pictures, images, and memories of environments onto my present and future environment, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that it's best for me to be present within my present with the presents I have as a present to myself.  

I commit myself to stop projecting the past and/or imagined pictures onto my present living environment as I see, realize, and understand that it does not exist and instead, work on bringing myself here in breath as the moment of breath is all that is real.

I commit myself to bring the points as objects in my environment back to myself where I investigate these points, determine if these points are what's best, and keep and/or remove these points as required within what's best.  Within this, I use the tools of self-forgiveness for the objects within my home as I sort through Everything to determine what 'stays' and what I 'let go of' and from here, walk the process of removal of objects as required.

Day 53: I Am More - More Than You

The Religion of $elf By Andrew Gable

This blog entry is a continuation of Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more than others - more important, more worthy, more able, more responsible, more knowledgeable, more insightful, more in-control, more of a person ... and the list goes on and on...  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that the MORE-NESS I experience is actually a compensation for the LESS-NESS that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive meaning and feeling experience to the word 'MORE' and a negative meaning and emotional experience to the word 'LESS'.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a neutral meaning to the words 'More-Or-Less' as a means to balance myself out from the negative to positive, to not commit myself to any one answer, to take the 'middle road', and to abdicate myself.   Instead of seeing myself within this polarity cycle and thus assisting and supporting myself to free myself from this cycle, I chose to not see it because the rewards I get from being/having MORE, feeds my Ego, confirms myself as being 'better' within my mind, allows me to experience myself with pride for accomplishing something, and gives me another dit-mark on my competition score board.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that to experience 'MORE' and the rewards promised by having more, that I first have to experience myself as and/or having less. I have locked myself in a continuous cycles of ups/downs and highs/lows with my neutral balancing experiences of Faith and Hope that I will once again experience MORE-NESS.

I forgive myself that my acceptance and allowance of wanting/being/becoming/doing/see myself as/others seeing me as more has made me into the PERFECT CONSUMER and thus the PERFECT SLAVE.  Because I have agreed and bought into the wanting, desiring, and needing for more, I have LESS - less time with my family, less time to realize myself, less money, less rest, less time to consider the needs of others in my world, and less time to consider a solution for any of these - I have not seen this because I have been consumed with getting more to compensate for the moments of less - where in order to have 'more', I must work 'more' and so work becomes more and life becomes less.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this more and less relationship functions within and as my physical world - where the more we take from our world, the less we have, and thus the more we need it.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I accept and allow a more and/or less experience to exist within and as me, it will exist within and as my world - and if I do not see it in myself then I will not see it in my world.  So when we are taking more substance from our physical world, we are diminishing this substance to less and because we are consumed with getting more, and more, and MORE ... and because each do not consider giving back what we've been given, we are not able to stabilize and/or equalize our physical world substance nor ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that at a very early age I allowed myself to be programmed to become the perfect consumer and the perfect slave - I did not see, realize, understand nor for one moment question this because this is the world that I was raised in - I watched others within my immediate world, others outside, and the continual flow from media that showed me that this is what existence is:  We work, we eat, we have fun on the weekends, we have sex, we go to the bathroom, and some of us may be more lucky than others to have a family - I accepted this as Living and thus allowed myself to make this my Life as it was easier to follow my pre-programming rather than to stand by myself within and as myself, frustrated/angry/shocked, shaking my head and saying, 'There must be a better way ..."

 Continued in next entry.