Day 154: I'm Broken

Two weeks ago I fractured my ankle and have been told that it will take a total 6-weeks to heal.  For the most of the these past two weeks I've been on the couch with my leg elevated and I am just now getting to the point in my recovery process of where I can start working at my desk again.  I have been writing daily in a notebook and am sharing this writing starting here:

Monday, August 26, 2013

I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out.

In the moment before I took that wrong step, I was reacting.  I was angry, I was disappointed, and I was backchatting.

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern.

Now I am looking at a 6-week recovery time.  And thus far, I have been able to do very little.  All that I can do is decide how to move or IF I actually can which has assisted in putting my process of slowing myself down into perspective as I now see, realize, and understand what and how it is to have a relationship in every moment of every breath with my physical body and what's in my immediate external environment where I have to be present and consider everything when and as I move.

Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3

 

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 71: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and in this blog I'm looking at the Imagination Dimension in relation to points that came to the surface when writing this point.

Imagination

I imagine that everything that I have in my home is neat, organized, clean and in the same place every time.  To me, this is perfection that I can live, be comfortable, relax and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my imagination set the standard of the 'perfect home' where everything within the home is neat, organized, clean, and in the same place every time - always.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that I have set an expectation of myself that I have not come close to achieving since I was between the ages of 22 and 25.  Because I -was- able to achieve that which was what I saw as a 'close to perfect' home in my past, I keep going back to my past and trying to re-create my past so that I can again experience the comfortableness that I had at that moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration, confusion, anger, and blame because I have not been able to get my home back to the 'way it was' many years ago.  And within this, I have continually made it so that I cannot have a 'simple', organized, and clean home because I must 'have everything'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I tell myself that I 'need' everything because many years ago, I gave up my perfectly organized home where I had 'everything that I needed', threw-out/gave-away/sold most of my belongings, and had to start over from scratch where instead of picking out only what I needed or working with what I had - I kept buying stuff and or accepting stuff from others because I was trying to re-build the life that I once had.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that because after I 'gave up' my home/belongings and began the process of re-establishing myself in a different location with 'nothing', that I learned to accept 'hand-outs' - no matter what these hand-outs were - and thus, even after I re-established myself, I experienced an obligation to others to 'take their stuff' and to express appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store pictures within my mind of rooms where there is barely nothing in them aside a bed, a chair, a lamp, and one or two random objects - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached this picture of bare rooms to the thoughts of, "That is a perfect space with no more than what one needs.  That is how I would like my spaces to be. By today's standards, the persons living in that home would be seen as 'poor' ... but it's so simple.  I wish I could live like that," and then the negative as, "It's not possible ... it would take too much work and my family would not be happy ... so I am stuck with all this stuff," that I turn into a positive, "Anything is possible.  I will work on it!  I can do this!"  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am trying to do something to my home and my living that is not realistic - I live in 2012 and live with two other beings who do not 'see' what I imagine as a 'perfect home' as being their 'perfect home' - in-fact, they are comfortable being surrounded by things and collections of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress pictures, images, and memories of the past onto my present and future living environment instead of being here, breathing here, and seeing who I am within the relationships that I have connected to all of the objects in my home.

When and as I see that I am super-imposing past pictures, images, and memories of environments onto my present and future environment, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that it's best for me to be present within my present with the presents I have as a present to myself.  

I commit myself to stop projecting the past and/or imagined pictures onto my present living environment as I see, realize, and understand that it does not exist and instead, work on bringing myself here in breath as the moment of breath is all that is real.

I commit myself to bring the points as objects in my environment back to myself where I investigate these points, determine if these points are what's best, and keep and/or remove these points as required within what's best.  Within this, I use the tools of self-forgiveness for the objects within my home as I sort through Everything to determine what 'stays' and what I 'let go of' and from here, walk the process of removal of objects as required.

Day 69: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 7

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

This blog is continued Self-Correction from:
Day 68: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 6
Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

For context, see writing and Self-Forgiveness within:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

"The fear you experience is not in-fact real – if you'd remove it you wouldn't miss it – it doesn't give you food, shelter, clothes, or the ability to pursue your interests. Other people can't even see your fear as it's a completely subjective experience that exist only in you – and you make it real through basing your decisions according to the fear." - Viktor Persson

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I lose respect because of something that I have written or expressed, that I will lose my job which will open up an entirely 'new can of worms' as consequence including, but not limited to, having to change jobs.

When and as I attach fear of loss to my job or having to change jobs as indicated by my physical panic reaction, myself not breathing, and my mind speeding forward to the possibilities of 'what could be', I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that I am creating this fear as a means to keep myself 'in-check', under-control, and on a specific path that does not give me the opportunity to realize myself - because if I am distracted by fear and motivated by fear I will not question myself, I will only react.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that 'changing jobs' is nothing more than changing scenery where the picture is different but all within as myself are the same - all points to be walked.  Fearing changing jobs has never kept never kept me from changing jobs - so, this makes no sense for me to hold onto this point.  Further, I see, realize, and understand that what is fueling my fear of changing jobs is my fear of embarrassment, fear of lost time/personal-physical investment, my fear of failure, my fear of others seeing me as a failure, and thus, my fear of losing respect from others.  All fears - and the only person that is making these fears real is myself.

I commit myself to stopping myself from allowing myself to fear that I will lose a job or have to change jobs because of 'something I wrote' by practically seeing first, that if I need to be cautious within my system of survival that I will have indicators as I have witnessed this process; second, I trust myself to re-direct myself toward a solution that ensures that my system of survival remains stable; and third, in my world, job removal does not happen without several prior warnings and/or indicators - and again, within this, I will direct myself accordingly.

I commit myself to stop myself from fueling my fear of loss of respect with other fears by breathing, investigating myself, and becoming equal-to my fears with Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to slowing myself as my mind down as I have recently seen, realized, and understood that an indication of my mind racing forward is my experience of myself within a 'head blurr' and within this, I have practiced breathing to clear myself and this works - so, when I am in this blurry experience, I commit myself to not allowing myself to 'check-out', 'shut-down', and/or 'get caught within my thoughts' by breathing and thus clearing myself immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will react if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect 'how others will react to if I write and/or express something that could be seen and/or interpreted as disrespectful' to fear - thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.



When and as I see that I am fearing being seen and/or interpreted as being disrespectful as indicated by myself experiencing myself as 'sorry', remorseful, regretful and/or panicking where I try to scurry and make 'it right again', I stop, I breath.  I see, realize and understand that this is my Fear of Loss that is connected to/a product of my Fear of Embarrassment and my Fear of Change - within this, I see, realize and understand that the core and/or connecting point of all of my fears is my Fear of Not Being In-Control - not being in-control of others, not being in-control of my environment, and not being in control of my self. 

I commit myself to freeing myself from this System of Fear as I see that it 'divides' me/separates me, breaks me apart, keeps me trapped within a continuous state of conflict and overwhelmed by the extensive amount of relationship connections that I have created between fear, other beings, my environment, and my self.  To bring this commitment into being, I commit myself to explore, self-forgive, and walk the correction of every one of these fear connections - as I committed myself to in the previous blog - by writing everything in my world and my connection/relationship to these things.

Let's see where it goes from here.

Day 67: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 5

'Characters Creating Anger' by Andrew Gable

For previous writing and Self-Forgiveness in relation to this blog, see:
Day 66: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 4
Day 65: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 3
Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2
Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You

From here, I will be writing practical self-correction and self-commitments for self-forgiveness written for my fear of Loss of Respect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious when 'friending' others from my world on Facebook because I fear that I will 'put them off', confuse them, or lose their respect before I've had a chance to earn it because I use Facebook of as a tool to share what's happening in the world, blogs, and Eqafe interviews.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see as my mind picture-movies of the non-Destonians in my world talking to others about how 'insane/crazy' I am, that what I am doing is 'screwed up'/not 'right', and/or negative - and I don't want to be seen as a 'negative nelly'.  Again, what is in-fact happening here is that I do not want to see how negative I actually am - I do not want to admit that there are days when I am convinced that I'm going nuckin'-futs, that nothing I'm doing is 'right', that I'm extremely negative, and that I am depressed.  Instead of taking responsibility for all of these experiences of myself, I am projecting myself onto others and interpreting those others as separate from me.

When and as I see myself becoming nervous, anxious, and/or worried about 'friending' others from my day-to-day, immediate world, as indicated to me by myself wanting to give others a 'heads up' that I share negative information on Facebook, I stop.  I breath.  I do not give in to myself narrating this fear of Loss of Respect for me and thus, I commit myself to not act/react/speak for/as/on-behalf of myself within my fear of Loss of Respect and instead, breath and simply accept a 'friendship request' and/or provide the information that another has requested so that they can connect/network with me.

When and as I see a picture of others in mind as 'talking about me' negatively where 'they' talk amongst themselves about me being 'insane/crazy' or that what I am doing is 'screwed up/not right', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me projecting how I see myself on to others - that, in that moment, I am telling myself that I see myself as insane, crazy, screwed-up, not right, and being negative and within seeing this, I commit myself to suppress this negativity with blaming, becoming angry/frustrated/enraged at others and then telling myself why I am positive and not negative, and to instead, stop, breath, and assist and support myself with self-forgiving myself for what I have negatively defined myself as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I publicly share any of my blogs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become nervous and anxious each time that I discuss my blogs with others in my immediate world.

When and as I see that I am nervous, worried, and/or anxious when and as I share and/or discuss my Journey To Life, Honest Parent, and/or process blogs with others from my immediate world, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I may be sharing/discussing points that I have not in-fact walked and/or become equal-to - and/or that I am re-acting to something within/as myself at that moment and within either of these possibilities, I commit myself to: Before posting a blog that I am struggling with and/or having a reaction to, to go back and re-read for any points that I have missed, have not yet walked, have not become equal-to and/or any reactions that I am trying to suppress and within this process, I commit myself to not share a blog unless I am clear of a reaction and to instead first walk and show myself that I am equal-to what I am sharing - and by giving this to myself I will remove self-doubt, the need to check myself with others, and establish a relationship of self-trust.  Additionally, when in discussion with another about my writing, I commit myself to stop myself from reacting and to instead, breath, not follow the direction of the inner-dialogue within my mind, be silent, and observe my reactions so that I may assist and support myself to write the self-forgiveness and self-correction for my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been focusing on and/or distracting myself with others reactions to/within my writing where instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that what I see as others reactions are in-fact my reactions that I am trying to ignore so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself and can continue to use others as a point of blame for my reactions.


When and as I see that, within my mind, I am playing out others reactions to me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am distracting myself with others instead of bringing these points of reactions back to myself and that by allowing this, I am ignoring myself and not giving myself the opportunity to be/become equal-to and/or understand myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.  Within this, I commit myself to stop blaming others for my reactions to myself by when seeing that I am blaming, to stop, breath, slow myself down and bring the reaction point(s) back to myself so that I can take responsibility for myself.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be thoroughly disappointed, angry, and distrustful of the humans in my world - but I do not give up.  And within this 'not giving up', I continue to try a 'different' angle or try to push and put myself 'out there' with a leap of faith. What I have not seen, realized, nor understood that by taking the 'leap of faith' that I am placing my trust in others instead of establishing a relationship of self-trust with myself.

When and as I see myself pushing myself to take a 'leap of faith' from a point of not trusting myself and not 'knowing' what's going to happen and so I place my trust and faith that others 'know' how to be responsible human beings, I stop and I see, realize, and understand that I am abdicating myself by 'putting myself in the hands of another' instead of taking responsibility and investigating myself thoroughly.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that it makes no common sense for me to push/engage with others that I am reacting to with disappointment, anger and distrust because it gets me no where.  So, I commit myself to when I am seeing myself angry, disappointed, and distrustful of others, to not react, to not engage, and to not push myself by breathing, silencing myself, and bringing the points of anger, disappointment and distrust back to myself where I will assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and practical self-correction.  Additionally, I commit myself to stop myself from taking 'leaps of faith' by making sure that I am standing by/as/for what I am expressing with absolute certainty that what I am expressing is me, equal-to me as clear and stable within that which I am expressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others will react to what I share of myself - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety, worry, and stress as a reaction to imagining that others will react to my writing/sharing in disgust, discomfort, worry, misunderstanding, confusion, or the usual, "I read your blog.  I see what you're doing and it makes you happy.  I don't agree with it, though."  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that I find this incredibly frustrating because when I start asking the 'in my world blog reader' questions in regards to their perspectives and observations, they can give me no logical, practical, real, honest answer than, 'it's the whole Desteni thing - I'm not into it.'

When and as I see that I am fearing how others react to me which is indicative of me experiencing an energy reaction of anxiety, worry, stress, imagining others relationship to me as me/as I would see my relationship to me as others, and/or anticipating that there will be conflict with others, I stop.  I commit myself to investigating my anxiety, worry, stress, misunderstanding, confusion, and disagreement with myself by writing out my relationships with others and thus finding myself.  I commit myself to practice being honest with myself instead of ignoring, suppressing, deflecting, and pawning my problems off on someone else - within this, I commit myself to giving myself logical, practical, real, and honest answers about myself with writing, investigating, self-forgiving, and requesting perspective/assistance/support when I am 'stuck'.