Day 110: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 8

 

In this blog, I will be walking the Fear Dimension of my Curious Character.  For the other dimensions walked thus far, see: Day 108: Journey To Life - Day 2 - Part 7. And to see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be in an uncomfortable situation if I do not have the answers when and as a question is asked of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences and/or potential outcomes within which I will experience myself if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not survive or that I will not make through to the next moment if I do not have the answers when I am asked a question.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go on a relentless search for knowledge and information within which I have directed from a point of fear rather than from a point of real curiosity to understand and explore myself and my world.

Also, as I have walked this point I see that many times my curiosity stemmed from my fear of death and the afterlife where I became completely obsessed with and  possessed by desire, want, and need to 'know' what to expect when I die or to try to find a way for myself to be taken care of in the after-life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my curiosity toward myself in the future because I fear the unknown.  I have allowed myself to become possessed by this fear and within and as this, I do not see, realize, nor understand that this is my mind fearing what cannot be controlled as well as my mind keeping me in the future so that I do not realize myself here.

Next, I will walk the Consequence Dimension.

In this blog, I will be walking the dimensions of my Curious Character.  To see how I got to here, read  Day 107: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 6,  Day 106: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 5, Day 105: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 4,  Day 104: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 3, Day 103: Journey To Life Review - Day 2 - Part 2 and Day 102: Journey To Life Review - Day 2. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/#sthash.quyBo3P4.dpuf

Day 75: I Have Everything - Part 5

In this blog I am writing out, self-forgiving, self-correcting, and making self-commitments to change for my Reactions to the point, "I Have Everything".  For previous work within this point, see:

Day 70: I Have Everything - Fears
Day 72: I Have Everything - Part 2 - Thoughts
Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3 - Imagination
Day 74: I Have Everything - Part 4 - Backchat


Reactions

Negative - Rushing around my home from one task to another with no clear direction - within this, sighing, rubbing my face, expressing myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with sighing and rubbing my face as I express myself as 'run-down', overwhelmed and 'running out of time' when I look and see all the tasks I must complete in my home before I can experience myself as 'comfortable'.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how angry I have become that I do not allow myself to move slowly and/or rest because I tell and show myself that there's always 'something more to do' and that my house must be/look a certain way before I can truly relax.  Everyday of my life has been me racing against the clock because with each passing day, it never gets better and so I tell myself that I am simply not working hard enough or that I am not doing enough with my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become angry with others as well as myself that I cannot relax/rest when and as others are relaxing.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself down enough to hear myself tell myself that the time spent doing things that I might enjoy or that require me to be off my feet are a waste of my time.  And thus, I have allowed myself to be/become resentful of others that are able to relax, rest, slow themselves down, and not be compelled/motivated/driven to constantly be 'on the move'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not being able to relax, rest, and or enjoy moments 'off my feet' because the way I'm seeing others is as lazy - and if they would take the time to assist me with what needs to be done instead of relaxing, resting, and participating in times that they enjoy, that chores/things that need to get done around my house would get done twice as fast and then we would all have the opportunity to relax.  I'm seeing myself as doing all of the work and/or the only person in my home motivated to create a comfortable, safe, relaxing, and clutter-free environment for myself and my family.

Positive - When I make progress within cleaning/clearing out areas in my home and making them organized, I experience accomplishment and happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react positively to being in an area of my home that I have cleaned/cleared and/or organized to my mind's standards and definitions of what 'looks' best where when I am able to make myself physically and mentally comfortable and/or stable in a space in my home, I experience a 'sense' of 'accomplishment' and 'happiness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'like' my home only if specific tasks are completed.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am communicating to myself about myself when I am projecting my reactions, emotions, and feelings onto my home.  I have not allowed myself to see: that I am uncomfortable with myself unless I 'look' clean, well-organized, and 'attractive enough'; that I do not 'like' myself nor experience accomplishment and/or happiness if I do not appear to myself and others as clean, clear, and organized.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by myself as my mind's eye/view of what 'clean, cleared, and organized' looks like and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because of this unreal expectation of myself, to never have developed self-love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the 'sense of' 'happiness' and 'accomplishment' as positive feelings to cover up the truth of my matter which is: I don't like myself very much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I will 'only like me' when I do what I, as my mind, direct myself to do - and within this, allowing myself to chase after an infinite dangling carrot instead of being here in breath.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the person that I see myself being/becoming in the future is not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am never going to be 'good enough' for myself if I continue to direct myself based on what I, as my mind, shows/tells me is required for me to be 'good enough'. 

When and as I see myself within a loop of returning back to something in my physical environment over and over again within my environment as an obsessive pattern of checking with my mind to see if what I've done is 'good enough'.  I stop.  I BREATH.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me from/as my mind, entrapping me into an obsessive-compulsive pattern as to make sure that my time continues to be 'tied up',  instead of giving myself time to realize myself within physical relaxation.  I commit myself to stop going back to projects and/or work that I've done within my environment to check to see if my 'mind approves' by slowing myself down so that I can see myself within this pattern and actually telling myself to STOP - and thus, I do not allow myself to be trapped.



When and as I see that I am looking toward a version of myself that is not how/what/where I am in that moment, I stop.  I bring myself back to who I am, here.  I see, realize, and understand that who/what/where I am is/has been/ever will be here in the moment in breath.  I commit myself to stop creating a version of myself as how, what, who, and where I will be in the future within the realization that this is not real - this person does not exists - and so, I stop - I breath myself back to myself in the moment.

When and as I see that I am trying to cover up the negatives that I see around me and/or within me with positives, I stop.  I back up my process of thoughts that lead to my positive thought to the original negative point.  I self-forgive myself in the moment for accepting and allowing the negative, positive, polarity, and over-compensating points to exist within and as me.  I commit myself to stopping this pattern of covering of the negative stuff with positive stuff.

Day 73: I Have Everything - Part 3

 

On Day 70: I Have Everything, I investigated my Fears in-relation to the point of Having Everything.  On Day 71: I Have Everything - Part 2, I continued with Thoughts and in this blog I'm looking at the Imagination Dimension in relation to points that came to the surface when writing this point.

Imagination

I imagine that everything that I have in my home is neat, organized, clean and in the same place every time.  To me, this is perfection that I can live, be comfortable, relax and breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my imagination set the standard of the 'perfect home' where everything within the home is neat, organized, clean, and in the same place every time - always.  I have not see, realized, nor understood that I have set an expectation of myself that I have not come close to achieving since I was between the ages of 22 and 25.  Because I -was- able to achieve that which was what I saw as a 'close to perfect' home in my past, I keep going back to my past and trying to re-create my past so that I can again experience the comfortableness that I had at that moment in time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration, confusion, anger, and blame because I have not been able to get my home back to the 'way it was' many years ago.  And within this, I have continually made it so that I cannot have a 'simple', organized, and clean home because I must 'have everything'.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I tell myself that I 'need' everything because many years ago, I gave up my perfectly organized home where I had 'everything that I needed', threw-out/gave-away/sold most of my belongings, and had to start over from scratch where instead of picking out only what I needed or working with what I had - I kept buying stuff and or accepting stuff from others because I was trying to re-build the life that I once had.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that because after I 'gave up' my home/belongings and began the process of re-establishing myself in a different location with 'nothing', that I learned to accept 'hand-outs' - no matter what these hand-outs were - and thus, even after I re-established myself, I experienced an obligation to others to 'take their stuff' and to express appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store pictures within my mind of rooms where there is barely nothing in them aside a bed, a chair, a lamp, and one or two random objects - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attached this picture of bare rooms to the thoughts of, "That is a perfect space with no more than what one needs.  That is how I would like my spaces to be. By today's standards, the persons living in that home would be seen as 'poor' ... but it's so simple.  I wish I could live like that," and then the negative as, "It's not possible ... it would take too much work and my family would not be happy ... so I am stuck with all this stuff," that I turn into a positive, "Anything is possible.  I will work on it!  I can do this!"  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I am trying to do something to my home and my living that is not realistic - I live in 2012 and live with two other beings who do not 'see' what I imagine as a 'perfect home' as being their 'perfect home' - in-fact, they are comfortable being surrounded by things and collections of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to impress pictures, images, and memories of the past onto my present and future living environment instead of being here, breathing here, and seeing who I am within the relationships that I have connected to all of the objects in my home.

When and as I see that I am super-imposing past pictures, images, and memories of environments onto my present and future environment, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that it's best for me to be present within my present with the presents I have as a present to myself.  

I commit myself to stop projecting the past and/or imagined pictures onto my present living environment as I see, realize, and understand that it does not exist and instead, work on bringing myself here in breath as the moment of breath is all that is real.

I commit myself to bring the points as objects in my environment back to myself where I investigate these points, determine if these points are what's best, and keep and/or remove these points as required within what's best.  Within this, I use the tools of self-forgiveness for the objects within my home as I sort through Everything to determine what 'stays' and what I 'let go of' and from here, walk the process of removal of objects as required.